6 Year Relationship + Engagement + Breakup + Ex with new guy = ??

[Clanis]

A brief history...

 

Late 2008

- Met in college. She found herself attracted to me. Called things off with her current 4 year relationship with high-school sweetheart to be with me.

- We moved fairly quickly. Fooled around before becoming a couple. Officially started dating a month after her breakup.

- She came with baggage. Daddy issues, and her mother was a narcissist. Her father left when she was 7. Her mother wasn't a good role model.

- We fell in love hard, and were together all the time. We ended up being together more than being with friends.

- She moved into my dorm room.

 

2009

- She would gossip about our relationship to her mother. Her mother took certain things from what she said and blew them up. She called me a monster, etc. She would even call my parents and harass them with how terrible I was as a person and to my GF.

- on our 6 month anniversary, she felt off. We were watching a movie in my dorm room when she went to the restroom, but never returned. Instead, her Mom came up and said that Liz was leaving and grabbed most of her things. I followed her down to the car where my GF sat in tears. Her mom got in and drove off.

- The next day I get in contact with my GF and try to figure out what happened. It ended up being her mom putting a lot of influence over her and she even talked of quitting school too. I convinved her to come back and stay in school, and we patched things up, etc.

- Next month we took a wonderful trip to Disneyworld. Her first time and it was amazing.

- I helped her get back in contact with her father who she had not spoken to for a number of years. Her mother was obviously upset and had a lot of bad things to say.

- During the summers off of school she would stay with my family and I, since she was distancing herself from her mother. She became family.

- Her mother hated everyone she ever dated, and when she broke up with her ex, her mom became best buds and would talk trash about her.

 

2010

- A really good year of trips, and adventures.

- Became a good part of my friends group.

- Became more involved with my extended family.

 

2011

- Sometimes she would have doubts about the relationship. I could be stubborn. Sometimes, I would think my life was going no where, what am I doing with my life, etc. We both supported each other in times of distraught. She felt sometimes, it was too much to bare and that I caused drama.

- She wanted to break up, but we made up. I guess you could say we tended to have an on and off tendency, but we grew stronger each time.

 

2012

- We both graduated from college and went back to live with my parents for awhile to get situated.

- She started flirting with one of my very close friends. I noticed and asked her to stop and that we wouldn't be hanging around him all the time.

- One night, after we had gotten home, said friend and her were watching a movie. I was too tired to stay up any longer so I went to bed.

- Two days later I found out by a little snooping, unintentionally that she had kissed said friend. I was very upset and went NC on the friend and rid him off. My GF was very sorry and used the excuse, "I just wanted to feel something." I understood that to a degree. We had been together for awhile. Yet, I would not forgive her for quite some time and she did everything to make it up to me.

- A couple months later she went to Disneyworld for the college program and worked there as a cast member for 5 months. We did long distance and it went well.

 

2013

- We started job searching. I got an internship, she started working as well. Real life started to set in.

- I believe this is where we started to become very comfortable since our day to day became work, home, sleep, etc.

- She wanted to move out from my parents house. We couldn't afford it with what we were making, and said I wanted to save up since she was planning on going to grad school.

- She wanted to leave me in Dec of that year because she wanted to move out, and I didn't want to for financial reasons. We made up.

 

2014

- While I had stayed in the same job since the internship the year prior, she kept switching jobs. She eventually landed a part time job and seemed happy there. We didn't make a lot, and she couldn't save much so I saved what I could.

- We still lived with my parents. She wanted to move out but understood our situation more.

- I started planning the proposal for that September at Disneyworld.

- I proposed in September after a week long trip to New York City, and DisneyWorld. she said yes, and we were both very excited.

- She started grad school at the end of September after our trip.

- We didn't really go extensively in planning the wedding. I wanted to pay back our trip, etc. We were using a temporary ring in the mean time.

- By November she started to become depressed. She wouldn't exactly explain what, but said she wanted to move out and was upset that we hadn't. We both agreed that we would move by January.

- She had started seeing a counselor who had diagnosed me as having borderline personality disorder. Without having even met me... My GF brought this up to me and I told her I did not have it. She went as far to say that I was just like her mother...

- December hit and we got into an argument about moving out, money, etc. She said she was going crazy, and I was being stubborn about the whole thing. Behind my back, she was plotting to leave during the day while I was at work and leave me a note.

- I confronted her about why she was being less affectionate, and she said she loved me, but wasn't in love. We had long discussions, and even talked with my parents. This led her to have a panic attack, in which she said she had been complaining to her classmates and people about our relationship and that it was a lie, and that I had always been the one.

- We made it through the holidays, and things started to get better. We were seeing a counselor together and were working on our communication.

 

2015

- After New Years we went and and a very nice condo we could rent and we put in the application the day my sister went to have lunch with her.

- She had lunch with my sister and they talked about how she was depressed. My sister asked her if she loved me. My GF said, no. It had been on and off for awhile. It was then my GF tried to give the ring back to my sister, but my sister refused, saying, you can give it back to him yourself.

- It was right after this lunch that my GF contacted me asking if I had sent my sister there to confront her about if she loved me. I said no. She went silent and wouldn't answer my calls. All the while, she was contacting her father, who lived in Texas, and soon, he was booking a flight up here to help her retrieve her stuff from my parents place.

- She finally answered my call that next morning. We chatted and she asked why does it take something like this to happen before I decide to take action. I couldn't answer. We talked about jobs, moving to the condo together and she agreed to it. She felt she just needed some space, and I agreed. We had gotten into a rut.

- Later that day, her mind had changed once her father showed up and she stopped contacting me again. All she would say is that it was over and she would be there to pick up her things the next day.

- That night my family and I packed up all her stuff, and the next day her father and her came by and grabbed it. She said it wasn't you it was her, and the both left.

- She then removed me from Facebook, Twitter, and all other social media outlets. She went NC.

- We had one last e-mail exchange a week later. She kept the door open ajar, by saying "We are broken up, and I don't see us getting back together, at least anytime soon."

- I, acting very emotionally, tried to contact her a couple of times that just pushed her further away. So I finally stopped once I got under control.

- After the breakup, I became very depressed.

- She became very promiscuous and flirted with her classmates, etc. started drinking more and smoking pot a lot.

- She was told that I was a "controller" in our relationship, and that she is now lost and looking for that new "controller". She was told to run away from any guy she found attractive, because they would not be good for her. Instead, she falls right back into the thick of things. She's running away from her problems, instead of working on them if that makes sense.

- A month later, I find out she is attracted and seeing a guy from her class. It saddens me greatly and I don't know what to do. Even still, I find out that she is so infatuated that she thinks this guy is the "one" and if asked if she wanted to marry him, she said yes...

 

GF:

- Daddy issues

- Abandonment issues

- May be bipolar.

- Likes male attention since she never received any from her father. (She knows this, but still can't help herself sometimes)

- Mother is depressive, and bipolar. She hasn't talked to her in over 3 years.

 

So there is my story in a very brief nutshell. I never got any real closure, and now she is with a new man barely 2 months after our breakup, and they are keeping their relationship on the down low. Is this a rebound, or something else? We had six years of history, really good, and sometimes troubled history. I still love her, and I do not know how to properly go about getting her back in the future, or even as a friend. The ball is in her court. I have been moving forward with my life in the best way I can. I'm getting out more, focusing on work, but she is still there in the back of my mind. And I sometimes wonder what I could have done differently, because I know there were some shortcomings on my part, and on hers...

 

I know most of you will say you dodged a bullet, yet I still love her even with all of her issues and problems.

 

I can answer any further questions about our relationship since I didn't cover everything, just a lot of the bad.

[Andrina]

Since you know what's going on in her life, you must be keeping in contact with her. That needs to stop so you can have closure. You care about her but she cannot be a good partner to you. Her ethics are what they are. She has been unfaithful, and those are her ethics. Once you get distance from the relationship, you will see that she is not "the one," and it doesn't do any good to put the past under a microscope and figure out what you both did wrong. You can, of course, learn from from your own mistakes and will be a better partner in the future for another woman. You cannot be friends with her because that won't be any good for your future relationship with another woman. Be alone at least a year to mourn the relationship. Make a must haves and deal breakers list before you embark on any new relationship. We all survive breakups, and really appreciate who we finally end up with, if it's a person with good ethics, with no drama, and has the capability of being faithful. Take care.

[chickadeedee]

To me this looks like a young girl who tried to leave you many time but is afraid of being alone so she bounces back and forth and in and out of relationships. She is clearly not ready to settle down, and probably feels she committed to you too soon and too young.

 

She needs to get out there and date different guys and experiment with who she is... It is sad to say, but she is just not interested enough in you, or stable enough at this point in her life, to settle down with you. It is hard to leave your college sweetheart because there are so many memories involved, but she appears to be moving on to someone else at this point, which is your key that you need to work on letting go. she just was committed enough to you to go the distance, and too young to settle down.

[sky09]

GF:

- Daddy issues

- Abandonment issues

- May be bipolar.

- Likes male attention since she never received any from her father. (She knows this, but still can't help herself sometimes)

- Mother is depressive, and bipolar. She hasn't talked to her in over 3 years.

 

Where does that leave, you though? What made/makes you want to be with her? Time for some self-reflection. Not to make any diagnosis, but check up on what codependency means.

[Clinton]

Trying to diagnose our exes with various psychological issues is a pointless endeavor. We all like to demonize our exes but Ninety nine times out of a hundred, they left because you just weren't a match and they've fallen out of love with you.

 

Accept it, move on and heal.

[HeartGoesOn]

Despite your list of issues with her, it would be in your best interest to pay close attention to her past issue, (below).

 

Met in college. She found herself attracted to me. Called things off with her current 4 year relationship with high-school sweetheart to be with me.

 

I'm sorry you're in this position, but history does tend to repeat itself. I hope you find your way...

[bulletproof]

Where does that leave, you though? What made/makes you want to be with her? Time for some self-reflection. Not to make any diagnosis, but check up on what codependency means.

 

Absolutely agree. You have quite a list of what's wrong with her, including diagnoses you have no authority to make. Think about what you did, what you can do better in the future, and move on.

[itsallgrand]

Just because you 'accept' someone's issues and still want them even with those issues, doesn't mean those issues aren't going to play out again and have consequences that impact you.

 

You knew all this going in. She left someone to be with you and rushed in to your dorm room. She is simply doing what she always did. It's just that now you are at the other end of the stick.

 

Going by her history, I think it's safe to say she won't be coming back to you. She's going to keep plowing through men til she is either forced to stop or finds her own reasons to stop it.

[Ms Darcy]

Despite your list of issues with her, it would be in your best interest to pay close attention to her past issue, (below).

 

I'm sorry you're in this position, but history does tend to repeat itself. I hope you find your way...

 

This. Sometimes they leave you the way you got them.

 

Honestly, she's been trying to leave you for years. The rebound just gave her the impetus to make it more permanent.