Anxiety around a new relationship - he has a big family crisis

[janut1]

I've been dating a man for 2 1/2 months and have really been enjoying his company. We laugh, have fun and talk every day. Everything was great until Christmas when he had a really bad family crisis with his 14 year old daughter. He did talk to me like normal every day after he found out. He talked about the issue and how he was feeling, and I was supporting him through this, until New Years Day when he just stopped.

 

I tried to reach out a couple of times and he didn't respond. On Monday I just couldn't stand the silence anymore and asked him if I could call him. He said Yes. So we talked about what is happening with them. He said he was sorry, but he is so upset and angry and really just needs time. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone and he said No. You can still text or call, but I might not reply. He said he was not angry with me and it has nothing to do with me, its just so painful for him dealing with this issue. Just give him time and he will call.

 

Understandably, this is a big big awful situation and I feel so badly. I have told him several times that I am here for him if he needs anything. He has not reached out. I am conflicted about how often to reach out. I texted him on Tuesday and let him know he was in my thoughts. I haven't reached out since as I think I need to just give him space and time.

 

Its just such a bummer. Things were going great with us, and then boom, this happens and everything is halted. I feel really sad, full of anxiety and abandoned to be honest. That is selfish, but I am human and I really miss our time together. I'm afraid that no contact means he will forget about me.

 

Has anyone experienced something like this in a new relationship? What is your opinion on reaching out to him? Should I just pray for him and hope he reaches out some day or should I text or call him once in a while? At first I was going to text him once a day, but then thought that might be too much. A friend of mine said he just doesn't want any other obligations in his life right now since he is dealing with this awful ordeal.

 

Any support, help advice is appreciated.

[sadchick83]

Do you know what is wrong with the daughter??

 

You can still text or call, but I might not reply. He said he was not angry with me and it has nothing to do with me, its just so painful for him dealing with this issue. Just give him time and he will call.

 

I think it is a sign that he is not that in to you. No matter what the crisis, he could at least respond to you in short answers. Surely the woman in his life deserves a fraction of his attention even during a crisis. He basically doesn't care what happens to you during this time. I would not wait around for this guy. I'd send him one last caring note and say that you are thinking about him and his daughter.

 

Go out, have fun, get your mind off this guy. If he comes back and you are still single, you may want to continue the relationship at that time.

 

There are quite a few men who have done disappearing acts on ENA of late. Job losses, family issues, etc. What is the woman supposed to do while waiting in limbo?? And they (the men) have all said they don't want contact during this time.

 

Forget calculating the math on how often you should respond. Go get your nails done and put him out of your mind.

[Iggles]

It really depends on how people are during a crisis/loss.. There's no one size fits all responses for daters. Some people want to pull people closer to them during times of need and their budding relationships can emotionally "fast-forward" as they lean on their new partner for support. This happened to a friend a mine, where her new partner suffered a close loss after just 1 month of dating. Instead of being ignored, it brought them closer together and they got engaged a few months down the road.

 

In your case, the guy you're dating is the type to push people away during difficult times. He may need to be alone or not want you to see him vulnerable and emotionally undone. The prognosis for your budding relationship does not look good.. Low contact as he has asked is the best course of action. Dial it back to a few texts a week instead of reaching out every day. Let him set the pace for increasing contact when he is ready. If this is too tough for you to deal with (sudden end of the honeymoon phase and new partner wanting unspecified amounts of space from you), then perhaps it's better to move on.

 

Good luck!

[reinventmyself]

I don't see where you have any other choice here but to carry on.

Your questions seem to be that of what to do to relieve your anxiety and it's understandable.

But at this point you need to figure out a way to comfort your own insecurities while at the same time respecting his request for time.

 

It's too soon to tell if his way of coping is a red flag as how he may handle stress further along with way while in a relationship.

2 1/2 mos is very new and he may be trying to do you a favor as to not expose you to his crisis.

 

This one is out of your hands. If it were me. . I may begin to dial back on the texting. . give him room to bounce back and meet you half way.

 

if he doesn't be grateful you found out early. .. I know that's not what you want to hear. . I'm sorry ;(

[janut1]

Thank you reinventmyself, I think your reply is exactly what I needed to hear. It is too soon in the relationship to know if this is a red flag. He does have issues with emotions and feelings from a long addiction to drugs. So there is more then I am saying here, which might help others understand that he is not a jerk, just gets overwhelmed easily. He said NO when I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone. I thought that was a good sign since he could of say YES please leave me alone. Perfect time to also tell me to take a hike too.

 

Yes, I do know exactly what happened to his daughter and it is awful. This is not something you just move on from and there is a lot going on with police and investigations right now.

 

I am not going to leave him yet. I will give him time and see what happens and dial back the texting and contact.

[reinventmyself]

come here when you feel low and wanting to text him . .we will chat you up all you want !

[janut1]

I talked to him tonight and he is a emotional mess. Here Im thinking he's okay cause he is posting on FB a couple times a week. NOT!!! Lots of self blame and anger and he is just not himself. He is blaming himself for all of this, and its just awful.

 

I feel better now, not that that makes sense at all, but hearing him cry, and just being totally raw tonight made me see that this is not because he isn't into me, its because he is suffering and most likely depressed. I think our relationship won't move forward at this time because he feels he needs to suffer because his daughter is. I just hope he finds that thats not true some day. Im of course still here for him if he needs me, but friends is all it can be for now. Time will tell.

[SoulTaker]

I talked to him tonight and he is a emotional mess. Here Im thinking he's okay cause he is posting on FB a couple times a week. NOT!!! Lots of self blame and anger and he is just not himself. He is blaming himself for all of this, and its just awful.

 

I feel better now, not that that makes sense at all, but hearing him cry, and just being totally raw tonight made me see that this is not because he isn't into me, its because he is suffering and most likely depressed. I think our relationship won't move forward at this time because he feels he needs to suffer because his daughter is. I just hope he finds that thats not true some day. Im of course still here for him if he needs me, but friends is all it can be for now. Time will tell.

 

It's tough, but there's not much you can do, only being with him for 2 1/2 mths. This might sound cynical, but you'll have to take into account that what's happening now, can happen in the future if the two of you progress further (daughter, how he handles adversity,...). His "needing to suffer" is not a good sign (doesn't appear to help the situation).

[sadchick83]

Thanks for giving more information about what happened to the daughter. It sounds like she was sexually assaulted? Or, was she robbed or beaten? Or did she get caught shoplifting? Or was she in an accident?

 

It's hard to give you advice without the details. If it was sexual in nature I can see why he might not want to be involved in a new sexual relationship himself.

[IAmFCA]

Agree with both sadchick and SoulTaker.

 

We can't judge how someone responds, we can only decide whether it is a response we can work with.

 

I would miss the intimacy of sharing the bad with the good. Sounds like you would too, and if that is true, you are making the right choice.

[janut1]

Thanks for giving more information about what happened to the daughter. It sounds like she was sexually assaulted? Or, was she robbed or beaten? Or did she get caught shoplifting? Or was she in an accident?

 

It's hard to give you advice without the details. If it was sexual in nature I can see why he might not want to be involved in a new sexual relationship himself.

 

Yes she was sexually assaulted by a family member. So sad and terrible as a father he feels he should of protected her, he is feeling like he let her down. Its not his fault of course, but he is blaming his past addiction and not being there for her then on what is happening now. He needs time to process this all. Im glad he goes to a therapist who I am sure will work through this with him. He kept telling me that he is not himself, and I asked him what that meant, and he said he is filled with anger and rage for this person who harmed his daughter. After last nights call I get it and realize that time is definitely needed.

 

Of course if I had to choose, I would prefer to have had this bring us closer. But he is dealing with it the way that he has to and that is not my call. I will keep him in my prayers and be here for him if he needs me.

[sadchick83]

Now that you explain that it was sexual assault (you might have mentioned this at the beginning of your thread) I can see why he would not want to be sexual at all during this time. I cannot imagine engaging in a new sexual relationship given my daughter was raped. It is disgusting and a big turn off. In addition to feeling guilty, he is probably embarrassed, so I can see why he would not want to introduce any new people into his world. At 2.5 months you are new. Now had you been with him for a year or so, he may not have pushed you away.

 

My guess, given his guilt is that he probably will be turned off of sex and will deprive himself of it for a while. You simply met him at the wrong time.

[janut1]

Update: He started to talk to me on a more consistent basis again and we saw each other last Saturday which was the first time in 2 months. That night he wasn't feeling well though and his stomach was cramping and I saw it was taking really odd shape and he was in major pain. He kept apologizing to me. The next day he was feeling worse, and next day even worse and so on. He finally went to the Dr, he has had medical issues with his stomach that are bad, I can't really talk about it here, but its really bad and it seems that maybe all the repair work is not working. SOOO, he texts me that his Dr said things are not looking good, he is nervous and not doing well... and guess what? Back to not talking to me again! This guy handles adversity by shutting down. I told him again... I'm here if you need me. He said Thanks, I don't want to go through this again, which means surgery and possible other yucky things he dealt with last time. I told him he will have to see what the options are first, he said yes and then he went dark. I tried to reach out again, but no answer, so I am done reaching out. I feel bad as I am a very caring person, but if someone doesn't respond, what else can you do? He knows I'm there if he needs me but honestly I am tired of his need to retreat when things go wrong. We just can't seem to catch a break. My question is, should I just let go?

[missmarple]

I would let go, yes. His way of handling things is very different to yours and you've already been more than patient once.

[Coldarmy13]

I feel like you've done everything you could do in this situation. If I was going through terrible things, I'd want to be around those who I care about most. Sounds like he's ditched you twice, in relation to that.

[janut1]

I feel like you've done everything you could do in this situation. If I was going through terrible things, I'd want to be around those who I care about most. Sounds like he's ditched you twice, in relation to that.

 

Again, you and I are a lot alike coldarmy. I care about people and I care about him. He just shuts down and goes cold when something bad happens to him. I understand that he is worried, scared and wondering what is going to happen and we can't date because he is in pain, but I was just trying to be there to support him as a friend by letting him know Im here if he needs me.

 

I did blow it though and sent him a text yesterday evening to check in. He said "Hi, Im not doing good. I want to be alone right now. Thank you" So I thought well thats what you will get! and of course did not reply. Now I am absolutely not going to reach out again. If I ever hear from him again, first I hope he would apologize for how he treated me and second I would let him know how this made me feel for sure. I would not want to ever go through this again with him.

 

And if he is going to have surgery and be in the hospital again like the last time he went through this and/or something really bad happens in surgery, like his worst nightmare comes true, I will never hear from him again anyway cause he will feel bad about himself and therefore back into his bubble he will go.

 

Just sucks for sure.

[Coldarmy13]

It definitely sucks. But it is the right thing to do not to bring yourself to him anymore, especially after that last message.