Is it hopeless or am i not letting things progress without forcing it?

[smart14]

Hello all, I’m new to these forums so first of all I would like to say hello.

Ok so here’s the situation, me and my ex have been on and off for about 6 months now. Me and him had a pretty good relationship up until the time we both lost our jobs, we started fighting more and eventually broke up, after not talking for a while he reached out to me and we spent time together, the problem however was our time was always cut short because he was now self-employed and would say there was something he had to get done and I had to leave. This always upset me and made me feel like I didn’t matter to him, so I would get an attitude and that lead to him not wanting to talk to me anymore. A few more months past and we started talking again and spending time together and again it was ok but I would get upset that I didn’t feel like things were ever going to go anywhere so I got angry at him and again he pushed me away.

 

We are currently talking again, and of course again I feel uneasy about where things are going to go. I addressed it with him and asked him if we were going to work on being in a relationship again, to which he replied he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, he has to many things to focus on.

He is self-employed, and no doubt is busy and also lives an hour away so its not like he can just stop over for a few minutes, but I’ve had people tell me if someone really wants to be with you they are never too busy for you. Is that true, is he using too busy as an excuse to not commit to me?

What confuses me is that he always tells me he misses me and despite being busy he does make time to see me. It seems like he still does have feelings for me.

I worry sometimes he is just using me for a hookup, but at the same time after going our separate ways 3 different times and the fact he has to drive an hour to see me, I don’t think he would still be around if I was just for a hookup.

 

I think I scare him off when I start to talk about working towards being in a relationship again, but I bring it up because I fear he will never commit to me if I make it seem like I’m ok with seeing each other without eventually knowing we will be exclusive.

 

I guess the advice I’m looking for is, if I continue to see him without bringing up relationships and anything heavy, and just focus on being a fun person to be around and text with, will time and patience bring us together again?

[Hollyj]

He's already told you he doesn't want a relationship . Do yourself a favor and listen!

 

You keep repeating the same scenario and its not working. How many time do you need to repeat the same situation? Get off of the hamster wheel

 

You're right! it does sound like you are being used for a booty call.

[mhowe]

^^^In a nutshell...that is the situation. You have allowed it to become a booty call. He doesn't want a relationship and going to his house and hanging around and having sex will never turn it into a relationship.

[smart14]

^^^In a nutshell...that is the situation. You have allowed it to become a booty call. He doesn't want a relationship and going to his house and hanging around and having sex will never turn it into a relationship.

 

If we only had sex when i hung out with him then i would agree its a booty call, but we've actually hung out on several occasions where sex was not involved, and thats whats confusing me.

[mhowe]

Hanging out isn't a relationship either.

[smart14]

I know. It just really hurts because i don't want to let him go, i've had other relationships that ended and i moved on, but i'm really struggling with this one.

[Hollyj]

Expect more for yourself!

[mhowe]

I know. It just really hurts because i don't want to let him go, i've had other relationships that ended and i moved on, but i'm really struggling with this one.

 

It is already over...he isn't in it any longer.

[BigKK]

You're not "scaring him off" when you talk about moving forward with a relationship, you simply are not listening.

 

 

What about "He doesn't want a relationship with you" don't you understand, no matter how much you TALK to him about it, you won't change his mind.

[shessofly]

there really shouldn't be much confusion here - he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship so i think you have your answer. he's getting the benefits of being in a relationship without actually having to commit to you. it's a win-win for him. for you, not so much. let him go, free yourself from the confusion.

[UnluckyLove]

I'd say you're a FWB. Ever heard of push/pull? You're giving in to his wants without getting what you want in return, so you're pushing him away from having to commit to a relationship. Go NC (for yourself) and move on. By the time he is pulled back to you for more action you can say no thanks, you found someone worth your time. Know your value!

[Tanzi]

He has said he doesn't want to be in a relationship ... he backs away when you starting talking about relationships ... yet you have sex .... so, yes, you are telling him you are ok with seeing him and having sex with him without the commitment. Regardless of whether he has to drive an hour to see you he no doubt likes this set up because he has the best of both worlds. He is free to have sex with you when he wants yet he is single and is therefore available to date other women too. Who knows what will happen if he clicks with someone closer to home.

 

He knows the person you are already ... you don't need to stick around to prove anything of that nature to him. What you are proving to him, however, is that you are available for hook ups. You are not sending out the message you are hoping, you are sending out a completely different one and probably not one that will earn you much respect in his eyes.

[catfeeder]

I'd tell him that I adore him, but I'm going to walk away while we still think highly of one another. If he ever changes his mind and wants a committed relationship with you, he can let you know. If you're still available then, you might meet to catch up. Otherwise, you need space to heal and move forward.

 

Then I'd let him go. No need to paint him as a villain in this, but some people are best loved from far away. I'd grieve, heal, and when I'm ready, I'd start use OLD to meet other people until I found someone who's agenda is the same as my own.

 

Head high.

[goldway90]

Well he said he's not interested in relationship and you should listen to him. You are just hurting yourself at this moment by keep this thing going on.It's time to just move on with your life, he already knows how you feel about him so You need to heal and go NC. Good luck