25 year old virgin on why he never had a real girlfriend

[Lonewing]

What happened to developing good filtering skills? Being able to pick up signs earlier enough to screen out the muck? I agree there are plenty of incompatibles out there but screening skills are key.

 

With what passes as screening skills now, we’re approaching the age where nobody will be married because nobody measures up. Of course, it’s funny how what qualifies as a Red Flag for That guy qualifies as a Red Pass for this guy. And how the Red Flags are completely unacceptable in this direction, but all reasonable in That direction.

 

Two play this game, I meet a lot of guys now who have their three classes of women - 6-7 are screwable, 8-9 are dateable, 10s are marriable. And then women have their scale, which goes from 0-1, good luck with that as well...

 

I don't disagree with the marriage statistics and we will probably agree on some of the reasons that they exist. I know many blame technology on this issue while others blame other people outside themselves.

 

When you don’t like something, you decide you don’t agree with it because it must be wrong because it feels wrong. Well, the problem with facts is that you don’t get to agree with whether they are true or not, they are facts. And the marriage statistics right now are facts, alarming but true. And right now, the facts are only going to get worse once the Greatest Generations pass on. Their marriages are the ironclads that won’t die till death do they part...Are you replacing them? I know my parents aren’t. I haven’t yet.

 

Life is not fair. There are things that happen in life and exist in life that are totally out of our control. Before the internet, before the 21st century there were plenty of institutions (Jim Crow, anti-Gay laws, etc.) that kept people from enjoying their lives in general. Sitting around complaining about it and taking on the role of the victim would not have been a good option.

 

Indeed, life is indeed not fair. This is a very good era right now to be a woman.

 

One cannot change things out of our control but we can change our attitudes and find and create options out of the muck. It may make our lives tougher than others who are more 'privileged' but joy and happiness comes from within yourself not from outside yourself.

 

Screw the muck. You wouldn’t stoop to that level, why should anyone else? My happiness does indeed come from within, hence, it gets easier and easier for me to pass on this silly game.

 

One can sit here and blame others for feeling entitled to make relationship mistakes and then still expect to find love later. Yet others who don't take the effort to improve their lot because it is not fair because (fill in the blank with disadvantage) of this or that is no less guiltier than the people they accuse.

 

Sandbox is yours. Enjoy it.

 

There has always been a hierarchy in society. The criteria changes throughout history but it has always been there. So my question is do I lay down, roll over and die? Do I build up resentment towards others who take advantage of their privilege? Or do I make the most of of my life with the hand of cards I am dealt and enjoy the life that I have?

 

A lot of people are being told they had might as well do just that anymore. And we’re unplugging.

 

It only takes one person to have a mate. Some run through multiple mates, some only have one, some won't have a mate until they are much older a few will never have a mate. But if people cannot face the reality of what is and is not under their control and change their attitude accordingly then their unhappiness is on them. Not on the people who are getting on with their lives.

 

Life is too darn short to sit around kvetching.

 

The only mate I need I already have, and he has been here with me my whole life. And that mate is me. I remind myself now and then that there was a lot that I wanted to do with this life that likely won’t happen, but in looking at the big picture, I realize this path will be better for me than that path I wanted to travel.

 

On my grandfather’s 70 birthday, we had a party for him, And he said, “I once sat down and did some thinking, and if I’d have thought I’d be responsible for so many people [there as 40 of us there], I might have sat back down and did a little more thinking.”

 

It was a joke, perhaps...

[Blue Spiral]

If your partner is fickle enough that something so minor would change her decision to be with you or not, You have a lifetime of walking on eggshells ahead of you.

 

I get the impression that notalady wants us walking on eggshells, though. Instead of reading this article and thinking, "This poor guy, women ignored him for ridiculous reasons," she thought, "Wow, this guy is a great example for others to follow! Women deemed that he wasn't worthy enough, rejecting him and forcing him to live his life without a basic physical need, and instead of blaming us for destroying his psyche, he's blaming himself, instead! That's a healthy response! If I post this on ENA, maybe I can scare other guys into not complaining, so we can continue getting away with this stuff!"

 

Whenever I read these "man up" articles/posts, in which men are attacked for having the audacity to complain about certain things, it reminds me of that old saying: "The beatings will continue until morale improves." I'm sure that's a great plan...

[Lonewing]

Yeah, it's weird to hit this age and realize that I'm basically baggage-free, as compared to most of the women that I know/have been involved with. Some ENA posters think that I'm this really bitter person, but I'm happy-go-lucky compared to most women my age. They start complaining about their exes, their kids, their debt, their medications, whatever. When they look at me and expect to complain about something, I'm like, "Well, I don't get to play video games quite as much as I want to..."

 

And I can't tell you how many (fading, desperate, ignored-me-when-they-were-at-their-peak) women have tried to make me their "Safe person". Eesh.

 

It is indeed gratifying, now and then, to sit back and think about what my life would indeed be like if I had a wife and kids, and realize I would not be able to spend my weekends like I do. I stay out for as long as I want, I stay asleep for as long as I want, I eat whatever I want when I want, I see something I like and I get it when I want, I nag myself over ridiculous silly stupid things when I want, I get in fights with myself when I want, And...wow, why am I trying to change THIS?!

[Rosti87]

With what passes as screening skills now, we’re approaching the age where nobody will be married because nobody measures up. Of course, it’s funny how what qualifies as a Red Flag for That guy qualifies as a Red Pass for this guy. And how the Red Flags are completely unacceptable in this direction, but all reasonable in That direction.

 

I don't know what your definition of red flags are but I would imagine that most people would have different red flags depending on what they want/need. Some people don't get along with overly aggressive people, some people want overly aggressive people. Some don't like intellectual talk while others do.

 

To me that is screening. It varies from person to person.

 

 

Two play this game, I meet a lot of guys now who have their three classes of women - 6-7 are screwable, 8-9 are dateable, 10s are marriable. And then women have their scale, which goes from 0-1, good luck with that as well...

 

Women have always been nuanced. That has not changed in millennia. Social media merely amplifies it. It is important to find a person that is good for you.

 

 

When you don’t like something, you decide you don’t agree with it because it must be wrong because it feels wrong. Well, the problem with facts is that you don’t get to agree with whether they are true or not, they are facts. And the marriage statistics right now are facts, alarming but true. And right now, the facts are only going to get worse once the Greatest Generations pass on. Their marriages are the ironclads that won’t die till death do they part...Are you replacing them? I know my parents aren’t. I haven’t yet.

 

I was raised by the Greatest Generations and I am very close with my aunts and uncles of the generation. I have had extensive and intimate conversations with them about their life choices, their parenting experiences and their relationship choices. The running thread that I found in common amongst them about relationships are:

 

*Men controled the selection of marriage. Whether that be the fathers of the daughters or the men themselves.
*Women had little to no choices. They took what they could get.
*Even though these marriages 'lasted' some men had long standing mistresses. Wives either knew and looked the other way or they were surprised when the mistress' adult children started showing up when their husbands died.
*Both men and women admitted that they had to give up parts of who they are to make to work.

 

Just like today many people were not happy in those marriages. They just did not have the options that people had today. Based upon your complaints about 'changing' you would not like being a part of a Great Generation marriage. You would have to provide for an extended family for both yours and your wife. Men of that generation had tremendous responsibility until they died. Men who did not want that responsbility did not get marry.

 

Who says anything has to be replaced? Maybe marriage as we know it is evolving into something else that does not look like previous generations. With the inclusion of same sex marriage and civil unions, maybe marriage is just evolving into an institution that is not as prevelant as previous generations. Only in time will we know if this is for the worse... or for the better.

 

 

Indeed, life is indeed not fair. This is a very good era right now to be a woman.

 

Women finally have a choice in the matter. They did not have them throughout most of the 20th century.

 

Screw the muck. You wouldn’t stoop to that level, why should anyone else? My happiness does indeed come from within, hence, it gets easier and easier for me to pass on this silly game.

 

Good for you. I find that people that are happy with their lot don't spend a lot of time proving that they are. They just enjoy their life.

 

Sandbox is yours. Enjoy it.

 

This is where your cookie view of women fails. OLD is NOT my sandbox. It is not the sandbox of many types of women.

 

A lot of people are being told they had might as well do just that anymore. And we’re unplugging.

 

Go right ahead and unplug. Every generation has a segment of the population that disengages from mainstream society. You are no different.

 

The only mate I need I already have, and he has been here with me my whole life. And that mate is me. I remind myself now and then that there was a lot that I wanted to do with this life that likely won’t happen, but in looking at the big picture, I realize this path will be better for me than that path I wanted to travel.

 

Good for you. You found your calling.

 

On my grandfather’s 70 birthday, we had a party for him, And he said, “I once sat down and did some thinking, and if I’d have thought I’d be responsible for so many people [there as 40 of us there], I might have sat back down and did a little more thinking.”

 

It was a joke, perhaps...

 

Please refer to my comments about the Great Generation above.

[Blue Spiral]

It is indeed gratifying, now and then, to sit back and think about what my life would indeed be like if I had a wife and kids, and realize I would not be able to spend my weekends like I do. I stay out for as long as I want, I stay asleep for as long as I want, I eat whatever I want when I want, I see something I like and I get it when I want, I nag myself over ridiculous silly stupid things when I want, I get in fights with myself when I want, And...wow, why am I trying to change THIS?!

 

Yeah, it's crazy. When I was younger, I was a typical inexperienced guy, spending a ton of effort trying to get into relationships...and whenever I actually succeeded, I couldn't stand it. I felt smothered and trapped. But I liked the sex, and I'd convinced myself that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy (well, society did more than a little convincing, as well). So, even when the relationships failed, I immediately went out in search of new women. But I've learned a lot, since then.

 

I look back at the women that I pursued, and I thank god I didn't catch them (or catch them for long), because most of them haven't held up well at all. Their new husbands (of course they have husbands, too many men allow themselves to be desperate) are stuck paying for their student loans, their weight-loss surgeries, and the kids they had with their previous boyfriends/husbands. Have fun with that, guys...

[notalady]

I get the impression that notalady wants us walking on eggshells, though. Instead of reading this article and thinking, "This poor guy, women ignored him for ridiculous reasons," she thought, "Wow, this guy is a great example for others to follow! Women deemed that he wasn't worthy enough, rejecting him and forcing him to live his life without a basic physical need, and instead of blaming us for destroying his psyche, he's blaming himself, instead! That's a healthy response! If I post this on ENA, maybe I can scare other guys into not complaining, so we can continue getting away with this stuff!"

 

Whenever I read these "man up" articles/posts, in which men are attacked for having the audacity to complain about certain things, it reminds me of that old saying: "The beatings will continue until morale improves." I'm sure that's a great plan...

 

I don't know where you got all that from and I'm not bothered with arguing you on it. I've read your journal and responded to it several times fully acknowledging that you are who you are and never once offered advice to try and change you. But you can think whatever of me as you please, I'll damned if I let what strangers on the Internet think of me actually bother me, got better things to do sorry.

 

The guy interviewed 12 girls (not 3) and wrote a book about it, presumably that's why it's in the news. The reason I'm sharing it is not to look at the particular cases in that article, but the fact that sometimes people need to look within for reasons of why they're not getting where/what they want, and the real reason could in fact be miles away from what you thought the reason was, and that is something to learn from and improve yourself.

 

This is why I posted the link, some might find it useful, some might not, no need to attack me for sharing something just because I thought it was interesting. Also note I never said "men" I said people. I think it applies to everyone, if a woman constantly have trouble holding on to guys or getting guys interested (yep they exist, Ive met them) then she too should look within for reasons why it's happening.

 

Anyway this will be my last post on this thread, I think its ran its course.

[H8Reality217]

from reading the story of how he met his girlfriend, it looked like his girlfriend approached him first, nice to hear of that for once.

[musicman777]

Wait, this article is a load of crap. First of all the guy is engaged and married now, so he is far from some single loser. Secondly, that article taught me absolutely nothing. It sounds like he just dated a bunch of stuck up girls that didn't want to be with him. And now he's getting married. Boo hoo for him.