I am learning that I have nothing to offer...

[lerenard]

WHAT the hell does your father has to do with it now? Sorry but it sounds like an excuse. Its about you. Your time, your health and your well-being. Life shouldn't be about proving somebody their wrong, this is just childish.

[faraday]

I've glanced through this thread a few times since it was started...and I get the "I don't need a dresser. I don't need a car. I don't need the gym."

 

And to be honest...no one does. Most people do things to fit in.

 

People get dressers or in closet storage, so that their socks aren't sitting in piles on their chair or floor....because it makes it easier to vacuum, keeps things de cluttered (clutter stresses most people out to a degree), and then they can use the chair for sitting in. Not because there is some big furniture conspiracy.

 

People drive because taking the bus generally takes more time. And people value their time. It's also nice to do things on your own schedule, instead of transit schedule.

 

Most people don't go to the gym because they like running like a hamster on a wheel. They go because it makes them feel good....or...because they want to live longer and be more capable in their lives...or because they are vain. And every one of those reasons is valid.

 

We all do things we don't like every day so that we fit in.

 

I'm president of my condo board. I hate it. But I do it because the previous board member tried to bankrupt us with her spending...and so I stepped up...it's extremely time consuming, I don't get paid, but on the plus side, I'm more involved in my community- people know me and respect me...and if I do this task that I hate with a smile....most people even like me.

 

I hate cleaning. Hate it. Dusting makes me angry. But living under layers of dust grosses guests out. So I clean.

 

I love shovelling snow. I find a peace with it....I like making lines in the snow as I shovel my driveway. I like shovelling my neighbours snow...but most people don't. And that's okay. We all have things we like doing, and things we don't. But we still do the things we don't...because it gives us a sense of community, and being like others, means others will like us.

 

Honestly, while I live a somewhat unconventional life and I do a lot of things I don't like, just to fit in. And there's satisfaction in getting my giant to-do list done....and...it makes me a better partner....and by societies definitions, a better person.

 

And there you have it. Everyone does many things every day that they don't enjoy....just to fit in. That idea is generally instilled in us from a young age...and it's time you understand it too.

 

*shrugs*

 

Hope that helps clear up some ideas around the "whys" of others.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Batya33]

I get that. At the time I can ignore it, but can't get rid of it. I can't remember positive things very well at all. I can only remember negative thoughts, negative moments, etc.. It's like I feel like that's what my mind only wants.

 

The first step is knowing what you need to work on. What you wrote is what you need to work on. You can work on it if you are willing to. If having healthy and fun relationships is worth it to you, you will do the work. If it is not worth it then you will stay in your negative comfort zone.

[abitbroken]

Dougie, the only difference between this threads and threads from last year or three years ago is that your parents are not supporting you financially 100% anymore. There has been few other changes in your outlook or attitude since then. When anyone offers concrete advice on something to do, you tell them why it won't work. There was a whole other thread about "bringing something to the table."

 

And then my friends come over to my place and are like "don't you want to live in a better environment?" I'm like "yeah, but the price is right and I can walk to tons of places"

 

Soo - you answered and they can accept that or not. Don't worry about them. If you were in NYC or Boston, no one would bat an eye on it and would just ASSUME you didn't have a car because lots of people there don't.

 

Honestly though, buy yourself a dresser. You say you don't want to spend your OWN money on it, but its an adult thing to do. If not, rig your closet up with shelves. It will make you feel better to see less clutter.

[abitbroken]

I honestly wish I can work out for myself, but deep down I know that it's something my father would approve me doing. It's really that simple. He hired a personal trainer for me in highschool because HE wanted me to change. And now he gets irratted that I don't want to go to the gym or whatever.

 

I'm constantly trying to figure out ways to prove to my dad that it's not about looks.

 

Well - dad doesn't live with you and the trainer could be not about your looks but about your HEALTH and FEELING BETTER. get those endorphins flowing. I bet he wouldn't bother you if you were overweight as long as you were not sitting on your rear. If you went out, were social, rode your bike a lot and were happy, he probably would not have been on your case,

 

But now you are a grownup and on your own and you have to do things for yourself. Or stop complaining how you are not succeeeding, then. It doesn't fall into your lap in life. nothing does.

[Dougie_D]

Well - dad doesn't live with you and the trainer could be not about your looks but about your HEALTH and FEELING BETTER. get those endorphins flowing. I bet he wouldn't bother you if you were overweight as long as you were not sitting on your rear. If you went out, were social, rode your bike a lot and were happy, he probably would not have been on your case,

 

But now you are a grownup and on your own and you have to do things for yourself. Or stop complaining how you are not succeeeding, then. It doesn't fall into your lap in life. nothing does.

 

nothing falls in your lap, but you can't deny that people that are most favored in an area will benefit from that favorism.

 

For example, if you seem approachable you will most likely be approachable. If you have a crush on someone, you will do things for them.

 

I feel like many good looking people have higher opportunities just because they are perceived overall as a better person..even if they don't have the skills required.

[Batya33]

But it's not a comparison game. Life isn't fair. Bad people get great opportunities, good people have terrible things happen to them. What's new about that? So, put that aside - the pity party of "life isn't fair" and you do the best with what you've got. Some things will come easier than other things, you'll have some good luck and not so good luck. The difference is you -you have to be proactive and go for any opportunities that come your way.

 

I'll give you an example. I'm trying to expand my network here in my newish city where I've never worked but I would like to someday. I heard on my public radio station that they were looking for volunteers for their phone drive.

 

Even though it was quite inconvenient to get there and take the time (basically a 4.5 hour commitment on a Friday) I did it because I had a feeling that I'd have things in common with the volunteers and to help the radio station which I enjoy so much.

 

I had a good time although it was actually hard work and very intense. I received a thank you e-mail from the supervisor there. Then, as a thank you for volunteering I received an invitation to an event that is at night, inconveniently located, at a time when I am usually exhausted (full-time mom of a young child). My husband convinced me to go -it is a very unique event, only a few hours, and there likely will be some interesting people there. My point - from hearing an advertisement on the radio I am now going to my second "networking" event that is out of my comfort zone in every way -nothing to do with being a mom - and because I've chosen to take the opportunity.

 

Almost every successful opportunity I've ever had in life happened this way -from being aware of small ways of getting access to interesting experiences that then turned into more -in fact, I was "famous" for a short time as a teenager and that started with hearing an ad on a radio station for summer internships for teenagers.

 

(Obviously the next event may be the last time I ever have contact with anyone from the radio station but I'm going to show up). So, grab the opportunities, show up, get out of your comfort zone. If I can do that at 48 with a young child you can do that at 33 in your situation.

[Tinydance]

Haven't read everything because there are so many comments so sorry if I repeat what other people have said. You mentioned "Lars and the Real Girl" (I love that movie and Ryan Gosling and in that movie Lars does actually open up and finally get close to a girl. I think the key here is to be a lot more open and approachable. I totally agree with you, looks are not the only key to be getting romantic relationships. Besides, from your photo you look fine. I see all kinds of people in relationships, some even disabled ir disfigured, so I sure you would definitely have a chance if you just got up a bit more self-confidence and made moves on women. It's very hard for me to judge what you can bring to the table because I don't know anything about you and also different women may want different things. But some things I'd look for in a man are:

 

Has some kind of secondary education (even community college is OK). Though if I really really like the guy I may not even care about that.

 

Has a job and ambition.

 

Is an individual, I.e. has his own hobbies, interests, friends, opinions. Not just a passive or extremely withdrawn person.

 

Have things in common.

 

Understands me and accepts me for who I am.

 

Supportive and not giving me a hard time if I'm going through difficult times.

 

Sexual chemistry and attractive to me (not necessarily objectively attractive).

 

Do you have these things or something along these lines? Then I think you can definitely "bring something to the table".

 

I think the guys that post on these forums and say they've never had a relationship in their late 20's and 30's, their main obstacle is shyness and lack of self-confidence and not so much anything else.

[Tinydance]

I agree with most things you said, but I don't agree that all women just want a game, to be chased, play hard to get and mess with egos. Don't you think you are generalising here? I'm a very honest, open and straightforward woman and I don't like to play any games or lead anyone on. If I like a guy, I will just show my interest and not expect to be chased for ages. Sure, some women might like that but you can't just say that about all women. What if I said, "All men just want sex". You'd be annoyed with that statement, right?

[Tinydance]

If it's just the intimacy, maybe hire an escort as a tutor to get you over the hurdles. You don't have to have sex or even kiss if you're worried about what an escort may bring to the table. But she could help you to iron out all the wrinkles. I bet I nice escort would love to help.

 

Ummm, OK, but why just take the easy way out with an escort when he could be spending his time (and money) more efficiently trying to meet women for free? Even if you do get an escort OP, may I just suggest that you don't tell any women you've only ever been with an escort (or that you've been with an escort at all). I once briefly dated a guy who was 27 and he told me the only woman he'd ever been with was being with a prostitute once and to be honest it really put me off that he just took the easy way out. Not to mention that he went to a prostitute.

[Tinydance]

Well my mother had problems having kids and before me she had a stillborn and miscarriages and she was only able to have me. So I've always been sheltered and smothered too for fear of losing me and I'm also an only child. I've always wished it hadn't been like that, just as you do, but I don't think ruminating on the past helps. You need to look to the future. Doesn't matter if you have hearing impairment or not, if some women are going to judge you for that, then they're not worth it anyway.

[Tinydance]

WHAT the hell does your father has to do with it now? Sorry but it sounds like an excuse. Its about you. Your time, your health and your well-being. Life shouldn't be about proving somebody their wrong, this is just childish.

 

Agree with this, your life is in your hands and only you can make changes.

[Mesemene]

Responsibility is the same thing as what is attractive. At least to me, it's totally subjective. I have a responsibility to schedule my online games with opponents before the dead line everyday. I have a responsibility of getting to work at a certain time. I have the responsibility of paying bills on time.

 

Some people might say playing video games is an irresponsible act.

 

Plus, there has to be some sort of task to be responsible or not. Women can't just assume you are irresponsible until they have somewhat been involved with you.

 

As someone who has juggled family life, a job, household responsibilities, and online gaming - I can safely say that only spending on entertainment and not juggling in some expenditure on the world everyone else lives in is limiting to the nth degree. It's not that it's a bad hobby, any more than a sport or another leisure activity - it's that it limits what you're going to have in common with others. It's like, for example, fishing. You get someone who is a die hard fisherman, and doesn't feel the need to spend on anything else, the immediate impression for any girl (or guy, depending) is that your hobby or interest is central to your life, and they can't help wondering where they're going to fit in.

 

You have to be prepared to compromise to make all the pieces fit. By only demonstrating your interest in spending time/money on one thing, you're giving the appearance that everything else will be secondary in your life unless, like a job, it's mandatory for survival. And you have to be honest with yourself - are you willing to cut back on your hobby if it's an interest your potential date doesn't share?