I am learning that I have nothing to offer...

[Dougie_D]

I have a problem and I am stuck where I need to fix it. I've never been in a relationship and feel like it may never happen. When I had hit my 30's, (I'm 33) people kept on asking "well, what do you bring to the table?".

 

I'd try to fight that answer, but now, maybe they are right. Maybe I really DON'T bring anything to the table?

 

Am I'm being too hard on myself, or can I make myself more valuable/attractive in ways I've never thought of. Don't believe the physical parts "hot body, etc.." should be something that is needed to bring to the table.

 

I'm starting to think that I don't even know how to show affection.

[Batya33]

Do you know how to be a good listener? Are you interested in what other people have to say? What do you contribute to other people - what small kindnesses do you do? Dating is kind of the big leagues of social interaction so see if you need work on social skills in friendships before you evaluate how you do at the dating process.

[Gymgirlxx]

I know a few have mentioned changing your profile pic., that honestly might help! Also, find a hobby, something you are passionate about. Passion is super sexy

[Dougie_D]

I know a few have mentioned changing your profile pic., that honestly might help! Also, find a hobby, something you are passionate about. Passion is super sexy

 

Bringing something to the table shouldn't be based on physical attraction. I have passions and hobbies, but maybe I don't show it strongly enough? I am definitely more low key with that stuff.

[Jeffbobo]

I'd say screw the online dating thing. Get out and experience life. Join special interest groups. This way you csn either learn something new or enhance and enjoy something you already know how to do. Doing this will give you a chance to meet others with similar interests and in the process, hone your socialization skills. Who knows... You may even meet that special woman in the process. Whether you do or don't meet someone, that's not the important thing. What's important is that you are showing you have a willingness to learn and don't have a fear in trying new things. Set your mind to it, don't think about it, just do it and don't give a rip what others think about you doing it, whatever it may be. So there is one example of creating value.

[Silverbirch]

Hey, I've read some of your posts to people who are struggling, and you came accross to me as caring, funny and intelligent.

[Dougie_D]

Do you know how to be a good listener? Are you interested in what other people have to say? What do you contribute to other people - what small kindnesses do you do? Dating is kind of the big leagues of social interaction so see if you need work on social skills in friendships before you evaluate how you do at the dating process.

 

I can be interested in what they are saying if the conversation is interesting enough for me, if that makes any sense. You mention small kindnesses...maybe I'm being too kind and I look like a door mat in front of women.

 

Also, anytime I feel like I've been on dates, I realize they are not. One could say I dated this one chick but then you can say I didn't. - (went to movies at least 4 times by ourselves, went to concerts together, drank at bars together, she took care of my car while I was on tour, she let me stay over at her place for 2 nights when I was homeless, I helped her move, ). She was probably the closest I felt having a girlfriend.

 

I don't know how to show or be affectionate enough probably. I want to hug, touch, kiss, etc.. but I need LOTS of warming up for myself to do that. And when I try to do all that stuff, I think because I'm so nervous, it comes off extremely awkward. I tried to kiss the girl on the cheek and ended up kissing her closer to her ear.

 

If you've ever seen Lars and the Real Girl then you will get a better idea of how I am or how I feel around people.

[Batya33]

I am interested in people's stories and anecdotes especially if I learn something new about the world or the person. Do you think your interests are wide ranging enough so that you are motivated to be an active listener? What small kindnesses did you do in the last 48 hours since you say that you probably do too much for people?

 

You can't be too nice but you can be too passive or too much of a people pleaser even when you are not being treated with respect. Nothing to do with kindness or niceness really.

[Mfic99]

Is the issue you are intimidated to approach woman so you don't have access because of your fears? Or is it you are not able to close the deal? It's one or the other. Not having a relationship has nothing to do with what you offer. MAINTAINING a relationship does, but since you've never had that, that's not the issue

[Dougie_D]

Is the issue you are intimidated to approach woman so you don't have access because of your fears? Or is it you are not able to close the deal? It's one or the other. Not having a relationship has nothing to do with what you offer. MAINTAINING a relationship does, but since you've never had that, that's not the issue

 

Closing the deal... and even if I am able to get a date in, apparently they are never considered dates according to the girls. I don't know what you call it. One on one dinner or movies are usually a date, right?

[Mfic99]

Closing the deal... and even if I am able to get a date in, apparently they are never considered dates according to the girls. I don't know what you call it. One on one dinner or movies are usually a date, right?

 

There is a book at Barnes and Nobel called the pick up artist. Get it fast!!! It woo change your life !

[bob the brave]

First, ignore the change profile pic. I think you're fine.

 

I think Jeffbobo has some good advice. And don't forget that dating initially is in large part physical, the attraction has a lot to do with it. Men get a wrap for being all sex and physical minded, but I have found women are just the same if not worse. It's a birds and bees thing, like it or not. So, it doesn't hurt to be presentable.

 

If you want a girl, they like a game, being chased, playing hard to get and messing with egos. I have seen guys with less than nothing to offer fight girls off because they know how to play the game. But you sound like a solid kind of guy that isn't looking to score. You want a nurturing, symbiotic relationship. Then you must look for women, not girls. They will appreciate your intellect and compassion. They will be tolerant of kinks and bugs with intimacy.

 

As far a stuffing your resume, the options are endless. Others have mentioned some great ideas. Just pick something you like to do and join a club. I went rock climbing for a while just for the experience not to meet girls but I was shocked. The outings were full of hot, go-getter type girls. And man could they climb! Who knew girls liked to rock climb? They ranged from an auto mechanics teacher to a DA for the state of NY. Who knows what you'll find.

 

The important things is don't over think. Just go out and have fun. Good luck

[Dougie_D]

I live in LA. Being presentable has never been my strongpoint. I'm just not into style and fashion

[Dougie_D]

And I'm looking to bang too. But not looking to pay for it. I just know that if I'm in a relationship, I will get it. But I'm not looking for one night stands. I'm looking to establish friends with benefits.

[Mfic99]

I live in LA. Being presentable has never been my strongpoint. I'm just not into style and fashion

 

That will eliminate some, but no worries

[Dougie_D]

Thank you. I've heard from girls that I would be a great boyfriend. It's the physical attraction and intimacy that are my weaknesses. Basically I'm friend zone for life apparentky

[bob the brave]

If it's just the intimacy, maybe hire an escort as a tutor to get you over the hurdles. You don't have to have sex or even kiss if you're worried about what an escort may bring to the table. But she could help you to iron out all the wrinkles. I bet I nice escort would love to help.

[Dougie_D]

If it's just the intimacy, maybe hire an escort as a tutor to get you over the hurdles. You don't have to have sex or even kiss if you're worried about what an escort may bring to the table. But she could help you to iron out all the wrinkles. I bet I nice escort would love to help.

there's money involved with that. Plus, I already know she won't care or freak out because she knows that I'm inexperienced and we had established that's why she is there. My mindset is different if the girl lets me touch her or let me try to be intimate. I would learn what it feels like, but I need to figure out how to that with a stranger instead of a "teacher". I'm very respectful when showing any touching with girls.

[Batya33]

And I'm looking to bang too. But not looking to pay for it. I just know that if I'm in a relationship, I will get it. But I'm not looking for one night stands. I'm looking to establish friends with benefits.

 

What do you think makes you a good candidate for being good friends with a woman? Where are you meeting women who are looking to be friends with you? If you're looking for a sex partner and you don't really care if there's an established friendship then there are web sites you can go to for that. And if that's the extent of it then it doesn't really matter what you have to "offer" other than the ability to have sex with a woman.

[blueidealist24]

What do you think makes you a good candidate for being good friends with a woman? Where are you meeting women who are looking to be friends with you? If you're looking for a sex partner and you don't really care if there's an established friendship then there are web sites you can go to for that. And if that's the extent of it then it doesn't really matter what you have to "offer" other than the ability to have sex with a woman.

 

Yeah, I bet you could find someone on Craigslist to have sex with you as a "buddy" without paying for it, if you are willing to go there. I mean, you aren't repulsive and that is really the only criteria for intimate encounters on that.

[testcase]

Well the good news is you're getting dates. If you take a girl to the movies or dinner it's a date. Maybe they're saying it's not a date cause things got awkward there or things never went anywhere.

 

I'd say at this point it's obviously not your looks. Looks open doors don't get me wrong... But it's the rest the builds the attraction.

 

What do you have to offer? Well everyone needs to offer something. The more you offer the better. I think the best thing to offer from a dating perspective is comfortability and fun. If you can make sure your date feels and ease and is laughing you're doing a good job.

 

Now the physical. I have a huge problem with this too. I usually have the most luck with aggressive women... Women who let me know how they're feeling about things. Those women seem to be a bit more rare tho. You have to lay groundwork early on. Maybe sit at the bar on a date. Few drinks in if you think it's going real well put your hand on her leg. Small move that will tell you a lot about how she's feeling.

 

Dating is a constant learning process. I've went on multiple dates where I never got the kiss. Obviously things are going to fizzle out and it was mostly my fault. You have to feel things out and get better at making moves. I mean when you hug you should know if you can get a kiss or not.

[Dougie_D]

I average a "date" maybe 1 every 2 years.

I've never got the vibe that I was suppose to kiss except once. And I blew my chance.

[testcase]

Hey man it's not over. Dating sucks. Trying to get dates sucks. The whole process... Well sucks. But it does get easier. It's truly one of those things where practice makes perfect. The more dates you get the easier it is to get them. The more dates you go on the less nervous you are. The more "moves" you make it's easier to do that too. You just have to keep grinding on.

 

Are you afraid of rejection?

[Mfic99]

Thank you. I've heard from girls that I would be a great boyfriend. It's the physical attraction and intimacy that are my weaknesses. Basically I'm friend zone for life apparentky

 

Dude, attraction is built through confidence, not weakness. Look even if you do land a woman, she'll walk all over you. Get strong internally first. And if your friend zoned right away your being too available.

[bob the brave]

Dude, attraction is built through confidence, not weakness. Look even if you do land a woman, she'll walk all over you. Get strong internally first. And if your friend zoned right away your being too available.

 

Excellent advice. Gotta agree 100%.