Married 10 years and feel like the passion is gone.

[zebragirl]

Like to title says , I've been married 10 years, 11 in June but the passion is gone. I want it back. I know he loves me deeply because he does tell me, not just the quick "I love you" before he leaves but really tells me and means it, times. Sometimes we have an occasional passionate kiss but beyond that not much. I feel like the passion could be under the surface and we could revive it if we tried. And I want to but I just am not sure how . I am trying to figure out what to do. He is my best friend and we've been through so much.

 

Here's the rest of the details. He's 42 and I am 33. We met when I was 19. So I've grown up a lot since then. I don't think I really knew who I was. I feel like right now i am in a life transition. We have a 4 year old daughter and I am a stay at home mom. I don't believe everything I used to when I grew up, I've become more progressive and liberal, more confident. I feel like becoming a mom really grew me up and helped me. But becoming parents has also been hard on us.

 

Husband works 65 hours a week and only gets 5 to 5 1/2 hours of sleep at night. He's always tired. Sex has been a struggle for us since we were married. I've never been good at initiating Sex or physical contact. It's just who I am. Over the years I think he has resigned himself to that. Between that, how much he works and how tired he is, having a baby and lack of sleep, Sex just got put on the back burner. We barely have sex 3-4 times a year. Well now that our daughter is 4 and goes to bed at a reasonable time, sleeps better at night, etc I feel like I am finally feeling better and have "woken" up to what life is. I was depressed for several years, lack of sleep, lack of support, a high needs baby, took its toll. I've broken out of that fog and realized we have a lot to work on.

 

 

I've talked to my husband about a lot of this, like the lack of sex and feeling generally frustrated with the day in day out sameness of life. He went to get a testosterone test recently became I pushed him to. He's been having issues with arousal and not being able to last. He seems into sex when we do it but things don't work. He's too tired most days to do anything by the time we can get our daughter to bed. But even on the weekend it doesn't work . So I am hoping the blood test results will help in some way.

 

But this is bigger than that to honest, because it just feels like, even without the sex we just don't have any passion. We don't do anything fun, we just do the same things over and over, eat supper, play with our daughter and watch some TV and go to bed. Every day, every week. It's just so boring. I want to go out and do fun things but when i tel him, he asks "like what?" and I have no clue. It's not like he's unwilling but neither of has ideas on what to do. Which leaves us stuck in a rutt.

 

I have been trying to initiate physical intimacy but honestly it feels like it's not helping. I wonder if I just need to try harder, like every day. Not try to have sex just try to be physically intimate somehow. I'm not good at it, I feel all awkward and weird. I've always been this way. He responds if i do initiate but rarely initates back. He used to all the time and I think it's my fault he stopped. Because when I was depressed and touched out with a clingy toddler I told him to back off. It felt like he was molesting me when I had a toddler clinging to me almost 24/7 to have him come home and grab my boobs or ass. So he backed off. But rarely touches me now, if ever, except for a nice hug once in a while.

 

I know of I have a good man and I have it better than most. Because he seems willing and loves me. I am pretty sure he'd never cheat. We are just in this frustrating slump and not sure how to get out of this rutt.

 

How do you pull your marriage out of a rutt? Cheating or going outside the marriage is not what I want and I know that wouldn't help. Sometimes I do fantasize about being with someone else though because I just feel so desperate for that passion that we used to have. It makes me sad to even say that. Because I know I could never do that to him and hurt him like that. What I really want is for things to be better with us.

 

My current thoughts are, asking him what he wants out of our marriage, of he wants to try going on dates together, plan something fun once a month. And tell him I need more physical affection, and then try to reply try hard myself to do my part with physical affection. That's all I know to do. Does that sound like a good plan, or does anyone have better or more ideas?

[reinventmyself]

As much as your personal situation may seem dire to you, it's pretty text book in the scheme of things.

 

First off, relationships evolve and what was newness and passion is replaced with something different, possibly more comfortable, stable and predictable. The good news is that this is normal. That bad news is predictability is rarely passionate.

 

Good for you that you are initiating sex and it's good that he's had his hormone levels checked.

 

You two need to date again!! (you mentioned monthly. . how about weekly or every other week) Get a babysitter, get dressed up for each other, plan fun nights out. .go to a hotel, away for the weekend and find a hobby just two of you enjoy doing. Learn to golf, tennis, bike rides. Physical activity bonds you together and gets you out of mommy and workaholic mode.

 

Also accept that maybe that it's a possibility that intense passion you speak of may never return but it's replaced with something more deep and meaningful.

 

Basically, you have to work at it. Schedule time and make a concerned effort to get back on track.

 

It's very doable and from what you have described and desire in which you express yourself I think you two can definitely do this.

 

Lastly know. . most if not all marriages go through this and I'll bet you can find all sorts of literature and books about this and maybe consider the help of a

marriage counselor if you haven't considered it. But it doesn't sound to me it's reached that point yet.

This is very fixable! Good luck!

[Andrina]

After my divorce, I dated a guy for a year who worked about 68 hours a week as well. He only had Sunday off, and on that day, he always slept late and had a headache that day. He seemed to either have a low libido as well, and didn't care to go out and do things. I was not happy in that relationship for those reasons and numerous others and I'm glad things ended. Your husband, however, seems like a good guy who is plain tired. What is the reason he works so many hours? When your child starts preschool or kindergarten, will you be able to work during the hours she's in school to help out financially if that's the reason he works so much? Or is he a workaholic and could work less if he wanted to? If that's the case, I'd work on him cutting back on some of those hours.

 

If you don't have friends with small children that you could exchange babysitting hours with, I'd join some Mommy and me groups to meet other mothers who might exchange babysitting hours with you so you and your hubby can have some alone time. Try link removed to look for those groups. Instead of focusing on sex right now, get some Avon bath oil and mix it with lotion. Give each other foot massages and/or back massages. Get comfortable being more physical with each other. It's a cop out to say you're just not very physical or affectionate. You can choose to do these things for the good of your marriage, and every time you do it, you will get more and more comfortable.

 

Write a letter telling your husband what you love about him. Call him at work and tell him you miss him. Leave a lipstick note on the mirror saying something sexy or romantic. Read Cosmopolitan magazine online to get some new bedroom ideas.

 

For outings, you can take the lead until he gets used to doing things and then maybe he can get creative after he sees what you've planned. Depending on the season and where you live, you can have a picnic by a lake or the beach, go to the flea market, take dancing lessons (country two-step, tango, swing), take a cooking class, go hiking, kayaking, bicycling, amusement park. Go to a local festival.

 

You should also take up your own hobby after your child starts school to fulfill yourself, as no man can ever be the sole reason for your happiness.

[zebragirl]

Thank you for all the ideas! I definitely want to a lot of them. I know practice is the only way I am going to get comfortable with initiating and I am going to try to do better and keep trying.

He has definitely gotten into workaholic mode and that's the part I feel I can't change. I've talked to him multiple times about how working so much overtime is affecting us and our marriage and making him too tired . He gets it but doesn't really and isn't willing to back down on it . He isn't required to do the overtime and although any extra income always helps we would be fine if he cut back. Honed time says he works the overtime because he doesn't know when they will make him cut back and it won't be an option so he wants to take advantage of it while he has the opportunity. His boss has said unlimited overtime so he does as much as he can while he has the chance. BUT here's the thing, he's been doing this overtime for about a year now. He he started really working the hours he is last June to make up for vacation time he took off, working Saturday to cover the overtime he lost when he took his paid vacation, if that makes sense. Then after that he never stopped doing Saturdays. He has always had a hard time turning down any opportunity to make extra income at his job or any way to save money. And it's actually helped us a lot but even without it we would be fine. I don't think he realizes the affect it has had on us because he's just gotten used to it.

 

I don't think we could do weekly dates even though I'd love to because at the moment our only babysitters are his parents and mine. But maybe we can start with every other week or once month and increase it over time. At this point once a month by ourselves would be wonderful and then maybe also once a month as a family fun night or something fun with our daughter together.

 

I am worried that he'll not quit doing the overtime and things won't improve because he's always tired. I don't want to put the cart before the horse, but I am worried that if his testosterone comes back normal that he won't do anything to try to fix what's going on. I suspect it's being overtired combined with some performance anxiety, that causes the ED issues.

[Batya33]

" I've never been good at initiating Sex or physical contact. It's just who I am."

 

I've been married 6 years and we have a 5 year old ( we are in our late 40s) I've had to discard the "It's just who I am" temptation a number of times for the benefit of my marriage - not talking about sex specifically. It's challenging to change unproductive or bad habits/mind sets but it's worth it. As far as initiating sex/physical contact, start out slowly and see how it goes. I find in my marriage it's harder to be spontaneous about intimacy because of our child, his schedule, our resulting fatigue but there is a way to plan in a fun way and a way to work in spontaneity in other ways.

 

I will add that if I had married who I was engaged to at age 23 it likely would have been a disaster.

[zebragirl]

I agree Batya! I really do think it is just who I am naturally but I don't want to use that as an excuse. I truly believe people can and do change who they are but the key is "if and only if they want to". So that's why you can't change someone else only yourself . And I WANT to change, I want to be more confident and affectionate. It's just hard because I don't tend to be that way naturally. I enjoy physical affection and want to do it but honestly I have to make a mental note to remember to actually kiss and hug him or I just don't think about it until I realize he hadn't kissed me beyond a peck in a while. I feel like I need a mental sticky note to remind myself. Also sometime I want to and i feel like I have hurdle or block I have to push away to get past the anxiety or awkwardness. That part I just have to DO it and push myself and get used to that. That's what takes practice and intentionality. So I think to you are tight it can be an excuse but I don't want it to be an excuse even though that's how u naturally am, I want to change that

[Batya33]

Think about it this way -is it "natural" for you to say calmly to your 4 year old "I don't like your behavior" rather than (at times) "please please let me just have 90 seconds to use the bathroom in privacy just this once - please go away!". Or reminding yourself to count to ten before taking her really loud toy and placing it in the trash at 6:03am pre-coffee. How you "naturally" are also can change with practice -it becomes part of the new you, the new normal. Don't you tell your 4-year old to resist certain impulses and behave a different way? Same thing here.

[zebragirl]

That makes sense to me.

[zebragirl]

He got his testosterone levels checked and they are really low. I am frustrated because he seems to want to continue working his 65 hr a week schedule and try to fit in a little more sleep somehow and hope it goes up naturally. I am fine with him trying to correct it naturally and I think that sleep IS the key. But not changing is schedule and just going to be an hour earlier each night just doesn't seem wise to me. he gets 5 hrs of sleep or 5 hrs 20 minutes at best ever night including Friday night. The only time he gets more is Saturday night because he can sleep in sunday.

 

He does NOT need to work the overtime. he has a boss that has said "unlimited" overtime because they can never seem to catch up in his department. it's not required at all. He makes his own schedule basically. He's not required to work Saturdays. He's told me several times the department really needs to hire more people and his boss just doesn't get it. He uses the excuse to continue the overtime that he's gotten pathetic raises the last several years and costs (overall) have gone up over the years so it's the only way he can make "more" money. Of course more money is nice, but we were more than making ends meet before the overtime. We didn't have a lot of extra to put away but we still always saved something and still paid all our bills. I think he's gotten into this mindset where he has to take advantage of every opportunity to make extra $$ for fear he won't have the chance later. It's starting to be a dangerous mindset.

 

I talked to him about the passion and intimacy and on that front he seems completely willing for us to work on that together, going on date nights, trying to have more sex etc, do new things. I just fear , at this point , that the work hours will be our demise. I can't figure out why I am so hung up on that when he is willing in every other way to improve our relationship. I think it's because I want him to be willing to say that our relationship is worth the pay cut (overtime cut) and do what it takes and be proactive. Not just try to "cram more " into his overtaxed schedule already. I want him to put the focus on health, our relationship and family and not put work first like he's done for quite some time. I am willing to do everything I can to improve things for us but I need him to show that it's important to him and be proactive. And I dont' want to push too hard or he'll do it and be resentful but not really be because he thinks it's right.

[tattoobunnie]

Had that lack of sex talk with my husband this Saturday. He finally scored an awesome job after not working regularly, and has been loving it since he started a few weeks ago. Although we regularly talk about it - the desire to get it on - the toddler that is so loved, and my own succubus. Being tired. We want to have another kid too. So the past two months, I've circled when we need to get it on for sure. Then on Thursday and Friday, after much work and a super long week, nada. Then we talked, and that night, wam-bam-thank-you-man! Granted, sex is a priority to us, but it's rare. It's an effort, and compromise - it can't be all roses all the time. And unlike women, men can't just turn on and perform like a light-switch. A lot of it is mental.

 

Now that your little one is starting pre-school, will you be going back to work, at least part-time? Takes off the pressure of him working so much? Is it possible he can work overtime every day except Friday night, where he comes home at a normal time?

 

And I don't want to be a jerk, but is it possible that he stays late cuz his "needs" are met elsewhere?

 

Also, have him supplement with L-Arginine, Gingko Biloba, and Ginseng - link removed - get them juices flowing...

[tattoobunnie]

And sometimes you have to just work with intimacy that isn't always just intercourse sex. It's the footrubs, backrubs, hugs, holding, holding hands on the other days. Men need priming too.

 

If you can get a part-time job or something, wow, that really helps with the mindset...I know my hubby going back to work has for me. In fact the pressure I was putting on myself about making as much money as possible, totally has normalized. Pressure indeed is superiorly down.

[zebragirl]

I think we'll have to start with just the intimacy and see where it goes. Planning it out on the calendar sounds un-romantic but might help to be honest. Then he'd know and start thinking about it. I never heard of women being instant/men taking time to get warmed up. I'd actually always heard the reverse, men are like microwaves, women are like crockpots, fast cookers vs slow cookers. lol . might just be differences in people though. I don't turn on instantly , it takes some foreplay, talking, thinking etc. thanks for the supplements list, I had heard l-arginine but not the others. They might help too.

 

Work pressure, honestly he puts the pressure on himself. His normal income is more than sufficient but he worries a lot. He more than doubled his salary this year by working overtime if that tells you anything. We've always been able to save and do a few things here and there on his regular income so I don't know why he puts the pressure on himself. I am not sure if I'll go back to work part time yet or not. She's not in preschool yet either but maybe by next fall.

[IAmFCA]

Re planning for physical time together... I recently read something that changed my thinking about this.

 

When we are dating, an opportunity to be physically intimate is planned - we shower and shave, we make ourselves ready in case the opportunity arises. We need to do the same in relationship - planning it may mean putting time aside on the calendar, getting cleaned up, and then making a connection socially and seeing what happens from there.

 

When we are dating, if we want an opportunity to kiss, or more, we build into the date time to go home. We make the activity close to home, we build in time to get home while we still can focus on one another. Same when in RL. LOL this weekend I was on a double date. As soon as the primary activity was over, and the polite beer-after-the activity was over, all four of us found excuses to get home.

[zebragirl]

Very good point! Thanks!

[mhowe]

For many men, work/overtime means financial security for their family. I would bet that if you asked him if he was focusing on family, work would be part of his understanding of it. Just paying the bills...isn't financial security.

 

He has listened, gotten his T checked, agreed to more intimacy and date night.

 

You want him to work less. Time for you to compromise and find other things to do on the Sat. He decides to work.

[zebragirl]

He's listened but there is no action behind his listening. I have to be most of the action, as in if there is a date, I will plan it, if we have sex, I'll have to initiate and he likely will be too tired, he won't address his low T at all. He refused to make an appointment to get it taken care of. He only got the test because I called and asked if they could add it on and he was willing to go get the blood draw but nothing else. He thinks more intimacy means just to kiss me more. If he wants to keep working , fine by me but he needs more sleep so he isn't so tired or too tired to do anything and he won't even go to bed earlier. He said he would and hasn't made any attempt to do anything different. I won't push him for everything because then he gets resentful