Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Me and my boyfriend(20 years old) have been together about a year.. recently we went away to school and had to do the long distance thing. After i visited him in october 2014, we spend about a week fighting really badly over not making enough time for each other. Following week, my good friend passed away and that same day my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because we were fighting too much. Two months later, we get in contact again around christmas time. We rekindle our relationship and he does all these cheesy romantic things to win me back. So I asked him about a particular girl he had mentioned when we first broke up. The entire time all he was saying was that they only kissed while we were broken up so I didn't make much of it. But I asked him again, and he told me they had sex. So I freak out and he drives up to see me (about 6 hours). At the same time, I messaged the girl and she told me the whole truth. He cheated on me the week we were fighting and kissed her, following this he took her on a date while I was still with him. After we broke up, he made this girl his girlfriend. They "dated" for about 3-4 weeks until he dumped her because he said he still loved me. He keeps saying it meant nothing even though he would tell her he loved her. He claims he only did it because she always said it. Apparently, she was the one who told him to break up with me and that it wasn't a big deal. She was also telling him that he should ask her out and that he knew he ed up so hard and that having this girl in his head telling him it was okay made him feel better. I met the girl the week i was there as well... she seemed a little fishy to me. The girl was also extremely rude when I messaged her... she was clearly just trying to hurt me and she would tell him to stop talking to me and about me. So he drove to see me, and spent three nights sleeping in his car because I wouldn't let him in. Only to go home when his dad came to get him. Now, he has been doing everything in his power to win me back, he writes me love poems every night, he came to see me again and this time we had a really good time together, he takes all the abuse i've been giving him. He cries every day and doesn't go out. I know he feels remorse and guilt and he hates himself so much for it. His friends have been messaging me telling me how depressed he's become because of his actions. I asked him why he did these things and played me the way he did. And he said this girl was right there being sweet to him while we were just arguing all the time and so he made a mistake and he kept making mistakes because he knew he couldn't stay with me after cheating. He said he "dated" the girl because he thought it would help him get over me but he couldn't and cried himself to sleep every night. He also went up to the girl and yelled at her because he thought it would prove to me she means nothing. He's basically been so mean to the girl that I know she means nothing. He's been helping me get through this by always talking to me when I need to and I've been terrible to him always bashing him and I've been sleeping around and he's aware of it but says he's going to wait for me even if I never come back. I still love him and I know he's being genuine about regretting everything. I don't know if this type of thing can be forgive or if it should be. Anyone there to help! Link to comment
BigKK Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Sounds like you found a true gem of a man. He cheats on you, then breaks up with you. Then gets bored of the new girl, goes back to you, and YELLS at the old gal to prove something to you? Is this high school or some bad sitcom? Sure you can get over anything, but I think if you have some self-respect you won't allow this guy back in. Plus, how do you know he won't cheat next time when you two fight? I would consider the two of you done, and time to move on. Very rarely do relationships survive long distance during college, how about be single and enjoy the college experience rather than dragging this on? Link to comment
relevart Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 First thing to do is to block al of his friends who may or may not mean well. Next, the yelling thing is really stupid. Maybe you'll be the one he yells at next when you mean nothing. You're young. You'll find drama with someone else in no time. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 he takes all the abuse i've been giving him. I've been terrible to him always bashing him I've been sleeping around and he's aware of it We argued all the time We argued all the time We argued all the time We argued all the time Well, I don't know about anyone else but if he were my son I would point out to him, all those things I've quoted and thereby give him clarity as to why wanting anything else to do with you two as a couple is just fear of breaking the habit with you or fear of being alone (certainly its not love that makes him want to continue on with you). Clearly, with his actions and your subsequent ones, you two were NOT meant to be LIFE partners in a mutually satisfying and functional union. Just my 2 cents. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Both of you need to stay single and just date a variety of people. It does not sound like either of you is ready for a committed relationship right now. This guy needs to stop the drama. Having friends text you on his behalf? Sleeping in his car outside your door? Let all this drama go. Link to comment
Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 i know but when we aren't fighting which was most of the time it was the happiest we've ever been. Why is it so hard to let go? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 i know but when we aren't fighting which was most of the time it was the happiest we've ever been Do you realize how ridiculous this sounds? Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 The sounds like more codependency and fear of being alone. Why did he have to yell that the other girl to prove his love to you? Sorry, this just sounds toxic all the way around. Link to comment
Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 gosh! you guys are so harsh! and he thought it would show she meant nothing to him because i kept saying she did. and couples argue all the time? why is it ridiculous that when we aren't fighting which most of the time we aren't, that we're happy together? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Healthy couple do not argue often. And him disrespecting the woman he cheated with by yelling in her face is proof of his love for you? It is proof that he is immature and disrespectful! Link to comment
Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 yes exactly i'm saying we don't usually argue! Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 We argue all the time. He left because he said we were fighting too much. Direct quotes from your first post. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I have a step daughter your age. If she were in your situation I would tell her its time to find her self respect and cut lose this guy because this will become a pattern of allowing men to crap all over her in the name of love. Link to comment
BigKK Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I have a step daughter your age. If she were in your situation I would tell her its time to find her self respect and cut lose this guy because this will become a pattern of allowing men to crap all over her in the name of love. ^^ have some self-respect Torch. Don't defend your "relationship" by saying it's great most of the time, you've clearly laid out an unhealthy relationship. You don't like the answers you're getting, it still doesn't change the fact that you two don't actually love each other. Sure you can forgive and pretend everything is fine. As soon as you two hit a rocky patch, it's off to cheating. If you don't see that yelling at another individual to prove anything to you is wrong, then you're hopeless...at least for now, you have a lot to learn. Link to comment
Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Yeah we were arguing a lot the week before we broke up. And anyways.. people argue in relationships... nothing is perfect. Link to comment
Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 and he was yelling at the girl for badmouthing me online so there's that Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It doesn't matter why he was doing it...it matters THAT he was doing it. And "defending your honor" against the woman he slept with just makes it farsical. However, you are likely seeing it as "he fought for me/us". Hopefully time apart will give you more clarity. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 and he was yelling at the girl for badmouthing me online so there's that From your OP He also went up to the girl and yelled at her because he thought it would prove to me she means nothing. So which is it? I'm not really sure who needs the advice, you or him. You both seem like real pieces of work. I'd tell him the same thing I'd tell you -- that he could do better than you. Honestly, both of you need to grow up. Not entirely sure why you came here anyway. Anytime someone gives you some advice, you throw it back in their face. Hope the two of you are hot because it doesn't seem there is much upstairs, if you gt what I mean. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Torch...You have been given constructive advice, and no one is going to sugarcoat your situation to the extent of only giving you the answers you want to hear. Link to comment
Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 yeah so let's be shallow and make it about how good looking we are! he's just trying to earn himself a place in my life is all i'm trying to say. Link to comment
Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 i'm not condoning my behaviour.. in fact i know i'm dealing with this irrationally.. i'm just saying sometime's people deserve to be forgiven! Link to comment
relevart Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 i'm not condoning my behaviour.. in fact i know i'm dealing with this irrationally.. i'm just saying sometime's people deserve to be forgiven! I'm not sure you do though. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 And why do you think your cheating ex should be forgiven? You seem to want ro place the entire cheating and subsequent relationship on the shoulders of the other woman and make your ex a gutless dupe who can be talked into anything. Including telling her he loved her...because she told him to say it. I really think he doesn't need to be forgiven...but he could use a spine. Link to comment
Torch Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 because he's been trying to make it up to me... he's taken responsibility for his actions. maybe he's not dealing with it well but at least he's trying. a lot of guys would just give up and walk away Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 He absolutely is NOT taking responsibilty for his actions. He is blaming her for his cheating! Link to comment
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