How do I tell him? Do I even tell him...

[Amp33]

There's a guy I met online and we immediately clicked. We've been talking every day for almost 3 months. Neither of us are persuing anybody else, we're just waiting until we meet to decide if we're really going to try this long distance relationship. We live nearly four thousand miles apart. We've both discussed how much we want each other to be honest about if there is anybody else in our life or if we happen to kiss anyone else, etc. and we have been very honest about, almost, everything... I have very very strong feelings for this man.

 

There's just one thing... I've been struggling with money these past few months. Very badly. and so I joined a website where I sell videos, live video chats and photos of myself at men's request, to get more money to help pay bills... The man I've grown feelings for has no idea. I'm absolutely terrified to tell him. I don't know if it's something that I should tell him, but I hate him not knowing these things about me and I don't want him to feel like he needs to send me money to help so that I don't have to do this. I'm confused. I don't know what to do or how to tell him or if I even should.. I'm

Embarrassed to tell him because he's from a very successful, well off, loving family. Where me on the other hand I had a very poor, rough up bringing and have always had to try to fend for myself.. I feel like I'm already so much different from him that this is something that will for sure set us apart for good. Help..

[Capricorn3]

I joined a website where I sell videos, live video chats and photos of myself at men's request, to get more money to help pay bills... .

I am assuming these are "dirty" pictures? Whatever they are, I am sure you are aware that all these videos, live chats and pictures would be shared all over the internet and one day, someone you know will see this. Is it really worth the risk? I would rather get a second or third job, work at MacDonalds or whatever to help pay my bills.

 

That said, I think this guy deserves the truth (I know I would want to know).

[Amp33]

I would rather get a second or third job, work at MacDonalds or whatever to help pay my bills.

 

I already work two jobs. I make minimum wage at both and live in a city with very poor economy and am also in debt. There's not much else I can do.. I've handed out hundred of resumes. Nobody in this city is hiring..

[Mischa234]

I don't care what people are going to say about this, but I would definitely not tell him. Your relationship is just developing and you don't even know for sure that he's going to stick around, so I wouldn't be jeopardising your own reputation and wellbeing for the sake of "honesty". If he cares about you, he will understand why you kept it secret and had to build enough trust before you told him.

 

I actually had to do something similar around 2009 when the economy was really bad, I was homeless, had to scrape in cash somehow just to feed myself... It's my biggest shame and my deepest secret but when you are struggling you have to do what you have to do. I waited until after I had been with my current partner for 2 years before I told him of my past (though I had stopped it long before I met him), and even then I felt that it was kind of difficult for him to take in. However, he was accepting and still is and loves me just the same. He also understood why it was so hard for me to tell him, and it was on my mind often over the years before I finally confessed. It was also after we had moved in together and made a series of commitments to each other.

 

I think it's fine to keep it a secret and wait until you are sure about him and be sure he'll take it well. He might "want to know", but probably most people would "want to know" if it's something juicy and potentially taboo. That stuff is gold for a lot of people! Doesn't mean that you should have to trust him enough to tell him. Wait as long as you have to... And he never has to know if you don't want him to. As long as you are not cheating on him and feel safe, that's all that should matter. If he truly cares he will understand later on when you decide to tell him.

[Capricorn3]

I don't care what people are going to say about this, but I would definitely not tell him.

 

I think it's fine to keep it a secret

I guess that's where I am very different. I don't believe that starting any relationship (or even friendship) based on lies and deceit is a good recipe for a healthy, happy and successful relationship.

[Mischa234]

I guess that's where I am very different. I don't believe that starting any relationship (or even friendship) based on lies and deceit is a good recipe for a healthy, happy and successful relationship.

 

I totally respect that, but there are some things you don't tell and shouldn't have to tell until you feel completely comfortable with it.

 

For example, I'm a straight female and I had a girlfriend for a year in high school. That's privileged information that I shouldn't have to tell someone until I completely trust them and that process of trust might be different for different people. How I decide when someone is ready to handle sensitive personal information is based on how sensitive and personal it is, and how I gauge trust in a relationship.

 

That may be different for you, but I don't believe that OP should share that with someone until absolutely comfortable. For me that's almost akin to saying, I always sleep with a guy before we become exclusive so OP should definitely not wait until 2 years into her relationship. Just trying to put it in perspective for you, not trolling!

[amipushy]

You havent even met this guy so I wouldnt be pouring my secrets out to a stranger quite yet if I were you. Meet him and see if you click and in the future if you do start a real relationship then tell him, but only when you completely know him and trust him.

[Batya33]

If he is holding off on meeting other people because of you then you need to tell him so that he can decide whether your method of making money is ok with him or a deal breaker.

[Rosti87]

That's a biggy confessional. I would also elect to wait. We are assuming he is holding off other considerations. That is not clear yet. And in my opinion this relationship has not had liftoff.

 

There is a time and place for everything and open confessionals about ones past need to be carefully unfolded. I don't think it is a binary decision wherein one has to confess all at the off.

[Batya33]

That's a biggy confessional. I would also elect to wait. We are assuming he is holding off other considerations. That is not clear yet. And in my opinion this relationship has not had liftoff.

 

There is a time and place for everything and open confessionals about ones past need to be carefully unfolded. I don't think it is a binary decision wherein one has to confess all at the off.

 

"Neither of us are persuing anybody else, we're just waiting until we meet to decide if we're really going to try this long distance relationship."

 

This is what she wrote. I know that if a person who wanted to be in a potential romantic relationship made his money in the way the OP is choosing to it would be a dealbreaker for me for several reasons and if I told the other person I was holding off on pursuing other options until we met I would think the ethical thing for the OP to do would be to tell him -not confess - how she makes her money (especially if there is a question about the legality of what she is doing).

[Rosti87]

I respect your view and I as an individual would want to know the truth. But that is what we believe. We can't possibly assume that this is what others believe. To me that is a value judgment that varies from person to person.

 

As long as the OP shares this with her guy the issue of when should be when she is comfortable. He can choose at that time if he wants to move on or not. It is a risk no matter when it is told.

[greta96]

I think you should tell him now, only because if you don't, and he is the type of person who would not want to be with someone who does what you do, he will see all these months of waiting around and "exclusivity" as a big waste of his time, and he won't be happy about it. And if you choose not to tell him, and he somehow finds out (it is the internet after all, who knows where those pics you have been sending are circulating, things are extremely easy to find out), he will definitely be angry.

Personally I would want to know, so I can make the decision for myself, whether it would be worth it to stick around and give you a chance, or move on to someone else.

It is a big deal, it's not something insignificant, so it's best to come clean about it. Just remember that most people will have a problem with this, so it would be best for you to try and find another lower paying job, but that doesn't involve selling your body.

[amipushy]

I'm all for being honest and upfront but I wouldnt risk it before even meeting him in person. He could turn out to be a complete creep and she could end up regretting sharing such personal information or being blackmailed.

[faraday]

I think sharing at this point is over sharing. Tell him at some point between meeting and before sex.

 

 

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[Batya33]

I respect your view and I as an individual would want to know the truth. But that is what we believe. We can't possibly assume that this is what others believe. To me that is a value judgment that varies from person to person.

 

As long as the OP shares this with her guy the issue of when should be when she is comfortable. He can choose at that time if he wants to move on or not. It is a risk no matter when it is told.

 

But if the risk is wasting someone's time v. not having the opportunity to date someone I think that ethically you have to choose the latter. As far as individual variances -well, of course, but the OP asked what our opinions were. That is mine.

 

Edited to add -if he knows your real name etc then I wouldn't share it until you meet and decide you would like to go on a first date in the future -I agree that the information could be misused and harm you.

[Mischa234]

So basically OP, the consistent message is put your protection and security first, and follow up with honesty and integrity a close second. Ultimately how all of those are defined comes down to your individual values, but make your decision, commit to it, and own the potential consequences. Those consequences have mostly been stated here.

 

Good luck.

[HeartGoesOn]

OP...I understand this was not your question, but according to your past threads, you're only 21. That said, please be very careful with the choices you make.