Sick wife blaming me?

[auxnbus]

My wife has a blood disorder that requires steroid treatment and chemo-therapy - it got better after her first round of chemo several years ago, and then about 5 months after giving birth to our daughter in October she started to show symptoms again and has progressively gotten worse since.

She has, up until this week, refused to go to the doctor. I have encouraged her to get treatment since she started showing symptoms again, however she always had some excuse as to why she wouldn't go. Excuses she gave me ranged from "I don't want to spend the money" to "I can't take time off work" to "I don't want to be on steroids again". Each time I assured her to either not worry about the finances, or that everything would be fine at work, or that being on steroids is better than being at risk of death. Still, she would not go.

Finally this week I was talking to my mother and she told me that my wife had said to her that I did not want her to go to the doctor. I was baffled. Come to find out she has been telling family members and friends that I was the one keeping her from getting treatment. I confronted my wife and asked her why she would tell everyone that - and that I hoped she didn't think I actually felt that way. She responded that she 'knew' I didn't want her to go because I didn't want to spend the money.

I honestly don't know where she got this idea, and I am feeling confused, hurt, and angry. I'm extremely concerned that I have been vilified wrongly, and friends and family see me as some sort of terrible person. I don't understand why she would put this burden on me when I have been nothing but supportive. I need some guidance, as at this point I feel like I need to do some damage control and, more importantly, figure out why my wife would create such a story. I realize that right now I need to just be supportive as she undergoes chemo, but eventually I think the issue needs to be addressed. Any guidance is appreciated.

[mhowe]

You sit down and talk with her. Explain that:

 

She needs treatment.

The cost is not important and you will handle it.

You are alarmed that she would tell others YOU are the one stopping her....and ask why she did it.

 

Then, you have her call the dr. and get an appointment, and if you have to take a day off from work to ensure she goes, you do.

 

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT NEEDS A MOTHER.

[WithLove]

Yikes. This is, like, one of those situations you never want to come accross.

 

What reasons did she have to thinking you didn't want her to undergo treatment due to financial reasons?

[auxnbus]

Yikes. This is, like, one of those situations you never want to come accross.

 

What reasons did she have to thinking you didn't want her to undergo treatment due to financial reasons?

 

That's what confuses me. I have said multiple times that money was not an issue and all I wanted was for her to get better. We are quite well-off, so finances are not an issue.

 

She constantly worries about finances though, because her parents were/are not well off financially and she grew up wondering if the lights would be on from day to day. She also feels a lot of guilt because her parents continue to struggle living paycheck to paycheck, while we live comfortably. I feel like she is projecting this onto me when she talks with other, but I can't figure out why.

[WithLove]

I can honestly tell you that I don't think anyone here is capable of handling your wife's troubles. My only advice is to echo what Mhowe said and ask her point blank why she's blaming you for her lack of healing attempts. It sounds like she has a ton of past issues that she has been avoiding, too, and I can only suggest her getting some personal help from a therapist.

 

I'd also like to add that being in complete disagreement (and the fact that she's lying about this to your family) makes me wonder what other things she has been dishonest about. This is a pretty huge thing to lie about.

[Seraphim]

Yup, you call her dr yourself and explain she is exhibiting symptoms and is being resistant to making the call herself.

[relevart]

She's afraid. She doesn't want to go to the doctor. Maybe she thinks she's dying. Maybe the chemo was hell on her. Maybe it really is the steroids. But she's dead set against going to the doctor and has decided to use you as the reason. I don't think she really thinks you don't want her to go to the doctor.

 

I think it's time for an intervention where you get together with those closest to her and gently tell her in no uncertain terms that it's time to go to the doctor. You may need to get with them one on one first and let them know you want her to get help.

 

If this post is true, then it should be clear to all in time what she is really doing. It's got to be a scary time for her.

[DancingFool]

Unfortunately it sounds like your wife is suffering from some pretty deep psychological issues and needs professional help. This kind of lying is a symptom of deeper problems and I don't think you are going to resolve that with any kind of sit down conversation. It could be issues from her childhood, it could be the aftermath of the original chemo where she is so repulsed that she is taking an easy route of deflecting pressure to get treatment onto you preventing her so people leave her alone. Could be she has even convinced herself that it's true as a sort of psychological warped self defense. Anyway, this is way beyond any advice or solutions on the boards. You need serious professional help and so does she in getting through this.

 

Your first step might be making an appointment with a good psychiatrist, discussing the issues and then engaging their help to get the rest of the family to essentially confront her and get her to do what needs to be done. An intervention that will be lead by a professional where you are all coached and managed a bit so it works.

[pippy longstocking]

Is it that she just doesn't want the treatment ..can't go through it again ...her family are getting at her to get the treatment , you are getting at her ( quite rightly might I add ) and she felt backed into a corner and just came out with any excuse ...

 

I know this sounds extreme and I can only throwing out a guess just like everyone ..but she wouldn't be the first person to refuse round two of a treatment be it life threatening or not ..something is going on deep inside .

[pippy longstocking]

dancing fool I think we are on the same page here

[auxnbus]

I know that she really doesn't want to go through the treatment - it was not pleasant the first time. She has said to me multiple times that she would rather live with the symptoms then to be on steroids long term or go through another round of chemo.

I totally understand her hesitation, I do. I just wonder why she doesn't say that to anyone else - and instead puts it on me.

 

The good news is that after speaking with my mother last weekend we were able to convince her to go to the doctor and she is finally receiving the treatment she needed this week. So at this point thatis what is important - I don't want to bring any of this up to her right now because the treatment is hard enough on her - I certainly don't think she needs me bringing up this (comparatively) trivial issue I have right now.

 

So I have turned to the internet, if nothing else to vent. I appreciate everyone's thoughts

[pippy longstocking]

I know that she really doesn't want to go through the treatment - it was not pleasant the first time. She has said to me multiple times that she would rather live with the symptoms then to be on steroids long term or go through another round of chemo.

I totally understand her hesitation, I do. I just wonder why she doesn't say that to anyone else

 

because no one understands ...no one knows until they have walked a mile in her shoes .. they will go on at her , try and reason with her ..possibly make her feel guilty as hell ..oh there could be a million reasons . But I do think this is something deep rooted .

 

However I am so glad to read the end part she is having it ....

[DancingFool]

Glad to hear that she is actually getting treatment. However, when that is all done, I still think she would benefit from seeing a therapist or at the very least joining a support group for people who are going through the same thing as she is, so she also gets a chance to talk about it, to vent, to find out that she is not the only one feeling and thinking what she does. Same thing for you really, there are support groups for spouses and families as well with a wealth of information and overall help in terms of how to cope with all this. People who are either going through what you both are going through or have gone through it have so much offer in terms of support.