Is she in to me or not?

[csdude55]

No one is suggesting you play games and start treating women poorly....again that's you not reading what we're saying correctly.

 

I think you misunderstood my earlier comment. What I'm trying to say is that acting the way you are suggesting (acting disinterested, don't care whether she's there or not, etc) leads a man to actually FEEL the way he acts. Acting disinterested makes him less interested. Acting like he doesn't care if she's there makes him care less if she's there. Ignoring her feelings and only worrying about himself makes him not care about her feelings.

 

It becomes more about "closing the deal" than starting a relationship. She's been successfully manipulated in to liking a guy that has manipulated himself in to losing interest, so what else is left for him other than having sex with her and then moving on?

 

You're telling me that, in order to be desirable, I should act exactly like the kind of guy you wouldn't want to be with.

 

And you might not realize it, but what you guys are suggesting are exactly mind games! Strategically waiting a period of time before emailing back so as to pique her interest, feigning disinterest so that I'll be more mysterious... these are manipulation games, no matter how you cut it.

 

 

And if being yourself means you act needy and desperate and trying too hard to please and win approval...then yeah a change in "who you are" is most definitely in order because that behavior is cringe worthy and a huge turn off...to everyone not just women you are attempting to attract.

 

While I appreciate your advice, I just don't know whether I agree with you. I don't know whether you're just not the type of person that would respond to my "charms", or you're only reading the parts of my conversations that are more emotional (there's no reason for me to post the happy texts), or if you truly speak for all of womankind.

 

Here's what I do know, though. I've mentioned before that I have always had a problem in that new friends (male or female) tend to LOVE being around me... for a couple of months. They call / email / text every day, want to hang out with me all the time, and think I'm the coolest guy they've ever met. But after a few months, they tend to lose interest. It's like, almost every relationship I have starts out as a strong burning flame, but burns out pretty quickly.

 

This leads me to think that it's not my approach that's the problem. I think that the people I tend to like appreciate my candor and emotional openness, which is why they like me so much in the beginning. The problem comes when the excitement I'm giving tones down; I start to lose interest, so they do, too.

 

Now, if you're saying that the key to a longer lasting relationship is to spread that emotion out over time so that the excitement lasts longer, then you might be on to something. But then you're asking me to hide what people seem to find the most appealing, which seems counterproductive to me.

[csdude55]

Advice: Try age-appropriate online dating with women who are single, have been single for a while, and are closer to your age. I think trying to date women who are more emotionally available might yield women who are interested in a relationship with you.

 

Unfortunately, that's much easier said than done when you live in a relatively rural area Women that are closer to 39, single, attractive, petite, and athletic, and interested in a man that most people think is in his late 20's, is playful, enjoys things like kayaking and snowboarding, but also works 80 hours a week and is prominent (if not infamous) within the community... rare, if not outright non-existent.

 

I'd say that the majority of my high school classmates are grandparents now, and act like grandparents! I don't know anyone my age that acts even remotely like me.

 

But for now, I'm not exactly dating, anyway. I'm just responding to women that are contacting me with an open mind.

[Rosti87]

Unfortunately, that's much easier said than done when you live in a relatively rural area Women that are closer to 39, single, attractive, petite, and athletic, and interested in a man that most people think is in his late 20's, is playful, enjoys things like kayaking and snowboarding, but also works 80 hours a week and is prominent (if not infamous) within the community... rare, if not outright non-existent.

 

I'd say that the majority of my high school classmates are grandparents now, and act like grandparents! I don't know anyone my age that acts even remotely like me.

 

But for now, I'm not exactly dating, anyway. I'm just responding to women that are contacting me with an open mind.

 

Consider living in a larger metro area where there are more people like you.

[csdude55]

Easier said than done. I now own a house that I can't sell (declining economic area where higher-end houses tend to sit on the market for years), and own a business that is my sole source of income.

 

I can't afford to move AND keep paying the mortgage. And really can't afford to drop the business on what's more or less a whim.

 

And now, this might sound stupid, but... I like being an important figure in the community. I like walking in to a restaurant, and everyone knowing who I am. I like it when I go to a new place, and a stranger wants to come over and shake my hand. It's very empowering, and moving means that I lose that.

[Capricorn3]

I have always had a problem in that new friends (male or female) tend to LOVE being around me... for a couple of months. They call / email / text every day, want to hang out with me all the time, and think I'm the coolest guy they've ever met. But after a few months, they tend to lose interest. It's like, almost every relationship I have starts out as a strong burning flame, but burns out pretty quickly.

That's because you come on too strong, too soon, with all guns blazing. You're way too intense and too hyper/excitable, like you say, strong burning flame. It's like the moment you meet someone, you feel you have to be all over them instantly with flirting, sarcasm, making funny comments - like I said before - too intense, desperately trying to impress. People may enjoy the fun for a little while but it eventually gets exhausting and your "burning flame" burns out. One of my colleagues are like this and they have a really hard time holding onto friendships or relationships long term. That's what I mean by tone it down. Calm down, take your time. No need to be "everything now, now, now!!" Take. Your. Time.

[weathergirl]

Well to each his own as the saying goes. Personally speaking, I find your "charm" to be quite arrogant and frankly nauseating. I would venture to guess some people may initially be drawn to you...but after getting to know you a bit....realize your "charm" is just a facade and that you are really quite arrogant and self-absorbed.

 

But carry on as you have been doing if you wish (as I am sure you will!) Not sure why you came here when all you have been doing is condescendingly dismissing our advice and defending your "charming" personality...to the point I actually feel like throwing up now.

 

Just my opinion...

 

And for the record..I never said you should act disinterested or like you don't care whether she is there or not. Have NO idea where you got that from....and if that's how you are interpreting my and other's posts, then your issues go way deeper than anyone here can help you with.

[Capricorn3]

I like being an important figure in the community. I like walking in to a restaurant, and everyone knowing who I am. I like it when I go to a new place, and a stranger wants to come over and shake my hand. It's very empowering, and moving means that I lose that.

Yep, I noticed that in all your posts, lol. Like I said before, you feel the need to impress people, feel important and be the local "cool dude". Just remember, too much of the "I love me, who do you love", usually backfires and will be your downfall. Think about it.

[csdude55]

Well to each his own as the saying goes. Personally speaking, I find your "charm" to be quite arrogant and frankly nauseating. I would venture to guess some people may initially be drawn to you...but after getting to know you a bit....realize your "charm" is just s facade and that you are really quite arrogant and self-absorbed.

 

But carry on as you have been doing if you wish (as I am sure you will!) Not sure why you came here when all you have been doing is condescendingly dismissing our advice and defending your "charming" personality...to the point I actually feel like throwing up now.

 

I certainly didn't come here asking for you to evaluate me. I asked if you thought the girl texting me was doing so as a friend or because she wanted more. You just took it upon yourself to criticize me.

 

And I'm sorry, but I don't think that I've been "condescendingly dismissing your advice". You have been extremely rude and mean to me (how am I supposed to take comments like me being "cringe-worth", "nauseating", and "quite arrogant and self-absorbed"?), and I think that I've been nothing but nice in return. Just because I don't agree with your assessment doesn't mean I'm being condescending. I defy you to find a single comment in my earlier replies to you that was anything less than friendly.

 

If you find my comments to be condescending, then I would suggest that you, too, look within, and try to understand why you found them to be so hurtful.

 

Interestingly enough, on the one hand you say that I'm too nice (to the point that you "want to shake [me]"), but then when I defend myself you say that I make you feel like throwing up. I don't agree with your armchair assessment, so I now disgust you? Do you seriously fail to see the hypocrisy?

 

Now, THIS comment might seem condescending, and like you said to me, it might sound harsh but it's the truth. But you're close to my age, and have been posting on a relationship forum for 4 months, so I have to take your relationship advice with a grain of salt. I don't think that you're any more of a pro at a relationship than I am... if you were, you wouldn't be here.

 

Regardless.

 

The girl that's the topic of this conversation did continue texting me later (she initiated again), and we are now planning to go out one evening this week So at least one girl did respond to my potentially nauseating "charms" (or lack thereof). This reinforces my earlier opinion that, while all women might not respond to a man that's open and honest, the right woman might.

[weathergirl]

Unlike you I don't post my issues on this or any message board. I don't have to, I have been in a loving, happy and mutually supportive and rewarding relationship for 5+ years.

 

Yes you and I are the same age and I have been here for four months..but there is huge difference between you and me. Virtually all my posts are in response to another poster's dilemma in an attempt to help. That is why I am here....to try and help. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't but I will never stop trying.

 

Threads often divert from the original topic that is not unusual. Many posters on your numerous threads have been expressing essentially the same things I have...albeit in a less harsh and blunt way and I am not the only poster who classified your behavior as cringe worthy.

 

Oh and don't worry...your arrogance and condescension don't offend me or "hurt my feelings." Hurt feelings is your specialty not mind. I just find you nauseating that's all.

 

I am out of this thread I see no point in responding further. I have said my piece take it or leave it.

 

CYA!

[Sarah691607309662]

It was entertaining to read all this debate.

 

OP, on a bright side of things I do not find you condescending. Not that I find "a condescending" to be a sure turn off. I even find some level of arrogance to be attractive.

 

Arrogant person would never continue arguing and trying to prove themselves. Arrogant does not care if anyone holds a different opinion.

 

"I asked if you thought the girl texting me was doing so as a friend or because she wanted more."

 

As I said, I do not think that the girl in question was texting you as a friend. To be a friend one has to care about another. From a few examples here it does not seem so. She does not try to evaluate your mood or intentions. She casually invites you to join her to hang out with a bunch of other friends and that's it. This is not friendship. I would say, she does not want to be friends, she wants less.

 

It reminded me of one girl I knew once. She was pretty and she had a smashing success with men. Not because she was classy, or witty, or charming in that sophisticated way. She did not make a big deal about being available. We worked together. And every night she would go out with a different guy. She had a pocket book with pages falling out and every time she would drink alcohol, she would take this pocket book (she carried it in plastic bag because of loose pages) and go to the phone and start dialing up. She would call one man after another, checking with whom it would be more convenient and fun to go out this night.

[Rosti87]

Interesting perspective I must say. That could be a possibility. I know I have no platonic friends that behave this way. I most certainly would not want a prospective romance to start this way.

 

I feel the OP is getting crumbs at best from this girl.

[FlashEng1]

OP, getting straight to the point: No she's not into you. At all. Not even as a friend.... and that's "ok." (I have those people on my phone too that we communicate this way.)

 

To answer in the format you presented --

 

Clue's that she's [not] into you:

 

1. You said she texted you first? Sure.. MONTHS later. This is a sure sign of someone who is bored and wanted to "see what's up." .. As well, her first text was a Happy New Years text, yes? These are definitely texts you shouldn't ever read into. Consider it a spam message, say your hellos and move the hell on.

 

2. No woman that is into you will ever invite you to another guy's house for the first time. Ever... Group dates are one thing, but this isn't a group date, and this isn't her being into you and just wanting to "play things safe" by inviting you to a male friends house that she hasn't seen in 7 years. Don't read any more into this either.

 

3. You invited her out and she sent what you thought was an affirmative? Where? Re-reading your post, I don't see it. "Really ok let you know" isn't an affirmative... "Ok sure, what time?!" is. If you ever get confused here, remember: "Actions speak louder than ... texts." -- Did she ever take it upon herself to set anything in stone?

 

Overall, this woman is simply bored and texting at her convenience. Don't start looking into any additional detail(s) until you've gone on a 1-on-1 date with her, and it was made clear that it was a date. Not a hangout, brunch, get together, or whatever else can be passed off as "oh he's just some guy I had lunch with." Until then: No, she is not into you.

[csdude55]

Well, I had a big long reply typed out, but then the browser messed up and I lost it! Grrr

 

Thanks to all of you for the insight and advice. I wanted to clarify a little due to Flash's comments, though. I'm always torn on whether to give a lot of information initially or keep my post as short as I can, so I guess I should have probably given a little more info on this one.

 

1. I guess I should point out that this is a girl that I see for an hour or two, 3-4 times a week. She works at a restaurant that I frequent, so it's not like we went for months without talking or anything. I didn't go there at all after around Dec 20 (due mainly to the holidays), so I wasn't sure if she was texting me because she was texting a group of people, or if she missed seeing me after 10 days.

 

Also, I had a girlfriend up until mid-December, so even though I'd given her my number awhile back, it's not unreasonable that she wouldn't have texted me during that time.

 

2. You're completely right about this one, and I have been totally over-thinking it. Did she just see me as another friend to invite along the trip, or was this a test to see how well I mesh with her friends (assuming anyone goes besides me)? I know her ex was super jealous, so was this a test to see if I get jealous, too?

 

Or was she just trying to play it safe, trying to tell me that she wanted to hang out but not wanting to outright say "let's go out together"? When I was a teenager, my go-to for asking a girl out was to casually invite them to Burger King or to the mall so we could "hang out". It was totally non-committal, in case she just thought of me as a friend. For all I know, she might be doing the same thing I did back then.

 

FWIW, the trip would be about 1 1/2 hours each way. Add an hour or so for food, and that's really a lot of time to spend together alone.

 

This was probably the most confusing part of the whole conversation, and really the only part that made me question her intent. It would be a whole lot easier if I could read minds

 

3. This is the part of the conversation that I meant seemed affirmative:

 

Me (8:40pm, 1/3/15): Are you doing anything tonight? Would you like to go out?

Her (8:45pm, 1/3/15): I wanted to go to (**the town where her friend lives) but my dad is not in home and i need to change cloth and grab my wallet

Her (8:45pm, 1/3/15): I dont have keys

 

I could read this two different ways. If the "I wanted to go see my friend" was in answer to "are you doing anything", it might have just been an innocent explanation of why she was sitting at home on a Saturday night. So if you ignore that, and just read the rest of it ("my dad is not home... I don't have keys") then it sounds like she would like to go out, but has to wait for her dad to get home first. Which is an affirmative.

 

OR, I could read it as her saying that she really wanted to go see another guy but the plans fell through, so she might be persuaded to hang out with a lesser man (me).

 

But the fact that I texted her at 8:40pm on a Saturday night, and she replied within 5 minutes, seems at least a little promising.

 

I guess that an optimistic man would see it the first way, while a more pessimistic man would see it the second. I'm an insecure optimist, so I don't know which way to see it

 

****

 

As an update, though, she texted me again on Monday evening and we chatted a little more. I said something along the lines of, "I wish we could go out tonight, but I have a ton of work to do. Maybe one evening this week?"

 

She replied within 30 seconds and said "Sure!" I replied with , and she replied with .

 

She texted me again at around 12:30am (a little after midnight Monday night / Tuesday morning) with "Heyy !!" This would have probably been 30 minutes before she went to bed, so I do think she's in to me... at least a little.

 

FWIW, I wrote back at around 5:30am (Tuesday morning) and said "Sorry I missed you! I might see you later today, though, if I'm back in town before you get off". I didn't get back in town before she got off work, though, and haven't actually seen her or texted her since then. That lack of contact STRONGLY goes against my nature!!! But I'm taking a friend's advice and sort of playing it cool. I should see her tomorrow (Thursday, my regular routine), and I figured that I'd ask her on a casual date for that night.

[Sarah691607309662]

Keep it up