sammy1592 Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 So I am aware of the fact that I am naturally a very jealous person. Because of that I make a conscious effort to make sure that I'm not being ridiculous or irrational in any given situation where I might get jealous needlessly. But also because of my tendency toward jealousy, I have a really hard time dealing with things that I know about my boyfriend's past, specifically his relationships. It's not as if he's done anything particularly awful before, but just the thought of him ever having been with anyone else frankly just hurts me. Now rationally I know that he can't do anything about that, and it's all in the past. But I think it makes it even harder for me to deal with because I don't really have that much, shall we say, "experience" in my past with relationships and/or sex, and that almost makes me feel like it's... unfair? that I have all this stuff from his past that I have to deal with and he has almost nothing to deal with on my side. Again, I know none of this is his fault, and I haven't mentioned it to him because I know there's nothing he can do to change any of it. I just wish I could figure out a way to deal with it a little bit better. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I would suggest therapy or this will follow you into all of hour relationships. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 Irrational jealousy stems from low self esteem and insecurity. Are you like this only in relationships, or has this been a part of your "make-up" your whole life? If so, I would suggest therapy to help you get to the bottom of why and where it's all coming from. Link to comment
ashxoxo Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I have very low self esteem and I am also a jealous person. I would look into therapy as well. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 How did you find out so much about his past? Link to comment
panther Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 Most of us have partners with their past and baggage. His past relationships didn't work out for a reason and you are the present. Don't ruin this with your insecurities. It is not a competition to see who has more past experience. Link to comment
redswim30 Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 The Past IS the Past. He can't change it even if he wanted to, and it would be incredibly unfair to hold that against him. This is definitely something you need to work on, if you are going to date adults(over 21), you have to accept that most people are going to have had past relationships before you. And the older you get, the more this will be true. If you are single long enough, then you will start getting into people who have been married before, or have children. If you date as an adult, this is something you will have to get used to. It's very rare that you will find someone with NO history, and if you do, wouldn't you wonder WHY they have no history? You should absolutely seek counseling, but in the meantime, here is my immediate advice. Think of the positives that come along with that person's life experience. They have learned some things- They may have learned from their mistakes, become a better partner. They have learned what they need and want out of a relationship, and will therefore be more likely to have a more successful ones in the future. Remember, the past does not negate the present or the future. Example- If someone goes to Disneyland as a kid and has fun, but you have never been- Are you going to be angry that they went before you, or would you be able to enjoy it when you two go together? Does it really matter if it's new for you but not for him? It doesn't mean he won't have fun (or possibly even a BETTER time) with you. People can have good memories of the past and it does not detract from positive feelings/experiences in the present. It's not good to obsess over what may have happened before you. It's the same for everyone- They've had good times and bad times before they met you. But they WANT you in their life for a reason. He is seeking a BETTER relationship with YOU. A relationship that he believes will work, so you are already ahead of the past because those relationships didn't work. If things are good, the memories you make together can be equally (or more) powerful than anything that happened in the past. Link to comment
sammy1592 Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 It's mostly stuff that he's told me. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 It's mostly stuff that he's told me. Well, why would he tell you this stuff? This isn't just about you and your insecurities, it's also about choosing someone who manipulates you and your insecurities. Link to comment
silentdivide Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 I know all about this... See my other post, but I jsut broke up with my partner because she chose to share her Tumblr with so much damn detail about her love and sex life with me and I chose to read it. Now its really in a lot of ways destructed our relationship. I tried to be strong and you should try too. Talk to him. If you hold it in you'll turn out like me paralyzed with anxiety and erupt. As much as it hurts to say I resent parts of her because of that and I don't know if we/I can come back from it. Link to comment
sammy1592 Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 Well he hasn't told me any specifics about his past sex life or anything like that. A lot of it is just my overactive imagination. And I'm pretty sure he isn't trying to manipulate me, because like I said, I haven't mentioned anything to him about it because I know he can't change his past. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 It's mostly stuff that he's told me. This contradicts the above post. Link to comment
sammy1592 Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 What I mean is he's told me stuff about his past relationships, just not necessarily his past sex life. Granted he has told me a little bit about it, but not really anything more than what I needed to know maybe with a couple exceptions. Link to comment
silentdivide Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Well he hasn't told me any specifics about his past sex life or anything like that. A lot of it is just my overactive imagination. And I'm pretty sure he isn't trying to manipulate me, because like I said, I haven't mentioned anything to him about it because I know he can't change his past. Well, consider yourself lucky... Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Well he hasn't told me any specifics about his past sex life or anything like that. A lot of it is just my overactive imagination. [...] You have full control over this, you're just not willing to recognize that and exercise it. Link to comment
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