How do I move on & let go of hope?

[Heartbrok3n445]

My ex contacted me today regarding why I involved his parents in our moving out situation. He was angry with me so I called and we spoke on the phone for about half an hour. I explained why I did it and that I thought I was doing the right thing, I didn't want to leave his stuff and he had blocked me and wasn't letting me know when he would be moving so I felt I had no other choice. We needed to be out so I did what I thought was the right thing. He eventually calmed down after hearing 'my side' and thanked me for not dumping his stuff.

 

We talked a bit. I asked him why he gave me hope at the start of the week then started ignoring me. He said he needed space and thought I would get the picture that that's what he wanted and he doesn't know if what he said at the start of last week was true or not. I apologised for what I did wrong.

 

He basically said he couldn't answer my questions and he needed time. We texted a little after where he went from implying I should move on to saying he wanted me but needed time and wasn't ready. His actions speak differently.

 

I feel like I basically said I would wait for him. And now I'm angry at myself for that. Why should I wait? Why should I wait for him to have his fun and maaaaybe come back? Why should he get to treat me however he wants but know it's okay because I'll be sitting here waiting?

 

I don't want to be with someone who literally adds and talks to heaps of girls the second we break up (especially after three and a half years). I want to snap at him but I WILL NOT contact him. I am going to go strictly NC.

 

He knows what I want, I have tried and reasoned, I have told him how I feel.

 

I get he may be confused and me contacting him last week made him more annoyed but really, I don't think 'space' is going to make him think any different. Maybe it will but I doubt it.

 

Of course I want him to wake up and realise he made a mistake, that the life he wanted isn't that great and that he wants me back, that he regrets hurting me the way he did. Do I think that will happen? No. I use to, but now I don't.

 

So now I need to know HOW to move on. I am really struggling. I wake up and feel sad, I can't really eat or sleep, I can't concentrate at work. I try to distract myself but then I start thinking. I am a massive over thinker and I don't think that is helping me right now. I feel so empty and lost and literally it feels like my heart just hurts.

 

I went to the gym tonight and found out through social media that he is going out this week and all I could think of is that he will be around a ton of good looking girls and will probably get with them or get their numbers... that kind of ruined my night. I've blocked him on everything now... Now I just need to resist unblocking which is another hard thing. I don't know how to not let that stuff bother me? I'm not even ready to talk to other guys right now.

 

Will space really help him clear his head? Or will it just help HIM move on easier. I know it doesn't matter as I need to heal but because of how uncaring he has come accross today I just think he has already moved on and it's only been a week!

 

Also, how do I stop any little bit of hope that may pop into my head? I feel like I need lots of help because I really don't know how to deal with this.

 

Thanks everyone. Xx

[Shirigami]

You already did the right thing when blocked him on everything.

Now, focus on your goals, things you need to achieve, things you´ve always wanted to do, learn something new! Be the woman you want to be, invincible, and distract yourself a lot. You will go through this!

[Clinton]

Healing is a marathon not a sprint. Some studies put healing from a significant relationship at about 18 months. A year to be over the worst and another 6 months or so to really move on. That was my experience after my divorce and some of my friends as well.

 

Cut off all social media. You really don't want to keep track, it will just hurt you.

 

All you can do is stay active and realise there are no miracle cures. It gets better a tiny bit at a time. Don't rebound. Stay on your own and hang out with friends.

 

It's not all bad. I stayed single for 3 years by choice after my marriage ended and it was some of the best times I've ever had.

 

You'll get through this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will improve.

[kbbcoop77]

Great advice Clinton and that timeline sounds about right. I'm 14 months post breakup and finally feeling pretty good about being single. The heartache and pain is pretty much gone, no more struggling with NC etc..just takes time and focus on yourself

[Clinton]

Great advice Clinton and that timeline sounds about right. I'm 14 months post breakup and finally feeling pretty good about being single. The heartache and pain is pretty much gone, no more struggling with NC etc..just takes time and focus on yourself

 

Glad to hear you're doing better. Everyone feels like crap at first but time really does work wonders once you go NC.

[AmelieM]

I can really relate to this, as a fellow overthinker. And my ex joined a dating site literally the day after we broke up and started messaging a bunch of girls. It just made no sense to me. I know now that I can't even think about dating until I heal. Because otherwise all I will do is compare that person to my ex, which really isn't fair to them, and will only set me back in my own healing. It is indeed hard not to focus on what your ex is doing and thinking - especially when it's in such sharp contrast to the person you thought he was. I thought my ex was extremely loyal and very much in love with me. His post-breakup actions don't really reflect that. But someone on these boards told me that the person you are before, during, and after a relationship can be very different in each phase. And not to think you were duped.

 

Still, like you, I wish I knew how to get out of my own head at times. Staying busy does help, but sometimes your tank just goes to empty and you can't help but experience the lowest of lows. I think I do form deeper attachments than most; I've always been this way. My heart always yearns for the past, no matter what. I'm just overly sentimental and nostalgic. Which makes this phase so hard.

 

Just know you're not alone in feeling this way. Getting over someone isn't easy. Trying to remind myself of what Clinton said: it's a marathon not a sprint. There's no shortcut to healing I guess.

[pavlo81]

Doesnt matter who blocks who theres always ways to look at social media if you really want to unfortunately. ..ive read your threads I want ya to know I was farked for probs 8 months its now been 11 im still sad hurt and dissapointed but not as bad...... as everyone says its all about time

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks everyone. I really hope it doesnt take me too long to move on

 

Today is pretty bad. I keep rereading the texts from yesterday trying to see that he doesnt really care but I keep coming up with excuses - he needs time, its only been a week, maybe he will realise, etc.

 

My heart just feels like it aches. Will space even clear his head and make him realise or will it just make it easier for him to forget me?

 

 

[boltnrun]

Delete the texts.

 

I mean, if you know drinking milk makes you feel sick, would the solution be to drink more milk?

[Heartbrok3n445]

OK I BROKE NC! But ONLY because he was suppose to drop our keys back yesterday so we could get the real estate to go through and get the bond back (btw the bond is going to him ANYWAY) and he did not do that.

 

I texted him and said how our agent went through and couldnt find the keys and he said he'd drop them by the office that afternoon (I work for the agency). I asked what time and he seemed pretty blunt. After a few hours I said are you coming or not cause the owner was bugging me and he said he was still at work (most likely lies) and he'd do it tomorrow. I snapped and said can he just drop them by to me tonight so we can officially get rid of this house cause I wanted to give him space and he just said 'Ill do it tomorrow' I asked him why he has to make this harder for me and if he could please just drop them and he jusr said 'I'll do it tomorrow'.

 

He KNOWS that I'd have to contact him coz he didnt drop them off yesterday. He wants this 'space' and stuff but he knows this is dragging everything out?! He doesnt answer the calls from the agency and cause I work for them I'm constantly gettinf bugged about when they're coming back.

 

WHY is he doing this?! Well I'm done. If he doesnt hand them back then oh well, he doesnt get his bond back quicker. I dont WANT to see him. I wanted to give him space so he could think so why does he continue to drag things on where he knows I would have to contact him?

[mhowe]

He isn't dragging things out. He just isn't jumping when you snap your fingers. And if the bond takes longer...that is his problem... Not yours.

 

You used it as an excuse and he doesn't want to see you.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks everyone. I really hope it doesnt take me too long to move on

 

Today is pretty bad. I keep rereading the texts from yesterday trying to see that he doesnt really care but I keep coming up with excuses - he needs time, its only been a week, maybe he will realise, etc.

 

My heart just feels like it aches. Will space even clear his head and make him realise or will it just make it easier for him to forget me?

 

 

 

Most people who sign up year in May to process a break up are pretty much gone within 12 months.

[gxzone]

Hey just wanted to add my 2 cents.

 

The moment, the SECOND a relationship is over, it is totally okay for him to have MASSIVE ORGIES with anyone he chooses. When a relationship ends, it ENDS. It doesn't slowly end 3 months later. There is no rule about having to wait, though that may be considered a courtesy. Not trying to be mean, just direct.

 

Also, as a guy, I can say even when I initiate a breakup, its hard to let go completely. Just because one party is the dumper doesn't mean they are always clean cut clear decisions that then never get overturned. Guys I think in particular have this animalistic territorial instinct that makes them want females to still be 'under their control' so to speak. When the girl starts to talk to, hang out with, and date other men, if the previous guy finds out, sometimes he will feel like he needs to get her attention back. Even with no incentive, a guy may feel regretful about letting go of the reigns, or get lonely and try to use the ex as comfort to ease the breakup. Not because they are evil, but because they need it.

 

Just a possibility.

 

Letting go of hope is hard. I'm 15 months since I last spoke to an ex, even had a really nice girl I dated inbetween the breakup and now. I have to say I'm 1000% better but still not 100% over her...maybe like 95%. My problem is that I have this plan like after I'm totally over her after 2 full years, then I'll go back and try to regain friendship. This kind of thinking will never get you over someone because the hope lingers. Fact is friendship is nearly impossible after bad breakups and you should throw away this idea and instead focus on healing, then meeting someone new, as well as more new friends.

 

When you are fresh from a breakup you'll read all these replies and somehow read it in a way that you want to hear, which is probably why some experienced members are so harsh and blunt. No hope, move on.

[blanco]

gxzone's got it. I felt mostly OK with my decision to end things, but didn't necessarily close the book on it. I didn't really care to think of her with other guys, but thought I would mostly be able to handle it. Uh uh. The moment I found out about a new guy, panic set in, and suddenly, I was questioning my decision to end things months earlier.

 

Truth is, it was never a slam-dunk decision on my part, but you can't keep something like that going if you're perpetually undecided. I knew then and I know now that the relationship had run its course and that I would be happier in the long run out of it. Doesn't mean I didn't get REALLY down about her moving along.

[Heartbrok3n445]

I get that, if you read my new post could you provide some feedback? I do like having blunt advice, even if it sucks.

 

I get that once its over both parties can do whatever they please with other people but it still doesnt take away the hurt of 'wow we were together so long and took you a few days to start adding every girl you see'. It just makes ME feel like I meant nothing and was worthless.

 

But yeah, if you do have a spare moment could you give some advice on my current post?