Is this WORTH it to end my committed relationship? I am still being analytical

[HisPresence]

First of all, I'm sorry for my bad grammars English. English is not my native language, and sorry for the long post.

 

Me and my boyfriend have a good relationship. We both are two Financial Independent adults in our late twenties. And when two Financial Independent people get together, we Don't 'Need' each others but we togther simply because we "Want" to be with each others.

I have no problem end it with him right now because I have my own job, my own place, my own car. I pay for my own bills, I pay for my own everything, and I don't use his money.

Same to him, he have his own full time job, and he also pay of for his own things.

The relationship is it full of fidelity on both physical and emotional level. There is no third party between us.

 

Problem is few days ago my boyfriend's childhood friends; some his childhood friends got arrested for transporting and possession of cocaine, heroin and meth. This is hardcord drugs here, Not the simple marijuana stuff.

My boyfriend was at work at that time, so I know he have nothing to do with his childhood friends get arrested.

For sure he's at work, because he call me from work everytime when he on break. And I can tell from the background sounds that he is at work, no doubt about this.

 

As usual he drive back from work, and spend time with me and eat. Then he got a phone call from another friend of his who let him know about his childhood friends got arrested for posesssion and transporting hardcord drugs.

I overheard the conversation so I got very worried. And he was honest to me, he tell me exactly what happened about his friends. He said they got arrested for transportation and selling cocaine, heroin and meth.

They also got charges for Felony drugs crime. This is serious, because they going to be facing Jail time.

 

Obviously I'm very worried and I have reason to be, this is Hardcore drugs his childhood friends is doing here.

He rest assure me. He said he will not get arrested because he doesn't do drugs. There is No drugs in his body, or in his blood stream. He also doesn't possession drugs. There no drugs on him, there no drugs in his car, nothing for the police to find.

I do believe he honest with me because I'm his girl, and know his body smell too well. If there any different or drugs smell on his body, I would notice immediately.

 

I am just trying to analytical as much as I can, and I believe he is not doing drugs because:

We see each others everyday, and we sleep in the same bed. I never smell drugs on his body, never see it on his clothes, or on his skin.

I been inside his car many times, so I know he doesn't have drugs in his car. Also, I do his laundry, so I know there no drugs on his clothes neither.

Marijuan smell is very strong, this I can definitely smell this on his body, but never I smell any.

Cocaine there is no smell; but if he do concaine, I would have see white substances on his clothes, or finger nails. I'm pretty sure he didn't sniff any, because if there any in his nose, I would see it.

 

And he have a full time job, he works alot. So he doesn't have time to hang around with his childhood friends much. However he do keep in touch with his chidlhood over the phone very often.

His job is strict, they do Criminal backgorund check, as well as check for DUI, and give him Drug test. And employer company still give random drugs test without telling their employee ahead of time, and my boyfriend Pass it all.

He have no criminal records, no DUI, pass all drugs test. So this further make me believe that he right now do not have drugs in his system.

 

My BF said he is Not Dumb, and asked me to trust him. He said he knows that his friends do hardcore drugs, that is why he Never go into his friends cars. He also Never let his friends go to his car. He Does NOT share rides with them.

He promise me that when he hang out with them watching NFL Football, if they start doing drugs, he would leave their place. He rest assure me, he said he knows how to protect himself.

 

He said he was aware that his friends do hardcore drugs, but he were Not aware that they transporting it.

He said they don't tell him their drugs activities. Things like this his friends don't share with him, because he is not a part of their druggie group.

Then I get curious and asked why they hang around with him when he doesn't do drugs? He said they still hang around, because they are childhood friends that grow up together. They know each others all their life, and his friends trust him for not selling them out just because he saw them do drugs. Okay, perhaps what he say make sense.

 

I think it pretty safe to say my BF is not doing drugs, unless he can HIDE it really well.

I can't be unreasonable and keep accuse him; unless I see or smell drugs on his body, or caught him red handed with drugs. Even with the police, they need to have solid proof before they can do anything.

 

I don't believe in changing a man. I accept him for who he is, and he have the rights to hang around with whatever 'types' of friends that he wants.

But what bothering me is few days ago his chidlhood friends got arrested for transpotting/possessuib Hardcore drugs here.

I will Not ask him to stop hanging around with other childhood. If I cannot accept his lifestyle, then I will just have to end this relationshp.

 

He is 29 already, and at this age I believe him when he said he won't let his chidlhood druggie friends pressure him into doing drugs.

But he keep hanging around with them; one day he will find himself in very complicated legal situation like 'guilty by association'

I know he doesn't do drugs; but if got busted, all his druggie friends as well as him will be charge with the same crime.

 

I am still being analytical, weighting the pros and cons. If it worth it for me end the relationship just because his childhood friends got arrested for drugs possession.

The key here, it wasn't him getting arrested. It was his friends that got arrested, and he got nothing related to their arrest.

He is a good BF, caring, loving; never cheats on me, and deeply committed.

But his circle of friends is making me feel unstable, and insecure. I am Not insecure about his love, I know he loves me. I am insecure because I don't know if one day if he going to get arrested just like his friends did. His circle of friends just Worrisome to me.

 

If you were in my situation, weighting all the pros an cons of this whole thing. Would you break up with him?

Please give me serious advice. Thank you so much, and I'm sorry for the long post. I have been worried for the past couple days, just worries and worries.

[CraigHowes]

What no i wouldn't break up with him. You've turned into a private detective rather than his girlfriend.

 

He doesn't do drugs simple as that and he has reassured you to the heavens that he doesn't.

 

Look if his friends all slept around and cheated all the time would that make him a cheater no it wouldn't. People have different values and morals, his is different to his friends.

 

If he just keeps in touch with them time to time and he wasn't in the car while they we're transporting then he's fine. This isn't murder he can't get locked up by association when he didn't know anything about it and wasn't there.

 

He sounds like a lovely man with his head screwed on. You can't control what your friends do. You can only control yourself.

 

Now stop over analysing and go and make up with your amazing boyfriend.

[HisPresence]

Thank you CraigHowes,

 

My boyfriend did say something similar to what you say. He said: he can't control what his childhood friends do, he only can control what himself do.

 

I understand when people say "Monkey see, monkey do". But I have no ground to accuse him when he pass all his Criminal background check, and all random Drugs test at his job, he pass it too.

 

He have no DUI, and he also is a Health freak. He went to the Gym regularly, and he doesn't even smoke a cigarettes, let alone marijuana.

 

I was fully aware of his druggie childhood friends, that he sometimes hang around with to watch NFL Football.

So when I first begin dating him; I told him my boundaries, I said no drugs if he wants to date me. He promise me no drugs, and he keep his promise eversince.

 

We have talk about this whole thing earlier; I was super stress out so I asked for some time to think if I want to continue the relationship.

And he said that it unfair that I'm thinking of giving him the death sentence of "Breaking up" just because of what his childhood friends do, something that the have no control over.

 

So far he have been a good BF, and keep his 'no drugs' promise with me.

He said he didn't cheat on me, he didn't do anything wrong in this relationship. So he think it not fair if I broke up with him just because of what his friends do.

 

And regarding his childhood friends (druggie or not) he grow up with them all his life, he can't just cut all ties with them, it understandable.

 

Not if this matter, he does have a rough childhood though. His father was in gang/drugs related, always in and out of jail and deceased. He grow up absorb and saw all this from his dad.

He said he knows the pain of growing up with not have a father around. So he swore not to follow his dad footstep, because he doesn't want to put his future children in the same pain like him in his childhood.

 

He rest assured me that he won't do anything to end up in jail, because he won't left his mother and me. After his dad deceased, all he have left is his mother.

So it safe to say that I can trust him that he won't follow his dad footstep right?

[Cadence44]

The problem here isn't your boyfriend. It is your anxiety and your inability to soothe yourself. Instead you are looking at your boyfriend to justify why you are feeling so anxious.

 

It is like working backwards from an emotion: "Hmm, I feel really uncomfortable and out of control. Why? Why? It must be because of my boyfriend. What has he done to make me feel this way?"

 

You feel anxious because you worry actions of his friends implicate him. This is a process that is happening all within your head. It does not represent reality. Stop bringing it into the real world as if it is reality and damaging your relationship.

 

Instead, recognize how you feel. Accept it, get yourself feeling better, but stop acting out externally as a way to try to make your internal self feel better.

[mhowe]

The problem doesn't lie with your bf....its you trying to tar and feather him because his friends were arrested. Lighten up.

[BigKK]

Based on your other threads, this isn't about your boyfriend...it is yet again about you.

 

You need to find a way to control your anxieties. You should get therapy and really self-examine. Whether it's this guy or the next, you're going to be over-analyzing everything and drive yourself nuts.

 

Why do you feel the need to worry so much? Are you possibly unhappy about yourself? It seems like you are very insecure and trying to find problems outside of yourself which do not exist...which in my eyes means you're not content about yourself.

[HisPresence]

BigKK,

I am happy and content with myself. It just that I am being analytical. If I am so insecure, I wouldn't be denfending him so much in my original post above. I am being as much analytical as I can, perhaps overly analytical.

 

I don't want to go into details of what type of environment we living in; or go into details about his rough childhood or his background, or his street life. But I can tell you one thing, where we live at, there are random gang shooting going on here.

 

I don't see how can any girl not feel insecure if they dating a guy like my BF. Unless they don't love him, therefore they don't care about his safety.

This insecurity is not about his love; but it about him putting himself in dangerous situation by hanging around with the wrong crowd; such as drugs dealers, and gangster.

 

I understand that he have alot of 'street smart' that he know how to protect himself from his street friends, and I do trust him. But he is putting himself in danger here. We are talking about his childhood friends trafficking/possession Hardcore drugs here: Cocaine, Meth and Heroin!! Don't get it mixed up with the simple weeds stuff.

 

He could potentially get himself caught in the crossfire. Either by being arrested or getting caught in the middle of a shootout, just because he's at the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

You might not think his street friends such as drug dealers, and gangster is a big deal; but it is a big deal to me. Especially when where we live is full of violence, and random shooting.

 

I am feeling like I'm walking on eggshell to be with him. I'm living this relationship day by day.

I don't know if he still would still be here with me tomorrow, or if he going to get himself tangle up in a complicated legal situation.

 

The more I love him, the more worries I get. The more I love him, the more I don't want to lose him, and his street life style is not helping me feel secure.

Yeah, sure he got a full time job alright. But then he also have alot of street friends too, friends that are from drug dealers to gangster.

I know for sure he himseft is not doing drugs or involved in gang. But it just the type of 'friends' he have is WORRISOME!

[ParisPaulette]

So are these childhood friends people he currently hangs out with and how often? Why does he hang out with them, how do they act when he's with them, have you ever met them? And how many friends are we talking here--two or ten? Did your boyfriend know they were transporting (part of the dealing circle rather than just recreational use) of these drugs before they got arrested? Or is this a total and complete surprise to him? What are his plans now for these friends? To keep on seeing them as if nothing were wrong, to support them, or to distance himself understanding their lifestyle could seriously impact his.

 

These are important questions you need to be asking yourself and him. If it's one or two people he sees in a large crowd of friends, and the entire group is upset and ready to bounce the friends in question unless they get serious help, then I would say don't worry about this. If these are people he sees on a regular basis, he knew about their dealing, and yet he chooses to support them and look the other way then it's a whole other situation entirely.

 

I would have no problem with the first, but I would have a problem with the latter scenario simply because that would make someone guilty of the whole "for evil to flourish all that is necessary is that good men do nothing." People can talk all they want about how a friend doesn't do it front of them or involve them, but the fact is if you're around someone doing hardcore criminal activity and you know about it you are if nothing else already guilty by association having known a crime was taking place that would hurt others. And done nothing to stop it or at least walk away, so you don't get caught in the inevitable crossfire that comes from leading a criminal lifestyle.

 

You need to determine which it is and decide what it is you want to do about it. Have a nonconfrontational serious conversation with your boyfriend, gather the facts, then take action.

[notalady]

I would not be comfortable dating or being in a relationship with someone who maintain drug dealer and gangster friends. As Paris said, if it's the odd one or two of them and the rest of the friends disapprove of it as well or trying to disassociate themselves with these "bad friends", I can accept that scenario. But if it's a whole group of friends like that, no I wouldn't be comfortable with it. Sure, he doesn't do drugs himself, but as you said, he could still get arrested if he was with these guys while they are carrying hardcore drugs, or being in their home when they hang out when it gets busted by cops, or get in the crossfire of a drug dealer/gangster shoot out. I'm sure he's street smart and knows how to navigate these situations, but to me, a better way is to just avoid potentially being in these situations all togeher.

 

So what can you do? I would suggest you lay out your concerns with him just as you did with us and acknowledge that even though you trust him and trust he can navigate through situations like that, wouldn't it be better to just not even risk being in those situations all together? Calmly reason with him with no accusatory tones. If he can't see your point of view and refuse to do anything about it, well you need to decide if you can live with this or not. If not then leave.

[HisPresence]

This is the whole problem, he will NOT stop hang around with his druggie childhood friends.

He is fully are of his childhood friends are doing drugs, yet he still hang around with them. Sure, he doesn't do drugs himself. But he acts like there is nothing wrong, and still choose to continue hang around with them.

 

Him being a smart ass think that he know how to keep himself out of legal trouble. Perhaps if one day he got arrested, then he will finally open his eyes and see that hanging out with the wrong crowd can indeed be fatal!

 

I really don't have much of a choice in this; rather accept him that he going to be continue hanging around with this type of friends or end the relationship. Which I don't know if it is worth to end the relationship over something that happened to his friends.

[notalady]

It's not over what happened to his friends, but about the implications of him continuously and regularly hanging out with druggie friends. The fact that he sees no problem with it and thinks he can get out of anything speaks to a differences in value between you two, also shows his lack of foresight and care, is that what you want in a man? Is that a quality you can live with?

 

I guess only you can answer the question of whether you can live with that and whether it's worth leaving a relationship for. For me, I would leave.

[Iggles]

This is the whole problem, he will NOT stop hang around with his druggie childhood friends.

He is fully are of his childhood friends are doing drugs, yet he still hang around with them. Sure, he doesn't do drugs himself. But he acts like there is nothing wrong, and still choose to continue hang around with them.

 

Count me in as another that see a huge problem with this.. Associating with druggies and people who sell drugs is not a good look. If they every get stopped or raided by police he will be lumped in with them.. Not to mention caught up in drug violence in the streets should his friends run into trouble with rivals.

[HisPresence]

He comes from a rough youth and upbringing, and despite all the temptations of gangs/drugs he has NOT joined them. And he is earning his money in an honest job. This sure says a lot about his strength of character. And I love him for that.

But he is stubborn. He think he have enough "treet smart" to deal with this, and think he knows how to stay out of trouble.

 

He promise that he won't go into their car, he also won't let them go in his car. So there no chance of them snitch drugs in his car.

He will stay outside in the open to talk to them. This is safe since obviously they can't bring drugs out to the open.

He won't let them go to his place. And if he over at their place to watch NFL Football; once he see them do drugs, he would leave.

 

He promise he won't do drugs with them. And he always keep his promise, proven that he passed all the random drugs test at his job.

He works as a Truck driver, he drive a huge truck too on the freeway. And we all know how strict company employer are with truck drivers. Truck company check throughly for criminal records, as well random drug and alcohol testing.

 

As much as I want to criticise him but I can't seem to find a valid ground to criticise; due to he have a clean background, No Criminal records.

He doesn't even drink, he have No DUI/No ticket for driving under alcohol influence.

He pass All random Drugs test that his employee company give. He doesn't even smoke a cigarette, so pretty much he is a Health freak.

 

Can anyone think of a reason that I can use to criticise him? Hopefully can wake him up so he can see that hanging put with the wrong crowd can possibily be fatal.

I love him so I spoil him. NEVER once I stop him from hanging out with his friends. But now I'm began to get worried after seeing his friends get arrested and throw in jail.

I feel that I'm unreasonable if I ask him to stop hanging around with his childhood friends. Those friends are the one he grow up with 30 years of his life.