Am I too controlling?

[bodenseeguy]

Long post ahead guys

 

 

Short:

I don't want my long distance girlfriend to have any relations with a guy that she got physically involved with several times, while she admitted to have been in love with me. Discovering this hurt me deeply. I then express that she must minimize the frequency of meeting this guy. Is this too much? She says I should get an opinion poll. I am going to show her this post, which means I am going to be as objective as possible here.

 

I've known of a girl for 18 years now. But I never really got to know her. NOW I am in a relationship with her officially for 4 months. I had been head over heels in love with her since i met her 1.5 years ago.

 

 

2013

 

This is long distance. We don't have an official relationship. We start talking in August over the internet. She was in Europe, I in India. Texts and calls. I was totally in love with her. I fell in love with her the more we talked. Time zones separated by 4hours. I give up a lot of sleep and health and change my lifestyle in order to just talk to her. We met for 4 weeks in December and it got really intense for both of us. In fact, I had even cancelled a juicy project professionally. It would be worth it, I thought. I had done a lot for the two of us to happen.

 

 

2014

 

I was totally in love with her. For the next 10 months, we talked every single day - either on chat, email or calls. We would exchange sweet nothings and deep secrets. We exchanged I love yous and kisses. All the time. She said she was in love with me. It took a lot of pursuing from my end. I had to make her see that what we shared was beautiful, and that it was only a matter of time before we fixed the distance. That the feeling was special and rare. I had really really worked hard for us to happen. She more than acknowledges this fact.

 

She had a friend that she said was very dear to her. He was a colleague. They met every day - at work and outside of work as well. They went out to movies, drink and dine together. They went on trips. They planned trips - just the two of them. They shared rooms. She adored him completely. He featured in our conversations more often than not. She was kind of her best friend.

 

I had applied to a university in Europe so that we could finally be closer. I get the admission. I'm super excited that I get to be in the same continent as she, finally. As is she.

 

A month before I was supposed to land in Europe, in a conversation about our "pasts" she tells me that there was something that had happened in the last few months. She wouldn't tell me anything more. She refuses to budge. At this point, I should tell you that I have anger issues. The one thing that really riles me is jealousy. And of course, I was jealous and losing my here. I was trying to ask who it was with. I was guessing names. She was not willing to give me any details, and also mocked me and laughed at me. All of this was over the phone. In a fit of rage, I punched the wall and broke my hand. At this point, she is shocked, she sees how much this affected me and decided to tell me. She said that she was half the reason for me to punch the wall. Now she gives me some details. She said that she made out with someone some time a few months ago. And that it had happened not once, but twice. She wouldn't tell me who it was. She wouldn't give me any more details. I decide to stop here. I had never reacted so extremely. I had broken my hand. I was shaken by the incident and vowed never to ask her about the past until I could handle it.

 

A few months later, after we had officially begun the relationship, when I thought I could handle information about the past, I ask her an innocuous question. One thing leads to another and we are going full disclosure on our pasts. She tells me that the person she had made out with was this friend. And now she tells me that it was not twice. She had lied to me. It was more than she could keep count. She didn’t give me a number but said it was more than 40, over the span of a few months. It was long make out sessions, it was short. It was pecks, it was hourlong. They watched movies together. They would stay late at each others’ houses. She loved cuddling with him, and she had no qualms in telling me this fact. While telling me all this, she told me that what she had with him was more deep and important than what she had with me. Even after we get into the relationship. And this hurt me so bad. This means that the whole time that she was telling me she was in love with me and that she couldn’t wait for me to be with her, she was getting physical with another guy and didn’t tell me a word. She would still continue exchanging all the sweet nothings, kisses, hearts, baby talk and what not with me. She then told me that it was just fondness, and she didn't have feelings for him. These two had stepped back from what they were doing when they realized that he was starting to get feelings for her. And they realized that I was soon going to be in the picture too.

 

 

2015

 

My stance: I cannot stomach this fact. I worked really hard for the two of us to work. Cancelled professional projects, stayed up late nights, gave up sleep, health. My body and mind went through a lot. She agrees too. She says that the only reason we're now in a relationship is because of me. I want this guy out of the picture. I want her to stop meeting him, except for when in a group. He is a colleague and I want her to treat him just as she would any other colleague. She sees him everyday. I want that eventually he should get out of the picture. At the moment, they are in the same city, and I’m 8 hours away. I never want to meet him or hear his name, even in passing. I think that in order for us to have a healthy relationship, I need that the past be completely wiped out clean, if it is within your control. I don’t want to be constantly reminded of why I broke my hand, that while I was staying up late nights every single night for 12 months, in order for us to work, she was getting physical with this guy scores of times. I do not want to be reminded that as serious as I was about this, so much as to uproot my life and bring it to Europe (apparently, she was in love with me too), she was doing this behind my back. I know we didn’t have an official relationship going, but at that point it felt like a relationship (I know it wasn't). And this feels not exactly like cheating (I know it's not), but leaves a horrible feeling in my stomach. And she had lied to me about this when I asked her. Am I asking for too much? She says it is. She says that I should stop controlling her life.

 

 

PS

 

I realize that I have anger issues. And that those need to be fixed first. I know that some of you will be ready to jump at that. Of course I know this. I had broken my hand and this was a huge shock to me.

[mhowe]

It won't get read if you don't break it into paragraphs.

[sheiscourtney]

Yes I believe being lied to about seeing someone else is aweful. No one deserves to be lied to like that. I think you two need to be closer together physically in order for it to work out.

[bodenseeguy]

You're right, sorry. Edited

[bodenseeguy]

I had a couple of *kissing* encounters in that period too. I felt guilty about it because I had feelings for my current GF. But it was strictly a couple, and something that was very short. Literally minutes. And I never saw those people again. Does that change anything? Are my lies "smaller" in comparison to hers? I want to think so. I didn't lie to her, but I didn't tell her the truth either. I thought I'd tell her when/if asked

[mhowe]

She has proven to be a consummate liar and I do not know how you would trust her.

 

You are not controlling...but you would be foolish to stay with her.

[mhowe]

I had a couple of *kissing* encounters in that period too. I felt guilty about it because I had feelings for my current GF. But it was strictly a couple, and something that was very short. Literally minutes. And I never saw those people again. Does that change anything? Are my lies "smaller" in comparison to hers? I want to think so. I didn't lie to her, but I didn't tell her the truth either. I thought I'd tell her when/if asked

 

Great...you lied by omission. Neither of you wins the fidelity medal.

[bodenseeguy]

you're right... but what about the controlling bit? am i overreacting?

 

oops. you already answered that.

[JA0371]

You're already starting out by mistrusting each other. At this point....I think you're in for a lot of issues and drama. JMO

[bodenseeguy]

There IS drama now for sure. I'm hoping that this will die down. Am I too naive?

[boltnrun]

It sounds to me like she was in a relationship with this other guy and YOU were the guy she was talking to on the side.

 

She sees him every day in person and you've only seen her in person once for 4 weeks?

 

Did she ask you to give up sleep and work projects in order to spend time online communicating with her? If not, that was your choice and can't be a factor in your conflict with her.

 

If she's not willing to give him up, you already have your answer. No matter how many sacrifices you feel you made for her, if she wants to see this other guy she will, and you can't do a thing to stop her. Sorry, but I think this has run its course.

[bodenseeguy]

No, she never asked those things of me. Absolutely right, the choice was mine. But didn't she enjoy the fruits of all that I gave? Are you saying I mustn't bring up the fact that I brought the momentum? Doesn't that count?

 

Somewhere, I feel I will get my due for everything I gave over that year.

[mhowe]

You might...but not with her.

[boltnrun]

Relationships aren't a game where score is kept and one person "owes" the other person for sacrifices they WILLINGLY made.

 

No, she does not owe you and you don't really have the right to insist she be with you and stop dating the other guy. That's her choice.

 

On the other hand, she does need to quit leading you on. That's not a nice thing to do to you.

[bodenseeguy]

Hang on... you do know that all this was last year, right? (just checking) she's not dating the other guy now. Now we're officially together.

 

Granted that there's no "debts" but what about balance? How is it OK for something supposedly equal to be so skewed?

[overthemoon86]

This is a really strange situation. I am not sure why she is with you at all. Or why you two are together in the first place. There has been a long "courtship" before making the relationship official and you both were pursuing others on the side. That just seems so off. Why bother even being together? She clearly likes this other guy more than you and she has already said that. Don't you want to be someone who only wants to be with you. On top of the long distance, this relationship is not going to work.

[HeartGoesOn]

I had a couple of *kissing* encounters in that period too. I felt guilty about it because I had feelings for my current GF. But it was strictly a couple, and something that was very short. Literally minutes. And I never saw those people again. Does that change anything? Are my lies "smaller" in comparison to hers? I want to think so. I didn't lie to her, but I didn't tell her the truth either. I thought I'd tell her when/if asked

 

What she did was wrong, yet by the same token your very short "kissing encounters" lasting "literally minutes" point to the pot calling the kettle black.

 

Bottom line is, the lack of trust between the both of you, is a major road block resulting in this relationship having a short shelf life, (imo).

[ParisPaulette]

You aren't being too controlling. You are being a tad blind to sticking with someone who admits to you they lied about the extent of the "friendship" with another person and admits they are/were in love with that person while they were with you and offering up a picture of being exclusive and faithful. And you having kissing sessions with other girls isn't good either.

 

What I see here is neither of you is good at doing the long-distance thing and that's not really surprising. It's really tough to do even under the best of circumstances and while you both seem interested in each other, that interest and/or love isn't strong enough to overcome in-person temptations if you're trying to be exclusive.

 

BTW I have male friends and I've even had yes, several male best friends. At no time and point was I in love with any of them and at no time and point did I ever cross the line and sleep with them. And if I caught wind that they wanted it to go that way then I ended the friendship ESPECIALLY if I was dating someone else and/or having a relationship with them.

 

It's called maintaining boundaries and honesty with your partner and not agreeing to be someone's second choice. As to enjoying the fruits of your work and so forth, yeah sadly plenty of people will do that and never care if it's not equal. And honestly, I don't see anything equal here. Unless you have a female best friend you have gotten physical with, that you are or were in love with them at one point and you all hang out repeatedly after that I really don't see this as equal or fair at all.

 

Does the other guy even know about you? Or does he think he's her boyfriend and when you show up all heck is going to break loose? Honestly, this doesn't look or sound like either of you is ready to 100 percent commit to the other.

[mhowe]

Your original post is about her having no contact with him and she finds that too controlling. Unless you are living together....how can you believe her that he is gone?

Hang on... you do know that all this was last year, right? (just checking) she's not dating the other guy now. Now we're officially together.

 

Granted that there's no "debts" but what about balance? How is it OK for something supposedly equal to be so skewed?

[bodenseeguy]

i hope you're wrong about this not working seems like we're doing our best. but is it her "best" if she declines to not cut off ties with that friend?

[mhowe]

Then that leaves you with a decision.

You cannot "make" HER do anything.

YOU can CHOOSE to not be part of her harem.

[bodenseeguy]

no, she never offered me a picture of being exclusive. but she did tell me almost every day that she was in love with me. am i too naive to believe that that kind of means exclusivity? and she says it was only friends with benefits with that guy. does FWB not count in exclusivity?

i don't think she's the kind who will give in to in person temptations after giving me her word on the relationship. the whole of last year, i never had her word on the status of the relationship.

in her defence, she was not "dating" me... she was only really interested in me while telling me that she was in love with me, and telling me that she would consider something if we were ever in the same place.

 

yeah, the guy knows about me. he'd known about me. but he knew that there was nothing "official" between us. i mean does official only mean something that's signed on a document? what is more reassuring than talking every day and admitting to being in love?

no, he never thought he was her boyfriend. apparently the "best friend" with benefits. go figure

[bodenseeguy]

yeah, i can't believe her if she tells me that he is gone. i just have to take her word. he will not be gone if he is a colleague that sits accross her 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. hopefully that is going to change next month.

 

BTW I took her word last month that she'd not meet him alone ever again, and she went and did it last night "nothing happened" though.

which is why i stayed up all night drafting this to get an opinion poll and see if i really am accross the line

[mhowe]

You assumed a lot and she has been sleeping with him throughout this supposed love with you.

 

I do not see a future between you and her.

[bodenseeguy]

I guess we two are in a relationship because I pushed it this far? That I would persist with her to see that it was a good idea? What actually happened was that over all those months I had put her up on a pedestal (this is my fault) and now I'm only discovering that she's all too human and that bloody sucks. It's disappointment after disappointment. I'm hoping that after I am done with my disillusionment, I will get my feet back on the ground and accept that we're all human?

She didn't say she likes him more. She said that what she shared with him - the whole friendship, not the physical part - was more meaningful than what she had ever had with me. She says at this point that she only wants to be with me. Although till a few months ago, every time we would fight (always about something that I did), it would end with a lecture and "I really want to be with someone with xyz qualities" clearly telling me that I don't have those qualities. That I must acquire them in order to fit her standards for being in a relationship