LDR Boyfriend seems obsessed with me and my body

[Irisheyez82]

Everyone enjoys compliments, especially from their S.O., right? So me wanting to complain about the over abundance of compliments and my bf's love for sex with me makes me feel pretty crappy sometimes, you know? But I've realized recently that I have my positives and negatives. I enjoy compliments but when I get them 10 to 20 times a day and I get groped almost every time I turn around, it becomes a bit much.

We are in an LDR, so when we visit each other, most the time our time is constantly spent together. I live alone otherwise and get crazy busy as I go to school full time and work in about every ounce of free time I have. He is the same way only over 1000 miles away most of the year.

I know he wants to get the most out of intimacy when we are together but it's wearing me down and causing me resentment in ways. I've told him before that it bothers me when he is constantly feeling me up or staring me down. I'm not one who enjoys extreme attention, I an out of the spotlight person in general. I'm sensitive in ways and although I've felt very confident in my sexuality before, it's dwendled since being with him. And it's not because he doesn't try to make me feel good about myself, he tries too hard. He compliments every aspect of my body, a little too in depth sometimes. I'm not one who enjoys dirty talking but I let him and try to stay turned on. He mentioned anal sex before and I told him my feelings and disinterest in it and he replies "that's unfortunate, most ladies I've been with actually end up enjoying it". He's referenced other women in comparison to my comfort levels many time and it makes me feel worse about myself unfortunately. He wants to sneak camera phone pics of me behind my back sometimes because he wants them for himself while he is away. I've explained I'm not comfortable with that and actually negotiated by giving him an artistic nude photo of myself to make him happy. But he was irritated when I told him to stop taking the photos, telling me "lighten up, it's not the 1940's. Grow up. Couples do this all the time". So it's things like that he says that hurt.

Otherwise he's wonderful, always wanting to help. Always wanting to do everything for me (although I enjoy doing things for myself and let him know I want to). I'm very independent.

My main issue is the over abundance of compliments and his fascination with my lady parts that almost seem unhealthy to me or maybe just weird. I'm trying to figure out how to explain to him again, yet more stern, that I don't enjoy excessive compliments. I had issues in the past even accepting compliments from people, it's uncomfortable to receive them multiple times a day. It's actually starting to turn me off more and more.

I think I'm a highly sensitive person where I get overstimulated very easily with anything so this is one of those situations that although he's being super sweet and caring and is just a horny pervert (his words), I'm overstimulated by it all.

Can anyone relate? I know many people won't understand where I'm coming from and all. But this is the first relationship I've been in where it's this crazy and I'm in my lower 30's.

[PaintWithLight]

This guy is a short timer and he knows it. He is out to grab as much of the goodies as he can before you kick him to the curb. He has some kind of achievement scale where he wants to push you into new areas solely for his own enjoyment. He does not sound trust worthy at all.

 

You guys are LDR and that is a fragile state. I think he knows it is going to end one day but by then he will have had some great anal with you and have a bag full of compromising photos to relive his glory days. He is using the trojan horse of a relationship with you to give him access to his quirks and obsessions. There is a real lady behind the lady parts but he doesn't care. For him, it is all about his kinks.

 

Listen to his words. He is a perv who is playing sensitive boyfriend but he cannot hold the mask in place. He constantly breaks down into his obsessions that have nothing to do with bonding with you and making your relationship grow. Groping you is not carressing you. Sneaking pics of you for his spank bank while you are unaware is not caring. Belittling your boundaries with stories of how his other woman loved doing things is not sensitive.

 

I am sorry this guy is not what you are trying to build him into. The super sweet attempts are just cover for the horn dog to operate and get his thrills.

[Heather Dawn]

Just want to second PWL, and add that it's even more skeevy coming from a guy in his 30s.

[milly007]

Hi OP, I once met a guy like this, but he didn't show his true colours until the second date. After having a couple of drinks, his demeanour completely changed and he was grabbing me in places and saying things that I couldn't believe (in public about my body, etc.). I thought maybe it was the alcohol (not that this would excuse his behaviour), but this behaviour continued on the next date (and he didn't have anything to drink). I still can't believe I went out with him on a third occasion, now that I look back. This guy was definitely not my type and my inclination was that yeah, he was just looking for some cheap thrills and there was no way we would or could connect on an emotional/mental level. I felt like a piece of meat in his presence and although he had his gentlemanly moments, I wasn't falling for it. He would only act like gentleman in hopes of getting something in return (sexually, I assume). He was a creeper, for sure.

[Irisheyez82]

We've been in a relationship for a year and 1/2 now. He warned me at the beginning he may be more of a perv than I thought. I didn't think it was bad though. Thing is is that he is serious about me. Wants to spend his life with me, although I don't reply in the same manner, I'm still dertermining that. I don't think he's the type you describe. But I do think he's very sexual and it's hard to turn himself off, but, I don't think he tries often. Lol. I do trust him in many ways. I have yet to trust him enough with some of my deeper levels of why things like inebriated sex and anal are not emotionally comfortable for me. I think he just has a whole different background of women he's dated. He was married to a stripper for a short time in his late teens.

Emotionally I think his feelings are real for me, but I also think that much are based on my looks (which I'm not a super model or anything) lol. But yeah, he's talked down on my past boyfriends because he was surprised that they didn't do the things that he likes to do. He's way into porn and I think that's where his problem lies. He sees these things in porn and he wants to incorporate me into his porn fantasies. I'm not a role play, dirty talk (other than the occasional F word girl) in the sack.

He's mentioned the "M" word and kids multiple times, I don't converse much about all that because I don't talk about those things until I know I'm in a relationship that will last. Therefore, again, I'm still figuring this one out.

[reinventmyself]

Basically he is objectifying you. He doesn't seem to seeing you as an individual with feelings and preferences, but instead has reduced you to body parts.

We may like chocolate cake but if it was forced upon us relentlessly we would begin to hate it.

Not only doesn't he listen when you share your discomfort he tries to humiliate you comparing you to others. . as if there is something not right about how you interpret

his unwanted attention.

None of this looks good and I would probably attempt to justify it the way you have by it being a LDR and he's trying to get his fill. But it's not ok at your expense and if make you feel uncomfortable.

 

This could also boil down to you two just being a mismatch. . .something to consider.

[Irisheyez82]

Yeah and my boyfriend wasn't ever that crude in the beginning. It took a few dates over the course of 2ish months before we slept together. It's like he was gradually introducing his colors.

[Irisheyez82]

Basically he is objectifying you. He doesn't seem to seeing you as an individual with feelings and preferences, but instead has reduced you to body parts.

We may like chocolate cake but if it was forced upon you relentlessly you would begin to hate it.

Not only doesn't he listen when you share you discomfort he tries to humiliate you comparing you to others. . as if there is something not right about how you interpret

his unwanted attention.

None of this looks good and I would probably attempt to justify it the way you have by it being a LDR and he's trying to get his fill. But it's not ok at your expense and if make you feel uncomfortable.

 

This could also boil down to you two just being a mismatch. . .something to consider.

 

I see your points. And I will be talking with him about it all tonight with more of a stern attitude. I'm really just too nice. I hate confrontations. I know he wants me to share my feelings more because that's all he does to me. I'm a little closed off when it comes to anything that could hurt another person, yet I end up getting hurt more and more the more I shut my mouth. It builds resentment and that's my fault really. I will have to see how the conversation goes tonight. We are kind of stuck together at my house for the night so I hope it goes well! HA!

[milly007]

Yeah and my boyfriend wasn't ever that crude in the beginning. It took a few dates over the course of 2ish months before we slept together. It's like he was gradually introducing his colors.

 

Do you know how you're going to handle it, OP? Are you thinking of talking to him about it? Or do you have some other plan in mind?

 

EDIT - Just saw your post above. Good luck with the conversation!

[Jennifer89]

If he was truly into you, he'd want to go out and do things with you when you finally get to see each other, then go home and get to the physical stuff after going out and spending time with each other all day. I'm sorry, but, it seems like he's only with you because he knows he'll get laid when you visit. Cut him loose, you can have casual sex on your schedule at home without taking time off to visit him and keeping up with all the emotions long distance, or, find someone closer to home to date who wants to really be with you, not just your body.

[Irisheyez82]

Thanks

[Irisheyez82]

If he was truly into you, he'd want to go out and do things with you when you finally get to see each other, then go home and get to the physical stuff after going out and spending time with each other all day. I'm sorry, but, it seems like he's only with you because he knows he'll get laid when you visit. Cut him loose, you can have casual sex on your schedule at home without taking time off to visit him and keeping up with all the emotions long distance, or, find someone closer to home to date who wants to really be with you, not just your body.

 

 

Oh we definitely go out and such. He comes to visit my friends with me and plays with the kids I go visit. There's a lot of good compromising with things outside of intimacy. When I go to visit him he has lots planned where he lives. I don't mean to put him in a bad light where all he wants to do is have sex. I mean I'm sure he does but he at least controls that. I'll act irritated when he gives me a hug and gropes my boobs at the same time then says "I can't help it, they are just so wonderful". Like that is an excuse.

If it wasn't mulitple times a day, I could handle it. Maybe I can challenge him to a day of no groping or verbal sexual innuendos. Lol.

[Irisheyez82]

Ok another question, I was a little weirded out by this.

He gave me a present for our "sexaversary" is what he called it. It was a "toy". He wrote a note with it saying that because it's (my special place) is so important to him he wanted to make sure it was taken care of while he was away.

When I'm stressed with school and work, I don't have much time to think about that. He's a person who will masturbate daily so yeah, it's on his mind a lot. Me, I'm lucky if I feel up to it twice a month by myself. You know?

It's easier to talk with strangers about this rather than my 64 year old counselor. Lol.

[PaintWithLight]

Ok another question, I was a little weirded out by this.

He gave me a present for our "sexaversary" is what he called it. It was a "toy". He wrote a note with it saying that because it's (my special place) is so important to him he wanted to make sure it was taken care of while he was away.

When I'm stressed with school and work, I don't have much time to think about that. He's a person who will masturbate daily so yeah, it's on his mind a lot. Me, I'm lucky if I feel up to it twice a month by myself. You know?

It's easier to talk with strangers about this rather than my 64 year old counselor. Lol.

 

The red flags just keep coming.... What about that gift was right for you? It was all about him. His obsessions, his ownership of your body, his control of you while he is not there to grope you. Yuck. I think the only reason that you have lasted this long is because you do not live with him or see him every day.

 

Of course he wants to marry you. He wants a lifetime pass to the fun zone with a partner who has to go along with his quirks. You defend him as a nice guy playing with the children but in the next breath you say he cannot even give you a hug without grabbing your breasts. This is not a high sex drive. This is someone who wants you to play the roles from his fav porno movies. Can't you see that his objectification is not love? This is a 30-year old man acting like a sex starved teenage boy.

[IAmFCA]

In any event, you are not well matched.

 

There are lots of people who want it daily.

There are lots of people who want it occasionally.

There are lots of people who want it in between.

 

CHOOSE someone who fits you. Don't force yourself into someone else's mold.

 

Whether he is over the top or not (he is) is a distraction. He is not right for you.

[Jennifer89]

He sounds like he's 16. Nothin' wrong with the occasional pinch or grope, but every time he hugs you? No. You already know he thinks about you as a **** buddy more then a girlfriend. Believe me, there is a man in your area who would take you out twice a month and treat you as more then a sex toy. I'm also a full time student and for the better part of the last semester, I was working two jobs. I felt drained by my boyfriend and that was one of the reasons I broke up with him. I was venting to someone about it and he said "The right person won't leave you feeling drained, you will feel energized when you get to spend time with them." I took those words to heart. The guy I am pursuing (not dating, yet) at the moment makes me feel awake and alive when I see him. It is really refreshing.

[reinventmyself]

Ok another question, I was a little weirded out by this.

He gave me a present for our "sexaversary" is what he called it. It was a "toy". He wrote a note with it saying that because it's (my special place) is so important to him he wanted to make sure it was taken care of while he was away.

When I'm stressed with school and work, I don't have much time to think about that. He's a person who will masturbate daily so yeah, it's on his mind a lot. Me, I'm lucky if I feel up to it twice a month by myself. You know?

It's easier to talk with strangers about this rather than my 64 year old counselor. Lol.

 

He doesn't give up and clearly you are not buying into this and he can sense it. But that's alright because by what you have shared I don't think he cares. Something is amiss here. . I would be afraid to dig deeper into what exactly is going on with him. But that's just my opinion.

[reinventmyself]

. .Maybe I am projecting a bit here but I dated someone similar (not the same but similar) and in our initial stages he once got a `sext' of a scantily clad torso on his phone that I saw and grumbled something about the annoying spam he was getting. Something was amiss and without going into details I ended it and found myself searching adult websites because of that sext (and other clues) and found him on a website that people mutually masturbate via web cam and IM and such. (gross) All the pieces fit together, his inability to connect on an emotional level, his issues with climaxing and the unsolicited odd comments he would make at inappropriate times. To this day he is still on this site daily and not in a relationship . . I dated him well over a year ago. He is rather introverted and in a lot of ways I feel sad for him because I think the adult website is easier for him to deal with than a real relastionship

[Irisheyez82]

Thanks for everyone's input. I really appreciate it all.

[Hollyj]

Very disrespectful! He sounds like a creep!

 

It's not so "1940's" to not want to have your pic taken. My god, you repeatedly hear how shots are posted on the internet after a break up. It's also really manipulative to compare you to other girls. Not cool!

 

BTW, he's not a child where you need to repeat a grievance. he knows you don't like it, he simply doesn't care.

 

Something is wrong with this guy. Find someone who will respect you.

[tiredofvampires]

Wow, people have really beat up on this dude.

 

First, let's look at the things you've said about your bf that make him relationship material, which demonstrate his treating you as more than a sex object:

 

-- he solicits your talking about your feelings, and wants you to share more than you do, emotionally

-- he's generous and demonstrative in all sorts of ways outside the bedroom, helping you with things

-- he goes to events that matter to you, participates in your life

-- he's interested in your friends

-- he plans things and events when you come to visit him, to enjoy things outside the bedroom

-- he's got skills in communication and compromise

-- he's been committed and exclusive with you despite being in an LDR (which is hard, especially when you're a very tactile person) for a year-and-a-half, and the honeymoon phase still hasn't worn off for him

 

 

So let's look at his negative points now:

 

-- he makes remarks about you that compare you to other women and what they liked

-- he sneaks pictures behind your back

-- he "gropes" you when you don't want it, which is frequently

-- he compliments your body constantly

-- he's enchanted with your lady parts, to the point that it feels "weird" and "obsessive"

-- he talks dirty even though you don't

-- he's into porn (a lot), and it may be inspiring him to ask you to try things with him

 

When I look at the first list, I see a solid man with solid marriage potential.

 

When I look at the second list, I see two possibilities:

 

1. A man who is inconsiderately using you as a sex object, as a collection of body parts to idealize, is careless about your feelings, and who is more interested in sex acts than you as a person.

2. A man who is extremely uninhibited sexually, shares his thoughts and feelings freely without self-censorship, feels that's part of the intimacy equation, has an adventurous and versatile appetite, is highly sensual and makes sex into a very sensory-dense experience (loves to hear the talk, loves to speak, loves to touch and express it).

 

Given the fact that you say you don't like confrontation, that you feel you've not been very forthcoming with him (and that he's always trying to get you to talk and share your feelings more), you don't really speak up, and given how you come accross to me in this thread as pretty conservative in your tastes and to be honest, somewhat inhibited (there are a lot of women who don't need or watch much porn to want to talk really dirty; some couples also enjoy the liberating feeling of sharing their previous experiences within the context of trust and confidence); you appear to feel self-conscious in general, but are especially reserved in the bedroom...so which of the 2 interpretations of this man seems more fitting? He's not here to defend himself, so is #1 or #2 more likely, given what you've told us and conveyed about your own issues?

 

I'm not saying I know this guy's completely blameless here or has no issues. Perhaps he hasn't perfectly listened or tuned in to you, but people aren't mind-readers or perfect (and we don't really know how clearly/vaguely you expressed your wishes), and given he's tried to be open and invite that, and you haven't been, we might chalk his "blunders" up to trying clumsily to put you more at ease with new things. There's a good chance that they're being presented here in a light that reflects your own interpretation more than anything he's actually doing "wrong". Based on your lack of assertiveness alone, he may be unaware that you feel as strongly as you do, and whatever is influencing him, he's just a highly-sexed, kinky, sexually adventurous and verbal person whose use of porn is just part of the menu, and he's literally trying to shove a square peg into a round hole with you but doesn't realize it. So I could chalk up every "sex-objectifying" thing you've described here as "spin", based on the fact that you're simply incompatible and really haven't given him a chance to understand your needs.

 

And that's what my guess is here. I have been with men like this. And in a couple of cases (one was a boyfriend, one was a brief FWB situation), I felt objectified by too many pictures taken, too many effusive compliments, and idealizations of "femininity", like I was more of a symbol than an individual woman. So I know the feeling over being over-complimented and overwhelmed, and feeling guilty about that (your initial OP sentences had me nodding). But these guys didn't have all the qualities your guy has, which I listed in my first list to recommend them as longterm propositions. Also, I have had one lover who was like this and it felt much more integrated with me as a whole person, so I was gung-ho about his enthusiasm. It really does depend on how many other ways the man shows care and affection, outside of sex, and whether he's able to be balanced and not romanticize you overall. And it sounds like you bf has a fairly balanced and complete picture going on.

 

I really do think you're probably sexually incompatible, and that you shouldn't continue a relationship with him. He is probably going to want a level of participation in sex with you that you don't feel comfortable with. You want vanilla, he wants rocky road swirled with pistachio. He'll touch you in a way some women would find lustily sexy, and you'll call it "groping", which is entirely subjective. He'll luxuriate in the aesthetic beauty of your lady parts (how awesome! to a woman who loves the attentiveness) and you'll call it "weird" or "quirky" or creepy. He's grab your ass, and you'll feel violated; he'll look at you in adoration and you'll feel ogled. This is not going to work and you can't really change the way he's wired. You don't even seem to share the same libido in terms of frequency/desire. He's wired this way, just as you're wired the way you are, and you can tell him to tamp it down, but then HE will start to feel repressed and resentful.

 

I don't see this as either of you being right or wrong, it's just different strokes for different folks. He's got a style that makes you feel ick, and he should probably be with someone who enjoys the kind of expressiveness that comes with his sexuality. (Married to a stripper in his late teens is the only really red flag to me; but if he's been in a monogamous relationship with you with all the things you mentioned that I put in that list, he doesn't sound like a sex addict or someone with anything except a degree and type of appetite you don't share.)

 

I think if you marry there's a high chance of becoming a divorce statistic. My suggestion is a break-up. A no-fault one.

[tiredofvampires]

Just re-read your OP, and one thing that does stand out is that when you told him to stop taking pics, he said, "Grow up. Couples do this all the time."

 

So I don't think if he used those words, that's respectful. Also, it's not clear how often you see him, so I'm not sure how much you feel you really know eachother. I still think your compatibility is poor, sexually, and it's hard to put that one comment in context, but if he said those very words, that's bad news. It's not clear how much he's frustrated by this situation (though that's no excuse to talk like that) and there's a lack of proper communication on both ends, but either way, it's just more evidence that you're not well-suited.