Reminders of his exes!

[SmintyMinty]

Hi there!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 8 months and we're both very happy with each other and said we love each other. The problem is I just can't seem to trust him or believe that he is over his exes. He's 28 and has never had a relationship longer than 4 months and he says I'm his first love. I don't normally get jealous about exes but it seems like he keeps hanging on to them.

 

He's still good friends with an ex-girlfriend who he knows still wants him back and they broke up 3 years ago. He's going to her birthday party tonight and I wasn't invited as she's insanely jealous of me and doesn't want me around. He was sorting through some old photos a few weeks ago and he kept all the ones of her. He's also kept photos of his other ex-girlfriends and love letters and gifts from them. He has toiletries they bought him all around the room. Yesterday I saw this plain old mug in his room and when I asked if he wanted me to put it in the kitchen he took it and said he wanted to put it somewhere safe. He told me it was a present from an ex-girlfriend from years back who is now married and pregnant.

 

It's like these things still mean a lot to him and he hasn't gotten over it. Am I going mad? It's just a mug right? If he's over her why are all those things from his exes still such a big deal to him?? I know it's stupid but I feel like I don't mean an awful lot to him as all that stuff from his exes mean so much and he's so protective of it all. I know he didn't treat them all so well when he was dating some of them. He says he doesn't have any feelings for any of his exes anymore but I find it hard to believe him when it seems like he can't even let go of those material things and all the memories. I don't feel special to him and keep thinking he'd rather be with any of those other ex-girlfriends and I don't mean all that much to him as he still keeps so many reminders of his past. He throws away things I give him; he hasn't kept the birthday card I sent him but has kept all his ex-girlfriend's letters.

 

It's stupid I know but I keep doubting that he really loves me as much as he says he does when he can't forget about the others. I've never asked him to put the stuff away but he knows he shouldn't be keeping them as he acts all guilty when I see them. I feel very insecure and he knows this. He finished things with all of his previous girlfriends and it's like he still wants them hanging around for an ego boost or something. It really hurts as it feels like being with me is not enough. One of his ex-girlfriends who dislikes me he is always defending as he doesn't believe that she is like that and he says I'm just being paranoid and judgemental. We've had so many fights about her.

 

I don't understand what the problem is or why I'm feeling this way! He'll never get back with any of them so why does he need them still around or reminders of them?? I don't want to be with a guy who can't give me his whole heart and it feels like at the moment I only have some of it. It really upsets me as I really love him and I want to believe that he's special but I just can't see it. Do I just get over it and ignore the ex-girlfriend stuff around his place or do I take it like it's a big warning sign?

[annie24]

The mug thing sounds really weird. It's just a piece of dishware, but he's treating it like so much more. You have a right to be upset with his behavior. When you said that he kept some old letters from an ex, I didn't think that was such a big deal, until you said that he threw away yours. Have you talked to him about how these objects from his past upset you? I think if he's been your bf for 8 months, it's disrespectful for him to go to his exes b-day party without you. It sounds like he's not over his exes and is keeping them around 'just in case.' Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[cleverme123]

let me just be the one to tell you that this is not an uncommon problem. My guy did the same thing he was so attached to all this stuff that they had given him. It drives me nuts and still does. Especially when his exes have become more like an annoying fan club. It even escalated to the point where two of them got a job where he works part time. Now not only was I annoyed and some what jealous, but he feeds into it because he likes the attention they give him. I don't know what the case is with your guy, maybe he has an attachment disorder of sort and it's not possible for him to let go of his exes. Other than that all I can say is that if there isn't anything going on, I would offer to clean house for him and see what he says when they all disappear.

[Mentor]

Hi,

 

I agree with a previous post that your boyfriend should not go to his ex's birthday party without you. Have you talked to him about it? I can also understand you being uncomfortable with him spending time with his exes, especially if they still have a thing for him. Have you talked about this with him? He could just be someone who wants to keep these people in his life, purely as platonic friends. They were not long relationships, so I can understand that. If you are not secure enough to tolerate this, then I think that he might not be the right person for you. It is unfair to ask/manipulate him to change. He will resent it, and it will poison your long-term future. That being said, you should (calmly) tell him how it makes you feel. If he values your relationship enough, he might want to change his ways to keep you.

 

You can not/should not ask your ex to "forget about the others." His previous relationships are a big part of who he is today. I keep a shoebox filled with reminders from each of my past girlfriends. This does not mean that I am not over them, or that I am not ready for a relationship with someone new. Those things all meant a great deal to me, and they always will. I would not respond well at all if a current gf asked me to get rid of them. I would sooner sever a limb, because they are just as much a part of me as my arm. Are you sure that he is not keeping little things from your relationship as well? I never told my gfs that I was doing this.

 

Of course he acts guilty when you see these things, you are reacting in a jealous, controlling and insecure manner. You might want to try to trust that you are a good enough person to keep him interested in you so that he would not be interested in a relationship with one of his exes.

[Enn]

Though I think it's absolutely outrageous that he's going to this party without you, I think the main thing is how you feel generally about the way he treats you. Apart from this, would you think he was loving?

 

At first I thought my ex's ENDLESS photos of his exes (one on his wall, a very old Valentine's card on his mantlepiece - weeks after I'd been going out with him) and constant references to them/contact with them was all fine. But I constantly felt that he didn't love me 'enough.' He seemed like a weird butterfly collector. I ended up pushing it into a situation where I asked who he had loved the most out of the people he had been out with. He gave me a list (that included me, wowee!) The relationship went rapidly downhill and I'm now incredibly glad to say he walked out in November.

 

Life is too short to let ANYONE make you feel like second best.

[Scout]

He's still good friends with an ex-girlfriend who he knows still wants him back and they broke up 3 years ago. He's going to her birthday party tonight and I wasn't invited as she's insanely jealous of me and doesn't want me around.

 

I don't think you're going to like my answer, but for your sake, I feel I have to share my take on this: honey, take EVERYTHING he's doing as the biggest red flag you ever saw in your life that this guy is not relationship material.

 

No normal boyfriend would go to an ex-girlfriend's party that his current girlfriend wasn't invited to.

 

Please, I beg you - if you have even the tiniest shred of self-respect, you will get out of this now before you get really hurt. Do you really want to go through the pain that inevitably a relationship with someone like this guy will bring? Compounded by the knowledge that all the red flags were there for you to see, so that you could have avoided the pain?

 

I don't claim to know everything about relationships, hell, probably not half as much as I should, but the fact that this guy has incredibly inadequate skills at being in a healthy relationship is as plain as the nose on my face. If you truly want a healthy relationship, this guy isn't the one for you.

[ShuShu Fontana]

Life is too short to let ANYONE make you feel like second best.

 

Bravo! More people need to know that. Let's all make it our sigantures!

 

His big mistake was letting you know that all this stuff was from his ex's or keeping it out in public view to begin with. I still have all the letters and memorabilia from my ex but they are in a shoe box and my boyfriend hasn't seen them nor does he need to. I took down the painting he painted for me that he made for me AFTER we broke up because it wasn't good for me or my boyfriend.

 

You said his ex invited him to the party and not you, but is he going? If he goes he shoudl bring you or not go at all. He may have too much of his identity wrapped up in these exes and maybe that's why he's having a hard time letting go. I know that's my problem.

And I personally think keeping a letter is different than keeping a card. But maybe I'm just splitting hairs.

You said he didn't treat his exes very well. how does he treat you? He's been with you longer than anyone else and says you're his first love. I know it's annoying that he keeps things around. hell, my boyfriend still has a hair scrunchie from his high school girlfriend wrapped around the gear shift in his truck, and that relationship was 10 years ago! I'm not threatened by it, but it's just one little piece of a relationship I know was very important to him as it was his first. He also has the mix tapes his first real love made him. They're meaningful to him and as long as I don't have to listen to them I don't mind that he has them. I'm glad to know that other people meant something to him.

Maybe you could ask him not to throw anything away, but to *put* them away. The mug is special and he wants to put it in a special place? How about a box in the closet? I don't think it's too much to ask that he put these things out of sight. That way he can keep them but you don't have to be tortured by the sight of them. I think that would be a great compromise.

[Scout]

I think the fact he's going to this party shows how he treats her. He may have been with her longer than anyone else, but that might be because no one else has put up with his behavior for this long.

 

Regarding keeping his exes things around, while that would be an irritant for me, I also have some things exes gave me. But the party thing just absolutely crosses the line. I've gone out with a few insensitive guys before, but none of them would have done anything remotely like this.

[ShuShu Fontana]

I missed the part where she said he IS going to this party without her and yes, that does cross the line. And I did get the feeling that having all the ex stuff out in the open and on display was just not a good thing and that she was, as you said, probably with him the longest simply because she has put up with it.

Gotta go with the gut on this one. He's bad news. Run.

[RayKay]

I do have to agree with the other posters about the party issue....there is no way I would EVER accept a guy I was serious with going to an ex-gfs party that I was not only NOT invited to, but basically UN-invited to since she was not adult enough to "cope" with him being with someone else. And if he goes, that puts him in a worse position in my books...he should be able to tell her that "either my girlfriend is invited to come along (and you can choose to go or not) or I am not going to come as my girlfriend is part of my life!". Are you sure she said you could not come, or is he just telling you that as he does not want you to come along?

 

As for the memorabilia...most people keep such stuff. I have a box of things, my partner has a box of things. We both know not to look at each others box of things (and I have no desire to...it is his personal space from his past and I respect that, if he "chose" to show me that is another matter). I am sure I have some things (gifts etc) around, but they are not identifiable to a past partner or anything like that and I would not be keeping it around because it was part of my past with my ex, but because it is a useful/practical gift..lol. My pictures, letters, etc are in my box of stuff. It is part of who I am as it is my past, but I don't dwell on it (in fact, it is a rare rare occasion I actually look through my stuff!).

 

I would be concerned about the party. For the other stuff, tell him how it feels. Or bring out some of your own stuff from your past and let him know how it feels

 

But honestly I think the above posters have something...there is something weird about this, especially given his relationship history. He keeps stuff like this from girls he went out with for less than four months, though he never "loved them"....something is odd!

[SmintyMinty]

Thanks to everyone who's posted...it's scarily spot-on what some of you have said. I don't feel like I'm going mad or imagining things. I think it is odd that he should keep stuff from exes who didn't seem to mean that much to him in the first place.

 

He says he loves me and he does treat me - takes me out, we've been on a couple of holidays together and he sees me during the week when he can. It's just that I do feel second best, like I'm not good enough which I know isn't true. I do talk to him about how he makes me feel insecure but it's like he listens that minute and he'll do the same thing again. It's been 8 months and I'm really not into getting into long-term serious relationships but I stayed as I thought there was real potential here with my boyfriend.

 

He is at his exes party right now. To make things worse he called me just before he went to tell me he wasn't sure if he was going to come round to see me tonight afterwards as he'd promised. I just don't feel I can ask what I want from the relationship from him. I just feel scared that if I do I'd push him too far and he'd finish things just like he did with his other exes. He says he doesn't know what to do in a relationship or how to behave. It's been painful at times as you're right I do put up with behaviour that most girlfriends wouldn't have taken and just walked. He does what he wants and doesn't care how it makes me feel.

 

I don't really believe he loves me when he says he does. If he really does love me then he wouldn't want to do things that he knows will hurt me right??? There's been many times when I say I don't like something he's done or tell him something he did or said has really hurt me, he doesn't understand what he's doing wrong. It's like he'd rather ignore it and do what he wants no matter how I will feel. Right now I feel so hurt that he's at her party without me - he went anyway even when I said I would prefer it if he didn't.

[RayKay]

He is at his exes party right now. To make things worse he called me just before he went to tell me he wasn't sure if he was going to come round to see me tonight afterwards as he'd promised.

 

Okay, well the fact that he went to her party AFTER you told him how you felt, and not only that but now is not going to make it to see you after it as he also I assume committed to would just have me walking. If this was the first time he had been inconsiderate that is one thing, but obviously it is not as you said yourself.

 

There's been many times when I say I don't like something he's done or tell him something he did or said has really hurt me, he doesn't understand what he's doing wrong. It's like he'd rather ignore it and do what he wants no matter how I will feel.

 

This is a MASSIVE red flag to me...him ignoring it and doing what he wants no matter what. Give me a break, he is 28 years old and should be a lot more mature than that.

 

I just don't feel I can ask what I want from the relationship from him. I just feel scared that if I do I'd push him too far and he'd finish things just like he did with his other exes. He says he doesn't know what to do in a relationship or how to behave. It's been painful at times as you're right I do put up with behaviour that most girlfriends wouldn't have taken and just walked. He does what he wants and doesn't care how it makes me feel.

 

And for me the answers lay here. One you should be able to ask for what you want and not worry about repercussions or him withdrawing his love...that is not love. There is a difference between asking for respect and expecting it, and being a nag. You are asking for his respect. How can he not know what to do or how to behave? He loves you, he should SHOW he loves you. He WOULD care how you feel about his actions, he would want you to feel GOOD about his actions!

 

I think there is a BIG reason why his other girlfriends walked - they were smart enough to see that they deserved more maturity from a guy. Can he change? Maybe, but not if you are letting him get away with it...he is not in a relationship...not fully anyway..not if he is behaving this way.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, I have just known men like this..and hate to see people walked all over (be they female or male). If things do not change, you will become insecure, and your self esteem will be affected, until you do feel like you are "stuck" or can't do better....demand more respect for yourself. And truly consider walking away now. You deserve more than this, do you really want this to go on over and over again? The party thing would finalize it for me, especially him not coming over after!

[unnaturally_thin]

okay. i don;t have the time to read everyones replys. but girl. TELL HIM that it bothers you. i told my boyfriend over 3 months that im sick of seeing the stuff. then finally broke down and told him that im completely sick of it and can't walk into his house seeing pictures cards etc anymore. then he threw them out.

[SmintyMinty]

I have honestly thought about walking so many times and tried. I've tried to break up with him at least once every month we've been together. And everytime he promises he'll change and he says he knows he has to be more considerate and less selfish. And for a while it will be good and then it's back to the same old.

 

A few of my friends say he's not good enough for me and doesn't treat me as well as I deserve. I think they're right but somehow I just can't seem to go through with it. I don't think he honestly believes any girl will leave him as he broke up with all his girlfriends. And just hearing what he says about them makes me think that he just ditched them because they weren't good enough for him, smart enough or pretty enough and he got bored of them. It's like they're dispensable. And I do feel that unless I'm no less than perfect I'm just not good enough. I'm not a jealous, insecure girlfriend and I'm very easy going with my boyfriends so it's strange for me to be feeling this way. I get a lot of guy attention and I'm not staying with him cos I feel I can't get another guy. I love him and forgive him time and again for the things he does and says even if I'm hurting really badly as when the times are good he makes me so happy. I'm wondering if it's all a control thing - it seems like things are only good between us when I'm doing what he wants.

[SmintyMinty]

I wouldn't and couldn't ever make him throw out his exes stuff. I think I've no right to do that and he should be the one who wants to get rid of it. I don't have a problem moving on and throwing out my ex's stuff when I'm with a new boyfriend.

[ShuShu Fontana]

Ditch him.

 

Talk is cheap. Actions always speak louder than words.

 

My ex, after we broke up, would constantly tellme how important I was to him yet never *treated* me like I was.

 

My boyfriend may not say "I Love You" very often, but he shows me every day by the things he does for me.

 

He went even after you told him it bothered you and then he even said he wouldn't be able to hang out with you after the party?! His priority is not you, honey. He doesn't know a good thing when he's got it.

When someone says they don't know how to be in a relationship trust them and run away!

[liljen08]

I understand that you are in love with this guy. Sometimes being in love blinds you from seeing things straight. However, I dont think going to his ex's b-day party is an acceptable thing, and he doesnt even have the courtesy to ask how you feel about it.

It seems as though, he cares alot about his ego-boost (keeping in touch with his exs) and his ex's feelings. What about how you feel? If he says he loves you, then he will be considerate of your feelings.

My best friend was in a similar situation for 2 years with her ex bf. All in all, the guy was manipulative and controlling and things always went smooth when he got what HE WANTED. Basically, its either "my way or the highway".

[ShuShu Fontana]

Contrary to poular beliefe, love is *not* all you need. Especially when it is one sided love as this obviously is.

 

He has no respect for you or your feelings. He will never change. Never. He will tel you whatever you want to hear to keep you there, pretend to be good for a while, and then go back to being himself.

it's not your fault he's this way. it's his fault. He's a LOSER and you need to get rid of him ASAP.

Tonight he chose her over you. Don't be there when he gets back.

[Scout]

it's not your fault he's this way. it's his fault. He's a LOSER and you need to get rid of him ASAP.

Tonight he chose her over you. Don't be there when he gets back.

 

Amen. If you have any self-respect, you will kick this guy to the curb and never look back. No, it's not your fault he's a jerk, but if you choose to stay with him after this, it's no one else's fault but your own that you will continue to be hurt. And to be honest, he very likely will end up dumping you down the road if you don't do it first. Do you really want to have that extra humiliation on top of everything else?

[OceanEyes]

And everytime he promises he'll change and he says he knows he has to be more considerate and less selfish. And for a while it will be good and then it's back to the same old.

 

He is manipulating you, very skillfully by the sounds of it. I know what it feels like to be with a guy like this. You have a serious concern, his actions are very hurtful, so you tell him. He's receptive and seems to really absorb what you're telling him, but then seems to forget that the discussion ever took place and reverts back to old habits in a week or two. This is classic manipulation; he's decieving you into believing that he actually cares enough about your feelings to change. The truth is, that if he really did care that much, he would listen in the first place and never want to hurt you again. Don't kid yourself or let him kid you - he knows exactly what he's doing.

 

Sticking around with a guy like this is going to cause you some serious self-doubt (as it already has) and do some damage to your self-esteem. Damage like this can interrupt your love life in the future, causing you to trust less when you really should, and to make you much more skeptical about letting new loves into your heart. Do you see all of the posts here in "Trust and Relationships"? I would bet my life that at least half of the people posting in here have been through a situation very similar to yours. Staying in relationships like this are not only hurting you NOW, but the affects will continue to surface every single time you want to trust a new person. I would get the hell out while I still saw things clearly. A guy like this isn't worth the long-term affects, trust me!

 

You have the power to change what's going on right now. Don't sit around waiting for him to change his ways and listening to his lines anymore. He's proven to you that he cannot be trusted time and time again. ShuShu makes a very good point:

 

Talk is cheap. Actions always speak louder than words.

 

This is very true. I can tell anyone that I love them, but if I don't follow through with the necessary actions that actually prove that I love them, then "I love you" is simply three words with no real value to them. A guy who loves you will go out of his way to avoid hurting you, not do whatever he wants regardless of how it makes you feel.

[Scout]

Wow. Amazingly said Ocean. I hope the poster will read your post word for word - and then read it again.

[PrincessLinzay]

I think that the fact he has so many exes in the first place should speak volumes!!!

[Enn]

Hope this isn't an interruption but I really, really love this forum. I'm over the worst in my own split now but then when I get one of those mild setbacks I come back and get new insights every time. This thread's one of the best I've read. I want to give everyone a virtual group hug!

 

And Sminty - hope you have the strength to tell him what's what. I've found that the trouble with men like this is that they apologise at first and then don't bother - and you end up accepting more and more shocking behaviour.

 

Do not underestimate your own worth - or the power of this forum in helping you if the outcome doesn't seem easy to cope with.

[Cynder]

My husband sounds just like this guy. He used to have a shrine to his ex in the closet, in which he kept one of her friggin cigarettes! And just for the record this was 7 years after they broke up... He also throws away things I give him. I know how hurtful that can be.

 

After we got married I told him how horrible it was that he had this shrine because he is with me now, so he got rid of it.

 

Tell him how you feel.

 

My husband says now that he did this to be controlling. I would have never known it was there if he wouldn't have told me about it. Bottom line of ehat I'm getting at here is he's manipulating your emotions.

[Cecelius]

He's still good friends with an ex-girlfriend who he knows still wants him back and they broke up 3 years ago. He's going to her birthday party tonight and I wasn't invited as she's insanely jealous of me and doesn't want me around.

 

I don't think you're going to like my answer, but for your sake, I feel I have to share my take on this: honey, take EVERYTHING he's doing as the biggest red flag you ever saw in your life that this guy is not relationship material.

 

No normal boyfriend would go to an ex-girlfriend's party that his current girlfriend wasn't invited to.

 

I am on the fence about the relationship accoutremont, but on this point? I agree.

 

But going to the party without you is not okay at 8 months.

 

If it matters, if my g/f did that, I'd politely excuse myself.