UPDATE:Is it too much to expect a phone call every day?

PrincessLinzay · January 25, 2005

I think one of the best ways of getting someone back is to totally back off and walk away. When you stand up for yourself and say, "I will not tolerate this type of treatment - I'm going to find someone who is going to love me the way I deserve to be loved," sometimes, the other person realizes that they miss you and they come back to you! It may not happen right away, but the thing is, sometimes you need to let someone miss you. If you are calling a dozen times in 5 days, he doesn't have the opportunity to miss hearing from you. Instead, as someone else said, it becomes a burden to answer their calls.

Agreed! You definitely don't want to "guilt-trip" someone into being with you. You want them there because they want to be. Sometimes the only way to make someone see what they had, is to walk away. Catch is, you have to be willing to accept that they might not come back. But either way, it still at least lets you keep your pride.

Calling everyday is llike beating you head into a brick wall. If they don't want to talk to you, be like a child "Fine, I don't want to talk to you either". (not literally, but you see what Im saying....) No contact has always been the best way for me personally. I feel empowered, and I can keep my pride and dignity.

It's well worth the risk.

Fif Angel · January 25, 2005

Well, it has been two days now since I last tried to contact him. It has been hard as it is a week since we last spoke. Am just trying to keep my mind off him- I was talking to my mother about him and she told me that she felt there ws something she didn`t like about him the last time she saw him, which was New Year.

She also said that she couldn`t see a `spark` between us, which is weird.

I had an evening class tonight and on the way there I had to drive past his flat and his office. Both had the lights switched off. So much for the workaholic... I was sorely tempted to go and knock on the door but of course I didn`t.

I have decided to give him a week, as he asked for time to think. A week to think about things and get in touch one way or the other. If he doesn`t contact me by then, I am going to e-mail him and he will tell him EXACTLY what I think of him. Is that enough time do you think or should I make it two weeks?

I have to say, at the moment what I feel most is anger. I don`t feel sorry for `calling him a liar` ( even though I didn`t *sigh*) now, just anger that he was so childish in not talking to me.

I mean surely if I HADN`T been angry with him after five days, it would indicate that I was either some sort of automaton or that I just didn`t give a damn, which is surely worse.

Anyways I guess all I can do for the moment is wait.

DN · January 25, 2005

Total bummer. Two points:

If you tell him exactly what you think of him be prepared for the relationship to be over as of then. This may or may not be a good thing - only you can decide.

When we tell our parents about problems with our 'significant others' (I hate that term but it does cover all sorts of relationships) they almost always take our side. If we resolve the problem with the S/O they still harbour suspicions/resentments of them. We then resent that on behalf of our newly lovable S/O and that causes difficulties with parents A vicious circle then starts. Similar things can happen confiding in friends but you have to vent to someone. Or post on here

Fif Angel · January 25, 2005

Well, like I said I am going to e-mail him in a week ( possibly two) if he DOESN`T contact me. By that time, I think I will have earned my right to annoyed, especially as he said he would e-mail me yesterday.

If I tell him exaclty what I think of him and the relationship ends then that will be entirely his fault for being selfish enough to think that I don`t have feelings or the right to express him. What I will say to him will be honest but fair and it is what I would say to him if he DOES get in touch, that I am angry and annoyed and won`t be taken for granted in this relationship.

With regards to the parents issue, well I like to thin I know my mother pretty well and I also know that she has no hesitation in telling me her own honest opinions on any issue and will not just `side with me`

There have been many times when she has told me that I am in the wrong about an issue and my boyfriend is right.

If I do get back with my boyfriend then I know she will not harbour any suspicion or resentment of him, but will jusdge anything he ( or I) do from then onwards and not based on a past situation

RayKay · January 26, 2005

With regards to the parents issue, well I like to thin I know my mother pretty well and I also know that she has no hesitation in telling me her own honest opinions on any issue and will not just `side with me`

There have been many times when she has told me that I am in the wrong about an issue and my boyfriend is right.

My mum does not always side with me either but in the past she has been accurate about many things..about people who were right for me, and those who she knew there was some "light" or "spark" on his side missing..of course generally I found this out later....but she definitely is honest and will not side with me just for the sake of siding with me!

It was in fact part of the reason I was soooo nervous about my mum meeting my boyfriend...I had told her he was moving in with me, after a very short dating period and she had not met him yet...I was terrified as I knew if she saw something there (or not there) she would approve or not (though I still knew I very much wanted to move in with him as it is definitely right!) but fortunately, it seems she does approve!

Funny how mothers just know

Anyway, to the original subject again...I think you are making a good decision..though I must be honest, even if it does take him a week to come back (or 6 days) I would say you should still go through with ending it, but of course that is your choice. And, I would really try to not expect too much from him by the things you have told us through this post...I think he is trying to take the easy way out...by just "disappearing" rather than giving you the respect you deserve to let you know he no longer feels "into it". Sometimes we do need time apart, but only when it is agreed upon...not when one partner decides to hide and run! So best of luck, I do hope you let us know what happens and keep us updated.

Fif Angel · January 26, 2005

Well, I wasn`t going to post again until I hear from him but for some reason I am really feeling things today.

I don`t feel angry now, it seems like all of yesterday`s anger deflated and now I just feel really sad and hurt about everything.

I suppose I have to accept that there is a real possibility that this relationship is over and it never really hit me until today that the signs aren`t actually that good.

I keep checking my e-mails all the time to see if he has contacted me. The worst part is that there is no definate time limit to this `no contact thing`, he hasn`t said how long he needs.

Do you think I should give him more than a week? Or even just wait until he contacts me. Technically speaking we have already had more than a week of no contact, so if I give him a week it will actually be two etc.

Is that enough time? When I was angry yesterday I felt really sure of myself and what I wanted but now I just don`t know.

Iceman26 · January 26, 2005

I think the best thing to ask yourself is why you would bother worrying about a selfish immature child like him anymore. I doubt he is thinking too much about it. You have obviously already caught him in lies about him "working late", and if he really cared, he would have called already.

I hate to be so blunt, I feel for whats going on for you but I think you have wasted enough time worrying about him and what he is doing already. Why dont you make the next move, write him an email giving him a piece of your mind, and move on.

RayKay · January 26, 2005

I think the best thing to ask yourself is why you would bother worrying about a selfish immature child like him anymore. I doubt he is thinking too much about it. You have obviously already caught him in lies about him "working late", and if he really cared, he would have called already.

I hate to be so blunt, I feel for whats going on for you but I think you have wasted enough time worrying about him and what he is doing already. Why dont you make the next move, write him an email giving him a piece of your mind, and move on.

As I said before, I agree with this! Don't waste any more time with him...seriously! He is being a selfish boy and as I also said before, you deserve a LOT better. YOU end it, don't wait for him.

DN · January 26, 2005

Sorry you are in this mess, hope you can resolve it soon.

I know lots of people have been telling you that the guy's a jerk and you should dump him, but it seems to me that is not what you want - nor do you want him to dump you. So, for the purposes of this post, I am going to assume you want the relationship to continue and not impose my judgement on whether you should break up with him or not.

I think that what has happened here is that both of you have unintentionally escalated this whole thing into a major power struggle and neither is going to be satisfied until the other concedes total defeat. You have been demanding he respond, he has been refusing the demand. You are both so entrenched in your own opinion that merely conceding the other may have a point is looked on as a defeat. This attitude on both your parts will inevitably doom the relationship, sooner or later, no matter who 'wins' this particular argument.

I believe the only way you can get back on track is to defuse the argument. You should concede that you are being too demanding that he call you every day, in return he should concede that he is not being considerate enough of your feelings. Instead of saying, in effect, "you are not being a good boyfriend unless you call me every day" perhaps saying something like "it makes me happy and comforted to be in touch with you" is a much more positive way of phrasing what you want and makes it more affectionate than demanding.

Play back the conversation in your mind when he 'agreed' to the phone call every day. Was that a spontaneous agreement on his part or more of a resigned agreement to your 'demand'. Think of the phrasing both of you used and it may help to see why he is having such a hard time living up to the agreement.

I hope this helps and that you can both salvage your relationship. If you do work things out, though, try to ensure you have done so completely, or lingering resentment over this issue could come back to haunt you.

Hopefully, you two will be able to look back on this in years to come and see it as an issue that helped make a stronger relationship; one that can get you through tough times.

I know he is not responding to e-mails but, if anything I have said resonates with you, then you might try a 'defusing the issue' message.

Good luck

PrincessLinzay · January 26, 2005

I wouldn't send any "tell-off" emails. You'll only regret it, and he'll just think he's made the right decision then. Don't counteract one childish act with another. It might just ruin your chances of a reconciliation also, and I don't think that's what you're aiming for. Just tough it out, if he calls, he calls, if not, to hell with him. Make him wonder.

Iceman26 · January 26, 2005

I wish I could give impartial advice, but in my opinion, life is too short to sit on the fence.

You are a young woman, with a whole life ahead of her, so ask yourself this question: Could you see yourself married to a guy that communicated the way he does? Treats you the way he has been? Is uncaring about your feelings?

If the answer is "no" to those questions then you should know what you need to do. You seem like a smart girl.

Fif Angel · January 31, 2005

Well.... thought I would give you all an update to let you know what`s been happening.

Last Thursday I was at breaking point and was so tempted to contact him, but then I got a text mesage from him that simply said `I love u`.

After I got that message I decided to bite the bullet and give him a call.

To my relief he actually answered the phone. He sounded really tired and sad. He didn`t say much, just asked how I had been doing etc. I was desperate to ask him what had happened etc but I sensed that it wasn`t the time for accusations so we just chatted.He told me that he loved me again. To be honest, him just picking up the phone was a major step forwards. We arranged to meet up on Saturday for lunch and a long talk.

When I saw him on Saturday he actually looked pretty awful, massive bags under the eyes like he hand`t slept. He gave me a big hug and we chatted.

He told me that when he got my messages on Thursday he was upset because it felt like a massive accusation on my behalf. We had argued a few days previously and he said that it just felt like one thing after another, that we were always fighting now.

He told me he has been very stressed at work recently (this is true, apparently

they may be getting sued) and he just couldn`t handle it.

I told him how worried I was that he hadn`t contacted me and he apologised and said he should have sent me a text to let me know he was ok.

We had a long talk where I told him how I felt about being ignored and how upset I was on Sunday night when he wouldn`t talk to me. He told me that that night he was so depressed and upset that he couldn`t face talking to me on the phone. He said he was worried that I would just shout him down.

When I told him how much it had hurt me he looked like he was about to cry and said that it had upset him to hear me cry but that he just couldn`t bring himself to talk.

He told me he had though about breaking up with me, but knew that he couldn`t as he still loved me.

Well, we had a long talk about that and some other things and have agreed to make a fresh strat in our relationship. We are going to take things very slowly and work on our communication issues.

I think it will take a while to get back to normal but I love him and am wiling to work on things.

Anyways I just wanted to thank everyone here so much for helping me out and giving me advice. You are all such lovely people and your help has meant so much to me. Im so glad I found this site! Thanks again

RayKay · January 31, 2005

Wow Fif, I am really happy to hear this...it sounds like your withdrawal worked after all in showing him what he was missing, and it does sound like he is prepared to work things through. I hope his actions will follow his words

Best of luck, and please let us know how things go, I'll be interested to hear it And of course, post if you have any more questions!

Iceman26 · February 1, 2005

lol good luck with him.

Meow18 · February 1, 2005

It sounds like things are slowly working out for the both of you and its great he finally talked to you about everything. I also think that working on your communication is a great idea because that really seems to be the main issue. Thanks for the update, I'm glad things are going well!

Fif Angel · February 1, 2005

well thanks again guys ( although Iceman- I think I am sensing disapproval?! ) I guess a lot of people ( including me) thought he was going to break up.

Anyways, things are by no means perfect but they are better. We are still not seeing each other very much because of his commitments (I have only seen him once since we `made-up`) but we are talking every day now and he is initiating quite a lot of the calls which is good.

Apparently he intends to spend more `quality time` with me after this week, when he will have more time, so we`ll see how that goes.

Don`t worry-I am sure I will have plenty of more issues over the next few months and you will no doubt be hearing alot more of my relationship questions so stand ready!

Iceman26 · February 2, 2005

Disapproval? No. Amusement, yes.

Fif Angel · February 2, 2005

I`m intrigued now..

xmrth · February 3, 2005

Alot of people seem to think that if someone makes a post about something wrong, they should break up and find someone new, and nothing is worth fixing.

And hey, things are apparently going well for you now! There's nothing wrong with that, no relationship has zero problems (as much as people may, er.. claim.)

annie24 · February 3, 2005

Alot of people seem to think that if someone makes a post about something wrong, they should break up and find someone new, and nothing is worth fixing.
And hey, things are apparently going well for you now! There's nothing wrong with that, no relationship has zero problems (as much as people may, er.. claim.)

Well, it's not about just giving up at the littlest bump. Life is filled with enough pain - cancer, death, car accidents. We can't control those. But, what we can control is how much pain we go through in a relationship. I'm all for avoiding unnecessary pain.

Since she had called him so many times and he wasn't even considerate enough to return those phone calls, it seemed that she was putting far more effort into the relationship than he was. At the time, it didn't seem that he was still committed to the relationship. No, to answer her post, I really don't think a phone call a day is too much to ask for, especially for a relationship that's been 2 years long.

But, things seem to have taken a turn for the better. That is great! I personally would proceed with cautious optimism.

A lot of people who post on Enotalone have some pretty major issues in their relationships. I don't see too many posts like, "I have the most perfect boyfriend who loves me and is great in every way.... BUT, he hates Chinese food, which is my favorite!!!"

So, I think there's a time to stay and fight for a relationship, and there's a time to walk away.

xmrth · February 3, 2005

I do agree, but I think that what makes me feel like she did the right thing by giving it her all is because I know where she's coming from to an extent.

I think I'm just one of those people who can't help but feel like there's always something you can do, and to see where it goes for a bit-- but again, to an extent, such as more serious issues going beyond this, in which case, you really should walk away.

annie24 · February 3, 2005

Yeah - there's a line between "giving it a good try" and being a doormat. The longer you've been with someone, the more work you'll put in before you walk away. A relationship is supposed to make you feel happy! Remember, we have so many other stressful things to think about - work, school, exams, taxes, broken cars.... a relationship shouldn't add to that stress - it should alieviate it. So, I've just come to the point where if a relationship is making me upset and nervous more than it makes me happy, I've decided it's not a good sign, and I walk away.

Fif Angel - I do truly hope things work out for you! I hope you and your bf work things out and go on to smoother days!

Fif Angel · February 3, 2005

Well I hope so too

Like I said, I am going to take things very slowly. Cautious Optimism is right.

But at the moment things are getting better. And I for one am happy with that.

DN · February 3, 2005

So, I've just come to the point where if a relationship is making me upset and nervous more than it makes me happy, I've decided it's not a good sign, and I walk away.

I must learn how to do that Qoute thing.

Anyway, that's fine, Annie, when you are not married but there have been times in my marriage when both of us would have walked away on that basis. I know it's not necessarily applicable to this post etc. but people should bear it in mind for the future when looking at their relationships.

Iceman26 · February 4, 2005

Well having problems in a marriage is one thing, considering the vows of a traditional marriage are "Till death do us part". I think many people forget the meaning of those words when they speak them.

Regardless of my opinion, good luck Fif, I hope for your sake that this guy proves to be better then he has been.

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UPDATE:Is it too much to expect a phone call every day?

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