burningred Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I just dont understand how the dumpers never really care about the dumpee. I tried to reach out to him for help and he just told me he is busy. Why are they so mean to the dumpee when they were the ones who did them wrong. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 When someone decides to leave a relationship, whatever the reason, you really can't expect them to be at your beck and call any longer. Link to comment
Cadence44 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 It's not about caring. It's about setting limits on the person that you broke up with when they reach out for emotional support or practical help as if the relationship still existed. By breaking up, he told you he doesn't want to be in that role any longer. Of course he's going to be cool and shut you out when you try to reach out like that, because it's inappropriate for you to view him as your partner any longer. I tried to reach out to him for help and he just told me he is busy. Why are they so mean to the dumpee when they were the ones who did them wrong. "Did them wrong". This tells me that you view him as doing something wrong to you by deciding the relationship wasn't suiting his life any longer. You are firmly in the victim role, which means when you innocently reach out to him you are likely trying to guilt trip him into helping you. Let go of the notion of yourself as the victim, and understand that, per the breakup, there are new boundaries in place. That will save you a great deal of confusion when you don't get the reaction you expect from him. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Why is he obligated to help you? He dumped you and has moved on. Having these kind of conversations with him only delays your healing and reinforces the idea to him that he made the right decision. You are doing yourself a disservice and then calling him mean. Stop contacting him. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 They do care. . and not responding is probably the kindest thing he could do. You reached out for help but he can't help you through this. You two are now broken up and he is no longer your support system.. He is trying to sever the tie and not drag it out. and Ill bet being around you is difficult for him as well. I know it hurts but that's how break ups work. Link to comment
burningred Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 It wasnt my intention to guilt trip him or what, i just needed the help which isnt about the relationship anyway. But i understand what you are trying to say that he cant be the same person to me now like we were still in the relationship. I just wonder how can they be so indifferent like i did him wrong or what. He is probably with the girl he cheated me with or some other girl. Gosh, i had been doing well with nc then i break it. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 It doesn't matter what the help is for. You shouldn't look to him for any type of support. Link to comment
burningred Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 I know, i feel terrible now. I have been doing very well for the past few months. I always fell into this cycle of trying to get help from him when i feel so down or when i got no one else to turn to. It sucks being left. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 If he's a cheat, why would you want anything to do with him? He's not your boyfriend, he's not your friend. Set good boundaries for yourself, stop setting yourself up for pain. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I just dont understand how the dumpers never really care about the dumpee. I tried to reach out to him for help and he just told me he is busy. Why are they so mean to the dumpee when they were the ones who did them wrong. It doesn't mean they don't care ... not always anyway. Most of the time they are making the choices that they think best suits the situation. It seems from your previous thread that you made several attempts at reaching out to him and at one point you pushed him to tell you how he felt so that you wouldn't have reason to bother him again. He is done with the relationship and he is ready to move on. He wants you to do the same. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Did he actually cheat? I know he met up with a girl he used to have a crush on but it seems he ended things with you after that. I know that sucks but he made the right decision in ending things with you and not stringing you along. Is he with this girl now? I know, i feel terrible now. I have been doing very well for the past few months. I always fell into this cycle of trying to get help from him when i feel so down or when i got no one else to turn to. It sucks being left. And he knows this which is why he is trying to stay disconnected from you instead of getting involved in any way with you again. He knows that will just reopen up healing wounds as well as put him in an awkward position. You don't really want his help. You are just looking for an excuse to see him. He knows this. He is right to say "no" ... for your sake as well as his own. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I know it's hard ... but you have to accept that when someone leaves anothers life , they have left because they just don't want to share their journey anymore ..They don't wish any harm or malice ..they want to be free of that person ....It is heartbreaking , but it is how it is . Whenever I have left a relationship I can honestly say I did it because I don't want to see them , I don't want to talk to them or share anything with them , I don't want to help them ( well obviously there are different scenario's where I would help people as a human being) I basically want to carry on my life without them in it . Link to comment
cbh1979 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I agree with the op...I don't really understand it either. I hear what others have said about why, but it can still be striking how quickly the dumper can turn everything off, as if flipping a switch. When I have been the dumper, I've tried to avoid that, because I'm not sure it's helpful to the healing process. Yes, you don't want to lead the dumpee on with false hope, but you also don't have to be cold towards them either. There's a middle ground, I think. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I agree with the op...I don't really understand it either. I hear what others have said about why, but it can still be striking how quickly the dumper can turn everything off, as if flipping a switch. When I have been the dumper, I've tried to avoid that, because I'm not sure it's helpful to the healing process. Yes, you don't want to lead the dumpee on with false hope, but you also don't have to be cold towards them either. There's a middle ground, I think. Yes but there is only so much middle ground you can tread. You can't be held to ransom because you dumped someone and forever owe it to them to make up for it. The dumper has a right to move on completely at some point too. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 It isn't that they never cared, they just often times mentally have checked out of the relationship long before they pull the plug. So to him, mentally, he left long before he dumped you and now you're just another person asking him for help when he has other things. And if he cheated on you then there's your answer--he's all about immediate gratification for himself and of course no one else matters to him as much as himself. He'd be the same way with any other friend or nonfriend asking for help--he'd only give it if there were something in it for him. I say that because you sort of hint or state he was a cheater and they are notoriously selfish anyways if they're a chronic cheater. You need to get into a headspace where you simply do not rely on him for anything, because he simply isn't a reliable person. No matter what or who you two once were to each other. Link to comment
burningred Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Cbh1979 thanks for understanding. I get what everyone else is saying but i just wonder how it could be so easy for him to discard me after all he loved me and i made him happy at some point in his life. This is another human being needing help, i didnt reach out as though we were still in a relationship. Im hurt and i still couldnt understand why but maybe i will at some point. I have loved some other people, and as i have moved on, i was never mean or disrepectful to them. Wow, and its been 9 months since he broke up with me and im still rambling. Link to comment
burningred Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Thanks paulette. Yes he is a cheater and most probably he's now with that girl he cheated me with or some random girl he recently met or so i've heard. And he's showing me who he really is as a person. He was kind to me and he gave me the world because he needed me as a gf at that point. And now he's with someone new, he dropped me and cant even treat me right as another human being who needed help. He wins and i lose. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Burningred - you've been broken up for 9 months. He's moved on with his life. You need to work on building your support networks up so you don't do this. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 And now he's with someone new, he dropped me and cant even treat me right as another human being who needed help. He wins and i lose. If he is now seeing someone else you can't expect him to be at your beck and call. He's moved on, now you must too. Besides, you didn't really need his help, you just needed a reason to reach out to him. Let him get on with his life and you focus on yours. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 If he is now seeing someone else you can't expect him to be at your beck and call. He's moved on, now you must too. Besides, you didn't really need his help, you just needed a reason to reach out to him. Let him get on with his life and you focus on yours. I agree. You didn't need his help. You wanted someone's help and used it as a reason to reach out to him. I do think after 9 months it is time for you to stop trying to reach out to him and find others to be your support system. Link to comment
Lucha Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I know it's hard ... but you have to accept that when someone leaves anothers life , they have left because they just don't want to share their journey anymore ..They don't wish any harm or malice ..they want to be free of that person ....It is heartbreaking , but it is how it is . Whenever I have left a relationship I can honestly say I did it because I don't want to see them , I don't want to talk to them or share anything with them , I don't want to help them ( well obviously there are different scenario's where I would help people as a human being) I basically want to carry on my life without them in it . This is what I perceive to be a normal breakup. So in the case of the OP, the dumper not responding is actually a good thing - you have clarity and boundaries. Sometimes there are dumpers that 'want to stay friends'.. And I am not talking about the ones who say it out of guilt but don't mean it. I have an ex that actively pursued friendship for several months after the breakup. I reaaaaally can't grasp this. Isnt breaking up about NOT wanting to share your life anymore - like shooting star said? Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 It is lucha and although it's hard pill to swallow we all go through it .. try and see this as a good strengthening tool op .. you know life can throw some crap at you and sometimes you can feel like your the only person on earth left ..no one to help , no one to call , no one to make it better or share it with you ... and the quicker you can learn to just deal with stuff on your own the easier life will be . I hope whatever the situation is , you are ok ... we all care how you feel darling xx Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I have an ex that actively pursued friendship for several months after the breakup. I reaaaaally can't grasp this. Isnt breaking up about NOT wanting to share your life anymore - like shooting star said. Sometimes, even though an ex no longer wants to be romantically linked to you, they still want to enjoy certain aspects if the relationship ... companionship, security and sex a lot of the time too. They want to hang on to these things until someone else comes into their lives offering them some or all of these things. They are easing themselves SLOWLY out of our lives at a pace that suits them. They basically hang on until such a point they are ready to swim alone (or towards someone else). That being said I'm sure there are some genuine friendships between ex's but the vast majority of the time there is hidden agenda (on both sides), even if that person doesn't realise that themselves. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Why would you ask help from someone who cheated on you????! Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 >>Wow, and its been 9 months since he broke up with me and im still rambling. I think if it has been 9 months you might consider counseling to help you get over being stuck. You are still framing him as being your partner in your head because you didn't want the break up, and as if he somehow owes it to you be support you or be there for you, when the reality is that once he broke up with you, he isn't your partner anymore. So you need to adjust your frame of reference to being a single person who is well able to take care of herself if she works at it. You don't 'need' him you want him... those are two different things. And it is a disservice to yourself to continue wanting someone who doesn't want you anymore. That is like knocking on the door of a house where you made an offer to buy, where the buyers reject your offer and sold to someone else. You may REALLY want that house, but it's not up for sale. So a lot of what you are interpreting as 'not caring' is all about him letting you know he is not up for sale as your partner anymore. He's got another partner, and just won't be making himself available to you anymore. Most people can and do stop talking to their exes entirely and don't contact them anymore after an initial period of separation. And 9 months is a long time, so at this point it is time to go total no contact with him, and close the door on that relationship as surely as you have to walk away from a house where the owners rejected your offer and sold to someone else. You can sit on the curb crying and telling yourself that is 'your' house, but frankly if your offer is rejected it just isn't, and it is a self inflicted wound continuing to torture yourself with the idea that the house SHOULD be yours. Life is about change, and sometimes we get what we want, and sometimes we don't. So he made a choice that wasn't you, and you need to now adapt to that choice and stop contacting him because he isn't yours anymore. So sit down and have a good cry about how things changed, and he changed, and he is no longer your partner so just isn't available to you anymore. Then dust yourself off, get up, and stop indulging in thinking about him as your special guy, or how he owes you something, or how he is mean or anything about him at all. He is no longer relevant to you anymore, in the same way a house that got sold to someone else is no logner relevant to you anymore. That's a huge disappiontment, but that is just the way it is, and you need to adjust to that reality and stop letting the ghosts of him dwell in your head. Becasue that is about the past, and not your present and future. You need to really engage in your present and future rather than hugging and clutching onto the past. He is your past, not your present and future. So get out, do new things, get a good job, get an education if you don't have one, get new hobbies and joing groups to meet people, anything that engages you in your present and future rather than looking back. you will continue to feel lost and miserable if you look back rather than forward. And you need a mantra that says, 'I am just fine with me and will survive without him and will find someone new who loves me.' Focus on that, not on him. And get counseling if you absolutely cannot let go of him and the past. Link to comment
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