Frankly...

[csdude55]

I don't know how you guys do it. In the last month:

 

1. I've been dumped by the love of my life

 

2. I had a girl ask me out on a date then stand me up

 

3. I had a girl tell me to my face that she really likes me, then stopped replying to my texts

 

4. Had the aforementioned love of my life start texting me again, just to disappear after the initial "hey"... "how are you" texts

 

It's just too freakin' much. My whole life is an emotional rollercoaster now, going from happy and confident, to disappointed and sad, back to happy and confident, back to disappointed and sad, all within the space of hours!

 

I've only been on the market for a month, and I'm sick and tired of the confusion and mind games. I'm going hermit-mode, stocking up on Ramen noodles, and saying to heck with everybody.

 

(Sigh. OK, rant's over. I feel better now.)

[SometimesShy]

This sounds like a lot of fickle women who do not know what they want. ( I had that in my 20's, and am so glad that part of my life is over )

[Doofus]

This sounds like a lot of fickle women who do not know what they want. ( I had that in my 20's, and am so glad that part of my life is over )

 

This. Many women that age have way too many options and way too little maturity.

 

Hang in there: It gets better.

[testcase]

Still goes on post 20s. You have to grow thick skin and get used to it cause it happens a lot. It sounds like maybe you aren't ready to be dating? Don't get me wrong... I'm in no position to suggest that given my history. I've just heard breaks can do some good.

[csdude55]

That's the thing, man. There's not a whole lot that I like about myself, but I do like my emotionally expressive side. And I can feel it getting slowly squashed by the constant turmoil. I don't want to go back to being the tougher, somewhat colder guy that I used to be, but I can feel him creeping his way back in.

[Rosti87]

OP,

 

Maybe it is time to take a long break from dating and pursue other interests. You may not have taken enough of a break from the love of your life. If memory serves I think you are the guy that like 20 somethings. If I am correct about the 20 somethings then you are in a Russian Roulette situation with maturation levels. Some 20 somethings have their emotional stuff together and other just don't.

 

After your break see if you can work on your ability to read red flags early on so you don't torture yourself with hope that gets you nowhere fast.

[weathergirl]

I don't really have an answer for ya... but....

 

((hugs)) cause dating sucks!!

[csdude55]

Maybe it is time to take a long break from dating and pursue other interests. You may not have taken enough of a break from the love of your life.

 

Yup. The thing for me is, I'm just bored to death. I work 12-13 hours a day, but those other 4 hours a day I'm just reading, watching mindless TV, or posting on random message boards. Give me 2-3 days of that, and I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.

 

The idea of "hobbies" is all fine and dandy, but I don't really have any interest. The outdoor activities I like (kayaking, snowboarding, etc) require friends that I don't really have. That's why I turn to talking to people... who then turn in to romantic interests.

 

 

If memory serves I think you are the guy that like 20 somethings. If I am correct about the 20 somethings then you are in a Russian Roulette situation with maturation levels. Some 20 somethings have their emotional stuff together and other just don't.

 

Hrmm, I wouldn't say that I "like" 20 somethings, per se. It just so happens that 20 somethings are the ones that have approached me, and there's not exactly a plethora of attractive, single, active women my age in my area

 

 

After your break see if you can work on your ability to read red flags early on so you don't torture yourself with hope that gets you nowhere fast.

 

Maybe. I just worry about becoming a guy that bails on a relationship at the first sign of trouble.

 

But I really don't think anyone could have seen red flags on these. How does a girl tell me (in person) that she really likes me on Friday, then texts me on Saturday to say "Yayy !! I'm so glad you came to see me!". Then after I send her a "Hey!! Whatcha doin?" text on Sunday, she's never to be seen again?

 

It's just all very frustrating. Like you said, I would like to have a nice platonic break, I just wish it wasn't so dang boring.

[Willywagtail]

I don't think you need a platonic break. You just need to get active in life.

 

Go out with you friends, go to movies, listen to music - get yourself out and about. Women are everywhere, and each person you meet has a sister or a female friend or whatever.

 

I suggest to not go out with the specific objective of 'scoring'. Go out with the specific objective of meeting people you like and who have similar interests.

 

It's hard because you've got to create it yourself! I can totally relate to this and it is hard work sometimes - particularity when you'd rather hide under the bed covers or be a couch potato.

[Ms Darcy]

Wasn't the love of your life married? I really do think that your approach needs some improvement.

[csdude55]

FWIW, Gollum, I've never in my life gone out with the objective of "scoring". And of these 3 women that I mentioned... all 3 approached me, not the other way around. Which makes it even more confusing and disheartening. It's clear the problem is with my personality, I just don't know what it is.

 

I'm about an inch away from just hiding in my shell, though. If a girl were to approach me right now, I'd probably shoot her down pretty quickly with the thought of, "why bother, she's just going to ditch me, anyway".

[csdude55]

Wasn't the love of your life married? I really do think that your approach needs some improvement.

 

No, never married. But she did have children with another guy. When she and I connected romantically they were broken up, but they did end up getting back together (her words, "for the kids").

[bulletproof]

 

The idea of "hobbies" is all fine and dandy, but I don't really have any interest. The outdoor activities I like (kayaking, snowboarding, etc) require friends that I don't really have. That's why I turn to talking to people... who then turn in to romantic interests.

 

This is kind of a cop-out, and probably a big part of your problem. Everybody has interests, you just have to figure out what they are and pursue them. And last I checked kayaking and snowboarding didn't require friends. You can go on your own or look for/start a meetup group, or join a team, or take a class in anything you're interested in.

 

Just using women for company because you're bored with your own life will probably lead to unhealthy relationships. And it will definitely lead to you being devastated by small things like someone not texting you back.

[csdude55]

This is kind of a cop-out, and probably a big part of your problem. Everybody has interests, you just have to figure out what they are and pursue them.

 

And last I checked kayaking and snowboarding didn't require friends. You can go on your own or look for/start a meetup group, or join a team, or take a class in anything you're interested in.

 

Suggestions? Keep in mind that I'm in a relatively rural area, so options are somewhat limited.

 

I sit on several non-profit boards and committees, I plan several community events, and I'm active in a thousand ways. But those are all 8-5 activities, and are related to my job.

 

After hours, I go to art openings (once a month in my area) and the occasional wine-tasting or beer-tasting dinner (3 or 4 times a year in my area). These are far and few in between, though.

 

Kayaking isn't an option in the winter, and it's pretty boring alone. Snowboarding is an option, but it, too, is pretty boring alone... not to mention expensive and time consuming, so I can't do it every night, or even once a week.

 

Community college classes are an option, but most seem to cater towards the elderly. I don't see myself taking up basket weaving anytime soon! LOL

 

So, for real... any suggestions you have would be pretty awesome.

 

 

Just using women for company because you're bored with your own life will probably lead to unhealthy relationships. And it will definitely lead to you being devastated by small things like someone not texting you back.

 

Agreed.

 

The issue here is that most of my friends are female, mainly because I don't fit the local definition of "masculine"; I don't hunt, chew tobacco, or go country-western line dancing. I don't drive a truck, I don't have a beard, I don't shotgun cheap beer. I don't laugh at farts, I don't get in contests to see how far I can spit or urinate. I'm a neat, clean, professional 39 year old man that can easily pass for 28, and I'm emotionally expressive by nature so I've always fit in with women better than men.

 

So it's not that I'm seeking out women specifically, it's that women tend to be my core group. And of course, it's the single women in this core group that have approached me romantically, which is why it's pretty hurtful when they disappear; these women have known me for awhile and we've been good friends, so it's not like they're suddenly surprised by who I am or whatever.

[CraigHowes]

Hey CSdude I've seen you about and I'm going to give a different spin on things for you.

 

It seems like to me that what your lacking that's causing you to feel this way is a purpose in life. I.e. what are you here for. Hence why when these women flake out on you it hurts so much as what your looking for is them to give you value and a purpose.

 

You have to find what you love and 100% own your life and your situation your in. It's not our situation that defines who we are. It's our character and our will power to keep looking and not giving in that finds us.

 

Once you know who you are 100% people see it and are attracted to it. Whenever your unsure of yourself or where your going with life then it will push people away. It's the standard law of attraction.

 

Do you wake up every morning and let your situation control or do you wake up and go I'm living my life on my terms let's do this.

 

When you are focused on you these minor setbacks of rejection don't bother you as your stronger than the rejection and realise it has nothing to do with you and your value.

 

People are going to hurt us in life it's a part of life. If you fail 100 times and don't get back up what does that solve nothing. You have to get back up and keep fighting. Find that inner fire inside and keep doing what makes you happy and feel good.

 

Remember it doesn't matter what happens to us it's what we do about it that defines our success.

 

Take some downtime and become completely content and happy by yourself. True happiness comes from challenging ourselves and pushing our limits. Hiding away will make you worse.

 

In time you need to make yourself vulnerable and allow yourself to be hurt. The pain means your still alive and your journey isn't over yet. Like the saying goes it's better to have loved and lost than to of never loved at all. Not many people experience true love.

[csdude55]

To some degree, you're right, Craig.

 

Let me see if I can give you a quick summary of my life. I grew up very poor, very bullied, and in a home where my parents found 24/7. At an early age, my parents decided that the only way to make the marriage work was if they never saw one another, so one would work 1st shift, the other 2nd shift. So from around age 7, I would come home from school to an empty house, and was often alone until 11pm.

 

The financial problems, neglect, and bullying led me to be very demanding of myself. I technically started my first business at 16, and built my first real business at 19. I've been self employed for the wide majority of my life, and take pride in having a positive name in my community.

 

So to some degree, I feel like I've succeeded in life on this level. Someone recently asked me what my dreams were, and all I could say was that I'm living my dream, right now.

 

Approaching 40 years old, though, seeing my parents grow old and sickly, and thinking more and more about my own mortality, I've found myself in a position of saying, what's next? What's the real purpose of my life? What's my legacy? This was when I had to give serious contemplation to the fact that I didn't love my long-term girlfriend, would never want to marry her, and certainly didn't want kids with her. I've known this for a long time, but just never sat and thought it through; I've just kind of lived day to day, going through the easy motions.

 

So, this is where I am now. It's not that I have NO purpose in life, it's that I have a very clear purpose to which I'm dedicating the majority of my focus. I want to meet a woman that I love and that loves me, so that I can now start to build a family. I don't want just any woman, though. I don't want to be like my dad; I want to meet the right woman, so that my kids can experience the loving family that I never had.

 

I do recognize that Anna (the aforementioned "love of my life") was pivotal for me, because in the last 20 years, she's the first woman that I really connected with on a deep, emotional level. I know that no relationship is perfect, but she's the first woman, in my entire life, that I thought "I'd give it all up and marry her tomorrow". I never even joked about marriage with anyone else.

 

And while she did already have kids, that's not a dealbreaker for me. In fact, I've often thought that I might want to adopt a child (there's a lot to be said for helping a child in need). I do want children of my own, though, and she wanted to have at least one more child, so I could already envision the family with her that I'm wanting.

 

So the other two girls that I mentioned, the one that stood me up and the other that disappeared? They're irritating and hurt my feelings, even made me question my own prowess, but they're not devastating by a long shot. I'm just venting about them, really. But losing Anna... that was devastating. I've never connected like that with anyone (even the girl I lived with for 20 years), so I have to be practical and realize that the odds of me connecting like that with someone else are slim. Very slim.

[Ms Darcy]

How long were you dating Anna? Were you in a relationship?

[junebug123]

Hence why when these women flake out on you it hurts so much as what your looking for is them to give you value and a purpose.

 

You have to find what you love and 100% own your life and your situation your in.

 

Actually, op he's not a little correct. He is entirely right about his statement. You are not displaying traits of an alpha male and women can smell this a mile away. It took me a long, I mean a really long time to realize this about myself.

 

Most women in general, are not going to be interested, women are really picky and with good reason. They can get pregnant so they have to be careful about who they choose to pursue; otherwise they will get banged out a lot by random men using them for sex.

 

In fact, many of the complaints by females on this forum are about men who use them for sex, when they are looking for a relationship. Women, know that men are primarily after sex 80 - 90 percent of the time, and some men aren't very good at concealing this information. Primarily younger women, because they are sought after much more and demand is very high for their attention.

 

You saying hi, or just texting a women or looking at her indicates to her that you want sex. She knows, she has a very powerful intuition she can sense your intent without even realizing it. Many women will probably deny some of the statements i made because most of this thought processing happens on a subconscious level.

 

My suggestion, find happiness in other areas of your life and learn to pick up on how much a women is reciprocating in your interactions. Chances are, if her interest level is low, then she won't reciprocate that much and the best thing to do is move on rather than investing all this emotional energy and getting disappointed. Alpha males have very high self confidence and view themselves as the prize, if a women isn't interested then, it her lose and he will move on to others which are worth his valuable time.

 

Compare your interactions with new women to those who you've been with before. Is she smiling, is she reaching out to you, or is she treating you like a friend and giving you the cheek. If she isn't in fact showing much interest, then pull away and allow her to chase you or just move on entirely.

[Sportster2005]

First things first. Get over/heal first from being dumped. If you don't complete this adequately the frustration will only worsen. Post in the break up forum for advise.

[reinventmyself]

When a relationship ends there is a void and it's your job to fill the void.

Trying to fill the void with another women rarely works because you are going about it for the wrong reason.

 

It's karma or at the very least a subconscious message you are putting out there.

When you are finally content and your life is full you automatically become more attractive.

 

I have been thru this more times than I care to count and have the same results.

I know post breakup it's my job to fill that void.

It's really lonely and painful at first but then when I least expect it my life is so full I am not sure how I would fit a relationship into it.

 

When I am in a better place and I go about dating, it's for entirely different reasons. I make better choices and I (hope) I give off that vibe that I am content, I have a lot to offer, my confidence is high and I will be selective about who I let in my life because I don't necessary need them to fill that void or make me happy.

I am happy either way, with or with out.

Yes, my life would definitely be enriched by sharing it with someone, the right one . but it's not the end all.

 

Take a break. . It's hard but soooo worthwhile.

You've only been out of relationship for a month. .You should be on restriction!

Honestly if I met some one like you and told me your timeline I wouldn't date you because I would think it's the bandaid you may be more interested in . . not necessary ME

 

Don't date until you fill that void. . however it may be.

[csdude55]

How long were you dating Anna? Were you in a relationship?

 

Oh, the whole thing was complicated, MsDarcy. We were platonic friends for a long time, which turned in to close friends, which turned in to a love connection. From our first official date to the end was only a few weeks, but it's hard to determine a day that the relationship actually started.

 

She said "I love you" for the first time about 4 months ago, so if I had to pick a day for it to have started, I guess that would be it.

 

 

Actually, op he's not a little correct. He is entirely right about his statement. You are not displaying traits of an alpha male and women can smell this a mile away. It took me a long, I mean a really long time to realize this about myself.

 

I understand what you're saying, I'm just not sure that I agree that it applies to me.

 

In my day to day life, I do come accross as a strong Alpha, there's no question about that. I drive a very classy car, I wear suits to work, people call me "Mr. XXXXX" and "sir" when they meet me, etc. I know that my persona doesn't really match my personality, but the two girls I mentioned in this thread have known me for several months, so that shouldn't be a surprise. They've seen me in suits, but they've also seen me in my favorite goofy $6 T-shirts.

 

In the most recent blow-off, I feel like I was pretty on-point. She wanted me to come see her at work Friday night, so I did (but not for too long; I stayed around long enough to drink a coffee). She kept coming to talk to me, laughed at everything I said, told me that she "really likes me a lot", and before I left she gave me a quick hug (quick so her boss wouldn't see).

 

Late that night, she sent me a text saying "Yayy !! I'm so glad you came to see me!". The next day, I replied with "Hey!! Whatcha doin?" I haven't heard from her since.

 

I realize that my reply could have been more aggressive; eg, "Let's go out tonight, just you and me". But I don't think it was so beta that it took her from being that affectionate to having 0 interest at all.

 

I completely agree with the rest of your post, though, Delacrank.

 

Sportster and reinvent... totally agree. I mentioned before that this was my intention all along, had these girls not approached me. It's hard to tell an attractive girl that you've known for awhile that you don't want to go out with her when she asks. I'm pretty sure that I've run out of girls that would have expressed interest, though, so after a break it will be up to me to do the pursuing.

[junebug123]

Late that night, she sent me a text saying "Yayy !! I'm so glad you came to see me!". The next day, I replied with "Hey!! Whatcha doin?" I haven't heard from her since.

 

It could be that she's talking to other men. Women are constantly be chased after by several men at once. Some get more play then others based on her needs at the time and eventually she will choose the one she is most interested in. Generally, the more elusive or mysterious a man is, the more she will think about him. 90% of the men she deals with will pursue her, the ones who remain neutral will be seen as 'different' or 'confusing' making her think more about the 10% (why isn't he pursing me, I'm not used to this).

 

You could have texted back, "Yeah, lets do it again sometime." and leave the ball in her court. Either way, the ball is in her court and now it's your job to keep putting yourself out there and make yourself more available to other women instead of beating yourself up over 2 girls. Think of it as a challenge instead of defeat, 'okay i tried my luck with them, what's next?'.

 

Men tend to me more engaged and excited when they have a women who properly motivates them.

 

However, i do agree with with others are saying about giving yourself time to heal. Maybe it will be fun to experience being single for a while. Either way, you will have to learn on your own how to best cope with this situation. Some people use rebound sex to cope with breakups, while others go into shutdown mode for months.

 

Personally, i have found that dating or not dating doesn't change long it takes you to get over someone. I have gone both routes and found that in the end its all the same in terms of how long it will take you to heal. You can date many women and have a lot of sex or date no one, it doesn't make much of a difference; in the end your mind is the one who makes the decisions.