Is she in to me or not?

[csdude55]

I can't quite decide if this girl is in to me or not. There are clues both ways, so I'm hoping some unbiased people can help me figure it out.

 

I've known her for a few months, and we've always been a little flirty. Like when I see her in person, I say "Hey, gorgeous!" and she'll say "Hey, sexy!" back. She's 25, recently divorced, and staying with her dad for now.

 

She texted me for the first time on New Years. I had given her my number a couple of months ago, so she looked it up to text me. I know from her FB posts and stuff, though, that she's not very good at typing or posting things, so it's hard to read too much in the quality of her replies.

 

Clues that she's in to me:

 

1. She texted me first, and replies positively after I say something flirty

 

2. She mentioned going to see a guy friend, but invited me and quickly said "it's just a friend"

 

3. I asked if she'd like to go out, and she replied pretty quickly with what I THINK was an affirmative

 

 

Clues that she's not:

 

1. I flirt with her (calling her "gorgeous" and "sexy"), but she doesn't reciprocate by text (although she does in person). Which could be a lack of interest OR a lack of typing ability, I don't know. We're talking about a girl that abbreviates "how are you" with "Hru", so typing out "gorgeous" might just be out of the question

 

2. She's talking about going to see a "guy friend", and inviting some friends to go with her. Was her invitation to me because I'm a friend, too, or because she didn't want me to think she was trying to go out with a guy?

 

3. When I asked her out (8:40pm, 1/3/15), her comment that she was wanting to go out of town earlier was pretty confusing. Does that mean that she was really hoping to see her "guy friend", but I would be a suitable alternative? Or is she saying that she originally had plans that fell through, so she'd like to go out? Or am I reading too much in to it?

 

4. She never did write back when her dad got home, and didn't reply to my last "rub your back" comment

 

 

Here is the extent of our conversation for the last few days. Some places I had to remove identifying info, which I marked with **. What do you guys think, should I pursue this or back off?

[csdude55]

Her (8:48pm, 1/3/15): Really ok i let u khow

 

Me (8:48pm, 1/3/15): It would just be you and me tonight, though

 

I should mention that I sent the second message, and then about 30 seconds later the first message came in, and in my list it showed above the one I sent. So I don't know for sure whether she sent "Really ok i let u khow" before or after I said that it would just be the two of us.

 

That's really why I sent the message at 8:51pm. I wasn't sure if she thought that she had replied and it was now my turn.

[diomedes]

Looks ok to me, you people are pretty open with everything. I'd normally play it safer than you, but that's a personality thing. I'm in a situation that's similar but different, I think your forecast is a bit sunnier.

[Malisinunderla]

She does seem to be responding and it seems quite encouraging but it depends what you are after. Her being 25 and recently divorced I highly doubt she is looking for anything more than a hook up. As in I hope you are not looking for something more serious because it might be a bit of a trap for you.

[csdude55]

Mmm, tough one to answer. I'm not a hook-up kind of guy, really, but I'm not exactly looking to get married right now, either. I guess that I'm just keeping my heart and mind open to whatever comes my way, but I don't want to embarrass myself by flirting too much with a girl that just wants to be friends, either.

 

She DID tell me before that she's looking for a guy to be with forever, not a "guy to play with", so I don't THINK she wants a random hook-up, either. But I'm clearly not a good judge of these types of things.

[Rosti87]

1. I flirt with her (calling her "gorgeous" and "sexy"), but she doesn't reciprocate by text (although she does in person). Which could be a lack of interest OR a lack of typing ability, I don't know. We're talking about a girl that abbreviates "how are you" with "Hru", so typing out "gorgeous" might just be out of the question

 

Possibly does not want anything in writing that indicates interest. Some people are private about putting anything in electronic format because it can be easily duplicated and shared with others.

 

2. She's talking about going to see a "guy friend", and inviting some friends to go with her. Was her invitation to me because I'm a friend, too, or because she didn't want me to think she was trying to go out with a guy?

 

Could go either way here.

 

3. When I asked her out (8:40pm, 1/3/15), her comment that she was wanting to go out of town earlier was pretty confusing. Does that mean that she was really hoping to see her "guy friend", but I would be a suitable alternative? Or is she saying that she originally had plans that fell through, so she'd like to go out? Or am I reading too much in to it?

 

You're reading too much into it.

 

4. She never did write back when her dad got home, and didn't reply to my last "rub your back" comment

 

I think that might be a hint that she does not want to be that intimate (touching). As a woman if a male friend text me and I did not want physical touch in that way, I would go black as well.

[csdude55]

I think that might be a hint that she does not want to be that intimate (touching). As a woman if a male friend text me and I did not want physical touch in that way, I would go black as well.

 

Excellent point! Honestly, it didn't even cross my mind that she would take me seriously. I totally expected a reply along the lines of "You wish! LOL", and then we would keep on chatting.

 

In real life I'm pretty goofy and playful, so a strong sense of humor is almost critical for any potential relationships. A girl that takes a joke like that seriously enough to freeze me out probably wouldn't like me all that much in real life, either, so this might be a pretty big warning sign for me.

[Capricorn3]

I'm starting to get confused. OP, is this the same girl you're talking about in your other, most recent thread? Or is this yet another one?

[amipushy]

She has recently been divorced so is wary of getting involved with someone new so stop with the flirty back rub kind of stuff. She will be looking to get to know someone new not have sex with them and you are coming accross too strong and its scaring her off.

[weathergirl]

Excellent point! Honestly, it didn't even cross my mind that she would take me seriously. I totally expected a reply along the lines of "You wish! LOL", and then we would keep on chatting.

 

In real life I'm pretty goofy and playful, so a strong sense of humor is almost critical for any potential relationships. A girl that takes a joke like that seriously enough to freeze me out probably wouldn't like me all that much in real life, either, so this might be a pretty big warning sign for me.

 

I would be careful with the sarcasm via text. Texting and email can be ambiguous in that we can't hear inflection in your voice, see facial expressions etc that would denote sarcasm. So be careful with that when texting and emailing. It can and often is misinterpreted especially when first getting to know each other.

 

I am a pretty perceptive gal (and love to banter and be playful) but if a man I was just getting to know texted me asking if he could rub my back I would be totally put off...

[weathergirl]

I'm starting to get confused. OP, is this the same girl you're talking about in your other, most recent thread? Or is this yet another one?

 

I was thinking the same thing...although it sounds like yet a new one. Another one who doesn't have a good grasp on the English language to boot!

[csdude55]

I was thinking the same thing...although it sounds like yet a new one. Another one who doesn't have a good grasp on the English language to boot!

 

You're right, this is a different girl. She speaks English well, just doesn't communicate well online. Which seems to be pretty common in my area. I seriously talk to adults on a regular basis that have no idea what email or a website is, all they know how to use is Facebook or texting.

 

I know, Capricorn is going to tell me to take time for myself and stop worrying about dating. But as you can see, these girls are texting me first, not the other way around. And it's not like I have a wide selection of attractive, athletic, short, single girls in this area that are going to be interested in me, so I can't afford to turn them away.

 

 

I would be careful with the sarcasm via text. Texting and email can be ambiguous in that we can't hear inflection in your voice, see facial expressions etc that would denote sarcasm. So be careful with that when texting and emailing. It can and often is misinterpreted especially when first getting to know each other.

 

I am a pretty perceptive gal (and love to banter and be playful) but if a man I was just getting to know texted me asking if he could rub my back I would be totally put off...

 

You all make an excellent point here, and I'll take it to heart. In person, we've bantered like that plenty of times and it's all been taken as a joke, but you're right that it may have come accross a lot differently in this context than I had intended.

 

She texted me about an hour ago with "Hhhhhh hey" (which I think is flirty? I don't know), so I guess maybe I didn't scare her off too bad

[Capricorn3]

I know, Capricorn is going to tell me to take time for myself and stop worrying about dating.

Actually no, Capricorn is not going to tell you that. I only enquired if it was the same girl or not because if it was the same girl, then I was going to say to please not keep starting new threads basically about the same topic (as per the rules). BUT, seeing that this is a different person, then it's all good.

 

So, as to this girl. I agree with other posters who say that some of the things you say come accross really, um ...well, lets just say a lot of women would find it off-putting. Like has been mentioned before, flirting, "humor" and sarcasm don't always come accross well over text or email and many times actually have the total opposite effect. I would say stick to your flirting ways face-to-face, but don't bother over text because seriously, some of it just comes accross as really just ...yuck.

[Sarah691607309662]

In my opinion, the girl is not interested. She is bored out of her mind and tries to entertain herself with ocean of friends. Her vibe is not of interest, but of a desire to kill time. She does not really engage and does not follow through when she somewhat does. She seems honest to me. Pretty open. But not interested. Mostly bored.

[csdude55]

Actually no, Capricorn is not going to tell you that. I only enquired if it was the same girl or not because if it was the same girl, then I was going to say to please not keep starting new threads basically about the same topic (as per the rules). BUT, seeing that this is a different person, then it's all good.

 

Ahh, I gotcha

 

I might have to peruse the rules a little harder, though, because I don't understand why multiple topics on the same relationship would be inappropriate, especially if we're talking about different scenarios. But that's not worth discussing here, I'll just read the rules and ask if I still don't understand.

 

 

I would say stick to your flirting ways face-to-face, but don't bother over text because seriously, some of it just comes accross as really just ...yuck.

 

Other than the back-rub comment that's already been discussed, what else in the conversation struck you as "yuck"?

 

FWIW, the comment about kissing an "old woman" on NYE was a throw back to an earlier conversation, where this 70+ year old woman was hitting on me very, very hard a few days ago. She kept saying I looked like "Elvis with bedroom eyes", and at one point said "if you were my husband, we'd be trying to make babies in every room of the house!" It was a funny story that we had all laughed at later.

 

 

In my opinion, the girl is not interested. She is bored out of her mind and tries to entertain herself with ocean of friends. Her vibe is not of interest, but of a desire to kill time. She does not really engage and does not follow through when she somewhat does. She seems honest to me. Pretty open. But not interested. Mostly bored.

 

Now, see, THIS is what I was thinking, too! It's hard for me to determine whether she's just not good at texting, or if she's only marginally interested.

 

She did initiate another conversation this afternoon, though, and at one point referred to me as "dear" in passing (ie, "anything you want, dear"), so I'm leaning towards her being at least somewhat interested.

 

And honestly, if she's just looking to kill time then that's perfectly fine with me. I'm not looking for anything romantic, really, and would be tickled to death to have a totally platonic friend. But if she's wanting more, then I don't want to appear closed off to it, either...

[weathergirl]

In my opinion, the girl is not interested. She is bored out of her mind and tries to entertain herself with ocean of friends. Her vibe is not of interest, but of a desire to kill time. She does not really engage and does not follow through when she somewhat does. She seems honest to me. Pretty open. But not interested. Mostly bored.

 

^^This.....for sure.

 

csdude you need to learn how to read people better. What is it about "Hhhhhh hey" do you find flirty? There is nothing flirty about that. I'm a little confused how you could interpret it that way.

 

She sounds bored and her texts/emails are lazy. There is no engaging you, asking questions, or anything that would indicate she is interestedin you, even as a friend!!

 

You give women lots of attention and show lots of concern and caring for them...which I am sure they appreciate as most women do....but IMO it's just too much. Trying too hard to please is not endearing...in fact it's almost "cringe" worthy.

 

Sorry that sounds harsh but it's the truth. You will attract lots of women who will want to keep you around cause of all the attention you give them, while they reserve the right to refuse your invites to actually spend time together (in person) and/or flat out blow you off like the girl in your other thread.

 

Even then, you STILL give them attentiion and lots if it! Ugh.

 

If you want women to respect you and "want" you..desire you romantically....you need to learn how to establish boundaries and when to pull back. Certainly when a woman blows you off you should pull back cause that type of behavior is unacceptable even from a friend!!!

 

But no you're all like "how are you feeling? Feeling any better?" "What can i do to make you feel better?" Another Ugh.

 

Sorry but I believe in telling it like it is and you need a good shaking cause dude you are just too damn nice...and too nice is NOT good. In fact I don't trust guys who are "too nice" cause it indicates insecurity and insecure guys have a tendency to be very needy and controlling. And suffocating and self-centered.

 

Okay I will stop now I have made my point obviously.

[Capricorn3]

IMO it's just too much. Trying too hard to please is not endearing...in fact it's almost "cringe" worthy..

I'm afraid to say that I have to agree with the above 100%. I've been cringing with almost all your posts and thinking "omg, nooooooo!!". You come accross as really desperately trying too hard to impress any woman who crosses your path and it fails miserably. Trying way too hard and all this talk of "I'm a fun, happy flirty fellow" is falling flat with many women, because they sense the desperate need to impress.

 

Take a few steps back, take your time, calm down. You're not a hormone-crazed teenager (which is how you come accross sometimes). Breathe........ lol.

[csdude55]

csdude you need to learn how to read people better. What is it about "Hhhhhh hey" do you find flirty? There is nothing flirty about that. I'm a little confused how you could interpret it that way.

 

FWIW, I said that I think it's flirty, but I'm not sure. Keeping in mind that it was an umprompted text, so she was thinking of me and wanted to talk to me, which in itself seems just a little flirty. And I don't know this for sure, but every time a girl sends me a message with multiple letters like they ("Heyyyy!" or "Hhhhhey!"), it comes accross as flirty. Or, at the very least, it's expressive of happiness.

 

It's like when I was a teenager and used to call a girl. When she answered the phone with "Hey!" and was happy to hear from me, I knew we were good. But when she answered, "oh, hey" like Eeyore, I knew it was time to move on.

 

But what do I know? My biggest complaint right now is that people expect you to read their minds. How about a random text of "Hey! Did you know that I'm crushing on you right now?" Or maybe, "Hey! I just see you as a friend, so I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way." That'd be a refreshing change

 

 

She sounds bored and her texts/emails are lazy. There is no engaging you, asking questions, or anything that would indicate she is interestedin you, even as a friend!!

 

Sort of my original interpretation, too, except for the fact that she's the one initiating the conversations. Why would she keep texting me (including today), if she's not interested?

 

 

You give women lots of attention and show lots of concern and caring for them...which I am sure they appreciate as most women do....but IMO it's just too much. Trying too hard to please is not endearing...in fact it's almost "cringe" worthy.

 

Sorry that sounds harsh but it's the truth. You will attract lots of women who will want to keep you around cause of all the attention you give them, while they reserve the right to refuse your invites to actually spend time together (in person) and/or flat out blow you off like the girl in your other thread.

 

Even then, you STILL give them attentiion and lots if it! Ugh.

 

If you want women to respect you and "want" you..desire you romantically....you need to learn how to establish boundaries and when to pull back. Certainly when a woman blows you off you should pull back cause that type of behavior is unacceptable even from a friend!!!

 

But no you're all like "how are you feeling? Feeling any better?" "What can i do to make you feel better?" Another Ugh.

 

Sorry but I believe in telling it like it is and you need a good shaking cause dude you are just too damn nice...and too nice is NOT good. In fact I don't trust guys who are "too nice" cause it indicates insecurity and insecure guys have a tendency to be very needy and controlling. And suffocating and self-centered.

 

Hmm. This is a bit of a conundrum, because you're telling me that I need to be someone that I'm not in order to be desirable. The thing is, I AM a nice guy. I DO like to give my girl a lot of attention. If she's sick, I DO want to pet her, maybe make her some soup, whatever.

 

I completely understand that these may not be sexy attributes, but it's who I am. I could act less interested in her and be more appealing, but then that defeats the whole purpose for me even trying. I'm not trying to trick a girl in to liking me, and I really have no interest in dating a quantity of girls that aren't compatible. Been there, done that. I want to find a girl that loves me for these very qualities that you think are "ugh".

 

I'm almost ashamed to admit that when I was much, much younger, I acted exactly like the guy you say that I should be. I treated girls a little poorly and with a bit of disinterest, I didn't really care about their feelings, I had no problem trying to make a girl jealous, and in general was a little bit of a jerk. And I had a different date every weekend, sometimes 2 or 3 in a weekend, no problem. But I certainly didn't like myself at all, and have no interest in being that guy again. It just wasn't me.

 

So, with that said, maybe you can teach me something. In this exchange:

 

Her (8:48pm, 1/3/15): Really ok i let u khow

 

Me (8:48pm, 1/3/15): It would just be you and me tonight, though

 

you'll see that they both have the same time of 8:48. I sent the second message, and then about 30 seconds later the first message came in, but in my list it showed above the one I sent. So I don't know for sure whether she sent "Really ok i let u khow" before or after I said that it would just be the two of us.

 

That's really why I sent the message at 8:51pm. I wasn't sure if she thought that she had replied and it was now my turn, and asking if she felt better was the only thing that came to mind that would keep the conversation going.

 

What would you recommend that I have done here? Stopped replying altogether and leave her wondering if I'm still there (which I think would have been rude and appear as if I'm not interested)? Continued talking about us going out, even though the topic was kind of dead? Other?

[csdude55]

I'm afraid to say that I have to agree with the above 100%. I've been cringing with almost all your posts and thinking "omg, nooooooo!!". You come accross as really desperately trying too hard to impress any woman who crosses your path and it fails miserably. Trying way too hard and all this talk of "I'm a fun, happy flirty fellow" is falling flat with many women, because they sense the desperate need to impress.

 

Take a few steps back, take your time, calm down. You're not a hormone-crazed teenager (which is how you come accross sometimes). Breathe........ lol.

 

Well, for the sake of learning...

 

How would you have replied to the text conversation above? Where do you think I went desperate, and how would you suggest that I replied differently?

[Malisinunderla]

I did have a feeling I already commented on this post!haha, I do think she is interested yes, but as in I am not sure if it is just for a hook up or not as CLEARLY I am not very quick to clock on when someone just wants a hookup. haha. Dont be scared of the option of being flirty when she just wants to be friends, I dont think she wants to be friends and telling you that it just a friend so you should go along

[Capricorn3]

Well, for the sake of learning...

 

How would you have replied to the text conversation above? Where do you think I went desperate, and how would you suggest that I replied differently?

OP, it's not just this one conversation. It's comes accross in your entire persona and the vibes you give - well, at least your internet persona/vibes. I'm clearly not the only one who has picked up on it in all your threads, so that should be telling you something. If people can feel this via the internet, then imagine how much stronger it must be in real life. All I'm saying is: tone it down several notches.

[weathergirl]

Csdude re the email exchange you asked about...it's very clear her text "really okay I let you know" was in response to your previous text right above it sent at 8:47 pm. There is nothing ambiguous about that. It's very clear.

 

Your response should have been "okay great" and that's it. You should not have texted her again until such time she texted you back letting you know! Just like she said she would! And if she never responds back letting you know...then you move on...you don't send another email asking her how she is feeling! Wreaks of insecurity and desperation.

 

No one is suggesting you play games and start treating women poorly....again that's you not reading what we're saying correctly.

 

And if being yourself means you act needy and desperate and trying too hard to please and win approval...then yeah a change in "who you are" is most definitely in order because that behavior is cringe worthy and a huge turn off...to everyone not just women you are attempting to attract.

 

Instead of so desperately trying to attract the woman de jour...why don't you focus on yourself and why you are the "way you are" (needy, desperate, low self esteem) which is certainly what your actions indicate.

[csdude55]

OP, it's not just this one conversation. It's comes accross in your entire persona and the vibes you give - well, at least your internet persona/vibes. I'm clearly not the only one who has picked up on it in all your threads, so that should be telling you something. If people can feel this via the internet, then imagine how much stronger it must be in real life. All I'm saying is: tone it down several notches.

 

Don't get me wrong, I totally get what you're saying! But unfortunately, I'm getting a lot of "you're doing it all wrong", but no advice of what, exactly, I should do differently. "Tone it down" doesn't help a whole lot if you can't tell me what "it" is, or what an appropriate "tone" would be.

 

Keep in mind that I've been out of the dating world for 20 years, so anything I vaguely remember about dating is probably wrong now, anyway. I'm willing to learn, I just need clear directions.

 

Of course, I have to wonder if you're not just catching a vibe from my posts here, like you said. On here, I'm being 100% honest thanks to the glory of anonymity, and can say things that I'd never say in person. The only girl that I've seriously flirted with in 20 years fell in love with me and regularly talked about our future together, so I don't think that me being myself makes me totally undesirable?

[Juha]

csdude, you need to act like you don't care either way. Like you don't need her and you are ok either way if she is in your life or not. She seems interested but you are being too available. If she texts you don't always answer right away, if it's night time maybe wait until the next day.

Ask her out but not for that day/night. Tell her you want to take her out and ask when is good for her and make a date.

Also relax, it's jsut another person. Treat her like you would any other person or women that you are not interested in.

Always be playful, a little flirty, and fun...

 

good luck

[Ms Darcy]

Opinion: She's not interested; she's bored.

 

Advice: Try age-appropriate online dating with women who are single, have been single for a while, and are closer to your age. I think trying to date women who are more emotionally available might yield women who are interested in a relationship with you.