animra Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I've just found out that my husband used to have an affair with a married woman a few years back. I found out by going through his email (which I feel very bad about). I know this is in the past.. but it really bothers me knowing the kind of life he used to live. I have very high morals and I am somewhat religious. What do I do? If I tell him I went through his email, I feel like that the trust between us will be ruined (I do feel very guilty having gone through his email)... but if I don't tell him that I know this information, I feel like it's going to bother me forever. HELP! Link to comment
Supernova1607309611 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Well, he kind of already broke your trust by having an affair... If this affair happened before you two got together (i.e, before he was with you) then just let it go, because he didn't cheat on you if he wasn't with you when this affair occurred. If he was with you at the time, then you might want to try to speak to him. But if enough time has passed and he has shown he is no longer cheating, you might let it go. Link to comment
animra Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Sorry, I wasn't clear. We are newly weds.. This happened before we got together. So he definitely hasn't cheated on me. It's just knowing the kind of life he used to live is what's bothering me.. getting together with a married woman is not ok in my world. But you are right... this is in the past. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 You are in a tough spot. I too would be reeling over the notion that someone I was involved with, married or not would be capable of an affair. It speaks of his moral code and it doesn't match with yours. Having said that, you are married and this is something the two of you need to discuss. You need to hear his side of the story. Ask yourself. . Had he told you this in the beginning, would you have married him? Link to comment
Supernova1607309611 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 >>t's just knowing the kind of life he used to live is what's bothering me.. People make all kinds of stupid mistakes and learn from them. And unless we take up with a person when we're 14 years old and stay with one person for our whole lives, there will be multiple people in our past and multiple experiences, many things we'll be proud of, and many things we won't. I suggest that since he has not been unfaithful to you, and this all occurred before you met, you let it go. He may have learned that affairs are bad things, and never do anything like that again. If you absolutely can't stand the idea, then of course you need to talk to him, but don't be silly enough to treat him like he cheated on YOU, because frankly he didn't. Link to comment
Clio Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 The 'If you judge people you have no time to love them' quote by Mother Theresa may be somewhat relevant. This is something that happened before he met you. Since then he may have turned a new leaf/ trying to make a new start/ be a better man with you. If he knows that you know he may lose his motivation and revert back to his old ways. Given that you are married, not just dating, I would keep what you know in mind but in the same time let it go. If you haven't previously, discuss his views on the subject of infidelity and if they are now compatible to yours, give him a second chance, make a fresh start and take it from there. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 If you judge people you have no time to love them' Powerful. Thank you Clio. Link to comment
redswim30 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 >>t's just knowing the kind of life he used to live is what's bothering me.. People make all kinds of stupid mistakes and learn from them. And unless we take up with a person when we're 14 years old and stay with one person for our whole lives, there will be multiple people in our past and multiple experiences, many things we'll be proud of, and many things we won't. I suggest that since he has not been unfaithful to you, and this all occurred before you met, you let it go. He may have learned that affairs are bad things, and never do anything like that again. If you absolutely can't stand the idea, then of course you need to talk to him, but don't be silly enough to treat him like he cheated on YOU, because frankly he didn't. ^^^THIS. KEEP.READING.THIS. I would also caution you, if you make him bring this up, this could potentially open up a huge can of worms you don't like, including privacy/spying/trust issues. You may never have cheated on anyone, but have you never made any relationship mistakes? Would you want said mistakes shoved in your face? Or would you want/expect forgiveness as it was in your past, something you learned from and grew from and vowed to never do again? If you are a fairly religious person, then forgiveness and compassion should be in your wheelhouse. Don't take his mistakes personally, he hasn't been unfaithful to you, so I think there is no worry right now. If I were in your shoes, I'd let it go. If you hang on to this, you may be setting yourself up for unnecessary unpleasantness both now and for any potential future mistake that you may make. Remember, people in marriages often show their spouse how they should expect to be treated by their own behavior. I.e. If you forgive easily, he may easily forgive you. If you hold a grudge on this, he may hold grudges against you, including for snooping on him. Link to comment
animra Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Wow.. strong words everyone! Thanks for the advice... I just need to learn to let it go.. and not let it bother me. I agree that talking about this WILL open up a can of worms. Thanks again! Link to comment
Dcgent Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 what made you want to go through his e-mail? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Speaking only for myself, I've had to walk through plenty of doors marked 'no' before I learned for myself exactly WHY it was a bad idea and to never do it again. Your husband learned something valuable from his behavior, and hopefully you've learned WHY snooping is a bad idea and to never do it again. Head high, and figure out what motivated you to do what YOU did. Link to comment
animra Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Thanks all.. I think what motivated me was curiosity to know more about his past.. I am now getting to the root cause of things.. it must be because I'm insecure.. so looks like I need to work on myself.. and never cross that boundary again. Link to comment
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