25 year old virgin on why he never had a real girlfriend

[notalady]

Came accross this article today and thought it provides an interesting perspective. Considering the number of times I see on here people complaining about not being able to find someone, I think it's worth sharing.

 

link removed

[fragmint]

Pretty good article and I like that it highlights the main problem which is really a lack of communication and a lot of assumptions being made about each other.

 

 

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[jonny15]

LOL. That wasn't even close to a good article. He has good looking women attracted to him.

 

He got a date with a beauty queen. LOL And he's a motivational speaker. He might be missing a leg, but he's obviously an extrovert that is considered to be atleast decent looking. Decent looking enough to attract good looking women.

[notalady]

The point of the article is that he let his own (mis)interpretation of others and his lack of confidence get in the way and blamed it on his disability, just like many would attribute the lack of success with women to what they think is the reason, whether it be looks or otherwise, but when this guy spoke to the women he thought rejected him in the past, they didn't actually reject him and it certainly wasn't because of his disability.

[Rosti87]

Attitude is very important. Everyone has a cross to bear when it comes to dating. Depending on what country you live in your ethnicity gives challenges. Age can be a factor. Disabilities... Etc.

 

One can transcend these odds by having a better attitude and maximizing what one has and improving ones communication skills.

 

Negative attitudes get one nowhere fast.

[faraday]

I follow josh on fb. He's an interesting guy. His proposal was really sweet.

 

I think going back and getting exit interviews is a great idea for people struggling to get into a relationship.

 

 

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[Daryl Basarab]

The issue isn't so much that he didn't have a girlfriend, but that he wanted one and couldn't get one, and thought people were showing interest when they weren't.

 

If in fact he just was an anti-social person, it wouldn't be a problem, it would be an accomplishment. His problem is that he's a failed pro-social rather than an anti-social.

[SoulTaker]

I agree. It's not a great article, since he really only listed one real date, but it does bring up the lack of communications, and assumptions.

 

One message that I got out of it is that when you go out with someone, you need to go into "info gathering" mode and learn as much as possible about the other person, without requesting details (single, divorced, children, casual, serious, future goals,...). He went on two dates with one woman, without finding out that she had just been divorced.

[boyblue]

Those excuses given by the women are so lame, why didn't they just tell the truth that they simple didn't want to be with him? He was acting like a wuss.

[Blue Spiral]

This is what's known as an "exception to the rule". The media tends to love stories like this, as they're "man bites dog" stories: some person is in a horrible situation, but they overcome it! The reason that it's news...is because most people in horrible situations don't overcome them. One person being able to do something doesn't mean that everyone can do it, or even most people.

 

You can keep your misleading, faux-cheerful anecdotes: I'd much rather address the truth behind the situation, as opposed to giving someone false hope (usually in order to get them to stop complaining).

[Rosti87]

This is what's known as an "exception to the rule". The media tends to love stories like this, as they're "man bites dog" stories: some person is in a horrible situation, but they overcome it! The reason that it's news...is because most people in horrible situations don't overcome them. One person being able to do something doesn't mean that everyone can do it, or even most people.

 

You can keep your misleading, faux-cheerful anecdotes: I'd much rather address the truth behind the situation, as opposed to giving someone false hope (usually in order to get them to stop complaining).

 

I still think you view life in a binary way. There is grey in life. It is not just yay or nay. Life is what you put into it. If you don't want to put anything into it and are okay with the results so be it.

 

I'm not pollyanish, but I'm not the Darth Vader of love and relationships either. There is a medium range you know.

[Blue Spiral]

I still think you view life in a binary way. There is grey in life. It is not just yay or nay. Life is what you put into it. If you don't want to put anything into it and are okay with the results so be it.

 

I'm not pollyanish, but I'm not the Darth Vader of love and relationships either. There is a medium range you know.

 

What's Darth Vader about saying "Y'know, we probably shouldn't base our opinions on people who are the exception to the rule"? If one person pulls off a miracle and makes it to the top of Mt. Everest in summer clothes (ridiculous example, I know), does that mean that everyone should try it? My philosophy isn't binary at all, it's more "Yeah, some people are really lucky...but I'd rather not bet my life/happiness on being as lucky as the luckiest people."

[Lonewing]

Everybody wanting to be the exception to the rule nowadays, when the rule is, we're all running around with impossible expectations and no willingness to compromise on anything [because when we do, it usually becomes "we do it the other persons way all the time and I compromise by accepting it that way"]. Meanwhile, the back end of the rule is that at the end of it, there's a nice big slaughterhouse with two doors, one where the butcher goes in and the other waiting to take the other in and serve on everybody's platter but its own. Only you won't know which chute you're running down until it's already too late. The only reason the marriage success rate is still around 50% is because so many old people are still alive preserving that average.

 

Some times I'm quite happy I was not bestowed with the gifts that would have given me a leveler table in this game. It's saved me a lot of grief!

 

This guy got hung up on three girls who simply weren't/aren't/haven't been emotionally available/able to handle a real relationship. Hence the first one who melted down, the second one who only saw herself, and the third who still hasn't come to terms with why she's divorced. I think that's putting it nicely enough.

 

A whole lot of people are single because the people who would be out partners are not here.

 

They have decided they're going to take an extended adolescent-hood right up until they hit 30 and get the big wakeup. They they'll take this Safe person, but this person is going to have to be fine with their exs, ex-husbands, kids, the incurable STDs, and fifteen years of unresolved psychology that is complex enough to send the psychologist's kid through college. This on top of no savings and a bottoming out, a "I really want/don't want/don't want another kid," "don't mind my ex, the ex may be over now and then"...

 

It's not women, it's not men, it's both streams. Granted, some people have it a whole lot easier finding a night, but that's because those who used to give the others weeks and months got tired of putting up with the cow when they could get the milk for free. Why keep the bull when you only want a horn?

 

The reason his current works out is because she's a different girl. Not so much because he did anything differently versus the last three, but because she's a completely different girl than his first three.

[Rosti87]

What happened to developing good filtering skills? Being able to pick up signs earlier enough to screen out the muck? I agree there are plenty of incompatibles out there but screening skills are key.

 

I don't disagree with the marriage statistics and we will probably agree on some of the reasons that they exist. I know many blame technology on this issue while others blame other people outside themselves.

 

Life is not fair. There are things that happen in life and exist in life that are totally out of our control. Before the internet, before the 21st century there were plenty of institutions (Jim Crow, anti-Gay laws, etc.) That kept people from enjoying their lives in general. Sitting around complaining about it and taking on the role of the victim would not have been a good option.

 

One cannot change things out of our control but we can change our attitudes and find and create options out of the muck. It may make our lives tougher than others who are more 'privileged' but joy and happiness comes from within yourself not from outside yourself.

 

One can sit here and blame others for feeling entitled to make relationship mistakes and then still expect to find love later. Yet others who don't take the effort to improve their lot because it is not fair because (fill in the blank with disadvantage) of this or that is no less guiltier than the people they accuse.

 

There has always been a hierarchy in society. The criteria changes throughout history but it has always been there. So my question is do I lay down, roll over and die? Do I build up resentment towards others who take advantage of their privilege? Or do I make the most of of my life with the hand of cards I am dealt and enjoy the life that I have?

 

It only takes one person to have a mate. Some run through multiple mates, some only have one, some won't have a mate until they are much older a few will never have a mate. But if people cannot face the reality of what is and is not under their control and change their attitude accordingly then their unhappiness is on them. Not on the people who are getting on with their lives.

 

Life is too darn short to sit around kvetching.

[Iggles]

This is what's known as an "exception to the rule". The media tends to love stories like this, as they're "man bites dog" stories: some person is in a horrible situation, but they overcome it! The reason that it's news...is because most people in horrible situations don't overcome them. One person being able to do something doesn't mean that everyone can do it, or even most people.

 

I actually agree with this. If there's no happy ending, the media would lose interest.

 

Still in this particular stories, his lessons learned can be helpful to folks whose lack of confidence is the key factor holding them back from finding love.

 

What happened to developing good filtering skills? Being able to pick up signs earlier enough to screen out the muck? I agree there are plenty of incompatibles out there but screening skills are key.

 

I've had this argument with friends so many times! Screening is 80% of dating. Filtering out bad matches is a better strategy than casting a very wide net.

 

Life is not fair. There are things that happen in life and exist in life that are totally out of our control. Before the internet, before the 21st century there were plenty of institutions (Jim Crow, anti-Gay laws, etc.) That kept people from enjoying their lives in general. Sitting around complaining about it and taking on the role of the victim would not have been a good option.

 

^^ This!!

 

Some people never get over finding out fairness is a childhood illusion. It breaks their hearts and they can't move past it.

 

It only takes one person to have a mate. Some run through multiple mates, some only have one, some won't have a mate until they are much older a few will never have a mate. But if people cannot face the reality of what is and is not under their control and change their attitude accordingly then their unhappiness is on them. Not on the people who are getting on with their lives.

 

Life is too darn short to sit around kvetching.

 

^^ Truth!

 

Our time on this Earth is limited. Quality of our personal connections is worth so much more than the status of having "many". Do you really need 500 Facebook friends? Or is having 5 people you can really count on and spend time with in person matter more?

 

When it comes to dating and looking for love, despite all the searching and heartache -- in the end you one need to find 1 person.

[Jean-Luc]

The problem with this sometimes is that, how many times have potentially good or great relationships never happened because people decide to move on from someone that doesn't necessarily give off the best first impression or everything doesn't go almost perfectly during the very short time they're getting to know them. One mistake or slip up is all it takes a lot of the times it seems, and I think it goes along with the idea that people's expectations are far too high and they're way too picky as well. Sure if someone consistently proves that they're not worth the time, move on. However often times people don't get more than one chance, therefore spelling lots of missed opportunities for a lot of people.

 

Life is too short to be so judgmental right off the bat and sometimes the "early signs" can be very wrong. I see this happen fairly regularly.

[Rosti87]

@iggles. Love your statement about quality over quantity. There was another thread on here where we were talking about social media and how it has affected dating.

 

I don't deny that social media has affected dating but some people have abused or overused social media to their detriment. Having 50 million friends and adding dating prospects on their lists wreaks havoc and blurs the boundaries of relationships.

 

What is shared there has gone overboard. Online dating tools are misused.

 

People need to stop looking for the soft option and get real about relationships and life in general.

[Rosti87]

My daughter shares her dating experiences with me. I have met some of them. I have been on this earth a long time and have developed a keen sense of picking up red flags on people early on. My daughter is still honing her skills. I have pointed out to her red and yellow flags I have seen with her prospects. I share them with her but she still wanted to wait and give them a chance.

 

I watched her spend a whole year on someone hoping they would improve or mature or get better. It ended up her doing most of the emotional work because the other was lacking the skills.

 

Between her sharing with me some of the things that person said, did not say. How they reacted to various situations, how they treated others I told my daughter what I saw as red flags.

 

She ignored my observations and a year later she had to end it due to the red flags that showed up at the very beginning. She learned a hard lesson from that experience and is much more observant at the beginning and screens more carefully.

 

You may call this picky but I call this having the ability to find the most compatible mate one can muster. If one is going to spend years with a person they should not be constantly in the role of over compensating for a mate who consistently falls short. That makes for a very stressful life for the person doing the babysitting.

 

People need to be 'evenly yoked.' I'm not against an established couple during hard times sticking in there with their spouse through thick and thin. But overcompensating and ignoring obvious signs that the person is not compatible with you in the honeymoon phase thinking it will get better is delusional at best.

 

Natural selection is still alive in humankind despite all this technical progress and a strong thriving human being is going to be highly selective about a mate for a LTR.

[Jean-Luc]

Yes, but just because its happened to your daughter and maybe you at times as well, doesn't mean that it will or does for everyone else. Your daughter's cases would be like I mentioned before. They've consistently shown they're not worth the time or that it's better to find someone else. My main point is that when people judge too quickly just because of potential "red flags" they think they see early on, they may be robbing themselves of something good if not great. Sometimes you're right and sometimes you're not and I've known a few times where one person actually gave somebody another chance, where most other people wouldn't because of above attitude, and it worked out very well. You shouldn't waste too much time on someone however that it obviously isn't going to go anywhere with.

[Rosti87]

Yes, but just because its happened to your daughter and maybe you at times as well, doesn't mean that it will or does for everyone else. Your daughter's cases would be like I mentioned before. They've consistently shown they're not worth the time or that it's better to find someone else. My main point is that when people judge too quickly just because of potential "red flags" they think they see early on, they may be robbing themselves of something good if not great. Sometimes you're right and sometimes you're not and I've known a few times where one person actually gave somebody another chance, where most other people wouldn't because of above attitude, and it worked out very well. You shouldn't waste too much time on someone however that it obviously isn't going to go anywhere with.

 

To be more precise, I saw red flags when she initially met this person. Probably within a month of her knowing them. There are patterns of behaviour at the beginning of a relationship that indicates probable problems going forward. I'm not talking about awkward behaviour here. I'm speaking to indicators that show insecurities, possesiveness, emotional immaturity, inability to express feelings and various character traits that are not compatible or will not complement one's personality or core values.

 

Those can be seen early on usually within a couple of months of meeting someone.

[notalady]

The guy interviewed 12 girls (not 3) and wrote a book about it, presumably that's why it's in the news. The reason I'm sharing it is not to look at the particular cases in that article, but the fact that sometimes people need to look within for reasons of why they're not getting where/what they want, and the real reason could in fact be miles away from what you thought the reason was, and that is something to learn from and improve yourself.

[Rosti87]

The guy interviewed 12 girls (not 3) and wrote a book about it, presumably that's why it's in the news. The reason I'm sharing it is not to look at the particular cases in that article, but the fact that sometimes people need to look within for reasons of why they're not getting where/what they want, and the real reason could in fact be miles away from what you thought the reason was, and that is something to learn from and improve yourself.

THIS. And double it.

[Jean-Luc]

To be more precise, I saw red flags when she initially met this person. Probably within a month of her knowing them. There are patterns of behaviour at the beginning of a relationship that indicates probable problems going forward. I'm not talking about awkward behaviour here. I'm speaking to indicators that show insecurities, possesiveness, emotional immaturity, inability to express feelings and various character traits that are not compatible or will not complement one's personality or core values.

 

Those can be seen early on usually within a couple of months of meeting someone.

 

Agreed. What I was mainly referring to were people who go based off of immediate interactions(like one or two short conversations, or spending time around the person once) and then act like that person isn't worth the time because of "red flags" that could be just simple mistakes during the getting to know someone phase. Mainly awkward behavior as you mentioned. Possessiveness and emotional immaturity would be two obvious ones that after a little while of someone consistently having and showing those traits, it would be time to move on. Stability is very important in a relationship or in anything for that matter.

[Blue Spiral]

They have decided they're going to take an extended adolescent-hood right up until they hit 30 and get the big wakeup. They they'll take this Safe person, but this person is going to have to be fine with their exs, ex-husbands, kids, the incurable STDs, and fifteen years of unresolved psychology that is complex enough to send the psychologist's kid through college. This on top of no savings and a bottoming out, a "I really want/don't want/don't want another kid," "don't mind my ex, the ex may be over now and then"...

 

Yeah, it's weird to hit this age and realize that I'm basically baggage-free, as compared to most of the women that I know/have been involved with. Some ENA posters think that I'm this really bitter person, but I'm happy-go-lucky compared to most women my age. They start complaining about their exes, their kids, their debt, their medications, whatever. When they look at me and expect to complain about something, I'm like, "Well, I don't get to play video games quite as much as I want to..."

 

And I can't tell you how many (fading, desperate, ignored-me-when-they-were-at-their-peak) women have tried to make me their "Safe person". Eesh.

[Lonewing]

The guy interviewed 12 girls (not 3) and wrote a book about it, presumably that's why it's in the news. The reason I'm sharing it is not to look at the particular cases in that article, but the fact that sometimes people need to look within for reasons of why they're not getting where/what they want, and the real reason could in fact be miles away from what you thought the reason was, and that is something to learn from and improve yourself.

 

12 girls? And that constitutes enough knowledge to write a book on the subject?

 

And of course every person he asks is going to put it on the other person. "Oh, if he had done THIS instead of THAT, I'd still be with him," or, "I would have given him a chance."

 

BS.

 

If your partner is fickle enough that something so minor would change her decision to be with you or not, You have a lifetime of walking on eggshells ahead of you.

 

When Improving Yourself means changing who you are to be with that person, I don't think anybody is worth changing who you are. Finding people who respect others as they are, and respects them in spite of these things others declare should be changed, are rare, but they exist, and many [most] are married and are still married. Take a guess why.