Out with the old, in with the now

[Batya33]

As one my friends says, if you ever wonder if there is a God, take a minute to notice his sense of humor.

 

Mr. Wow and I exchanged a few texts about a business idea we have always agreed to do together. Of course we did. We keep our distances but one day, one day, we'll do that thing we talked about. Funnier, we both think, It could happen. Because, of course it could. Humans are funny.

 

It absolutely can if you two are not interested in each other romantically and if you are both happy-or at least accepting/comfortable- that the other person is with someone else or trying to be. Then, sure, why not?

[IAmFCA]

It absolutely can if you two are not interested in each other romantically and if you are both happy-or at least accepting/comfortable- that the other person is with someone else or trying to be. Then, sure, why not?

 

Yes absolutely true and maybe the best way for us to be paired.

 

However, this situation does not exist today. If we had the familiarity of a working relationship, we would draw closer romantically. That's a repeat pattern from his last marriage; wife was controlling, business partner was effective, he drew closer to the latter while trying fill his role with the former. Nothing doing, not until more changes occur.

[IAmFCA]

Ice, Whatever. Says maybe something during the day today while we are working. Never follows up (I've been scheduled solid anyway; maybe that is all that happened to him, I take nothing personally). Texts good morning as he often does; nothing further. What do you bring to the table big guy? The promise of what, material comfort and good sex? Those are two good things... if I know when they are going to show up! I simply don't text him anymore except to respond to his. Yes, when we are together it is great but otherwise, I don't like the terms. Next step is I just stop responding to his texts all together and see what happens.

 

On a different topic... I've been asked out for Saturday night at 5:30. 5:30? Who goes out at 5:30? Funny, details. I feel like we are not compatible, as he chose the time to avoid the Saturday crush. I have never lived in any other spot other than an urban hot zone. I seek it out. What the heck, at 5:30 I am gathering my breath to gear up for the night, shower, etc.

 

It is just uncivilized to meet at 5:30, lol. ... No, I'm not rigid at all. Why would anyone think that??

[IAmFCA]

Ok, this whole thing I didn't write here about was perfect. I suspect I am cleaning house, going back to having nothing. Not sure any of these folks are worth my energy.

[Batya33]

If it's a first meet then 5:30 is perfect -meet for an hour, still keep Sat. night plans, meet for longer for the real first date.

[IAmFCA]

Just dumped Ice by text.

[IAmFCA]

Just dumped Ice by text.

 

To which he responded let's plan something for next week.

 

Huh?

[IAmFCA]

Ice claiming he wants full 360 relationship like I do. Maybe he does; I am not going to get into a game of questioning his intentions.

 

Where are Weekends? Plan ahead? Shared new experiences together? Are these things not obvious elements of dating?

[IAmFCA]

And here is the invite, in advance, for a meal together, on a night I can't spend the night. Bingo.

[notalady]

Good on you for writing off Ice.

[IAmFCA]

Good on you for writing off Ice.

 

Yeah but I let him back in with the request for dinner this week, because it was a direct ask for a future date on a school night with no sleepover potential.

[IAmFCA]

Yeah but I let him back in with the request for dinner this week, because it was a direct ask for a future date on a school night with no sleepover potential.

 

I don't think I should have accepted his dinner invitation. It damages my credibility.

 

I'm over thinking it. It's dinner. Maybe we will actually have a conversation. It is welcome because I like who he is.

 

OTOH he is emotional ally unavailable to me, just like every other man I've ever been interested in, whereas Ken is totally available and I have already discounted him for being not powerful. My own judgment may be at fault here.

[notalady]

The way I see it, Ice made the dinner plans as a peace offering to get you to stay like saying "see, I can make plans". But as soon as you stay, he will go back to the way he was before. Curiously, every time I wanted to leave, Z used to become all affectionate and make an effort to spend time with me (as one should in a relationship) but would stop shortly after and go back to the way he was.

 

Anyway, no reason why you can't have a lovely dinner with Ice, but I see the way he has been acting since very early on as lack of serious interest and will show you he still is if you give him the chance. So your choice.

[IAmFCA]

Notalady, I agree with you. Rather than set his own standard, he achieves whatever standard I set for him. That's bull$#!+. It's inauthentic as well. Either you want to see me or you don't.

[IAmFCA]

One way to manage this... have dinner. Go home. Initiate nothing. Wait again for plans. Go home. After 2nd date, initiate a daytime date. Ask him to go hiking or canoeing or something.

 

Sometimes I think a hot rich guy forgets his manners because he isn't held to his paces often enough. That's a stupid excuse for an adult.

[IAmFCA]

In business I say what I need. It's so simple. OK so here is what I need.

 

- plan ahead sometimes, last minute sometimes.

- day stuff, night stuff. New stuff, learn something, see something, do something.

- something to look forward to and/or a habit keeping the thread going.

- authenticity. If it isn't there, then none of this matters.

 

Goal is that feeling of building a team.

[IAmFCA]

In business I say what I need. It's so simple. OK so here is what I need.

 

- plan ahead sometimes, last minute sometimes.

- day stuff, night stuff. New stuff, learn something, see something, do something.

- something to look forward to and/or a habit keeping the thread going.

- authenticity. If it isn't there, then none of this matters.

 

Goal is that feeling of building a team.

 

Think of the dance analogy?

 

People tell other people what they want to hear. I don't have a bias about what I want to hear. I want to know what's up; the rest is what it is.

 

Adding on my list... affection,sex, yes, trust ys. But let's about concrete actions...

 

What do you need/want?

[IAmFCA]

I need (in varying degrees over time)

 

1.

A guy to ask me out ahead of time, with some regularity. This is not about frequency, but having confidence that if he wants to see me one a week or twice a month or whatever it is, he will make sure it happens. I needed this as a married woman.

 

If that baseline is established, I will carry my weight and do some asking too, because I will have things I want to do and I will want to do them with you.

 

2. Affection, obviously.

 

3. Interest in sharing and supporting one another's progress to achieving each person's visions, whatever they may be.

[IAmFCA]

Its intention versus happenstance.

 

Creating opportunities to share rather than sharing the time that is left over.

 

Being fair instead of opportunistic.

 

Being naked instead of clothed, metaphorically speaking, revealing layers.

[IAmFCA]

And ugh, I don't even know if i feel like going to dinner. There is an instinct telling me there is value here.

[IAmFCA]

Reading an article about Dom/sub psychology, and combining it with an article about Myers Briggs types. Following my intuition is consistent with MB research: his type (my guess at it, more accurately) and my type (as proven three times) are naturally suited to one another. His type, though, stumbles at expressing feelings and at caring about someone else's. The focus is on action: How do I apply this understanding? How do I put this conversation into action? Even in intimate situations, it is about applying actions as opposed to sharing feelings. I get it; it reminds me of my dad, my best friend in high school; break it down, analyze and understand, improve and apply. Got it.

 

Meanwhile, Ken has been wonderful and I am losing interest quickly; so much to express. I don't like it. I just want to do stuff.

 

So, its simple: Action = I need to be asked out, because it shows intention as opposed to happenstance, and we don't leave things we value up to happenstance.

 

Or maybe even better: I need to be asked out, and can describe why if it matters.

 

I think its that simple.

[IAmFCA]

Really this is about me learning to understand someone else. The reading I have done today tells me he is like 1% or less of the population. So am I. I get to cut the cap that I drivel about on here and return to my natural pragmatic state, like when I was in high school. That feels like the height of irony after learning all about emotional intimacy etc etc. In fact, coming back around full circle is a nice next step because of course its a spiral, and not a loop.

 

First he thought I needed safety in the psych sub way, which I don't so I didn't even get it; he immediately offered up a date instead, like okay, if not that then this? Not as a player would but as a scientist: What does she need? This? That? OK, that, got it. Its a simple analysis of facts. duh.

[IAmFCA]

Last night was my date with ice. It was perfect, for me. Reading about his Myers Briggs helped me enormously. He invested in my concerns, held me close for hours, looked out for me. It was a new layer.

 

Reading INTJ - I get it.

[IAmFCA]

>

 

When we met, Ice told me anything I asked of him: about his family, his job history, his approach to parenting, whatever. He regaled me with stories, an open book about his relationship with the ex, whatever the topic, nothing to hide. He wanted to go back to his place, I refused. Same again on date 2, I refused. I drew my instinctive conclusions and threw out the details of all the conversation. He would take whatever was easy if I offered it, I dismissed him. At the same time, I saw that his own choices weren't the easy path whatsoever. I was intrigued. I wished I had remembered all those dang details. I was still closed off after Mr. Wow, I had just sorted through some 20 or 30 candidates, I didn't expect to care about the details in particular. I dismissed him as an easy lay, set ground rules, and began my exploration as to how an easy lay chose an extraordinary path for himself.

 

Then it became obvious that I didn't remember the most basic things. Which made him laugh, my complete lack of guile. And seemed for tat, two people who are intrigued and have some common perspectives, but don't value others so highly at first meet. As I knew him more, I expected to be valued. I signaled as much. He adjusted. I noticed, after I flubbed a dinner conversation, that he shared little intellectually. I wasn't worthy. I balked again. He adjusted. I thought I was gone, he said, nope, how about this?

 

Conversation last night was free flowing from aspects of healthy eating to predictions of failure / success of certain business ventures. I learned from our conversations. And when I was ready to leave, he held me tighter. And again. Just two more minutes. And 30 passed. And Mr I-don't-really-text became conversational today.

 

Still, no drama. Lovely.

 

It occurs to me now... Ken, when I pulled a U-Turn that cut him out completely, paragraphs of text. The world gets so small, reading all that. If I approached Mr Wow all over again, I would text him hardly ever, hardly much. And I would let him solve his issues on his own time.

[IAmFCA]

Just remembered that I used to be aware of my windows and Mr wows driving patterns, because he often notices them as he passes. Well he did a month ago anyhow.

 

And then I forgot to think about it. I don't remember when I forgot. I just did.