amelie1 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have been living together for nearly 7 months now. The first two years of us were absolute bliss, we communicated perfectly, had a great sex life, and were simply the best of friends and madly in love. About a year ago, in a drunken stupor, my boyfriend became aggressive and borderline abusive. No deliberate strikes, but more pushing me down, picking me back up by my hair, and berating me verbally. This seemed incredibly out of character for my mild-mannered sweetie. Then several more instances like that occurred, and he became increasingly more irritable and short-fused. His mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and he had been and continued to do poorly in school. In between, he always apologizes and assures me that he loves me and I am the most important person to him. Since then, it seems like everything (and anything) makes him angry and anything I try to do to help him or us is overbearing and annoying. When he gets in his aggressive mode, there is absolutely no reasoning with him or stopping him till he's done. Not shortly after the first incident, his libido all but disappeared…he acted annoyed often when I would suggest sex or buy new lingerie. He even complained to me that we have sex too much, which hurt me, but I understood, I have always had a high sex drive. I chalked up his lower libido to weed, depression, and lack of exercise. When we do have sex, his stamina is close to nothing and he seems very far away. I had to use his computer for a school project, and saw a website called Chaturbate in the recently visited tab, as well as extensive research on butt plugs. For someone who has pushed me away sexually, while still claiming to be extremely attracted to me (many consider me to be very attractive!) I was hurt to see that he sought out cam girls and had interests he wasn't sharing with me. I have always made it clear that I am open to anything and excited to explore any fantasies he may have. I confronted him, and he responded mostly in an annoyed manner, claiming that cam girls are just like normal porn (which I don't find to be much better anyway!!!) and I am overreacting. He says that he is interested in anal play on himself, and was too embarrassed to tell me…which seems odd since it looks like he was online shopping for the plugs- would he just keep it a secret? Is it for him and someone else? Why does he push me away sexually and tell me it's because he's "not as sexual of a person" and I "make my intentions too obvious"? I try so hard to be what he wants me to be in bed, so I've been letting him come to me. He has so many sexy photos and videos of me, and me who is ALWAYS ready and willing- and yet he seeks out these web cam girls??? He also defended the Chaturbate because of the problems we've been having (just not getting along, mostly due to his dark moods and my desperation to make things better), which sort of culminated around Christmas. He came to me and swore to change, and he did for a few weeks until it gradually went back to the same patterns. One particular time he was using Chaturbate, I was away at my sister's house, and we were exchanging very loving and romantic messages all day long…so is it really about the problems? I love him, I am just beginning to feel constantly beaten down and belittled and don't know how to help him anymore in his dark time. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 His problems are not solvable by you...drinking to stupor level, weed and depression. Unless he seeks therapy, which I would doubt, he will continue this downward spiral. This has nothing to do with you. Link to comment
Iggles Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Sounds like the bloom is off the rose.. He seems depressed and is agitated by your proximity. I think you should take some space and rethink this relationship. Your life is now. Stop excusing his bad behavior because the memories of how wonderful the early days were. Those days are gone, never to be seen again. Could you find happiness again? Perhaps, but he has to be an active participant in fixing your relationship and he's not. Instead, he is escaping into weed, alcohol, and p0rn chat.. Answer honestly, would you have chosen for a relationship the man he is today? Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 ^^^ what they said. And I will add, you'd be smart to destroy all those sexy photos and videos of you that he has, or you'll come to regret not doing so one day. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 This relationship is far from perfect now. I'm sorry this is happening. Lots of people's parents pass away. It does not give one an excuse to hit or online cheat. I'd be happier single, personally as good relationships don't have these issues. Link to comment
amelie1 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 No I would not begin a relationship with the man he is today. He is not himself and hasn't been for quite some time. He does not deny this, and is sad about the way things are…but doesn't seem to be taking any proactive steps in bettering any part of his life. I feel trapped because my school and work are all encompassed by our living situation…I'm sure that's making leaving a lot harder than it otherwise would be. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Of course it is hard. Everyone's lives get intertwined. Only people in long distance relationships can pull the plug in an easier way. Very good that you see that you would not start a relationship with him as he is now. I'd want to see some sort of uptick in the situation or I'd start to unravel. Could he have been hiding his true self all this time?? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 About a year ago, in a drunken stupor, my boyfriend became aggressive and borderline abusive. No deliberate strikes, but more pushing me down, picking me back up by my hair, and berating me verbally. This seemed incredibly out of character for my mild-mannered sweetie. Rather than focusing on his lack of sex drive, I would be far more concerned with him being physically abusive. This sounds like the beginning of a classic cycle of abuse, which will likely escalate. I would re-evaluate this "mild mannered sweetie." Link to comment
pandamonium211 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Put everything aside and look at the abuse. The odds are very slim that he will change. If you stay with him you will be the one who gets changed. Abuse will rob you of every ounce of dignity and self respect leaving a broken, empty shell in the end. Get away from this while you still can. I am telling you this from first hand experience. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 About a year ago, in a drunken stupor, my boyfriend became aggressive and borderline abusive. No deliberate strikes, but more pushing me down, picking me back up by my hair, and berating me verbally. This isn't 'borderline' abusive, it's abusive--and time to walk away. BF isn't going to get the help he needs if you're willing to stick around and tolerate what he's become. That's not 'loving' him, it's 'enabling' him to stay comfortable while he deteriorates. If you want change, make the change yourself. If BF is impacted enough to change himself, he'll do that. Otherwise, he's not BF material. Link to comment
TigerLilly00 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I'm speaking from experience here, if it's worth anything. My ex started the same way. For three plus years, he never laid a hand on me. And it started "innocently" enough. Hitting me with pillows, grabbing me by the wrists and throwing me on the bed. I kept pushing it away and ignoring it, because "it wasn't bad enough", "it wasn't really abuse". Eventually, he was leaving me with dark purple bruises that lasted three weeks, and hitting/grabbing so hard that I'd bleed. Once he got his hands on a gun (he liked going to the shooting ranges), I panicked. Of course telling him I didn't want the gun in the house didn't do jack - he kept it anyway. I consider myself lucky that I finally woke up when I did and left. If you look at the numbers, the percentage of women who have similar situations who end up killed by their partner is STAGGERING. I'm not making this up - look it up. It always starts innocently enough. I know this sounds harsh, but please - don't be dumb. Don't cling to the idea of what you thought this man was. The patterns of abuse are ALL there, don't ignore it - you'll only hurt yourself further. The moment he laid hands on you, as "little" as it might've been (and in my book, pulling you up by the hair is grounds for a night in jail at LEAST), you should've walked out the door and never looked back. Don't EVER let a man lay hands on you. They WON'T stop there. Link to comment
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