Ending long term rel with complications

[FuPanda]

First time posting about this sort of thing so I hope this all makes sense. Sorry if this is a long winded explanation, and even further if this seems jumbled rather than condensed.

 

I've been with my fiance for 8 years (since during highschool). About three years in we were both unhappy with the relationship and she had cheated, so we split up. After six months apart she convinced me to get back together with her, and I did so not expecting us to last very long. A few months in she got pregnant on purpose because she wanted children right then and there, and knew that I would not go for it. I have stuck by her since then to be the Dad I want to be for my child and give them the upbringing I think they should have.

 

Four years on and I am constantly unhappy. I could write a big list of what I am unhappy with but I am certain noone would want to read through a rant, and doesnt need to in order to get my point. Largely I feel like I am doing all of the raising of our son and the majority of the work in the household. We both work full time with the same distance of travel away from home, but I am always the one taking care of the pick ups and drop offs also. I feel she has a spoilt child-like attitude with a ridiculous temper. I have been to see a counselor when things got bad and they referred to the way I am being treated as emotionally abusive. After talking through everything with them and spending some time thinking I really feel like I would like to end the relationship and become a single parent with majority custody (ie she gets to have our son every second weekend).

 

 

My biggest fear is that I will lose custody and have to watch my child being raised in the kind of environment she creates. I have been told the courts typically favour the mother for custody unless they can be proven unfit, and I could not accept that. We are engaged, own (paying off) a house together, have a four year old child and a fair amount of debt (also a point I am resentful about). When we have fought before and discussed splitting up after I have been told that she will fight me for full custody if we ever separate . Yet all of the time she just cannot handle parenting at all, and talks about how she just wants to be left alone or wishes she wasnt a parent....

 

I have decided that I absolutely must separate at some point in the near future. So my question is, how I can go about doing this to minimize impact and ensure the best outcome for my child and myself? Feel like I need some kind of a game plan for how things are going to go down and the steps ahead.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Clinton]

Get a lawyer. Best thing you can do. He'll know all about your chances in a custody battle and can advise you regarding alimony payments and child support.

 

Divorce costs money. Be prepared

[jjkk]

First of all, is she willing to get help for herself? Such as individual and couple's counseling to try and save the relationship?

 

As for the threat of fighting for full custody if you break up...do you really think she'll do that? She states she "wishes she wasn't a parent" and "wants to be left alone" if she's a single mom she'll have even less alone time and MORE responsibility in the way of parenting. You know her, do you think she'll really do this out of spite or consider herself "free" and let you have majority custody of your child? Just something to think about.

 

I'd suggest talking to an attorney, just get some ideas and some things to be prepared for and consider in all of this. They can help steer you in the right direction for a game plan and what you can do to prepare and the steps you need to take. I haven't been in this situation so I'm not familiar with the process, sorry. Best wishes with this!

[FuPanda]

First of all, is she willing to get help for herself? Such as individual and couple's counseling to try and save the relationship?

 

She has agreed to get counselling before and never followed through. When confronted she admitted that she just told me that to shut me up about it and had no intention of following through. She has said on numerous occasions when brought to that she sees zero value in a counselor and doesn't want to see one. I was seeing a counselor for a couple of months due to stress and depression. I told her about it and when the appointments were, but she never asked how they went or remembered that they were on.

 

As far as the custody issue... She is very worried about being shamed by her family and would likely pursue it out of pride alone. she believes that the mother should be the most important and involved parent, and even though she doesn't fit that stereotype, she wants other people to believe she does and expects a level of authority over the parenting and household.

 

Seeing a lawyer is tricky. She controls and monitors the money very closely making it very hard for me to afford something like that without drawing a lot of attention. Are there normally free or inexpensive services publicly available? I haven't been able to find much online.

 

I have been trying to talk to one of my close friends about this but he believes very strongly in family values (staying together for the kids and lasting forever). I keep hearing "but you love her really", "things will get better", and "You probably have a 90/10 relationship. Do you over look the 90% for the 10% bad?". Doesn't seem to get it

[mhowe]

Open your own bank account and start depositing your paycheck there. Right a check to your joint account for your portion of the bills/mtg.

 

You are planning on separating. Stop funding HER separation.

[jjkk]

mhowe's right, you need to get your finances separate.

 

Some attorneys will do a free initial consultation. I don't know how much information you get from them though but it's worth a try! Best wishes.