Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I'm not even sure where to begin with this so I'm going to keep it as short as possible. About 5 years ago I met my ex-girlfriend online on some forum. We sent messages back and forth, eventually exchanged numbers and skyped often and became fast friends (we were both still in high school at this point). After a while, even though it was a long distance friendship, it became more than that. She eventually asked if I'd like to be her girlfriend and we started a long distance relationship. We lasted a little over a year before breaking up. This is where it starts to get complicated. During our breakup a lot of things surfaces. The reason for breaking up had been her cheating on me. When that information first came out I broke it up immediately. But being so young and it being my first love I had to know why she'd ever do something like that. It turns out it had happened because she'd started doing a lot of drugs with a coworker of hers and ended up being convinced. It came out that she had A LOT of underlying problems that I hadn't even known about, that spawned so many dormant problems, such as her having been raped when she was 13, and having a long term eating disorder. She's a few years older than me too so hearing about all of these things she went through, issues I knew virtually anything about yet, was hard to deal with. We stopped talking for awhile. Eventually we talked again because I can't stand leaving things on a bad note/I was still so young and didn't really care if I shouldn't talk to her again. She confessed that she had recently talked out everything that happened between us with her sister and realized how awful she treated me and how she shouldn't have been in a relationship when she had so much personal stuff going on. She apologized deeply and didn't try to make any excuses for her behavior. After this we talked on and off, having periods of being friends again and just not talking (not for any particular reason but just not thinking to do it.) There was even a time about two years ago where we dated again for maybe three months but it just kind of tapered out and we stopped talking. When I started college I got back in touch with her and found out all this horrible stuff she'd gone through when we hadn't spoken. She'd gotten involved with a HORRIBLY abusive guy, abusive and crazy to the point where he had threatened her life and the lives of people around her, I think she mentioned he was an ex-con even. She'd only just broken up with him, and she confided in me that she relapsed in her eating disorder and I was the only person in her real life that knew about it. At the moment we're very good friends, everything of the past resolved, and I've been here for her a lot when she is having problems which I love since as I mentioned, in our first relationship she never talked about her problems. I feel like we've both grown so much as people, as that happens over five years. The problem with being such good friends again is that now feelings resurface, especially since this is the best we've ever been together. She has a very flirty type personality and I can never tell if she's actually coming onto me again or just messing around. TL;DR My ex and I with A LOT of history are in a really good place right now, I want to tell her and maybe see where things can go, but she's recently going through a lot of and might not be able to handle a relationship/not sure if the feelings are still mutual. God that was so much longer than intended. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Have you met? Has she sought counseling? Link to comment
Shadowbite Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Are you female or male? Just curious as you come accross as a male, but your gender says female. (don't take it as the wrong way) Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Have you met? Has she sought counseling? We haven't met as we live literally on opposite sides of the country. Yes she's been in therapy/counseling for years now. Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Are you female or male? Just curious as you come accross as a male, but your gender says female. (don't take it as the wrong way) I'm a female. (cis, aka born and identify as a female if that makes any difference). I'm a lesbian, she's bi (hence her last relationship being with a man). Hope that clears it up! No offense taken. I'm kind of a tomboy so maybe that's why it came off like I'm a guy haha Link to comment
Shadowbite Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Our relationships are too much in common, felt like I was reading the story of my love life... Anyhow, I think you should tread lightly. In other words, I believe you should go for it, but do it very very slowly. Realize that if you do go in, you might get burned badly... You have a lot of ways to be burned badly.. But if you are willing to take that risk, Go for it.. Take it slow though, one step at a time. Don't let memories push you too fast into old habbits (whether good or bad). Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Sorry, but this relationship is a fantasy. You're living your life through technology, How can you have a relationship with someone you do not interact with on a regular basis, much less met? You do not see how you interact with others, much less with one another. I am sorry for all of her problems. it sounds like she has had a horrible life. I don't know what you want out of this, but it seems like you have wasted so much time on something that does not exist. Please get off the computer, and find someone local that you can have an normal interaction/relationship with. Lastly, if you can do friends. Great! If not, I would move on from the situation Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Our relationships are too much in common, felt like I was reading the story of my love life... Anyhow, I think you should tread lightly. In other words, I believe you should go for it, but do it very very slowly. Realize that if you do go in, you might get burned badly... You have a lot of ways to be burned badly.. But if you are willing to take that risk, Go for it.. Take it slow though, one step at a time. Don't let memories push you too fast into old habbits (whether good or bad). Man, I'm sorry to hear that haha. The good parts were great but the bad parts.. wouldn't want anyone to have to go through that. Thanks for the advice! I think I'm gonna try. I think I might tell her how I still feel, but make it clear that I don't expect anything from her right now if she still feels the same way. I'll always be there for her, of course, but I don't want to make her feel obligated to be with me immediately after I lay my feelings out there, since she's had to go through so much these past months. If that makes sense? Slow and cautious sounds like the right idea! Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Sorry, but this relationship is a fantasy. You're living your life through technology, How can you have a relationship with someone you do not interact with on a regular basis, much less met? You do not see how you interact with others, much less with one another. I am sorry for all of her problems. it sounds like she has had a horrible life. I don't know what you want out of this, but it seems like you have wasted so much time on something that does not exist. Please get off the computer, and find someone local that you can have an normal interaction/relationship with. Lastly, if you can do friends. Great! If not, I would move on from the situation I can see how you feel that way but I don't really see it that way. With texting, phone calls, Skype, its more interaction than I'd have with most of my friends I've met face to face. To think that its not possible to find someone you could be close friends with or have feelings for that happen to live far away doesn't make much sense to me. It's not as if she's make believe? Many people have met through the means of the internet, eventually had the opportunity to get together physically, and things have worked out. My aunt and uncle met through a dating site and now they're married with three kids. Regardless, thank you for your advice. It's hard to let go of things from the past and probably even more so now that I'm at an out of state college where I know absolutely no one and feel alone without even just my friends from back home. I'll keep your advice in mind. Link to comment
Shadowbite Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I would like to pm you personally, about this. Our relationships are very alike in a lot of ways. Feel like we may be able to offer each other personal advice since our history is very, very.. similar. This is up to you though. Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 I would like to pm you personally, about this. Our relationships are very alike in a lot of ways. Feel like we may be able to offer each other personal advice since our history is very, very.. similar. This is up to you though. Sure! I'm cool with that! Link to comment
Shadowbite Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Your profile doesn't allow it, you would have to enable it/allow it. Either that or try pming me. Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Your profile doesn't allow it, you would have to enable it/allow it. Either that or try pming me. oops I just registered today I'll try to fix that right now! Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Your profile doesn't allow it, you would have to enable it/allow it. Either that or try pming me. She is unable to send or receive PM's as a new member and needs more posts before the PM is enabled. Link to comment
Shadowbite Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 She is unable to send or receive PM's as a new member and needs more posts before the PM is enabled. Ah, never knew this. My bad, thanks for letting us know. Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Ah, never knew this. My bad, thanks for letting us know. I'll keep posting on the forum then send you a PM when it allows it! Link to comment
Tinydance Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Well could I just ask you a question actually, do you honestly feel fullfilled to have a friendship and relationship for so many years that is not physical at all? I don't even mean sex (though in my opinion that's really important), but no kissing, cuddling, holding hands. No going places and sharing physical experiences, e.g. go to the movies, dinner, walks, and so on. Why have you not met this girl in person? Do you live so far away that you can't even meet? Link to comment
WithLove Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 It sounds like to me, you feel a bit obligated to save this person. That's all well and good, but please keep in mind that this is an online and long distance relationship. Once you log off, there's nothing you can do for her. She can choose to ignore texts and phone calls. You don't know what she's doing in her every day life. My first relationship was online and long distance at the beginning. I did end up moving in with him, for all the wrong reasons. It was a disaster. I'm not saying I would change it, given that I learn so much about myself and what I look for in a partner from that relationship, but I definitely regret the manner in which I moved in with him and that because I was so young and inexperienced at life, I just could not handle all the stress that came with a live-in boyfriend. Please think really hard about what you want and what you'll get out of this relationship. Good luck! Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Well could I just ask you a question actually, do you honestly feel fullfilled to have a friendship and relationship for so many years that is not physical at all? I don't even mean sex (though in my opinion that's really important), but no kissing, cuddling, holding hands. No going places and sharing physical experiences, e.g. go to the movies, dinner, walks, and so on. Why have you not met this girl in person? Do you live so far away that you can't even meet? It is very hard not being able to do those thing but that's the trouble with any LDR. We've skyped, watched movies together over skyped, mailed each other presents, all the ways to try to feel a little closer with the distances. It's with an end goal in mind of meeting, not staying this way forever. I said in an earlier post that the distance is significant. I'm in Tampa she's in Seattle. I'm a college freshman with no job and she still lives at home. Neither one of us has the money to make that kind of trip, it's not that easy. Link to comment
Stuckinaloop Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 I don't know if it's obligation so much... Even during the times we didn't talk I thought about her all the time. I don't think my feelings ever went away so I guess it's more so me being kind of selfish? I get what you're saying though and will keep your advice and experiences in mind thank you! Link to comment
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