I moved to his country for him 2.5 years ago&he still doesn't want to marry me

[irinaaa]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here and I'm kinda struggling with the decision of what to do. Let me explain.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years, our third anniversary is in less than two months. He's 31, I'm 27. We met while I was studying in another country than my own, which also wasn't his country. He was there for business and were introduced by a mutual friend. We started dating and after just a couple of months of long distance relationship (we saw each other every two weeks though) he asked me if I want to move to his country and live with him. Everything seemed so right- I wasn't really excited anyway to go back to my own country (but without him I certainly wouldn't have gone to his either) and I didn't have any promising job opportunities anywhere at that time, and my studies were about to end. So I thought, why not risk it? I agreed and just a bit later, after I finished my studies, I moved to his country and we moved in together.

 

Everything has been fine since then, we're just a normal couple that's still very much in love and has its ups and downs. But now we're getting to the point- Even though we have been together for almost three years, he still hasn't proposed to me. The first time I brought up getting married was around a year into our relationship. It was a very short talk and he just agreed that he wants to get married some day. Then nothing, til I brought it up again last August (2.5 years of relationship). He said the same again, basically added that he's not a guy who's crazy about getting married and a crazy expensive wedding day, but that he wants to marry me. I said I'm also not a girl who needs an expensive wedding because I rather spend the money on traveling or buying a house or so. I asked him about a timeline, asked him when he sees us getting married. He said he doesn't know. I dropped the topic. By the way, he asked me to buy a house with him and I told him that I don't want that unless we're married. He said okay.

 

Two months later, this past October, he came home from work and said we should sign a 'free union agreement', which in our country is basically a piece of paper from the courthouse which is almost the same as getting married. It's not marriage though and gives you less rights. He suggested it because he wanted me to have his company benefits (he works for an airline, so I would get free tickets to anywhere in the world, which would be great because I could visit my family much more frequently) and his insurance. I told him that I don't want that because I want to be married, but I was open to call the courthouse with him to get some info (he suggested it). So he called them and they basically told him that they recommend to get married instead of that 'free union' because it gives you much more rights. He then said 'Ok, then let's just get married'. NOTE: I'm not a girl who needs a super romantic proposal but the idea of just going to the courthouse and sign some papers really made me sick. I told him I want to do something special for that day, that I would like to buy rings together and maybe elope on an island or so. And that I want a white dress and him dressing up a bit too. I made clear many times that I don't want to plan much and not spend much money at all. Since we'd get free airline tickets we would even save on that. He first said 'Okay', but I could instantly see that he didn't really like the idea.

 

I brought up our plans a couple of times in the weeks after that, but he never seemed very interested, just said 'Okay' to everything without ever agreeing to a day to look at rings or anything. He seemed extremely uninterested in the topic. Finally I had enough and confronted him- He said it's too much pressure now and he doesn't feel like planning a wedding now. I told him 'There's barely any planning, we just buy rings together and go to an island for the weekend where the courthouse can marry us at the beach or so'. He didn't agree, said we're forcing things too much right now and that there is no rush and that he doesn't want any rush. I asked him for a timeline. He said he cannot give me one and added 'For you it has to happen this year, hm?'. I said it doesn't have to happen this year, but it would be nice to know where he stands and when I can expect him to be ready to go look at rings. He said he doesn't know but it's gonna come sooner or later.

 

I have to add here that I'm in his country only for HIM. It's even a different county from where I grew up, where my family is and where I studied. Although I love living here now, it was a big sacrifice and it wasn't easy in the beginning, but I always knew I wanted to do it to be with him. And now I'm thinking 'I did this for him and he cannot even tell me when we're gonna get married after three years together?'. Also, my family lives more than 10 hours flight from here, so I visit them max. twice a year. I would love to visit more often and I could, if I just had the free flight tickets that I would get if we got married. Of course I don't want him to marry me just for that, but I can't help to wonder 'He knows that I miss my family and would love to spend a bit more time with them and he could change that easily and he doesn't want to?'. Also, I always get the visa here for just one year, so I have to renew it every year, which is a quite expensive and annoying process (prepare the documents they need and hours and hours of waiting at the embassy). Being married to him would make the thing much easier, I would get a visa for five years with the option of indefinite extension. I asked him if I have to be prepared to renew my visa again this year and he said he doesn't know yet, there's still time til then (my visa expires in 4-5 months).

 

Well, after that conversation I dropped the topic completely and didn't bring it up anymore at all. I didn't want to nag him and hoped that would help to clear his mind and take away the pressure. I haven't brought up the topic for four months now. And nothing. No proposal, not even one single conversation about it. I don't really know what to do. I don't mind to wait til summer 2016 or so to get married (which would mean we'd be together for 4 years), but I want an engagement at least, I want to be sure he wants to marry me and I want to tell friends and family. I want an (inexpensive) ring on my finger. I want to call him my fiancé. I don't see how bringing up the topic again would help because if he really thought about a proposal or getting married he probably would have mentioned it, which he didn't. I'm scared of another 'Yes it will happen but I cannot tell you when' conversation. If he could at least tell me that he's looking at rings or we can look at rings together and get engaged by the end of the year or so, but nothing. I start resenting him for that, after leaving behind everything to be with him.

 

Besides that, he's a really great boyfriend. He cares about me, we laugh and spend a lot of time together, he takes care of me when I'm sick and I'm very close to his family. I don't get why he still wants to wait, I think we've been together long enough, especially regarding our age. By the way, we're financially also stable, so it's not that.

 

 

 

A few close friends have told me I should give him til spring and then just walk away. Others have said that we're still so young and it doesn't matter if we get married now or in 3, 4 years. What do you guys think? What would you do?

 

Thank you!

[annie24]

Welcome to ENA.

 

Well, I'm a single, 34 year old woman, so take my advice for what it's worth. How long are you willing to stick around without an answer? I personally think you've been more than patient, particularly given that this is not your home country, and he is the only thing holding you there. If you guys break up, do you have some other plans or things you would want to do, or other countries to go to? I mean, you're young, but you're not THAT young. If he doesn't have serious intentions of marrying you, then it's stupid to waste your youth when you could be meeting more serious men.

 

I get it, you don't want to twist his arm into marriage, but he hasn't given you a concrete reason why he is waiting. Maybe it would be good to start thinking about your other options and plans.

[itsallgrand]

You probably won't like what I have to say but I think if marriage was important to you as it clearly is, you should have made that very clear a long time ago. Not moved countries and hoping marriage would come of it. Not letting it go years without several serious discussions about where you are both at. Not living together but hoping for marriage to lead from that.

 

Moving countries to be with him - he has no obligation to marry you because you chose that.

Moving in with him - he has no obligation to marry you because you chose that.

Being together X amount of years - he has no obligation to marry you because you chose that.

 

It's clear as day he sees this differently than you (and more like I do). Moving along the relationship continuum is no guarantee nor even an expression of desire for marriage. What is someone clearly stating they want marriage and then taking the actions that lead to marriage - the discussions, proposal, engagement, planning the wedding, planning what happens after the wedding.

 

Sorry, I am not trying to make you feel bad. I really am not. I just don't understand the mentality of "I'll go along for the ride and silently assume and hope we do end up getting married, if not, I'm gonna resent the hell out of you for not proposing to me and making it happen!".

 

It is clear he is not interested in marrying you and does not place the importance on the same as you do. What you do with that knowledge now is up to you.

[FreedomRing]

OP -

 

I'm assuming you changed your screen name hoping for different advice than what you received here: ?

[agent1607307371]

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