UPDATE:Is it too much to expect a phone call every day?

[PAdreamer]

I used to talk to my boyfriend every day, but eventually you run out of things to say. When our phone conversations started to become fewer and farther between, I was a little put off by it. I talked to him about it a few times, and it still went on a bit. Finally we got into a pattern. The key was that I had to stop freaking out every time I didn't get a hold of him when I wanted to. My constant calling or need to call him was pretty excessive, and even obsessive. And we live very far from each other, so I had a good excuse for wanting to call him every day. But I had to allow for the facts that he has a life, and he might not have much to say, and he might not feel much like talking. I had to be okay with all of those things.

 

Talking less (though not MUCH less, mind you) can be a nice thing. It lets you both feel like you have some breathing space, plus you have more to talk about since you haven't spoken for a few days. It keeps your from feeling smothered, and you loook forward more to those times when you DO talk.

[Fif Angel]

Well thanks again for all the advice guys- I didn`t think I would get so many replies so quickly and I am so grateful to you all.

 

Well- I am still hanging in there, waiting for a call. It occurs to me that over the past 3-4 days days I have rang him eleven times, sent him three text messages and left a voicemail message on his phone and all for what?

 

I am actually angry now, not just upset, but angry as I think is it just bad manners to leave it this long.

 

I think I am going to go out with some of my friends tonght and have more than a few drinks and just forget about trying to contact him.

 

The last time this happened I was just going to wait it out and see when he would call but I ended up phoning him and he didn`t seem to think it was a big deal that we hadn`t spoken. That was when we had our big talk etc

 

Now I feel that I have been reaching out to him enough- leaving a voicemail and messages asking him to phone me and it is his turn.

 

I have a good mind to ignore him if he tries to call tonight.

 

I am upset because this is officially the longest we have gone without talking in our relationship, apart from a year ago when I was in kuala Lumpur, but even then we e-mailed every day, on his insistence!

 

It seems like double standards to me.

 

PA dreamer -thanks for the post,I appreciate that he has a life of his own etc but the fact is that he is not just not calling me , he is also ignoring my calls. I can also honestly say that we have never had a conversation dry up when we do talk-we can both of us talk for England so I don`t think it is a case of him not knowing what to say..

 

I hate seeing my guy who is so in love with me doing this to me. In some ways I feel like an idiot, running after him so hav resolved to stop calling

 

People have suggested breaking up with him to find someone who is more emotionally attuned to me but I wish I was as simple as that!

 

I mean it`s not like I can break up with him tomorrow get over him by Sunday and find someone by the end of next week to fall in love with! It takes years to build up emotional intimacy, trust etc in a relationship plus I want to make it work with this guy.

 

When we are together things are( for the most part good), it has been this wretched job which has pretty much been the sole cause of all our problems over the past 6 months.

[Fif Angel]

Well, its now been 5 days since we last spoke and I`m actually starting to worry that something has happened to him.

 

I phoned his mobile and flat today but got no reply, which is weird as he has flatmates. I left another message on his answer machine telling him how upset I am.

 

This is the longest he`s ever gone without contacting me.

 

I`m so worried now I haven`t been sleeping and I`ve spent the whole day literally feeling nervous and shaky..

 

I just don`t know what to do..am thinking of driving over there but there`s no point if no one is at home.

[annie24]

Ok, I see two possibilities: 1) He's hurt and can't call you. Or 2) Your phone numbers may be showing up and he doesn't want to pick up the phone. Or, he just has a feeling it's you and doesn't want to pick up. You said that you've already called him over a dozen times. He might just ... well... not want to talk to you.

 

If you're worried if he's hurt, perhaps you can ring him from an unknown number. If he picks up, just hang up. Then you know he's not hurt, but he doesn't want to talk to you.

 

I'm sorry - I hope things get better for you!

[DN]

Sorry but I agree with Annie24. And her suggested plan makes sense. If you want to continue a relationship with this guy I would suggest this is a real good time not to risk pressuring him. But if you want to force a decision one way or the other then go ahead and see what happens.

[Fif Angel]

Well..I finally got in touch( sort of) and things aren`t good.

 

Got a txt from him say `hey, jake (flatmate) told me you called and that you sounded upset. I`m sorry but I`ve had my phone off most of the weekend-i need some time to myself. Fif Angel I`m not happy. I got ur messages on thursday and was upset. I really need some time to myself.`

 

I was really shocked then- I didn`t know what he meant. I sent him a mesage on thursday after he had been ignoring my calls for 24 hours that said `Jesus, I don`t know why I bother-you could at least have the decency to text me back. And don`t bother phoning me up with ur usual "i was in a meeting and my batteries ran out" coz I seriously will not be buying it`

 

I admit that that text wasn`t very nice but it surely wasn`t enough to make him upset enough to need time to think. Plus it came after 24 hours of tryng to get in touch and weeks of this type of thing happening n the past.

 

I phoned him up then but he refused to asnwer the phone. I sent him a message sayng that I was sorry, I didn`t know why he was angry with me and to please phone me. He sent back

 

`Your msg where you basically told me I was a liar because I hadn`t texted back`

 

I don`t understand-where in that text did I accuse him of being a liar? I phoned him uo again but he didn`t answer I left a message saying I was sorry that I didn`t mean for him to take that from the text and would he please phone me. By this time I was cryng down the phone to him.

 

I got another text `I think your meaning was clear` ( so in other words he is now accusing ME of being a liar, lying to him about what was meant in the text) `This happens so often Fif Angel and I don`t know if I can take it. I`m f****** stressed at the moment and u just won`t stop being angry with me- ur voicemail made that clear`

 

I had sent him a voicemail earlier saying that I was upset and angry that it had taken him 5 days to phone. By this point I was also worried sick, thinking he had been in a car crash or something.

 

I`m so confused-it`s a catch 22. I`m angry with him because he won`t keep in touch and he won`t keep in touch because I`m angry. I can`t understand the liar accusation- I`m sure it wasn`t THAT implicit form the text. I have caught him out in lying before so maybe that is why he was defensive.

 

What really upsets me is that he never once answered his phone, but would then pick it up, listen to me crying down it, saying I was sorry and then cooly text me back. Why couldn`t he just talk to me?

 

I don`t know what Ive done now and Im so upset. He says he will e-mail me today to explain things. I`m terrified that this is the end- I love him so much. I`d do anything to take back the text I sent- I never dreamed he`d take it so seriously.

 

Please..any advice at all is appreciated, I`m going mad here, I`m so upset.. thank you

[annie24]

I'm so sorry Fif Angel! I feel for you. I really don't like this guys of yours though. He's taken a situation and turned it back around on you. I don't like people who do that - it's so manipulative. So, basically, he's been getting your calls, and been choosing to ignore them. And he's accusing you of being a liar. Nice.

 

Look, you're young. There are much better guys out there. This one just sounds like a jerk. Even if he did need "alone time" this weekend, there are nice ways a person can go about that, and there are mean ways, and this dude was being mean to you. So what if he is stressed? He's acting like he's the only person in the world that's ever been under stress and everyone around him has to walk on eggshells and be very very quite because he's so special and busy. What a jerk.

 

If he wants to break up, let him. You don't need someone who can live without you. You are special, and since he's not treating you that way, it's best to move on.

 

Gosh - I'm so sorry about your situation. I know you'll get through it - these are the hardest days - everything will get better from now on. Good luck!

[Iceman26]

Why did you say you were sorry? There was nothing you should be sorry about, you spoke the truth and your true feelings. If he isn't going to make time to talk with you, then why date him?

 

He sounds like a selfish and inconsiderate person, and I am sure you deserve better.

[Iceman26]

Things will get better, just give it some time.

[Fif Angel]

well, I apologised to him as I didn`t mean to accuse him of being a liar.

 

Looking at the text I sent, I think when I said `don`t give me your usual "I was in a meeting and my battery ran out" coz I seriously will not be buying it` he took that to mean that I was accusing him of being somewhere else other than work.

 

As I said to him on his voicemail, I wasn`t saying that I didn`t believe he was at work, but that I didn`t accept his being a work as a justification for not getting in touch.

 

He obviously doesn`t believe me though.. `I think your meaning was clear`. I don`t understand why he won`t accept that I made a mistake.

 

Plus, why did it take him three days to tell me he was angry?

 

He said he would e-mail me today but he hasn`t. I don`t know what to do..he says he needs time to think but didn`t specify how long..a week..a month?

 

And I can`t phone him to ask as it will just push him away more..this really is a mess.

[DN]

I think I may have taken that text as an accusation of lying.

 

Why don't you just chill for a while and let him call you when he's ready?

[Meow18]

This is really just getting confusing and you are both getting upset over all this. Whats really pathetic is that he won't talk to you on the phone like an adult and explain things to you. You gave 2 years of your life to this man, you deserve it! If he ends things over email, then he's really not a guy who's worth it. I mean, you deserve to be able to talk to him. He's being stubborn.

 

If I was in your situation I would have gotten so frustrated and just texted him saying that if he couldn't have the deceny to call me and tell me what's going on and talk to me the way I deserve to be talked to, then I wasn't going to waste any more energy on him. I probably would have regretted it, like you regret "calling him a liar", but you didn't mean to make it seem like that. Obviously something is going on with him.

 

I know its hard, but seriously this guy is not being cool. I can't believe that he's acting this way. He's being selfish leaving you hanging like this. Seriously, I think you could do so much better. There are guys out there who are so busy and won't call you during the day just to say hi, but there are other guys who are busy but will still find time for that special person.

 

I understand how hard it is, I don't even know what I would do if my boyfriend was acting this way. I know I would get really frustrated and say things I would regret. However, it would be a clear sign to me that this guy is not who I can live with for the rest of my life. Of course it would be hard to actually admit that because I love him, but you just have to think about what's best for you.

 

THe quote in my signature says "Committing your love to someone means losing the chance to experience another's love. So just be sure the person you're committed to deserves your love or else it's not worth the sacrifice."

[RayKay]

Well, I still don't think you should of apologized..maybe explained your meaning but that is it.

 

To me, it sounds like he is being well, first off a complete jerk, and second manipulative, third..trying to hide something.

 

He is trying to turn it around on you so the whole situation is YOUR fault..don't let him do that..or let him, but don't take it to heart. He is either at the point he is "looking for reasons to break it off" (I had this happen to me in the past) and will grab at anything, or he is so selfish that he really things you are to blame..and if he does you are better off without him!

 

Don't let him make the choice about whether it is the end or not...if he could not call you for FIVE FREAKING DAYS and tell you what was up or what the problem was....take that as a sign you deserve better and walk yourself. That to me is a huge sign of disrespect on his part, and though I advised you before you might consider walking I am EMPHASIZING it now. He is selfish, the world does NOT revolve around him and you deserve a MAN who can tell you if something is bothering him, or if he needs a couple days to himself, or if he was offended by something..and a man who will call you!

 

Seriously, don't let him have control of this situation...take control yourself and let him know you are walking away...or heck, don't accept his calls/texts and see how he feels before you tell him you need time to yourself...FOREVER. Sinking to his level..maybe, but it would feel good..lol. Since he won't take your calls though, and if he is not open to you stopping by in person (I am guessing not?) do it the email way..not something I recommend unless it is an abusive case, or where you literally cannot see them..but I think you might fall into the latter.

[DN]

I understand your frustration and get the point of the others posts. But we haven't heard his side of it. Perhaps if he were the one posting he might say something on the lines of:

 

" my gf is constantly bugging me to call her every day, even though I've told her it's not always possible or that I don't always have much to say. She knows I'm not a great one for talking on the phone and calling from work can be difficult. I am starting to feel like this is some sort of test and as if I am like a kid who has to check in with his Mom all the time. Why can't she just back off a bit so I can be more spontaneous. She says we agreed to a call every day but she was the one who suggested it and I felt pressured into agreeing. Frankly it's become a burden"

[Meow18]

We haven't heard his side because he won't talk to her! It would be one thing if he just told her what was wrong, but he won't and that seriously just shows that he just doesn't care about her.

 

I can understand not talking to your boyfriend for a day, I mean some people do get so busy and stressed and their mind just can't get off of work, but there's no excuse for 5 days in a row! At that point you aren't worried about why him calling, you are worried that he's dead or hurt.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but when I'm in love (like now..) I can't get the other person off of my mind no matter what. There are times when I get too busy with homework or something to be able to call him, but I always just leave him a short message telling him that I love him and am thinking about him. It literally takes 2 seconds.

 

Obviously something is wrong with him though because he told you he's going to email you with the reasons, but the fact that he won't just call you and talk to you like an adult really shows no respect for you. Its pathetic. Emails only go one way, so its like you can't just stop on an issue and get both sides out. So it really should be the last option of how to communicate.

[RayKay]

But then why the heck is he NOT telling her that. And not returning ANY messages for five days! I too would think something happened, especially given in the past I was in a situation where something HAD happened.

 

He is still being disrespectful by completely ignoring her calls for FIVE days. Seriously, then what is the point in being in a relationship if you are never going to hear from your SO???? It is not like he is on Safari in Zimbabwe.

[Iceman26]

First of all, I dont know or care about this guy's side of the story. If the poster isnt giving the true facts, then they wont get an objective opinion and that is their own fault. I personally give my advice based on the person posting telling the truth of their situation.

 

Second of all, he gave up his right to a side of the story when he acts like a pouting child and refuses to communicate. I would find it hard to believe he is successful in business with such poor skills in communication, but if he is successful, then he must be in sales because of his skills in deceit and manipulation.

[DN]

Fif girl wrote: I don`t want to break up with him- I love this guy with all my heart and I don`t want to lose him.

 

People seem to be losing sight of what she wants. It may be true he's a jerk, immature and all the other negative things you folks have been saying. I don't disagree. But if the point is to help her save the relationship and get what she wants that isn't going to be achieved by telling her to dump him, ignore him etc.

 

If she wants to dump him then your advice is helpful. But she says she does not, in which case surely the advice should try to help her get what she wants.

[Iceman26]

Well if she wants to keep him thats easy, just keep tolerating the way he is treating her, because obviously he isn't willing or going to do it any other way for the time being. You cant communicate with someone who wont communicate with you.

 

I dont tell people what they want to hear, I tell them the truth.

[DN]

It's not a question of telling people what they want to hear, it's a question of listening to what they want and trying to help them achieve it. And she doesn't necessarily have to just do what he wants to save the relationship. It may be saved by compromise, by seeing the other persons point of view and waiting until tempers and negative feelings have cooled before making decisions that may be regretted later.

 

Truth is a relative thing; it usually lies somewhere between two opposing positions.

[Iceman26]

My advice is simply what it is; my advice. If I felt there was a way to resolve this issue, then I would most assuredly say so. I am no advocate of someone get treated like crap either, and feel the need to protest and urge caution on continuing a relationship with this person.

 

Perhaps you are right to a certain extent though, about giving her advice on getting what she wants, in which case I may stop posting here because I wouldn't want anyone to continue dating an a*****e like she has described him to be, thus I could not give any advice other then to break up with him and move on.

 

The beauty of advice is that you don't have to take it, but its there if you need it.

[Fif Angel]

Well, can I say emphatically that I appreciate getting as many different replies from as many people as possible.

 

The beauty of this site is that you can get an objective view, which I really need and am so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to help me.

 

I am not sure if I am deluding myself and not seeing my boyfriend for the man he is, or if I am not recognising his needs and being insecure.

 

I have honestly considered every perspective in every post and I would hate for someone to just tell me what I wanted to hear.

 

Yes I admit that I love this guy and want things to be the way they were, but I am on the inside in this relationship and I want to be able to be detatched and look at things objectively, and if it means the end, I guess it means the end. At this moment, I still don`t have a clue.

 

Please, I would hate anyone to think that they couldn`t post because it would not be what I wanted to hear- this is such a crucial time just and I`m still confused.

[Iceman26]

I know what you are going through, in regards to the lack of communication and the manipulation my ex girlfriend put me through. Check out my old post back from October, I hope it will help.

 

link removed

[annie24]

I think one of the best ways of getting someone back is to totally back off and walk away. When you stand up for yourself and say, "I will not tolerate this type of treatment - I'm going to find someone who is going to love me the way I deserve to be loved," sometimes, the other person realizes that they miss you and they come back to you! It may not happen right away, but the thing is, sometimes you need to let someone miss you. If you are calling a dozen times in 5 days, he doesn't have the opportunity to miss hearing from you. Instead, as someone else said, it becomes a burden to answer their calls.

[Iceman26]

I agree with Annie, that is a great way.