JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 So a month ago, the “girl of my dreams” walked out of my life. I was absolutely devastated. So I started sleeping around (safely) to get over her. A month passed and this one particular girl (we’ll call her Beth) takes me back to her house from a club in town and we sleep together. The next morning, I shower and get all my things together and she says her friend (We’ll call her Lucy) is coming to pick her up because they’re spending the day out, which is fine by me. So we both get ready and Lucy arrives, I’m stood outside with a blazing hangover while Beth is inside grabbing a few things and Lucy starts up a conversation with me. We have a bit of a chat and a giggle and she offers me a lift home on the way to town which I graciously declined but was persuaded into anyway. So she drops me off at home and I spend the rest of the day thinking about her. I’m completely mesmerized by how little I knew about her but how entranced I was by her presence. Like I just knew I had to get to know this girl. When I think about her, all the upset and sadness of my ex simply disappears. Anyway, I find her on Facebook and add her only to discover that my best friend (we'll call him Danny) is a mutual friend. I hit him up and he tells me he's been friends with her for years so I ask him to wingman me, to which he replies “we'll see”, so we're out in town again that night (last night) and looking for Lucy and Beth because we know they're out too. Town is awful and we don't see anyone we know, just as we're about to leave we bump into Lucy and Danny is dragged away by the hand to the bar by her as he turns around to say “yeah we're staying in here!”, a bit disheartened but unwilling to give up I join them at the bar and buy their drinks. We go to the dancefloor and Danny is giving me the notion to dance with her, which I do. She feels me behind her and turns round, tells me very firmly, “No, you slept with my best friend, you can't try that on me.” The club is closing so I ask if I can have a word with her outside, to which she agrees. I tell her that I'm not interested in a one night stand but that I was actually hoping if she might meet me for coffee sometime, again, she declines. We speak the next day on Facebook and, to begin with, she stands by her original “no” but we have a laugh and a joke about it and she certainly seems more inclined and open to the possibility. Beth is definitely not bothered about me, so it's not like she would be betraying her friend and she said that that's the only reason she wouldn't meet me. So how do I convince this girl that I wanna get to know her as a friend and potentially build on that friendship? How do I convince her my intentions are pure? Edit: Thank you ever so much for reading and any help/advice is greatly greatly greatly appreciated! Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 This was not your question, but after leaving the "girl of your dreams," you need to take the time to get your life together, before you crash. Sleeping around with the hopes of recovering from a previous relationship is not a solution, it's an excuse. Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 She left me. I just find personally that sleeping around helps to ease the pain, if only temporarily. It's a natural action and if someone else is looking for something no-strings, then why not? I was just giving a bit of a background. My life is together. I see my friends more regularly, I smile more, I've just started a new career, things are looking up for me. I want this girl to be a part of where my life is going. Difference between her and my ex is, she'd enhance my life and not be my entire life. Link to comment
leseine7 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Agree with HeartGoesOn. You seem like you are very quick to idolize someone you don't even know yet. It's also a little disconcerting how little regard you have for women you actually sleep with. It seems like you're more interested in the chase with this lady, and I respect her not giving into you when her friend had just slept with you - that would make me feel gross in her shoes , or her friends. Be careful with these women you're just sleeping around with and pursuing - it seems like you're trying to fill something wounded from your recent break up that you probably should just deal with before getting involved with anyone. You cannot know 100% that treating some girl like she's disposable seconds after sleeping with her and going after her best friend won't make her feel like crap. Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 You are right, Leseine. I do idolize people very quickly but I am also extremely picky with my women. Call it a feeling but I'm pretty sure I can just tell when someone is worth pursuing. I just want to clarify that I'm not proud of my actions and yeah it's an awkward situation. But there's a huge difference between the girls I'd have a one night stand with and the girls who I actually want to build something with. I've been heartbroken a few times in the past and I don't let it get to me so bad anymore. I know when I'm not ready, when I'm trying desperately to fill the void that an ex has left and when I genuinely am ready to start something new. The only way I can put it is that, yes I'm regretful that I slept with her best friend but I'm also grateful because if I hadn't, I would have never met her. I'm tired of sleeping around. I just want to meet someone, have a laugh, enjoy life and make a few friends along the way, too. I want that someone to be her and maybe one day it'd become something more. I want a love where two people stand back to back and face the world together, y'know? I will chase this girl but I'm not about to get bored if she gives in because "the fun has ended" and the chase has been won. I am genuinely interested. Link to comment
FlashEng1 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 She left me. I just find personally that sleeping around helps to ease the pain, if only temporarily. It's a natural action and if someone else is looking for something no-strings, then why not? I was just giving a bit of a background. My life is together. I see my friends more regularly, I smile more, I've just started a new career, things are looking up for me. I want this girl to be a part of where my life is going. Difference between her and my ex is, she'd enhance my life and not be my entire life. Yeah... My mom used to smoke crack to help ease the pain (seriously)... It just sucks with the after effects that happen in life from such sh**ty decisions. Convicted felon and all, but has a job, friends, and her life "together," with an occasional smoke.. But anyway, analogies and explaining why sleeping around and having random sex is no better than putting a crack pipe in your mouth clearly won't help here; so getting to the point. Advice?? You're screwed.. Unless Lucy is a , or very young/immature, it's not happening. The situation is flat out nasty. She met you after her friend has slept with you, and while she was picking her up.. That will always be in her head. Try a better platform in meeting and falling for people, so you don't get in crappy situations like this. It would be very different if you met Lucy via an entirely different situation/location/time, and happened to find out Beth and her were friends.. But come on, she was picking up her friend the very next day **after** you slept with her friend. Good luck man.. Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Thanks, FlashEng! But I mean, it was four years after my ex, ex girlfriend that I met my ex. These girls that I fall for aren't just anywhere, I'm really particular. My type does change with each passing relationship. I told her that I wished I could have met her under a different circumstance and I DO think she is becoming more open to the idea of meeting me and I believe that if she does and as time goes on, she'll remember less and less that I slept with her best friend and focus more on who I actually am and what I'm all about. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 She isn't going to forget you slept with her best friend. Ever. And her friendship means more to her than any future with you. Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 You guys are being pretty cold about this. I came here for genuine advice, not to be put down about it. I ed up and I do regret it, what more can I say or do? Update: We're talking more often now and about things on a more friendly basis, we have a lot in common and she seems to really enjoy talking to me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Do you mean texting? Genuine advice is genuine advice ---- just because it isn't what you wanted to hear doesn't make it less genuine. LOL>:sulkiness: Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yeah I mean texting, I've known the girl two days. I get it, you all think that I'm just gonna mess this girl around, right? Because I'm "emotionally damaged" and have a "bad track record." Edit: speech marks Link to comment
saluk Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 The writing is on the wall. You are moving very quickly, first from a hard breakup into casual sex, and then from casual sex into wanting a relationship. You haven't given yourself any time to really process and become ready for a relationship; instead filling the hole that was left with whatever you can so that you don't have to feel that pain. You may not be pursuing this new conquest for a one night stand, and your intentions may be honorable, but if she lets you in you are probably going to end up hurting her. Rebounds are a thing "Call it a feeling but I'm pretty sure I can just tell when someone is worth pursuing." I'm pretty sure this is bunk. For whatever reason, you are getting vibes from this girl that are triggering your idea of what you want in a woman. But so soon after the end of the last one, in my experience, your feelings are way off. You could be into her because of things that make her similar to your ex, making her a replacement; or you could be attracted to her in ways that are different, making her a way to say goodbye, or some combination. The end result being that you are not able to see her for herself, as she really is. This is besides the fact that when meeting someone new, you really can't see them how they really are. "I've been heartbroken a few times in the past and I don't let it get to me so bad anymore." No, because you've learned a coping mechanism for those feelings that has gotten you into this messy situation If you had found this girl sometime after not feeling the need to sleep around it would be different. But you met her literally in the middle of your bender. Link to comment
relevart Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 She left me. I just find personally that sleeping around helps to ease the pain, if only temporarily. Please be using protection so your temporary pain reliever doesn't become a life long committment in nine months.... or worse, a STD. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yeah I mean texting, I've known the girl two days. I get it, you all think that I'm just gonna mess this girl around, right? Because I'm "emotionally damaged" and have a "bad track record." Edit: speech marks You don't have the option of messing her around. She isn't interested. And you don't have a bad track record. You have a one night stand with her best friend. Thats it. Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Thank you for your honesty, Saluk. It was nice to read something realist without being stained by spite. Though I disagree, I recently read through some of mine and my ex's messages just to see it from the outside without being so emotionally involved anymore and it was sheer horror. It wasn't a healthy relationship and we argued a hell of a lot, we simply weren't compatible and I'm fine with that. I saw her with another guy the other day, she waved and I smiled and waved back. I wasn't even bothered. The guy she was with seemed more bothered than me as he gave a sort of a nervous grin. Relevart, I did mention earlier I was being safe. And Mhowe, I do have to ask how you could possibly know for sure that she isn't interested. Link to comment
relevart Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 My bad I missed that part. Thanks for responding to me. Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Sure thing buddy! Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 >>How do I convince her my intentions are pure? Because they are not. You don't want to be her friend, you want to bang her and date her. She might be willing to be friendly with you, but most people will not toss over their best friend for some random guy they just met. And unless the friend Beth absolutely does not care that you banged her and instantly starting chasing her friend, and isn't annoyed that you tossed her over in a nanosecond and labelled her a one night stand to her friend, you have zero chance at all. Were you really clear it was only a one night stand with Beth, or did it just become a one night stand the second you laid eyes on Lucy? Lucy is not stupid. She'll figure that out and probably does not want to date you. I honestly would find it smarmy if I met you leaving my best friend's house after a sleepover and you instantly dropped my friend and started breathing down my neck. Lots of women would feel the same way, and lots of women don't approve of one night stands or men who treat their best friends as disposable one night stands either. So you can spend more time trying to befriend Lucy,but I wouldn't get your hopes up or waste too much time on it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 My friends and I have a "girlfriend code". That means none of us pursue or date anyone that any of us has dated or "been with". It's just a courtesy we extend toward one another. And that results in none of us being interested in a guy that any of us has "been with", because we think it's kind of icky. I'm not saying these women have that code, but I can understand if Lucy thinks it would be kind of icky to date a guy her friend Beth had sex with. Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I want to bang her sure. You're right. If the time becomes right and we're both seriously into each other. Beth 100% does not give a **** about me. She's not that type of girl, she's not the type of girl to get emotionally involved with someone, she's too busy enjoying being single and wanted by everyone and had by nobody. I was 100% sure it was a one night stand from the second I saw her gaze at me, we actually discussed it before I left her house and I was trying to explain nicely that she knew it was just a one night stand and she was like "Don't be so gay, I don't do feelings, I was worried you might think it was more." and we haven't spoken since and I have since seen her making out and grinding against guys in town. I don't wanna jump straight back into a relationship with this girl, I'm not looking for a long-term commitment from day one. I'm looking for someone who's just a little more than a good friend, at least to begin with. The kind of girl I'd take out in the daytime for a laugh but a girl I could kiss at the end of the night before she walks through her door and I want that girl to be Lucy. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 btw, have you actually had any communication with Beth since the one night stand? As in finding out whether she perceived it was a one night stand too, or thought it was the beginning of actually dating her? And did you even call Beth later after you slept with her, or just dropped her like a hot rock when you got eyes on Lucy? If you treated Beth disrespectfully and as soon as you got out of bed with her started chasing her friend, that is your problem and the hurdle you most likely will not get over. You may have perceived it as a happy little one night stand with Beth that you don't have to think twice about and instantly walk away from without looking back, but Beth (and Lucy) may be thinking, there's that guy who used me for sex and now he's chasing Lucy for more of the same. And neither will ever take you seriously. You're thinking the problem is you need to break down Lucy's resistance because Beth is her friend, but they are thinking they don't want to sleep with a guy who they view uses women and wants to swap from woman to woman like musical chairs. That is what this situation looks like. That may not be your intention, but that is basically what happened. Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yeah I get that, and you're right. Please do refer to my last post though, I did speak to her about it and I didn't wanna make it any more awkward than it had to be so I haven't spoken to her since. Mine and Lucy's conversations are becoming more and more open, I think she may be loosening to the idea of a friendship at the very least. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Or she could just be playing mind games with you and she and Beth are having a good chuckle... Link to comment
JackHayman Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Nahh, I doubt it. I'm just being friendly. It's not like I'm professing my love to her or reciting poems. Link to comment
leseine7 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I agree a lot of the advice is critical, and there shouldn't be judgment being dished out about your choosing to sleep with people - especially if you know they are not hoping for more than just sex. But I have been a girl who 'agreed' to a NSA situation but still felt hurt it became that, and a lot of women no matter how tough don't really like the idea that they are nothing more than a physical thing to a guy. For a lot of women I know it takes having a certain attraction in the first place to even want to have sex, so it's a little blase just to be like 'oh they definitely know it doesn't mean anything.' So it's more a caution that sleeping with lots of people going forward may not fix the issues of getting over your ex no matter how good it feels. Other things that don't involve peoples' feelings can also feel good and not be as messy. Don't be regretful you slept with her best friend - I don't think anyone should be shaming you for your actions. I think what probably sucks to hear right now is that you should probably move on from this Lucy person though. Not because you "f'ed up" but because, regardless of your intentions or actions, she doesn't seem interested and it doesn't seem like a situation likely to change in your favor. Also, when a girl says no... she means no. No means NO!! You will find someone you have that instant connection with, who will also want to be with you. That's what you should be looking for, and nothing else we say here matters. Link to comment
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