27 yr old women and I cannot freely go as I please living at home...

[starrrr]

yup. I'm 27. I live at home. Met a guy at a bar I'm attracted to and I like his personality. I'll call him B. I don't intend to marry anytime soon, as I am figuring my life out right now.

 

Also, my father is a very "traditional" man...

 

I have stayed over B's place overnight in the past..my father disapproves. The thing is it is my mother who is the financial supporter in the family...

 

But I take it as a casual relationship. It's nice to have someone...esp. one that I get along with. I know I barely know him really....We met early summer.

 

Now I want him to come pick me up for dinner and to just hang out...

 

But my father is hanging out in the garage, and will see him picking me up.

 

They've never met. He dislikes him because he works at a coffee shop and is 34 yrs old, working at a coffee shop.

 

My father's point is that he wants me to get married, eventually, and have a good life, I understand, and if it is not B, then why do I see him?

 

My perspective is that I am going with the moment...perhaps it is seen as being careless...

 

But...its weird to describe my mind. I am a very thoughtful and careful person, but can be very careless? Out of ignorance, or the ability to think long term..im not sure.

 

Anyways, I want him to pick me up.....

 

But here I am, being nervous as heck, about B coming to get me, and my father seeing it, and that I cannot just introduce them to one another....

 

That he should mind his own business overall.....

 

I'm frustrated. Something as simple as just going to hang out with an opposite sex that I find attractive, cool, funny...to have my moment.

 

But he won't let me....

 

Either I get more mature, is that what they want? Or I do what I want and resent him for all his nagging.....and judgements upon me and B.

 

I'm a sexual human being...is it only for married people?

 

 

I am 27 years old, have an okay job...here at home helping out my mother financially, in a very minimum way though....but it helps me save financially right now, until I get a better job to be able to completely support myself.

 

Any thoughts, insights, comments, suggestions, would be helpful...................should I just tell B to come...I really do not mean any disrespect, but i'm just sitting here, and I just want to hang out with a friend....no matter how much of a special friend he is, which I think my father should keep himself out of my business...

 

I appreciate the care, but.....dang...is it the age when they will leave me alone, or only when I get a better job and supporting myself will they leave me alone? Or would they be the same?

 

Thank you for reading this.....

[BigKK]

These are things you get to deal with when you live at home. Either move out and live on your own, or deal with the judgement of your father. Doesn't sound like he will change.

 

 

They won't change, but at least if you're on your own, you do as your please and no one to see and judge.

[agent1607307371]

This is something you have to deal with as long as you live at home. You might be 27, but you're in the kid role, so Dad is in the parent role.

 

And yes, I imagine your parents would like to see you be more mature. No one wants their children to be less mature, especially not at nearly 30.

[Capricorn3]

I think as long as you live at home you will never be an independent being. You will always have your parents over your head one way or another. If you want more freedom and get your parents off your back then the only solution is to move out. No other way. Your choice.

[starrrr]

Thank you for the very frank responses.

 

I also enjoy sarcasm agent, thanks for that, too, really.

 

There's much to think about the pressures and expectations of life, personally....

 

It's a little fun we are having in both of our pathetic lives....how more pathetic can it get in this case.

 

I guess we can question just how healthy it really is for either of us, if we truly want to get better...

[starrrr]

Moving out. Scary. But okay.

[Capricorn3]

Moving out. Scary. But okay.

 

Why is that scary? I would think at age 27 it would be one of the most natural things on earth to be independent and enjoying ones freedom. It should be a wonderful and exciting time. I do know that in some cultures children don't leave their home until they actually get married, and even then, sometimes they still continue to live with their parents. I guess it depends where you come from.

[starrrr]

I have tasted the freedom, and being back home is frustrating dealing with this traditional culture microcosm I find in my home and the homogenous community they interact with. Shame is the biggest tool of control, though I understand it comes from good intentions as they want what is best for me. But the shaming can really get to me....and must deal with that. I have lost many friends over the years as time we just grew apart, and most others have moved out of state living independently. That was the plan too, but things in life happened, and I find myself here, in this situation.

 

Yes the culture my family is from, young adults still live at home and it is normal. They do it here too, in the new nation. Even young married couples, as they get themselves situated. I have not known any in the community who have lived on their own apartment, except for the college students, there's few exceptions. This is a very small community though.

 

Culture here is strange.

 

If I live on my own, I am afraid it would put a drift between my family and I, for some reason i'm unsure of. Also, I really don't mind being poor...I'm just not sure how to deal with me moving away. It's like I am also cutting off my family and the community they have safely surrounded us with growing up. It feels wrong for some reason. It comes out as being selfish perhaps...I don't know why I think that....

[trust101]

I think as long as you live at home you will never be an independent being. You will always have your parents over your head one way or another. If you want more freedom and get your parents off your back then the only solution is to move out. No other way. Your choice.

 

^

Exactly.

 

You don't have to be on your own either. Look for shared accommodation that way you will not only have company but much lower living expenses.

 

Why don't you say that B is your friend? You wouldn't be lying because 'boyfriend' has the word friend in it. Or does your father also disapprove of you hanging out platonically with the opposite sex?

 

You can't complain. You live under their roof. You abide by their rules. No matter your age.

[christwowheels]

For many years, I was led to believe, due to my upbringing, that there was something wrong with my sexuality and desire for a girlfriend. It took me a lot of struggle to realize that that's one of the most normal traits of mine.

 

No matter what your dad thinks, you're normal--it's normal for you to want to date, and it's normal to want sex--and if you feel it's right to stay living home for now, that's okay too. If you want to have this guy pick you up, do it. Now you will need to be ready to deal with a scene if your dad chooses to make one, but if you want to date, you should date. And yes, to a certain extent, you'll have to deal with judgment as long as you're living there. You certainly aren't going to be able to change your dad's social mores.

 

Do what you feel is right with your relationship and be ready to face his judgment. As long as you're okay with who you date, you should be able to deal with that.

[starrrr]

wow. ^

 

Thank you all again for all of your replies, I appreciate them for their frankness, esp. cww, your words are spoken as truths. I like how you have put it all together. Thank you.

 

 

How about I ask B to marry me, and so we can move in together. It's the most practical thing I can think of in the moment, forget thinking of the possible consequences. I have no worries, except why do I laugh at myself at the thought of it all. ha ha ha.

 

Yet, why not? The worst that can happen is I get a no, or a yes and all hits the fan in some other way or not, who knows.

 

I'm just afraid of stirring up any water if there's no need. I should call myself fence rider.

[christwowheels]

I'm going to preface this advice by reminding you that this is your life and it is your decision. You need to decide how you want to deal with this relationship independent of the pressures you're getting from family. Relationships shouldn't be rushed into, or rushed out of, due to external pressures.

 

What I would recommend as far as proposing marriage is to slow down a bit and think this through. You said in your first post that you don't intend to get married anytime soon and that you consider this a casual relationship. Just moving in together, let alone getting engaged or married, makes you financially tied together. So remember that if you do this, it will be harder to extract yourself if it doesn't work out.

 

Now its possible that you two are the ones for each other, and its also possible you aren't. But it speaks volumes that you are emphasizing your lack of freedom in your posts rather than your professed deep love for your boyfriend. If you don't really love him, you shouldn't move in with him. And if you don't want to marry him, truly want to marry him, you shouldn't get engaged. It sounds like you're considering proposing because maybe you think that that would make your family more receptive or accepting of your relationship. I'm not so sure that's going to work. Your dad seems to have already made up his mind about this guy and he could very well never like him even if you do get married and live the rest of your lives happily together. Parental disapproval happens, and you can't always change it.

 

It really comes down to what you want. If you just want the freedom to date casually without their judgment, move into a share house or find a roommate or a studio apartment. If you really love your boyfriend and want to see if you would work well as a live-in couple, move in with him. But don't get engaged unless you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, and from what I'm reading, I don't see that that's your position right now. What I'm reading is that you're considering engagement as an escape route and there's always another way. Marriage is too important to just do it to try to avoid judgment, which may be unavoidable anyway.

 

Because if you don't really want to live with this man forever, you're not supposed to propose to him. Neither you nor he deserves a marriage based on judgment avoidance rather than deep love and commitment.

[starrrr]

For some reason I want to say, "Amen." Reading that rings many truths.

 

But TBH, I, i'm so confused.

 

Thanks for your time, I will take the time to ruminate on it.

[starrrr]

After some ruminating, I've come to an encompasse of whether what I feel is because I do not want to do it or whether I am truly unable to.

 

I am just thinking that I really need my own car...

[Lonewing]

There's a million reeasons why girls break up with guys who still live at home with their parents...and you've pretty much listed all of them!

 

As long as you live under their roof, they will level their expectations onto you and that's just how it goes.

[Supernova1607309611]

OK, this will be hard to hear, but at 27, your father is treating you like a teenaged girl in terms of 'supervision' because he sees you are not launching yourself fully as an adult.

 

You say you are 'figuring yourself out', but frankly that doesn't sound like you are more just coasting at home than actively forming a plan to either find someone appropriate to marry or forming a plan to support yourself and move out.

 

I moved home at age 26 for a short and targeted year where I was saving money specifically to pay off some student loans and get my own place. But during that year, I treated my parents with the utmost respect and made sure I contributed to the household rather than 'hanging out' and 'finding myself'. I did the grocery shopping and cooked every meal while at home in exchange for the room and board, and respected all my parent's rules and had a one year plan where i spent no time or money socializing at all while i focused on getting my career going and paying off school debt, and both my parents and I knew I would move out in one year so we got along just fine.

 

If you want to get along with your father, you need to show him respect and also show him you have a plan on how you're going to be an adult and take care of yourself and be out by a particular date so he doesn't feel like he's endlessly caretaking a teenaged girl hanging out with an irresponsible boy. He's probably terrified that on one of these nights out with this unambitious BF you'll get pregnant and he'll end up taking care of you AND his grandchild in his house and you'll never move out or marry.

 

And if you don't want to live by your father's rule (their house, their rules!) then it is time to move out. You can find somewhere to share with some other girls for cheap and on your salary if you can't afford to live alone, then you can do what you want.

[Tanzi]

Moving out. Scary. But okay.

 

There's much to think about the pressures and expectations of life, personally....

 

Moving out shouldn't be scary at 27!! Being at home is suppressing your growth ... in ALL directions.

 

You are never going to meet a man who you will later marry if you aren't allowed to date and meet new people. So you have a choice to make, either you branch out on your own and create your own life and make your path easier, or you stay at home and continue to live under your parent's restrictions.

 

You said that both of your lives are pathetic .... it does make me wonder how two "adults" can ever have healthy relationships if they can't stand on their own two feet and create their own adult world ... with all its "pressures and expectations".

 

I don't mean to cause you any offence .... but maybe it is time you grew up.

[Supernova1607309611]

^^

The problem with these 'failure to launch' scenarios is that the adult child wants all the protections/perks of being a child living at home, but all the freedom of an adult to do as they please, have sleepovers etc. It is an unrealistic expectation on the OP's part to expect to be able to live at home with all the perks of a dependent child, but all the freedom of an adult.

 

So it is true that she has to choose, to behave like a dependent child, or take her independence and move out. Can't have it both ways with a parent who is unhappy with the situation.

[starrrr]

Thank you for those who have taken the time to reply. I've enjoyed taking the doses of truth serum injected all throughout your replies.

 

To be honest, I do not have much people in my life to tell me these things.

 

Everyone here, I have known since I was real young, and we seem to be stuck in old roles of the past...also, as background, I've recently gone through what I subjectively would say some traumatizing events in the relative recent past years, and it is nice to hear objective takes on my situation.

 

I've always wanted to move out, and to be honest, being at home has been a sanctuary recently, that, yes, I have not been ready to let go yet.

 

But now, i'm feeling much better. There's a lil skip on my walk now, that some a real nice relationship with the opposite sex can do, and other factors i'm sure contributing to it, but with him, this time we've had with each other, has been a sort of catalyst to the inevitable exchange between my parents and I, that, though unmarried, I am not their "teenage child" anymore...a realization for me, as I am confronted with having to have this conversations with them....

 

 

Thanks for the great advices to continue to respect my parents. It's true, I can take them for granted, and years of pent up resentment towards them can really blur what I truly value in life.

 

I never speak up. So how can those around me who do love me every know of my plans...It has just always seem to been a part of my personality for as long as I can remember.

 

Much goes through my mind, and I guess, I am ignorant as how to sort them in value, something like that....and don't speak up all that goes through my head, which is often many, that often loops itself to just being quiet, and observing, so as to see where to go to next...

 

Figuring out myself has been an important process for me because I believe it makes me better in interacting with others all around me.

 

And I agree, that it is an unhealthy relationship with the participants are unhealthy themselves...but I also believe that there's another force within it itself beyond me that can also heal...just through the basic sense of touch, can healing just be begun....

 

I never planned to date or whatever at this point in my life, because I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc...it's true when I felt the chemistry between us, I couldn't resist the pull, call it impulsive, but unexpected, and really strong it was, I allowed nature to go its course. Now i'm living with the consequences of that choice, of having to think about this, when I did not want to...Aa I said, being with B has been a catalyst to me having a real hard look at what I really want?..

 

In an ideal world, I want it easy. I just want to live in the present, and not have to worry about long term goals and stuff. I don't mind thinking about them, daydreaming is my prized natural talent, but having to make deliberate multiple choices to reach em, has me worried...i'm sorry if I offend anyone with my lifestyle. I'm afraid I have rubbed a few shoulders wrong in here...heh heh heh...yes the shame is real to let you know, real, hard, strong, and alive.

 

Yet I guess it can't help but be a push...now if I can get a hold of rocket launcher, that would be great...

[Supernova1607309611]

There is no reason you can't 'figure yourself out' while sharing a house with some other girls rather than living with your parents. And the reality is that you aren't really going to learn what it means to be an adult until you do get out on your own and supporting yourself.

 

for example, many a young adult feels it is OK to have a minimum wage job and live with their parents and think the minimum wage job is fine because they have spending money because their parents are paying for everything else. So they don't get good careers going because they have no incentive to if Mommy and Daddy are picking up their tab. As soon as they are out on their own, that is when they learn the value of money and having a good job, but will not learn that until they do move out.

 

Experience is the best teacher, and you won't learn anything if you're at home and all you're really experiencing of being an adult is 'thinking about it' and not actually DOING it.

 

So you need to get out and start doing. Daydreaming is not a talent at this point in your life, it is a huge hindrance to you launching yourself into the adult world and not taking responsibility for your own life. You need to stop thinking about things and start DOING what are normal things, such as moving out and sharing an apartment/house with some other girls. Most girls do that sometime between the age of 18-21, so you need to get cracking and get on with your life.

 

And frankly nobody is 'rubbed the wrong way...' it's your own life you're wasting, not anybody else's. People are trying to help you recognize that if you are unhappy with your current situation, you have no one to blame but yourself and your 'daydreaming' rather than 'doing'. You don't need a rocket launcher, you can make a change starting tomorrow by making a budget for yourself and investigating house sharing situations where you move into a shared housing situation. That will help you grow up a lot to be out on your own and making your own choices and responsible for yourself while getting feedback from peers your own age. When you start getting out on your own, the other choices become more clear.

[Supernova1607309611]

btw, another reason it would be good for you to get out and get some experience with your own finances. A 34 year old guy who works in a coffee shop doesn't make much money at all unless he OWNS the coffee shop or perhaps is a manager there, and it is certainly not enough to live a nice life financially unless you are the main breadwinner and get a professional job yourself to support a family on.

 

So if you've never had to support yourself, money may not seem important at all to you because someone else has always taken care of that, and hence it is OK to you that he earns very little because you don't have a good idea at all what it would cost to meet other goals like buying a nice car, a decent house, supporting kids, the stresses of both of you working in minimum wage jobs trying to do so. So this guy may look GREAT now if all you want from him is sex and attention, but when real world considerations come into play during marriage, he might not be the best choice to marry and settle down with unless you are OK with having to be the one who gets a job that can earn enough money to really support the both of you and a family.

 

So you need to get out and learn about money and careers and what standard of living you need to be comfortable with before you make a choice as to a partner.