Is my mum making a mistake? Please say someone agrees with me?

[cmg1990]

So my mum has been with my stepfather for 12 years, he is so different to her and so different to my father (he passed away) and I just thought he wasn't her type when they first met. Anyway, the past 4 years i would say my mum has been somewhat unhappy, she suffers depression and it gets quite bad at times, at one point she thought about suicide. But she's better now. When she was drunk or when her and my stepfather would argue she would always say how she wanted to end the relationship as she was not happy. Then last year she met a guy on holiday when I was with her. They exchanged numbers and kept in touch. Basically she was cheating on my stepfather which I told her was wrong and I didn't agree with but she seemed happier. She kept telling me she was going to end it with my stepfather and he then found out about the other guy. Instead of walking away he told her he would forgive her. And then he used emotional blackmail (she showed me the messages) to stop her from leaving him. This other guy then turned out to be a nasty man so that ended about a month ago, and during the time she was with this other guy, she said she loved him and really had no feelings for my stepfather. She said this more than once. Now I just received a message today from my mum saying she is going to marry my stepfather (thwy never married before she just changed her name by deed poll) I think she is making a mistake? How can you go from not loving someone and not having feelings for someone, to then wanting to marry them? I think she is too scared to be alone but she says this is not the case. I dint understand and I am scared she's going to regret this decision?

[Clinton]

Unfortunately it's not your business. Your mother is an adult and gets to make her own decisions even if they appear wrong. You've said your piece, now try and support her and be happy for her.

 

If it goes wrong be there for her. It's what families about.

[relevart]

I agree with you. That's what you wanted to hear, right? My job is done here.

 

First, your mom sounds like a piece of work. She needs some therapy to work on her issues. She seems to also attract the wrong kind of dude.

 

Second, have you considered the possibility that she actually does love the man she is about to marrry? Or that she at least thinks she does.

 

Third, maybe she's the type that wrongly thinks you have to be in a realtionship to be happy.

 

I'm not real sure what you can do about it other than suggest she seek counseling.

[DancingFool]

Your mum is an adult who is perfectly capable of handling her life. You may not agree with the choices she makes, but it's not up to you to try to "fix" them. You are related, but ultimately you are two different people leading different lives. Just like she can't live your life for you, you can't live her life for her. All you can do is express your disapproval and then let it go. She is still you mother when all is said and done.

[cmg1990]

I never once said that I wasn't going to support my mum in her decision. Obviously I am going to. But after seeing her at the brink of suicide, to see her go through that again will break me. And she also blames that part of her life on him as well. I was asking if anyone agreed with me as I thought maybe I was being irrational. But she expects me to be happy that she is going to marry a man that, only just over a month ago, she wished would get out of her life, said she didn't love him or have any feelings for him.

[pippy longstocking]

What a lovely relationship you both have , you sound like very good friends .

 

There isn't anything you can do .. anything you can say ... just like two friends , all you can do is be there if it all falls apart .

[ParisPaulette]

Well, I understand your dilemma. I've been through this a few times with people close to me and this is what I can tell you. In the end, you cannot fix other people's mistakes or lives for them. You can give advice, damn good advice even, but none of it matters if the other person won't listen or chooses to do something else. And most of us, myself included, have at one time or another chosen to go ahead with something others told us not to. And yes we learn the hard way that everyone was right, but still we had to see for ourselves.

 

Your mother will have to see for herself if it's a good idea or not. You can advise her, but after that simply tell her you love her regardless of her decisions and that you are there for her. It's really the best you can do.

[DancingFool]

I never once said that I wasn't going to support my mum in her decision. Obviously I am going to. But after seeing her at the brink of suicide, to see her go through that again will break me. And she also blames that part of her life on him as well. I was asking if anyone agreed with me as I thought maybe I was being irrational. But she expects me to be happy that she is going to marry a man that, only just over a month ago, she wished would get out of her life, said she didn't love him or have any feelings for him.

 

You are rational and your mother is making ridiculous choices. Unfortunately, you can't stop her from doing that. The suicidal thing, she sounds like she needs a good psychiatrist. In fact you might want to talk to one yourself, not that you need one, but so you can learn some ways and means and get some tools for yourself on how to handle your mother's behavior and what lines to draw with her before she drives you crazy and drags you down with her.

[lukeb]

You might be able to get people to agree with you, but very few would agree it is any of your business.

[cmg1990]

Ok thanks guys, as for it not being my business, I agree. But she makes it my business. Almost every week she asks for my advice. I give it but she doesn't listen so I don't see the point in her asking me anymore. We'll see what happens