When do you stop trying?

[oitnb]

I have an old friend I've known for years, S. S and I had a falling out over my ex, we were both in the wrong. I reached out to her and apoligized after I left him, without asking for an apology from her. I sucked it up and put my pride to the side because I just wanted my friend back.

 

Things have just been weird since. For one, her fiance (now husband) is plain annoying. He would constantly make gay jokes about my boyfriend, to the point where it wasn't even funny any more, just offensive. It came off very jealous, like he was trying to challenge my bfs manhood or something. Weird.

 

It got worse after they got married (they married very young) and moved into there new house. The house was, is, a fixer upper, and they wanted help, understandably. My boyfrend and I were more than happy to pitch in. The first time we helped, it was just bf, S, and i. The whole time we were there, S just stood around complaining. I'm on my knees, sweating like a pig, ripping up her floorboards, and she's just standing around complaing about her life. We left, and her husband showed up towards the end, and neither of them said any type of thank you to me or my bf. That really rubbed me the wrong way.

 

After we helped the first time it sort of inspired me to work on my house, so I finally decided to paint my outdated kitchen color. It's stained yellow from the cigarette smoke over the years, and kinda ugly. It took my boyfriend and I barely two days to finish the paint process, no big deal. Her husband just shows up on the second day, to ask us to come help, and says a few strange underhanded comments about us painting. Sort of like "oh what a convenient time to paint, right when we're working on our house" type thing. I, again, let it go. We go help them paint, I edged ALL the corners of her walls, outlets, everything, and then they change there minds on painting that large room I had just worked so hard on. Again, no thank you, no sorry you did that for no reason, nothing.

 

I'm starting to get seriously pissed at this point. They are being plain ungrateful. They decide to paint there "bar" room. Here's where it gets worse. My boyfriend had fixed up my basement, it has a big built in bar. We have our get togethers and parties down there. It's nice. S and hubby are talking about how this is going to be there bar, okay cool, I think. Then hubby starts "joking" about how his bar will be so much better than ours, he worked hard for this unlike us (my parents gave me my house because they both moved out after they divorced), a real man pays for his house, blah blah.

 

The whole time S is laughing at his jokes. I'm silent, seriously on the edge of calling hubby out on all his crap. I know a lot about him, thanks to S, that he wouldn't want me to bring to the light. S dad comes in with a six pack of cheap wine coolers (this matters, i promise) I drink one, we leave. Again, no thank you's.

 

After that incident I did some serious thinking and realized ever since S moved in she hadn't called me, texted me, anything to ask how I am or chat. You know, things friends are supposed to do. I understood she was busy, but it takes 2.5 seconds to send a text. I decide, I'm just gonna quit contacting her for a bit, give her some space. Let this extremly awkward situation calm down and wait for her to contact me. Well, a whole TWO MONTHS later of no talking, and I'm over it. I see her post a face book status tagging a bunch of people, saying "thank you so much everyone for helping on the house!" Guess who wasn't tagged, me and my bf. It's like she ppurposly wanted me to see she didn't want to say a simple thank you.

 

I delete her off my page, and go on with life. A few days later, she texts me saying "are we not friends anymore" I explain everything to her, lay it all on the table. How she never thanked me, never was appreciative, her husband's dumb comments, her never asking me about my life or contacting me. How it took her two months to realize she hasn't heard from or talked to her "best friend".

 

She responds by saying a sarsarcastic "sorry I lived my life and didn't call you all day every day" like that's what I meant. She accuses me of painting my kitchen to engage in some sort of weird "who's house is better" competition with her, she says she's not wrong and I'm childish for "ignoring" her for two months. Last time I checked, waiting for someone to contact you instead of blowing there phone up isn't ignoring them, but whatever. She admits no wrong doing, (just like what she did in the old situation with my ex) and places all the blame on me.

 

I'm done, and tell her if that's how she feels, I don't need a friend like that in my life. I sucks, it feels like a breakup almost because of the length of our friendship, but I refuse to suck up my pride again and take the burnt of all the blame. I did however before we ended the conversatiin, ask her why it never occurred to her to say one simple thanks. She said "my dad bought you guys all that alcohol that was our version of saying thanks" yeah okay. One cheap wine cooler isn't "all that alcohol" and even if it was I'd still expect a thank you, whatever.

 

We go another month or so without talking. I need a "model" to cut hair at my school in order to go on to the next step. Everyone I contact is way to busy to come. I decide to ask her. Idk why. She comes in. I do a great job on her hair, and after seeing how extremly damaged it was, GIVE HER a free bag of very expensive hair repairing products. She finally says a weak "oh...thanks". she brings up our fight from last month, and proceeds to argue how she wasn't wrong, she was just "living her life and not calling everyday" I say okay. I just want it to be dropped, I'm over it. She left on what I thought at the time was good terms.

 

It's now been almost three weeks and she hasn't called me once. She's being posting all these corny "quotes" on Facebook, saying "if I let you go it's because I'm done" "I've lost so many people in my life, if I lose one more it doesn't matter" ect ect. She's been hanging out with all these people. I'm like, if you have time to contact them, make plans to hang out, and post it on Facebook, why not have time to just CALL me?!

 

Long story short should I quit trying with her? She used to such a good, sweet friend. Ever since she met her husband she's changed for the worse. Very selfish, blunt, acts like she's a 50 year old woman with no time for life when she's barely 20. I miss the old S.

[Batya33]

Yes I would quit trying. No question.

[oitnb]

It just sucks. She used to be such a sweet, kind person.

 

Now she's totally changed.

[Batya33]

I think she is still not over how you treated her back then - we take our victims as we find them. I think that if she was not over it it was very wrong of her to accept your hard work on her house, etc.

[oitnb]

I think she is still not over how you treated her back then - we take our victims as we find them. I think that if she was not over it it was very wrong of her to accept your hard work on her house, etc.

 

Can you elaborate a bit? Do you mean she's not over when we stopped talking because of my ex?

[Batya33]

Can you elaborate a bit? Do you mean she's not over when we stopped talking because of my ex?

 

Right - you said you were both in the wrong. She still feels wronged but her behavior in taking your time and hard work is also very wrong so I would distance myself from her.

[oitnb]

Ah, okay. I almost want to delete her off my facebook because I'm tired of seeing all these dumb quotes that are obviously directed towards me everyday.

[jimthzz]

Get new friends and stop engaging with this drama.

 

Life is short. She really ins't your friend anymore, nor is her insulting guy.

[ParisPaulette]

You should have quit trying a long, long, loooooong time ago. You can't "bribe" someone into being a good friend/person/one with manners and consideration. And I know you don't think that's what you're doing, but yes when you do a long litany of favors and things that go well beyond what a normal person would--i.e. giving her a bag of expensive hair products after you already knew she wasn't even able to say thank you for all the work you did on her house, then yes that's what it is.

 

Generosity and help and kindness are things that are only good if they're shared and not done as a one-way street.

 

Stop trying to win this woman's favor with overdoing things for her. Move on and find friends who actually have some manners. This one doesn't and I would long ago have told the hubby to knock it off with the uncool jokes. You do not win anything by being friends with and putting up with such people.

 

And yes either delete her off FB altogether or if you don't want to deal with the hysterical drama that would possibly ensue from her simply "hide" her, so you can't see her stuff and she really doesn't see yours. link removed

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't burn any bridges, just because you don't need any enemies in this world, but I'd certainly quit trying to deal with her--at all.

[Batya33]

Ah, okay. I almost want to delete her off my facebook because I'm tired of seeing all these dumb quotes that are obviously directed towards me everyday.

 

I would delete her too but don't assume what she is posting has anything to do with you.

[Seraphim]

In our 20s we usually see a big die off of friends. We all tend to go off our divergent ways. You will find some people though that will have friends from cradle till death but that's not too often. And while this big die off is happening it feels like a tragedy because it is a way. I remember it feeling horrible at the time. Now I don't care. I realize as I approach my 50s that we find new friends all the time. So you will find new friends throughout your life.

 

I know you mentioned her a while back but I think you should have ditched her long time ago.