abysmal Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I really could use some advice on what to do in this scenario. I have known this girl for about seven months now and it initially started out with a couple of dates over the summer where I could feel there was physical chemistry. When we're together we hold hands and she'll initiate physical affection quite often. We've cuddled before and such (her idea) and she has been receptive to kisses on the cheek. We've talked about physical intimacy in the very general sense and I told her that I am not looking for anything overly physical in a relationship ( I'm still a virgin). This is because I am timid and because I don't want to feel like I would be imposing if I were to take things to that level... I feel like I would be taking advantage of a girl If I were to emphasize physical relations. I was raised by a single mother and I want to be respectful toward women, I didn't explain it to her in this manner though. I have had opportunities to try... For example, she asked me to get undressed when we were cuddling and I refused. Anyways since we've had this talk she said we should just be friends and such and we've been kind of in limbo. I'm certain the dynamics changed since that conversation, she probably no-longer saw me as a romantic option, and thus her request to be friends. When we're together we pretty much act like a couple though, holding hands and being affectionate in public, and other customaries you see with couples, and she lets me know she misses me, etc. Now that I know her and since she'll be graduating this semester after moving close by to do student-teaching, I feel like the window of opportunity might be open... My question is, do I have the conversation letting her know that I want to try and see where she stands, or do I go for a bold move and kiss her and try to man-up and be more aggressive? I really care about this girl and I feel like it's worth a risk and I just don't know how to navigate. Thank you!! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Anyways since we've had this talk she said we should just be friends and such and we've been kind of in limbo. I'm certain the dynamics changed since that conversation, she probably no-longer saw me as a romantic option, and thus her request to be friends. Sorry hon, she's not interested. I think you should move on to other options. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I think if she was interested in you, she lost interest when it became clear that you are not ready for sex with her. It also sounds like you don't ever initiate physical contact, and are very passive and let her take the driver's seat all the time. I see where you're coming from with the respect for women thing, but you've got to find a balance between respecting women and treating them like fragile dolls. Even women who expect to be treated with respect also expect a man to be assertive. If I were dating a guy and he never once tried to initiate anything at all with me, and always let me take charge of everything, I'd lose interest too. (Also, FYI, it's not taking advantage of a girl to have sex with her if she initiates it, which it sounds like she was trying to do when she asked you to get undressed.) Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 You stated that you've known this woman for over 7 months. Were you dating her the whole time? How many months were the two of you in a relationship before you made the "not wanting to be physical" comment? It's not clear as to what you're status was with her during those 7 months. Link to comment
abysmal Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 You stated that you've known this woman for over 7 months. Were you dating her the whole time? How many months were the two of you in a relationship before you made the "not wanting to be physical" comment? It's not clear as to what you're status was with her during those 7 months.We were dating and testing the waters from late june until early august when she had to return to her college campus two hours away. From Sept-Dec we were pretty much on hiatus other than friendly texts every so often. I feel like I have a legitimate shot to rekindle her interest or to strengthen some sort of bond with her.. It is a perfect opportunity for me because this move back for her is permanent. I don't feel like it's too late to try, I just don't know how to discuss this with her or hint at it in the least awkward way. Thank you for the replies thusfar!! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 What makes you feel you have a shot? Did she say she is interested in more than friends? Link to comment
mbee Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Well before you take your shot... are you willing to have sex with her now? The sex clearly is important to her. Honestly, if I knew I wasn't going to have sex with a guy that I really liked... that would be a massive dealbreaker and a real turn off for me. If you are not ready to take it to the next level then DO NOT even try. Not only will you just repeat the cycle of disappointing her, but you'll be wasting your time. If you have developed stronger feelings and are ready to lose your virginity to her, or at least fool around, then yes, man up, kiss her and be aggressive. Show her you want her. Obviously start slow. Start by asking her out on a real date. Take her somewhere nice, impress her, reach to hold her hands, flirt, touch her and kiss... go from there. This will hopefully reignite the attraction. However, like I said, this is all pointless if you aren't ready to even have sex yet. If you aren't ready, then don't waste her time since that's the level of intimacy she is looking for in a relationship and clearly you are both incompatible if you can't go there with her yet. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 It is not disrespectful to what to have sex with your girlfriend. On the contrary, it's part of a normal healthy life. Women want to be respected and desired. These are not mutually exclusive. You will always be in the friend zone if you keep thinking like this. Yes go for a kiss. Don't talk about it and take all the excitement and mystery out of it. "For example, she asked me to get undressed when we were cuddling and I refused." If she just wanted to cuddle this was the right move, but not for the reasons you think. You're a man, not a teddy bear. If she wanted sex, you can start looking for another girlfriend. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 We were dating and testing the waters from late june until early august when she had to return to her college campus two hours away. From Sept-Dec we were pretty much on hiatus other than friendly texts every so often. I feel like I have a legitimate shot to rekindle her interest or to strengthen some sort of bond with her.. It is a perfect opportunity for me because this move back for her is permanent. I don't feel like it's too late to try, I just don't know how to discuss this with her or hint at it in the least awkward way. Thank you for the replies thus far!! Okay, there's still a chance. What time period (month) did you have this "physical" talk with her (during the buildup stage, or the hiatus stage)? Link to comment
manyworlds Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 My question is, do I have the conversation letting her know that I want to try and see where she stands, or do I go for a bold move and kiss her and try to man-up and be more aggressive? I really care about this girl and I feel like it's worth a risk and I just don't know how to navigate. Thank you!! What you should do depends on your values and boundaries. If you do not want to sleep with her, don't. Are you OK with kissing her? If so, go for it. If not, I'm afraid it's probably time to forget it. You could tell her how you feel and also discuss your values with her, and see what her reaction is, if she doesn't already know where you're coming from. Maybe you could go for the kiss, try to make it good! She may be really surprised, so much the better. Show her you have some animal instincts. Then, if you want, have the discussion about your values and your boundaries, whatever they are. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 " I told her that I am not looking for anything overly physical in a relationship" If you are not looking to have this progress into anything physical or romantic than that would be definition of being someone's friend. It sounds as if she was looking for more from you at the time and when it was clear it wasn't going to happen she moved on. Now that things have shifted are you reconsidering?. . you mention possibly being more aggressive? It appears that your window of opportunity may have passed and that the two of you have different values and are looking for different things. I wouldn't approach her unless you want to be her `friend' or are reconsidering your values. Link to comment
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