Stepson birthday and birth of baby around same time, husband wants to be there f

[Seraphim]

I do think there's a lot more here than you're giving thought to. Even when you were going to meet the child and his family a year ago (which I guess never happened) you were worried about being left out ,feeling ignored ,having your stepson having a lot of attention. This is not just about the birth of your daughter. This is about the gaping hole of feeling abandonment that you have in your life. This is something that you're going to have to heal before you can feel happy and secure.

 

You are about to have a little person in your life who is going to demand almost 100% of your attention. It's not going to be about you anymore for a pretty long while. You are going to have to fix what is broken in your life to feel secure so you can teach her how to feel secure.

[mhowe]

When is the baby due and when is the birthday?

[Madamdiva007]

I do think there's a lot more here than you're giving thought to. Even when you were going to meet the child and his family a year ago (which I guess never happened) you were worried about being left out ,feeling ignored ,having your stepson having a lot of attention. This is not just about the birth of your daughter. This is about the gaping hole of feeling abandonment that you have in your life. This is something that you're going to have to heal before you can feel happy and secure.

 

You are about to have a little person in your life who is going to demand almost 100% of your attention. It's not going to be about you anymore for a pretty long while. You are going to have to fix what is broken in your life to feel secure so you can teach her how to feel secure.

Yeah, thank you. I'm already working on this stuff with a professional.

[Madamdiva007]

The baby is due June 5th, his son's birthday is June 11th.

[Tanzi]

His ex is trying to be very accommodating by saying she will come here if the baby comes around her due date, but again, I just don't think I'm going to be up for this big introduction with her and this child right after I've given birth.

 

So his ex is happy to come to you and your husband is happy with that too in which case I'm not sure that there needs to be a problem. You don't have to meet them if you've already had the baby and you are exhausted .... I'm sure his ex willl understand. If, however, you haven't had the baby and you go into labour then you can contact your ex and let him know. It's no different if he were at work or grocery shopping. His ex knows the situation so, again, I'm sure she would understand if he had to go.

 

It might be worth bearing in mind that your baby is going to be his son's half-sibling so if you did have the baby on that day (or before), what a lovely time for them to meet.

 

Overall I agree that your husband needs to be close and, luckily, that seems possible so, other than that I see no harm in him seeing his son on his birthday.

 

Yes of course. I am trying to consider his son. I just don't understand why we have to do this visit right when the baby comes. I know it's his birthday, but as a 6 year old, is he really going to care if he celebrates a few weeks early or a few weeks later with his dad? I've heard him talk about his birthday and Christmas before and it seems his only concern is what presents he'll be getting.

 

I have never stepped in the way of him seeing his son and I would never do so for any other reason. I just feel like this is a big enough deal that should be treated as a priority.

 

Birthdays are a huge deal to children and it isn't unusual for them to get excited about the presents they may get. You can't judge a 6 year old on that. I'm sensing a little bit of resentment here which I guess is understandable to a degree if you are indeed anxious.

 

Okay, and is it fair to bring his son into a an entirely new situation with new people who are going to be focused on the baby and not him? I just feel like he won't understand what's going on. And I'm sorry to say this, but right now these people are strangers to me. I don't know how I'm going to feel about them coming into the hospital to visit the baby when I don't even know them myself.

 

I feel like I have to defend myself here because I feel like I'm coming accross as the bad guy in this situation, when no one is.

 

You aren't a bad person but I think you are being a little over-dramatic about the whole thing. You could go in labour early, you could go in labour on time, you could go into labour late. Your husband can't be by your side all that time so wherever he is, whatever he is doing, I'm sure he will be ready to drop everything to be by your side when it's time ... and it seems as though his ex is being accommodating too. So why not let him see his son ... as long as they come to you ... and if you go into labour he knows what to do. If you've had the baby then it won't do anyone any harm for your husband to see his son for half a day or whatever. You have to be on your own with the baby at some point.

 

These people may be strangers to you but seeing as you are about to give birth to his son's sibling you have to stop being strangers at some point. And they are NOT strangers to your husband. They don't have to visit you if you don't want them to but as I said above it could be a lovely moment for his son.

 

I think you need to think more positively about the situation, although you are justified in some of your concerns I feel you are taking on a too negative approach about the whole thing and turning something that could be quite beautiful into something negative.

[Seraphim]

Yeah, thank you. I'm already working on this stuff with a professional.

 

Ok. Good. I'm glad you are working on it. At least put some thought that it does impact the situation.

[Seraphim]

Yes ,even if he's out visiting with his son if you go to labour he can come to you easily. The average first time labour is probably around 15 hours so it's not like you're going to have the baby instantaneously and he's going to miss it if he's in the same city.

[Madamdiva007]

I feel like it's easy for all sides, even outsiders, to have somewhat biased viewpoints on this situation. I hope you guys can try to remember that this is a completely new situation for me, as well as everyone else. I went into this thinking that this would be a somewhat easy adjustment. That I'd meet his son, and we would start to slowly build a relationship between the 2 of us. That hasn't happened. I didn't get to meet his son last summer, and my husband came back from that trip a very angry and unhappy person who totally pushed me away. When I tried to talk to him about what he was feeling and going through, he told me that it was non of my business and I would never understand. Eventually he got over whatever it was he was going through, and things were fine.

 

But I don't know how to act or what to think about this situation. How much I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to say. I've never been with someone with a child before. I want his son to feel comfortable and welcomed into our family. Of course I want that. But no, it's definitely not the most comfortable situation right now, especially the longer our meeting is postponed. It's been made very clear that I won't be this child's stepmother, and that I won't be able to be around him alone. It DOES feel exclusive.

 

I'm really trying here to be the best wife I can be. I guess I am being selfish. I don't knowm

[Seraphim]

Is that your husband saying you won't ever be his stepmother or the child's mother?

[Madamdiva007]

Both of them.

[Seraphim]

Then that is something that you're probably going to have to accept as they are his parents. I know it is hard and I don't know why they are being that way but if that's what they want I guess that is something to accept. Let him have his time with his son and just concentrate on your daughter.

[Tanzi]

OK, so don't meet with his son then. If you don't feel ready then that is your prerogative but the longer you leave it, the worse it is going to get. Regardless of that, however, the fact still remains that your husband wants to see his son on his birthday and, as long as they are still prepared to come your way, I don't see why that has to be an issue. If you go into labour you call him. If you don't, no biggie. If you've already had the baby then there is no issue anyway ... or at least there shouldn't be. I think he is doing the right thing in making sure his first born is as much a priority in his life as his new born.

[Seraphim]

I agree both children need to be important to their father.

 

OP,just to be clear I don't think you're a bad person. I think you are a person stuck in a hard situation. I just wanted you to think about the hard questions. Sometimes we need those hard questions to grow.

[Madamdiva007]

I do want to meet his son, I really don't want to put it off any longer. I just don't know if it's something I want to do right when I've had a baby, I have no idea how I'm going to feel. They don't even allow visitors in the hospital, so if I am in the hospital I don't think it would be possible.

[Seraphim]

You might feel okay too. Most women are released from the hospital after delivery within a day or two( at least in North America) but I don't know where you are. This one girl who had her baby at the same time I had mine, she had her baby in the morning she was being released that evening and her husband came with their other kids and they were heading out to go camping. No word of a lie. She was up and bounding around like she had just run around the track once. So everybody's body reacts differently.

[Madamdiva007]

Yes, you're absolutely right. It could go much easier than I think. They tend to keep women in the hospital 3-5 days where I live because they want to make sure the baby is nursing okay and the mother is comfortable with everything before they send her home. But I could feel absolutely fine.

 

I know I am looking at this situation in a rather negative light. I guess I'm just preparing for the worst which is a very juvenile thing to do. I'm just nervous about having a baby, nervous about being in a hospital (especially in a foreign country) nervous about meeting his son. There's a lot of anxiety surrounding this situation. But there are also a lot of what-ifs, and no one knows exactly when the baby is going to come and how the situation surrounding that will be. I guess maybe I should just wait and see how things go when the time gets closer before I start worrying too much.

[Madamdiva007]

I agree both children need to be important to their father.

 

OP,just to be clear I don't think you're a bad person. I think you are a person stuck in a hard situation. I just wanted you to think about the hard questions. Sometimes we need those hard questions to grow.

I know you don't think I'm a bad person, and you're a mom so you have a better understanding than I do of what his son might be going through.

 

I appreciate all your advice and I apologize for getting so defensive.

[Seraphim]

It is okay. Hugs. I was rough on you. I tend to see things from how a child would feel. I'm extremely passionate about children. It is my major passion in life. So sometimes I can be a bit vigorous. Hugs.

 

It is natural that you would worry about child birth and everything surrounding it. It is a nervous time because it is unknown. Totally natural.

 

And I think your husband and his ex are adding to the bad feelings about getting to know his son. Just know that you can't control them you can only control yourself.

 

Sometimes when things are unknown anxiety can take over. Discuss all these things with your therapist.

[Iggles]

Okay, and is it fair to bring his son into a an entirely new situation with new people who are going to be focused on the baby and not him? I just feel like he won't understand what's going on. And I'm sorry to say this, but right now these people are strangers to me. I don't know how I'm going to feel about them coming into the hospital to visit the baby when I don't even know them myself.

 

I feel like I have to defend myself here because I feel like I'm coming accross as the bad guy in this situation, when no one is.

 

They're family, connected by your husband who is the father of your baby.

 

This isn't all about you. Your precious darling will be loved by a lot of people, in addition to you. Her dad, her brother, her cousins aunts and uncles. Her grandparents. Etc. They will feel connected to her and influence her as she grows up. You don't have to be close to every single one.

 

No one would fault you for not wanting to meet or greet after birth. You husband can run inference for you, making sure all the visitors to the hospital get their updates and see the baby without invading your space. However, if you want this whole experience to be just you and him (plus your mom), be prepared for that not to happen. He has a family of origin and he has a son to consider, who all will feel the excitement of the new baby too. Don't plant the seeds of resentment when these very people are to be fixtures in your

life for decades to come.

[Madamdiva007]

Okay, you're right. It's funny, his family has shown no interest in coming to visit or to be a part of any of this. They were all there for his son's birth and see him regularly, but aren't planning on coming for mine. I'm not exactly sure why that is, I haven't even met them yet. We are all 'friends' on Facebook, but haven't responded when I've reached out to them.

 

Is there anything I can do about that?

[Iggles]

OP, it sucks that you didn't get to meet his son sooner. Fortunately, it sounds like your husband and his Ex have worked out their differences. Your daughter's birth will be a stressful time, but the joy you'll feel when she is in your arms will be like no other.

 

You say your husband is a good man. Trust that he will have your back, and do his best to work this situation out in a way that benefits everyone. Do keep communicating with him about how your feel. It's important to continue the dialogue, but in a non-accusatory way ("I feel" statements instead of "Why can't you do x").

 

Your family is growing, which is such a blessing. Hopefully after your stepson's visit you all can stay connected.

[Iggles]

Okay, you're right. It's funny, his family has shown no interest in coming to visit or to be a part of any of this. They were all there for his son's birth and see him regularly, but aren't planning on coming for mine. I'm not exactly sure why that is, I haven't even met them yet. We are all 'friends' on Facebook, but haven't responded when I've reached out to them.

 

Is there anything I can do about that?

 

Saw this after my other post..

 

That's pretty odd. Did your husband and his Ex have a difficult break up? Were they close to her? Perhaps it's once bitten, twice shy.

 

All you can do is continue to be warm and inclusive. Invite them to the baby shower. You're facebook friends, so respond to posts on their page. Tell your husband invite them over for dinner. And go to family dinner as his plus 1.

[Madamdiva007]

Saw this after my other post..

 

That's pretty odd. Did your husband and his Ex have a difficult break up? Were they close to her? Perhaps it's once bitten, twice shy.

 

All you can do is continue to be warm and inclusive. Invite them to the baby shower. You're facebook friends, so respond to posts on their page. Tell your husband invite them over for dinner. And go to family dinner as his plus 1.

Yes, I think the break up was bad. She left him when their son was 6 months old, and it was pretty nasty I think. But they worked everything out as far as visitation and money, without the courts, and they get along fine now and are good friends.

 

He moved out of the country about 4 years ago so he could make better money, but it is only an hour and a half flight back to see his son. She is still in the UK, and I know she visits his mom and grandparents regularly. They are also in regular contact.

 

But we've invited his mom and family for the birth of our daughter and she hasn't shown any interest. She doesn't respond to my messages. She shows absolutely zero interest in meeting me or the baby.

 

It could be like you said, and maybe they feel like there's no point in getting to know me or form any relationship because of my husband's precious failed relationship? But he was very young then, and had only been with his ex a few months before she got pregnant. Him and I have a much more solid, substantial relationship then they did.

[SapphireNoir10]

Can I just say I totally understand how you feel and don't think you are wrong for feeling it.

 

This is your first child! Which is a hugely important step in your life and not knowing what birth is like can be very scary. I had a rough first birth and I was so glad my husband was there with full attention on me and the baby as I could hardly walk (Had a very easy second labour not trying to scare you!)

 

I can understand TOTALLY not wanting him to miss the birth of your child and I understand being wary of being overwhelmed with new people when you just want to enjoy your new little family.

 

I don't have much advice I'm just saying I get it!

[abitbroken]

I think he should absolutely be there for the birth of the baby. He should plan a special trip to see his son well before the baby is due if the pregnancy is healthy, or after the baby is born - then he can go with photos of the boy's new brother to show him. Birth is a one time shot. If the bdays end up being on the same day - then one child will always miss out on having their dad there for their birthday. I would say that the child in the other country gets dad just after his birthday or maybe the week before leading up and the new baby gets dad on the actual birthday, not because the baby is better than the first son, but because the new baby is in the same household. Don't let two kids grow up with the memory of dad not being there for their birthday.