Did you ever regret checking their phone? Yes or no.

[PurpleButterfly]

Hey,

 

So I did the worst thing and I check his phone. We broke up about 6-7 months a go and and I maintained NC he however contacted me several times and eventually gave up, I was moving on happily and slowly. We have mutual friends, we pub quiz together every Friday. I hadn't seen my ex at all at these pub quizzes we use to go as a couple when we were dating). But he started coming again after our mutual male friend asked him to join, so he did. Not much I could do about that really. It started off awkward but he was sat opposite me, so not much interaction happened anyway. We left and we happened to walk along side each other and we chatted. It was fine and casual with fleeting conversation between the others also.

 

He asked me to meet up for a drink during the week as purely JUST friends. I agreed. I wanted to break the ice and just feel friendly towards him, especially since it looks like he's rejoining our friendship group. I'm a grown woman, I can do this.... I did. We chatted, got on really well as though we were meeting for the first time. It was a platonic meet up.

 

We met up again with friends at the next quiz and then after that we both just went for another drink. Still platonic. Except he did apologise for the way he treated me, was sorry for his ex intruding on our time when we were together. I felt like for the first time he had shown me some real respect. It wasn't the drink talking, we had coffee. I started to feel warm towards him... like all old feelings were resurfacing. We agreed to maybe, only just maybe, consider trying again. Noting set in stone. I accepted his apologies and in the past our male friend said he'd changed a great deal.

 

He went to the loo at my house.... I don't know why I did it because I never did before.... but I checked his phone. he was still texting his ex Harriet. He wrote about how he "really missed" her. He even painted her a nice visual over text about them 2 going a festival like in old days, having a nice pint together etc. He always effing swore to me that they were just "best friends". I mean she is engaged and lives 4 hours away for God sake. She was playing along saying how much she missed him and how much she missed what they use to do together...... There's like 4 kisses at the end of the texts as well!! SERIOUSLY! !? He told me black and blue that they were just friends, they made better friends than a couple.... but if they miss each other and each others family that much they shouldn't have split up right??

 

ANSWER ME THIS. Can you REALLY move on with someone else if you miss your ex? You can't can you. Yet he WANTS to trying things again, made me WARM to the idea and then shoot me down with his cravings for his ex. One of the texts read: "Take care Harriet, I really miss you dude." The other one was "you and I are pulling up in the car at the Reading Festival, looking over the town, taking in a nice deep breath, and about to have a cheeky pint at our pub! Xxxxxxx" And she was all like "Yeah dude, then maybe having a cheeky smoke at our hotel! Xxxxx"

 

So angry at myself. I shouldn't have checked his phone. But I did, maybe it was for the best that I did. I've not told him I've checked his phone, but I've turned him down. I'm moving away next month, he isn't going to know until I'm gone.

 

So sad.

[snf23]

To answer your question, from my own past experience and from friends, you can't fully and properly move on if you miss your ex. Either you miss them or you just miss what you had together, but it doesn't matter. The issues are still there. I know you're sad because this guy got your hopes up that he had changed, but you're right when you say it was for the best that you did. You've now seen the type of person he truly is, and it's not a great one. Even though that sucks and sometimes when you see your ex do awful things you think "how could I have ever dated/been in love with that person?". My advice is not to dwell on that: it is what it is, and it was what it was. You're hurting now but this is for the best. Now you'll be able to move on completely, instead of getting back together with him or moving away and always wondering "what if?".

 

Also, something to keep in mind is that you trusted your gut, and it was right. If you truly trusted him and his intentions, you wouldn't have checked his phone.

[reinventmyself]

""ANSWER ME THIS. Can you REALLY move on with someone else if you miss your ex? You can't can you. Yet he WANTS to trying things again, made me WARM to the idea and then shoot me down with his cravings for his ex. One of the texts read: "Take care Harriet, I really miss you dude." The other one was "you and I are pulling up in the car at the Reading Festival, looking over the town, taking in a nice deep breath, and about to have a cheeky pint at our pub! Xxxxxxx" And she was all like "Yeah dude, then maybe having a cheeky smoke at our hotel! Xxxxx" ""

 

yes/no. .but this doesn't matter.

 

Your focus should be on why you would you even care for a second, since he is liar? You didn't mention why you broke up in the first place. But for whatever reason, you don't trust this guy and your intuition was telling you something. I don't condone snooping and checking but it kind of falls in a grey area when you are in the company of someone who has played you and is currently playing you. .

 

Somehow you are entitled to have the correct information to make a good decision in your own best interest.

He wasn't going to give it to you because your best interest was not of his concern. He was looking out for himself.

 

Whether he can move on or overlap you with feelings for someone should be irrelevant.

 

So the lesson here is to listen to your gut. .that way you won't ever have to feel shamed by looking at someone's phone again.

[ParisPaulette]

In a word--no. At least then I had in black and white what my gut was screaming at me and I was able to finally walk away. Only it wasn't his phone, it was the email he gave me a password to, probably hoping I'd find what I'd find and make it easy on him by ending things. So I did.

 

Never looked back after that. We were done. And my hardcore rule has always been if there is any contact with an ex that is sexual in nature then no, they are not moved on. But some people seem to have this weird fetish for involving a third party or they're so dysfunctional and damaged that they can't seem to function together unless they drag other people in to be a buffer or an incentive or...something. Whatever it is when you find yourself being on the hook with someone who is still in contact with their ex and it's clear it's sexual in nature, the person you're with has some sort of mental or emotional issues that have nothing to do with you and you won't fix them.

 

In short, they are not relationship material no matter what they say, no matter how badly you try to stick your head in the sand or wish it otherwise. Normal, healthy people don't even really want or need an ex around when they've moved on and are with someone new. I think it's a total yardstick that the person you're with who is still fixated on an ex, but selfishly trying to drag you in the middle is bleeped in the head and probably always was and likely always will be. Selfish, immature, needy, greedy, chronic cheater, conman, emotionally unavailable, inconsiderate--take your pick, one or more of those unlovely adjectives applies.

 

Plus some people just want a harem, but don't have the guts to just come out and say it. So they try to get multiple partners through deceit. Again, not relationship material.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, this is good reason to never talk to him again.

 

Sorry this happened.

[PurpleButterfly]

I'm just such a fool. I actually believed him. I actually felt that was the most respect he had ever shown me, ever. I'm just so angry because I kept my end of the bargain of keeping NC, admittedly it was mutually broken, but not intentionally. And I did feel warm to him, just warm. I don't know if I would have ever taken him back, but I opened my mind to the idea. Why did he do that? Why does he feel the need to be with someone when he's hung up on his ex STILL? Neither of them have respect for their own or each others relationships.

 

I just got so thoughtful after drinking that bottle of wine to myself. The rate I was going, I should have had a funnel...

 

I don't drink often btw, it was a one off and now this morning I'm even more tetchy because I feel sick and I gotta go to work, with that idiot whirring in my head.

 

I'm just like a puppet on strings to him. He's so damaging. I can't believe I was naive enough to think people like that didn't exist. I'm a big believer in second chances, but I can see not everyone deserves them.

 

I'm glad I checked his phone. But I hope in the future I don't make it a habit.

[Ms Darcy]

Perhaps it is incentive to stay no contact with the ex.

 

Honestly he sounds lonely more than anything and is just hedging his bets. Doesn't seem particularly interested in either of you genuinely.

[lerenard]

Stop being his friend. You hated the fact that his ex is his friend, and you are doing the exact same thing now?

 

And honestly, saying "kisses" or "I miss you" doesn't real mean they have romantic relationship. He said they were best friends, and it sounds like a best friend type of conversation, not like lovers conversation.

[PurpleButterfly]

Stop being his friend. You hated the fact that his ex is his friend, and you are doing the exact same thing now?

 

And honestly, saying "kisses" or "I miss you" doesn't real mean they have romantic relationship. He said they were best friends, and it sounds like a best friend type of conversation, not like lovers conversation.

 

Irregardless, that to me is still too close a relationship with an ex for me to deal with. I didn't necessarily want to be friends, I was considering giving him a second chance after thoroughly thinking about what I want and need and whether he's it.

 

What makes you feel that's just a platonic text may I ask? Would you be okay if you read that on your partners phone to an ex? I'm not trying to be rude here, I'm trying to get some perspective.

[reinventmyself]

Great questions. . I have a ex that I dated on and off for a few years. He's a commitmentphob. . Today, 7 years later we are great friends.

 

I have a great love for him and he for me, but I won't cross that line and try to be romantic with him. 2 reasons, he won't let you close and secondly, I adore his friendship. I can talk to him about my guy troubles and he does the same for his dating struggles.

 

He is very playful, drinks a little too much for my liking and our texts are innocently flirtatious filled with `love you's. .no, I love you more, shut up, miss you" and so on. We've been doing this for so long I don't know any different. He has even invited me to meet his current gf. . it just hasn't happened yet.

 

Now. .having said that I often think if I was his current gf I would not appreciate my bf carrying on like this with an ex. One of the many reasons my ex and I aren't romantically involved. His lack of commitment continues and his reaching out to ex's is an indication of that.

 

Some how I think we are the exception. .silly I know. Double standard, absolutely.

 

Why am I telling you this? I don't know the context in which your friend and his ex are chatting.

 

I don't have great answer for you. Gave me something to think about.

[PurpleButterfly]

Now. .having said that I often think if I was his current gf I would not appreciate my bf carrying on like this with an ex.

 

But you still continue to do so? Do you not think you're both crossing lines?

[lavenderdove]

j>>"Yeah dude, then maybe having a cheeky smoke at our hotel! Xxxxx"

 

It actually sounds like not only he is still interested in his ex, but the ex is suggesting they cheat on her finace and hook up in a hotel! So both he and she are sleazebags.

 

Information is your friend. So be happy you got this information about him. It saved you a lot of future heartache having him hook up with her (and probably others) and cheating while with you.

[lavenderdove]

>> our texts are innocently flirtatious filled with `love you's. .no, I love you more, shut up, miss you" and so on.

 

I think as soon as someone is in a committed relationship (engaged/married/live-in/serious), that kind of flirting just isn't appropriate unless the committed person is in an open relationship where the partner has agreed to those kinds of romantic gestures/connections with other people. It's disrespectful to the partner, and playing with fire and confusing boundaries.

[lavenderdove]

btw, on the subject of 'was the snooping OK', i think that you can never universally say it is right or wrong.

 

when there is potential cheating, there are usually a constellation of signs that come out that something is not quite right, and the intuition sets in with a nagging feelings that the commitment level isn't there, or the person isn't being open/honest with you, or the person may be pursuing/cheating with other people. And if that is the case, then it is only common sense that you would do what is necessary to find out whether something really is off or not.

 

However, if the person is doing nothing wrong and giving you no reason to be suspicious, then it would argue to not do any verification to see what is going on.

 

The real problem is that liars and cheats will indeed lie if you confront them directly. So simply asking them and then saying their word is all you need in the face of a constellation of signs that what they are saying is not true, isn't really a rational position to take.

 

So the appropriate position to take is to trust, but verify if you have strong reason to believe they are not being honest with you.

 

In this case, you had reason to believe based on the past that he was not being honest about what was going on with the ex. So your intuition probably drove you to check. It hopefully won't in future if you are with someone who is giving you absolutely no reason to suspect what he is up to might be cheating or lack of commitment.

[reinventmyself]

I guess what it boils down to is `intentions'

There is no intention on either side to cross that line.

The mere fact that we would be comfortable double dating with sig. others demonstrates our intention.

No. . it's not black and white.

[PurpleButterfly]

I guess what it boils down to is `intentions'

There is no intention on either side to cross that line.

The mere fact that we would be comfortable double dating with sig. others demonstrates our intention.

No. . it's not black and white.

 

If there's no intentions, then there's really no need to even suggest them is there? And you're being disrespectful to his gf as is he. Maybe you both get a kick from it, who knows.

 

I feel good that I checked his phone. I saw again what an ahole he is. I'm disappointed in myself for having been put in that position to do so. I'm not that way inclined to snoop, I've never had to on any scale in previous relationships. I feel that I didn't ask for his intrusion, but I acted maturely about it and got burned. I just really fail to see why he said such strong sentiments like:

 

"I have really dark thoughts, but you've been such an influence, you've kept me alive"

 

or

 

"You're the best relationship I've ever had, if it doesn't work with you, it wont work with anyone" (Whatever...)

 

or

 

"I've really, honestly never enjoyed the small stuff with someone so much, even mundane stuff like grocery shopping, or going to bed is the best apart of my day"

 

Sentences like these suckered me right in. I'm just peeved because he use to say these things to me, but when he said them to me again I believed him. I could see a change in his character (or so I thought).

 

It really fricking bugged me how he painted a nice visual for her of them two at the festival like the good old times! What the Hell!? Those days are over, why still remember them fondly. It scares me that they might miss each other too much and get back together.... even though he swore blind, until he was turning blue in the face, that he was so relieved when they were over and that their relationship was doomed.

 

Not that I care, I'm leaving. But I've got to give up our mutual friends, which is a real shame, as they made my life quite worthwhile....

[lavenderdove]

>>they might miss each other too much and get back together....

 

They might just be interested in cheating with each other, not getting back together! There are unfortunately lots of people out there who just enjoy cheating. They don't want to leave their primary partner, but they do enjoy the spice and variety of having someone on the side to flirt with and see sometimes to build their egos and break up the routine. I know one man who's been divorced for 25 years who still hooks up with his first wife, even though they are married to other people, whenever he's in town and they can get away with it. I caught on to him doing this while I was dating him (and dumped him). They'd see each other on the context of sharing a child, but the reality was behind the scenes they kept up the flirtation and affair.

 

Their exchanges sound like they are enjoying the game of sneaking around and flirting behind each other's backs, and might very well cheat whenever they can get away with it.

 

So they are not thinking about those days being 'over,' they are thinking about keeping that spice alive on the side to amuse themselves with whenever they get bored, and to also slip away and cheat when they feel like they can get away with it. So he just wasn't telling you the real truth, that he likes a primary relationship, and spice on the side, and is keeping up the spice with the ex.

 

btw, you can keep up the mutual friends... just see them privately and not in group situations where he might be. Invite them out somewhere else, and make sure they don't invite him. And if you do see him, just nod politely, then ignore him.

[reinventmyself]

""If there's no intentions, then there's really no need to even suggest them is there? And you're being disrespectful to his gf as is he. Maybe you both get a kick from it, who knows.""

 

 

OK. .well that didn't make any sense. .but

you have no idea who I am or what I am about. . I get that you're angry but this is

a good case of misdirected anger and projection