I am learning that I have nothing to offer...

[Dougie_D]

Hey man it's not over. Dating sucks. Trying to get dates sucks. The whole process... Well sucks. But it does get easier. It's truly one of those things where practice makes perfect. The more dates you get the easier it is to get them. The more dates you go on the less nervous you are. The more "moves" you make it's easier to do that too. You just have to keep grinding on.

 

Are you afraid of rejection?

 

No, I actually anticipate it. I'll get rejected 9/10 times. I'm so used to it by now. I think that's where my nervousness/awkwardness comes in...is when a girl actually wants to do something, I'll freak out and tell myself it's just a fluke.

[Lito]

Hi there,

 

 

said with kindness:

I'm a woman and i agree with the suggestion to maybe change this picture..

>>Bringing something to the table shouldn't be based on physical attraction.

 

well, there's no 'shouldn't' that matters here, it is what it is.. you can't tell people what they 'should' or 'shouldn't' want..

 

it's like a company trying to sell a product and saying "customer should want this / shouldn't want that", you know?..

 

especially if

>>I'm looking to establish friends with benefits.

 

not a 'deeper' (for lack of better word) relationship..

And anyway, you do know people first see the physical part, even if that may not be the most important in the long run.. so why not present yourself in a more flattering way? personally, i like a smile for example.

 

 

From reading you I get the feeling that you feel you're both right and doomed at the same time..

and that you're too hard on yourself..(sorry for the cliche).. and i've noticed people who are hard on themselves tend to be hard on others, too, they give a 'rigid' vibe..

 

(anyway, just trying to give you my humble opinion

[Dougie_D]

You are exactly right that I feel doomed. The longer my life goes, I've been slowly learning that I tend to self-sabotage myself for good things. I've been telling myself for the longest time that I "don't deserve happiness or good things".

 

I was raised a good life. I never had to worry about things. But I was born with a hearing disability that made my parents shelter me even more. I look at adopted kids and it's known that their birth parents didn't want them. But my parents kept me around and did the things they thought was right to treat a sick kid. That's something I never thought I deserved.

 

Also, I felt like I was always a burden to my family. And still do and probably the rest of my life. I always wonder if I was born with better hearing that maybe I wouldn't be so sheltered and protected and be "loved" by my parents so much at times. I always wonder that I would become the man my family would want.. I'd be able to pass down my last name. When I was born, the doctors tied my mothers tubes. I always have this feeling that I would have a younger sibling if they knew beforehand that I was going to be sick.

 

You are right. I am way too hard on myself. I've been blaming myself for being born and making my family having to love me more than they really needed to.

 

I just don't know how to not blame myself.

[Fudgie]

It's impossible to say how life would have been different for you but ruminating on it does no good. At some point, in order to see improvement, you're going to have to take control of your life and say "okay, I was dealt a hard hand, what am I going to do about it? Or am I going to keep making excuses and saying 'Oh I was born with bad hearing so my life is screwed up for good.'"

 

I don't mean to be harsh but you are having yourself a little pity party and that's not going to help you. When are you going to stop?

[Batya33]

"I look at adopted kids and it's known that their birth parents didn't want them."

 

It's statements like these that feed your negative view of the world. You have no idea if that is true. I'm sure many children are adopted because their parents are deceased or too ill to take care of them properly.

 

I agree with Fudgie.

[tiredofvampires]

If you feel doomed, it certainly can't make things worse to get into counseling. Which has been recommended to you zillions of times, and the means to try to get it cheaply have also been suggested. See your past threads.

 

There are a lot of self-worth and self-esteem issues that are blocking you, sabotaging you, and undermining any efforts you might make to "bring things to the table." You are alternately defiant and defensive about why you don't stretch beyond your comfort zones to better yourself, and self-criticism/self-blame. You swing back and forth between justifying your existing choices, and feeling trapped with them. You can't possibly take a step forward if every time you move your left foot, you step on it with your right.

 

So you NEED HELP, and more help than just posting about your lack of morale on ENA, which always degenerates into a discussion of dating strategies, and the theme of self-improvement is lost.

 

There were a lot of things not under your control in your life; but there are more things that now ARE, and I have yet to see you make a solid move to do something about a single one of them. Even if you change just one piece on the chessboard, it affects the game, but you're at a complete standstill, by your own choice through the mechanisms I described. You have a choice, you have choices. You have a choice not to keep running in circles by doing and thinking the same habitual things, thus dooming yourself for sure. No change = doom. You have to WANT TO change enough to do something different, first in the way you THINK about change (which you've been very ambivalent about) and I don't mean part your hair on the left whereas before it was parted down the middle. You have to want change -- emotional change, mental change, physical change, integrated whole-person change, more than these tried-and-true re-runs of feeling.

 

If I were you, the one piece I'd choose on the chessboard first is seeing a professional counselor, because that will help you learn how to move the other pieces (and why you have trouble doing that).

 

I know you've said you've been briefly in therapy as a youngster and didn't like it, but that was a whole different story. You were there because of a lot of medical issues and your parents' intervention, but now this would be on your own terms, and getting therapy as an adult feels much more supportive and you have a lot more control over the matter. I know because I was sent to therapy at 11, and as an adult I've gone, and there was/is no comparison in the experience. Getting a therapist who treats you with respect and you can trust to talk about these issues and obstacles won't be too hard in your area, because LA has a high percentage of people who are doing just that.

[Fudgie]

I agree with TOV. I was forced to go to therapy for a few sessions when I was 11. While I am thankful that I went because it allowed me to get onto some much-needed medication, it was a bad experience. The therapist didn't know me, only my siblings because she had treated them, and so she had great compassion for them and none for me, and was condescending "Don't you understand what they are going through, why can't you just be nicer to them" and that was just not the thing to say to a suicidal 11 year old.

 

As an adult, I can tell you, therapy is a lot better. It's your own choice, with someone with your own choosing? Don't like your therapist? Well chuck that fish back into the sea and get another one. My first experience with therapy was horrible because I was not in control of my life and I hated the therapist. You ARE in control here.

[tiredofvampires]

Yeah, Fudgie, I felt therapy as a child was a patronizing/humiliating experience, too. My therapist meant well, but just feeling like I was a broken kid made me feel like even more of a freak than I felt outside in the world.

 

Whole different ballgame as an adult, when you're talking to eachother as one adult to another. And as you say, if your therapist is not working for you, or doesn't show you respect, you have the control. You can fire them and find another.

 

I recalled, Dougie, that in a past thread when I asked you "what you bring to the table", you said that 1. you would listen to your partner if they needed an ear, and 2. you would provide sex. Those are the only two things you came up with, and so I have to tell you, in all honesty, those 2 things alone can't hold up a relationship, even though they are 2 important things.

 

So I think it would be important for you to think about what you'd LIKE to bring to the table, what you think women might want out of a relationship, and how this checks out with what you'd currently be bringing (those 2 things).

 

Maybe you don't even know what women want besides an ear and sex? (though women want different things, and no two women are alike, there would be more needed by most women than just those 2 things, in terms of what they could list as "things I enjoy" in a partner.)

 

On adoption, Batya is right; my older sister had two children that she adopted out, because she could not keep them for health and socioeconomic reasons (they were planned pregnancies AND adoptions, though; the adoptions were open, so she still has contact with the family that adopted them). There is a part of her that she says will never stop grieving giving them up, and she even goes to yearly support group meetings for "birth parents" (many of whom aren't as lucky as my sister, as they don't know where their children are), and the room is always full of tears, sorrow, and heartbreaking stories of grief and loss, by women who felt they were doing their babies right by giving them to someone who could take care of them better. It's not that they didn't love or want them.

 

I'm unclear -- you were adopted, Dougie?

[Dougie_D]

I'm not adopted but sometimes I wish I was so I can feel better about my parents wanting to take care of me and loving me. I don't pity myself. I blame myself for being born.

 

This is part of my dad being too hard on me. He takes pride of himself and his "legacy". I'm the last of the line. He's always wanted me to be like him. That's why he treated me the way he does. Some kids can't handle the pressure and commit suicide, but I am afraid of death.

 

I'm a little confused about being a youngster. My parents tricked me to go see a therapist when I was 23 or something. Then I ended up going and taking a personality test at age 25 or 26.

 

Also, I figured out what I've been trying to say all these years. I want and OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

[Dougie_D]

The control part is what I'm not used to. I've always felt like I've never been in control of my life. Growing up, my parent always butted it or pursuaded me. (like college -- I only looked into one college my junior year. I always wanted to look at other colleges my senior year.. My car, I wanted a different car, but my dad basically bought one for me. My apt, my parents looked around behind my back...I always wanted to do my own thing but I feared to challenge my parents. And when I did, my parents were proud but upset at the same time. They always threw in the "my advice wasn't good enough for you?" type of deal.

 

Now that I have more control of my life, I'm freaking out. I feel lonely without someone telling me what to do.

[90_hour_sleep]

Closing the deal... and even if I am able to get a date in, apparently they are never considered dates according to the girls. I don't know what you call it. One on one dinner or movies are usually a date, right?

 

Are you just afraid of making a move...and dealing with the potential rejection? Understandable if that's the case. I don't really make bold moves. Just subtle ones...and hope that the girl is interested enough to take the risk.

[Batya33]

The control part is what I'm not used to. I've always felt like I've never been in control of my life. Growing up, my parent always butted it or pursuaded me. (like college -- I only looked into one college my junior year. I always wanted to look at other colleges my senior year.. My car, I wanted a different car, but my dad basically bought one for me. My apt, my parents looked around behind my back...I always wanted to do my own thing but I feared to challenge my parents. And when I did, my parents were proud but upset at the same time. They always threw in the "my advice wasn't good enough for you?" type of deal.

 

Now that I have more control of my life, I'm freaking out. I feel lonely without someone telling me what to do.

 

Take baby steps as far as making decisions on your own and see how each of those feel. Time to put the past behind you -you're an adult now.

[simply]

In terms of absolute necessity, women are most attracted to responsibility. Do you live on your own, have a job, interesting hobbies, can you read body language, speak with brevity, make good jokes, hide any insecurity well, have a good group of friends, education? Could you support a family? At your age, women(good ones anyway) are expecting men to have these bare necessities.

 

My advice is to write down everything you hate about yourself(while being as brutally honest as you can), and work on improving all of what you have written down. Never lie or fabricate any details about your imperfections, it will only serve to hurt you.

[Batya33]

In terms of absolute necessity, women are most attracted to responsibility. Do you live on your own, have a job, interesting hobbies, can you read body language, speak with brevity, make good jokes, hide any insecurity well, have a good group of friends, education? Could you support a family? At your age, women(good ones anyway) are expecting men to have these bare necessities.

 

My advice is to write down everything you hate about yourself(while being as brutally honest as you can), and work on improving all of what you have written down. Never lie or fabricate any details about your imperfections, it will only serve to hurt you.

 

I was most attracted to someone I could laugh with/compatible senses of humor (and of course physical attraction/chemistry). I wanted all the things I could offer including responsibility -it was not out of "necessity" - I could take care of myself. I needed the person to be ambitious and financially stable like me but supporting a family without any help from me was not a requirement. Perhaps some women are most attracted to "responsibility out of necessity" -especially those who want children (not all women do) but certainly not all.

[Silverbirch]

 

Now that I have more control of my life, I'm freaking out. I feel lonely without someone telling me what to do.

 

 

That's a normal way for you to feel - when people are new to making their own choices, they also become new to facing the consequences of their choices so there is that fear of stuffing things up . . . And we all make mistakes at times - that is how we learn to make better choices.

[Dougie_D]

Take baby steps as far as making decisions on your own and see how each of those feel. Time to put the past behind you -you're an adult now.

 

The problem is that these steps are what people want me to take. For instance, I just paid a bunch of money for my car to be fixed and it still isn't fixed. There is still something messed up with it. The only time when I drove it was to work. back and forth... Now, I don't even do that. I just take the bus and people are like "dude, get a new car or something" I decided to not drive now. I can still get to work and home. I find ways to adapt.

 

And then my friends come over to my place and are like "don't you want to live in a better environment?" I'm like "yeah, but the price is right and I can walk to tons of places"

 

I have a chameleon personality. Things change around me and I just adapt to the situation. One person said that I'm the only person she knows that could live in solitary confinement and not go crazy. She's right.

 

Right now, I'm making my own decisions (taking the bus because I rather not drive), (having my clothes piled up on my chairs and corner of room, because I rather not spend my OWN money to buy a drawer that I have no interest in).

 

I constantly feel guilty about making my own decisions because they think I'm just lazy. No, I just don't care about it until it starts to bother me. But for others, it bothers them quicker.

[Dougie_D]

That's a normal way for you to feel - when people are new to making their own choices, they also become new to facing the consequences of their choices so there is that fear of stuffing things up . . . And we all make mistakes at times - that is how we learn to make better choices.

 

I have no consequences to my choices. It's the other way around. People try to stuff me with theories that my choice is a consequence. It makes me feel guilty inside.

[Dougie_D]

In terms of absolute necessity, women are most attracted to responsibility. Do you live on your own, have a job, interesting hobbies, can you read body language, speak with brevity, make good jokes, hide any insecurity well, have a good group of friends, education? Could you support a family? At your age, women(good ones anyway) are expecting men to have these bare necessities.

 

My advice is to write down everything you hate about yourself(while being as brutally honest as you can), and work on improving all of what you have written down. Never lie or fabricate any details about your imperfections, it will only serve to hurt you.

 

I honestly hate that I feel guilty for everything that I do. Even being born. When I feel like I do something right, someone else comes and tells me I do it wrong. And lately, as my years have progressed, more and more people are telling me I'm wrong. This goes with about my looks too. I used not think I was ugly growing up. I used to think they teased me because of my hearing aid and bucked teeth. But eventually I had surgery for my ears and got braces. For some reason, it didn't click in my brain that I was being made fun of for anything else.

 

So, one day in highschool, my parents suggested plastic surgery to me out of the blue. That was incredibly insulting to me and it made me wonder more about my attractiveness.

 

Then to make it worse, my freshman year in college, some kid gave me the nickname "No Chin". I didn't understand what he meant. I started to realize that my chin was smaller than normal and I kept comparing my chin to other kids. This dramatically screwed with me. Than to make it even worse than that, I started to grow a beared. My dad actually said something nice to me "That beard looks really great on you!"... then I shaved it....and the insult came "why did you shave it? It makes you have more of a chin. I don't like it".

 

So now, I have a hard time figuring out if people are complementing me for good reasons or complementing me because I hide flaws that I've yet to discover about myself.

[Batya33]

I think you have to force yourself - and break the habit -of being so focused on what other people say. People can say nice things, rude things, neutral things -who cares. It's a hard habit to break but what I would do is say a polite thank you if the comment seems pleasant (and then move on from it ASAP just as you should from a negative comment). If someone says something rude simply understand that is because of that person's issues and has nothing to do with you.

[lerenard]

You care too much about what others say about your looks for somebody who thinks that "hot body" isn't something all that important to bring on the table. Your chameleon personality gets you. Stop trying to adapt into somebody everybody likes.

 

Do you work out regularly? Not because of a hot body, but because sport and regular sweating is the best way to calm your mind and feel good about yourself.

And come on, spend 50 dollars on an Ikea drawer, so your room wont look like a students room. What do you spend your money on? Or - what in your opinion is WORTH spending YOUR money on? Let me tell you this - when your flat is messy and unorganized, empty and bachelor-like (well, pile in the corner can be your way of organizing) your life and your thoughts will be just as messy.

[Dougie_D]

Responsibility is the same thing as what is attractive. At least to me, it's totally subjective. I have a responsibility to schedule my online games with opponents before the dead line everyday. I have a responsibility of getting to work at a certain time. I have the responsibility of paying bills on time.

 

Some people might say playing video games is an irresponsible act.

 

Plus, there has to be some sort of task to be responsible or not. Women can't just assume you are irresponsible until they have somewhat been involved with you.

[lerenard]

Maybe, instead of online games you could get out and volunteer?

This will definitely higher your self-worth-feeling and give you a possibility to meet great people.

[Dougie_D]

I think you have to force yourself - and break the habit -of being so focused on what other people say. People can say nice things, rude things, neutral things -who cares. It's a hard habit to break but what I would do is say a polite thank you if the comment seems pleasant (and then move on from it ASAP just as you should from a negative comment). If someone says something rude simply understand that is because of that person's issues and has nothing to do with you.

 

I get that. At the time I can ignore it, but can't get rid of it. I can't remember positive things very well at all. I can only remember negative thoughts, negative moments, etc.. It's like I feel like that's what my mind only wants.

[Dougie_D]

You care too much about what others say about your looks for somebody who thinks that "hot body" isn't something all that important to bring on the table. Your chameleon personality gets you. Stop trying to adapt into somebody everybody likes.

 

Do you work out regularly? Not because of a hot body, but because sport and regular sweating is the best way to calm your mind and feel good about yourself.

And come on, spend 50 dollars on an Ikea drawer, so your room wont look like a students room. What do you spend your money on? Or - what in your opinion is WORTH spending YOUR money on? Let me tell you this - when your flat is messy and unorganized, empty and bachelor-like (well, pile in the corner can be your way of organizing) your life and your thoughts will be just as messy.

 

I honestly wish I can work out for myself, but deep down I know that it's something my father would approve me doing. It's really that simple. He hired a personal trainer for me in highschool because HE wanted me to change. And now he gets irratted that I don't want to go to the gym or whatever.

 

I'm constantly trying to figure out ways to prove to my dad that it's not about looks.

[Dougie_D]

Oh... Money has no value to me. If I purchase anything its for entertainment purposes only. Not anything that other people feel is a required or something.