PNW Dating

[LoveSoDeep]

I just moved to the Pacific Northwest and dating here feels totally different.

 

First - I thought with a huge tech industry that online dating would be a good place to start - WRONG! I get very few messages, when I write messages I get no response and if I am lucky enough to get a response or start up a convo they don't really have much interest in meeting IRL. Also I'm 37 and most of the messages I get are from men over 50 which isn't what I'm looking for.

 

Second - Guys don't hit on women. I'm not trying to be vain but I'm not bad looking, and in other large cities I get hit on just out on the street. Everything from cat calls to guys just asking for my number. Here, not only have I not gotten this, I haven't seen it al all. It's not just me I haven't seen a single woman get hit on out in public. Not that I like getting cat calls but it is flattering in a sense.

 

Third - People don't seem to be very outgoing. They don't want to strike up a conversation if alone and if they are with friends they will not leave that group of friends to chat up someone else.

 

Am I wrong? Am I just not going to the right places? Seriously, how does anyone meet anyone here?

[Andrina]

I would try link removed. If you're not familiar with it, you put in your geographic location and you can choose the types of groups you're interested in, and all of the meetup groups in the area will pop up. Men, of course, usually gravitate to the outdoor activity groups like hiking, bicycling, kayaking, etc. Good luck!

[BigKK]

You don't! You listen to punk rock music, drink coffee, and be sad!

 

 

 

Instead of relying on the internet and being approached on the street. Why not try to join a club that you're interested in, a hobby, or volunteer. Secondly, you can approach guys as well!

 

Lastly, I did hear a lot of that about the PNW but usually coming from men about women! All in all, I consider them generalizations and don't necessarily try to cast a blanket over a whole area.

[LoveSoDeep]

I would try link removed. If you're not familiar with it, you put in your geographic location and you can choose the types of groups you're interested in, and all of the meetup groups in the area will pop up. Men, of course, usually gravitate to the outdoor activity groups like hiking, bicycling, kayaking, etc. Good luck!

 

Good to know. I was wondering if Meetup was a good option here. In the city I moved from, Meetups were not so good, so I was hesitant. Although I did attend a meetup last weekend to watch a football game with local fans of a non-local team. there were lots of men there....most of them married (their wives were not fans of the team).

 

Its not really the season for outdoor activities but I'll keep that in mind. They also have a thing here called Underdog Sports where you can join a team for kickball or volleyball and lots of other sports. You can sign up as an individual (for a fee of course) and you just play with whoever they assign you to. Has anyone tired that route?

[BigKK]

If there is a sport you enjoy, or even mildly enjoy...definitely join! My girlfriend arrived to this city not knowing anyone and formed a pretty formidable friend group by simply joining a lot of social sport teams.

[annie24]

It sounds promising in a way. I don't think that cat calls and asking random women on the street for their number are particularly conducive to anything. I mean, yes, I see how it is an ego boost, but when you see a hot man on the street, would you ever yell something at him? And do you actually think that you would wind up dating him?? Obviously, no. Guys catcall women as a sport of sorts, but it's not very respectful behavior. A guy on the street asking you for the number only means that he likes how you look, he doesn't know ANYTHING else about you.

 

So, I think this is a better attitude of the PNW men you are describing. I agree with volunteering, meet ups, etc.... maybe write to some of these men you are interested in?

 

good luck!!

[ParisPaulette]

You don't! You listen to punk rock music, drink coffee, and be sad!

 

Ah! I see BigKK has been to Seattle. Just kidding, but seriously each city has its own personality and vibe so to speak. You just need to take a moment and find out what does get responses from people. Maybe making friends at work, going out to the gym, joining meetups and so forth will give you a better feel for what to do and how to meet people? Online dating, you might take a look at some other profiles of people similar to you and see what they're saying or doing that is getting responses.

 

I know when I moved from Southern California to New Mexico I was more than a bit unnerved by how friendly and familiar people here were. I kept looking for ulterior motives and there simply were none. It takes a bit of time to learn the culture and personality of your particular city or region, but just keep at it. You'll get there.

[LoveSoDeep]

You don't! You listen to punk rock music, drink coffee, and be sad!

 

 

 

Instead of relying on the internet and being approached on the street. Why not try to join a club that you're interested in, a hobby, or volunteer. Secondly, you can approach guys as well!

 

Lastly, I did hear a lot of that about the PNW but usually coming from men about women! All in all, I consider them generalizations and don't necessarily try to cast a blanket over a whole area.

 

Hehe! If that's what I'm supposed to do I'm doomed....I'll never pull off the sad hipster persona.

 

I'm not saying I'm going to rely on Online dating or being approached in the street. Obviously seeing how that works here that would be useless. I'm just not sure where to start because I am new to the area. I have signed up to volunteer at a Arts Theater near by but there haven't been any open shifts that I was available for yet.

 

I will approach guys and start up a convo. I have no problem with that but if the guy is too shy to ask for my number he's gonna lose out. I'll lose attraction if he can't get his balls out of his purse long enough to even kinda sorta ask me out....even if it is very awkwardly asking for my number. If he doesn't ask it won't happen...that's just how I am. So I may have a tough time here because I hear there are a lot of introverts looking for love here.

[LoveSoDeep]

It sounds promising in a way. I don't think that cat calls and asking random women on the street for their number are particularly conducive to anything. I mean, yes, I see how it is an ego boost, but when you see a hot man on the street, would you ever yell something at him? And do you actually think that you would wind up dating him?? Obviously, no. Guys catcall women as a sport of sorts, but it's not very respectful behavior. A guy on the street asking you for the number only means that he likes how you look, he doesn't know ANYTHING else about you.

 

So, I think this is a better attitude of the PNW men you are describing. I agree with volunteering, meet ups, etc.... maybe write to some of these men you are interested in?

 

good luck!!

 

I agree....these behaviors are not to be applauded. No of course I wouldn't do it to men and I wouldn't expect it to work...and I don't think they do either. I'm just saying that men don't seem to be as outgoing as many of the other major cities where guys will just walk up and ask you out b/c if they don't they may never see you again....and yes it's all about looks, but they have to start somewhere. Men are very visual so if they like how you look then they ask you out to get the chance to see if there's more. And women will often do the same when decided to accept a date or not. I think that's how 90% of dating actually starts.

 

Ah! I see BigKK has been to Seattle. Just kidding, but seriously each city has its own personality and vibe so to speak. You just need to take a moment and find out what does get responses from people. Maybe making friends at work, going out to the gym, joining meetups and so forth will give you a better feel for what to do and how to meet people? Online dating, you might take a look at some other profiles of people similar to you and see what they're saying or doing that is getting responses.

 

I know when I moved from Southern California to New Mexico I was more than a bit unnerved by how friendly and familiar people here were. I kept looking for ulterior motives and there simply were none. It takes a bit of time to learn the culture and personality of your particular city or region, but just keep at it. You'll get there.

 

Yeah I have peeked at other profiles...and at first I thought saying I was new here would help and then I decided maybe they are sick new people saying "show me around!" The thing is I can never be sure if the other profiles are any more successful than mine is. As far as the other stuff. Most of the people I work with are much younger than I am and married or coupled up....they don't just hang out they want to go home to their family/ SO or they want to go to clubs. They are trying to start a soccer team which I have said I will join even though I stink at the sport. If they get enough interest it won't start for a few weeks yet.

 

I think moving here was just the opposite for me. I came form an area where people were super nice and outgoing and here they are all nice....but very shy and keep to themselves.

 

If there is a sport you enjoy, or even mildly enjoy...definitely join! My girlfriend arrived to this city not knowing anyone and formed a pretty formidable friend group by simply joining a lot of social sport teams.

 

Thanks I'll try that. I stink at sports in general but I'm sure it will be fun.

[Rosti87]

Regarding looks. I have lived in various parts of America and I find that there are regional trends when it comes to attraction. If region is very outdoorsy they are attracted to outdoorsy looks. If it is more beach oriented the attraction is more physical form. If it is more 'urban' it is put together type of look that appeals. You will have to find your niche within where you live of men of your liking. That will take a while.

[LoveSoDeep]

Regarding looks. I have lived in various parts of America and I find that there are regional trends when it comes to attraction. If region is very outdoorsy they are attracted to outdoorsy looks. If it is more beach oriented the attraction is more physical form. If it is more 'urban' it is put together type of look that appeals. You will have to find your niche within where you live of men of your liking. That will take a while.

 

This is probably true to some degree. However, I tend to think that in any big city there should always be enough variability that all types will have a match somewhere. While there may be more guys who like one look in certain area there will always be guys who like that they like. For me I'm very petite....for some guys not matter what I wear or how I do my hair and make-up I just may never interest them. I don't think you're suggesting I change up my physical style to appeal to what they like....but short of that I guess I just really have to be me and get out there more and hope I run accross guys somewhere who like my type.

 

Which means, I have to get out more.

[appies]

I agree that men are less forward with hitting on women in the PNW. Cat calling is seen as disrespectful.

 

That being said, there are many great men but you have to set yourself up to meet them. Many people are outdoor enthusiasts or into healthy living, so if you want to meet quality people your best bet is to join an activity.

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree that men are less forward with hitting on women in the PNW. Cat calling is seen as disrespectful.

 

That being said, there are many great men but you have to set yourself up to meet them. Many people are outdoor enthusiasts or into healthy living, so if you want to meet quality people your best bet is to join an activity.

 

Honestly, thank goodness people here find cat calling disrespectful....I agree, it is. It just kinda hit me the other day how that sort of thing doesn't seem to happen here. I'll get used to it....then I'll go other places and just be appalled. lol

 

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. I'm looking into some meetups and sports I can join as an individual. Hopefully that's a good start.

[Rosti87]

This is probably true to some degree. However, I tend to think that in any big city there should always be enough variability that all types will have a match somewhere. While there may be more guys who like one look in certain area there will always be guys who like that they like. For me I'm very petite....for some guys not matter what I wear or how I do my hair and make-up I just may never interest them. I don't think you're suggesting I change up my physical style to appeal to what they like....but short of that I guess I just really have to be me and get out there more and hope I run accross guys somewhere who like my type.

 

Which means, I have to get out more.

I did not suggest changing anything. Like you said you have to get out there and find your niche.

[Ms Darcy]

I was going to suggest meetup too. If it's active in your area, it's a great place to start.

[LoveSoDeep]

I was going to suggest meetup too. If it's active in your area, it's a great place to start.

 

Yes. There are lots of meetup groups here. I was just wondering if they were any good. Like I said where I lived previously there were plenty of meetup groups but they weren't great, and some of them didn't even feel safe. Since I'm new here and going it alone, I'd like to make sure these are at least safe before I dive in.

[happpybear]

Your new city sound exactly like mine--though I live in Canada, not on the coast. But ya, men don't really approach much, and people are not all that friendly with strangers, most people have their faces buried in their "devices" and don't notice people around them. So I feel your pain.

 

I joined meetup groups for 30-somethings, social groups that had a good mix of activities, and also 30-something singles groups.--I wanted to meet men (and women to make new friends) that were in my age range, I look young and didn't want to attract 20-something dudes. I went to a few of the singles mixers. What I noticed, was that many of the men that also attended were older than 39. They joined the 30-something groups to look for younger women. I met several guys like this and it bugged me, because I was looking for 30-something men...not 45 year-olds, and they were lying...but anyway, just something to watch out for if you join a age-based group. I did meet men this way, but not a lot--it may be really different for you.

[LoveSoDeep]

Thanks! yeah this is kinda what I'm worried about. I guess all I can do is try and if the group is not all it's cracked up to be I don't go back. Nothing ventured nothing gained - I need to just keep telling myself that.

[LoveSoDeep]

Update (because I know you are all dying to know lol):

 

I went to a couple meet-ups.

 

One was a Superbowl party...the guy I sat next to was unusually gruff and I thought "okay then this isn't working" until his gf came and took the chair in between us and she asked me a couple questions and found out he was from and hour north of the town I moved here from and we went to the same college (over 10 years apart but still). After that I had a fun time but didn't meet anyone who I really hit it off with.

 

The second was a "newbie mixer" happy hour event. People were much more outgoing here guys and girls and there were some people that weren't exactly newbies, but also some people from all over the world. Strangely I seemed to always find myself in groups of international people. I was asked for my number from at least 3 men from India....all nice guys but really not guys I could see myself dating. then there was a guy who only seemed to want to talk to me when other guys were talking (like he was jealous or something) and he didn't even ask for my number. lol Then there was a nice Australian guy who stuck around the group I was chatting with for quite some time and even accompanied me to the bar a time or two (and would place his hand on my arm or the small of my back as we walked away from the group or back to it) I think he was going to buy me a drink but the bartender beat him to the fact that I had a tab already open. Well after the even was closing down another guy suggested some of us go to another bar the Australian guy seemed happy to go but I wasn't too sure then I think the other guy ordered a taxi and I went to say goodbye to someone and "poof" they were both gone. I couldn't remember correctly the name or address of the place so I went home. I was kinda bummed that he didn't get mu number.

 

The next day I got a message from him through Meetup! he had searched me out and apologized for disappearing. He thought I was all up to speed on where they were headed and I'd meet them there. We exchanged numbers and he asked what my plans were for the next couple days. He works an odd schedule so Sunday night seemed to work for us but I have a TV show I love to watch and didn't want to miss a new episode so he suggested we watch together as he love the show too. I was hesitant...invite the guy over or go to his place right off the bat....but I suggested we watch in the common area of my apartment building instead of in my unit and he was fine with that. So he brought over a bottle of wine and we watched a couple shows actually. There was obvious chemistry...even from when we first met.

 

So we've texted a little back and forth since then but like I said he works an odd schedule right now and is going out of town the next 2 weekends. For now I guess I just assume that if he wants to see me...he'll say something. Although part of me thinks I should at least say I'd like to see him again...just to put it out there...but since I know that's not really possible at least until after this first trip I'll hold off.

 

Then there's a guy form match that I'm supposed to meet this week...he's nice but he lives quite far outside the city...which just seems like it could get old rather quickly....but hey I'm willing to give it shot. I suppose if he's the perfect man the distance won't matter.

[janut1]

I almost fell over when you said this ^^

 

Not to be mean but....you would rather watch a TV show then go out with him? Thats a bit sad. You can always record it or watch it on demand/netflix/ hulu. If I was him, I would of thought wow a TV show is more important then meeting me? Big turn off to me. JMO

[Batya33]

I tend to agree with what Janut wrote -I'm glad he was willing but in today's world it just doesn't fly (my mother made my father wait till a commercial to propose -it was a surprise - but that was in the 50s....).

[LoveSoDeep]

I almost fell over when you said this ^^

 

Not to be mean but....you would rather watch a TV show then go out with him? Thats a bit sad. You can always record it or watch it on demand/netflix/ hulu. If I was him, I would of thought wow a TV show is more important then meeting me? Big turn off to me. JMO

 

Oh, no that's not at all what I said. I did not at any point even suggest to him that watching the show would have trumped doing anything with him. He asked what my plan was for that evening and I told him it was to watch this particular show because that was my plan (and btw I don't have DVR or netflix or hulu or any of those things right now but that's beside the point) and I mentioned that it was one of my favorite shows. It's not like I said I wouldn't miss it for anything and we should meet up another time.

 

So because I had an interest in watching the show and he is also a fan he offed that we watch it together. He actually never offered anything else. Had I said I had no plans at all for the night he may have suggested we meet out somewhere and given his work schedule after work for him and after the show for me might have been an okay compromise....although I didn't know that at the time.

 

ETA: I see how it might seem that way from the way it's written but that isn't how it happened....and that's not what's important anyway! lol

[Batya33]

Oh ok! Did you love Downton Abbey?? ;-)

[LoveSoDeep]

I tend to agree with what Janut wrote -I'm glad he was willing but in today's world it just doesn't fly (my mother made my father wait till a commercial to propose -it was a surprise - but that was in the 50s....).

 

Yep I get it. I wasn't 100% clear. I never told him that I didn't want to miss the show. I told him I had planned to watch it and that I was a big fan. I actually only told him that was my plan to see if he was also a fan of the show. Turns out he was and right off the bat he suggested we watch it together.

 

If he had suggested something else and it happened to be during the show I probably would have accepted. I'm sure they show the episode again during the week.

[LoveSoDeep]

Oh ok! Did you love Downton Abbey?? ;-)

 

Hehe! No that is a good show though. We both enjoyed The Walking Dead.