Don't know how to leave.

[Lala5001]

My partner,no longer acts like one.

 

I seem to be waiting for things to go back to how they were when i know i'm kidding myself.

 

He proposed to me last week,two weeks after he said he would,he forgot the ring and felt he had to go and get it at 3am,

He asked me to marry him while staring at the dash board of the car,shoving a ring in my face which didnt fit and was massive,whilst listening to a rap song him and his friends listen too and farting. He never even asked my father first,im traditional and he knew too.

The night was then followed by him shoving me in the breast which was agonizing and an 'accident' when i tried to reach my ring that he'd thrown into the back of the car.

This is a new low.

 

He's never there to share good news with,his work means i don't get to see him much as he works nights and we live a distance. He's never at the end of the phone,he isn't even the guy i fell in love with any more and i'm struggling to come to terms with it.

 

I don't feel like i know him anymore and even my dreams are full of me just chasing him,finding him and he's a stranger.

I can't go on like this,it's effecting me.

 

Everyday,its putting me on a low. Even while i'm busy,it's at the back of my mind and bringing me down.

I don't feel like i have the courage to leave but i don't know why. I feel stuck. And i can feel myself falling out of love with him because of who he has become.

 

Help.

[ThatwasThen]

You stop being afraid to be alone and you stop being afraid by realizing that you are far more lonely with him then you ever would be on your own and living happily in your own skin.

 

He threw the ring in the back seat of his car and you lowered yourself to try and retrieve it? That, to me would be a sign that he was hoping you'd break up with him.

 

He wanted you to have the self-respect to break up with him and NOT lower yourself to go after it... but you did go after it and he likely lost all respect for you at that point but since it sounds like he's an abuser, he will just abuse you even more. Why... because he can, because you allow him to.

 

He sounds like a cheap hood that doesn't know a decent thing. How can you expect someone like him to be a good LIFEmate? Surely you have a support system, a family, friends, a therapist that will help you to get over him once you find your dignity and get rid of him.

 

Please work on your personal boundaries, your codependency, your lack of confidence and your low self-esteem while you heal from your addiction of having him in your life. When you have honed them, you will never let another man (or person for that matter) disrespect and devalue you in the way this chuckler has, ever again.

 

Google "The importance of Personal Boundaries" and read so that you can form boundaries that will save you from jerks like him.

 

Good luck.

 

Start here on your journey to a new and improved you. When you are happy and confident that you have good personal boundaries in place and you can easily maintain them, then you will be on your way to finding a good man that will value you.

 

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[ThatwasThen]

You have started a thread about the horrible time you're having with this BOY on several occasions now. What do you hope to accomplish by continuous venting while doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.. You enable him to treat you the way he does because he never has to face ANY consequences to his actions. Even in your other thread you sat there and waiting like a good little sub for a half an hour while he came onto another girl and totally disrespected you to your face.

 

What is going on with you, Lala that you keep on with this d-bag? Has your mother not councelled you about what a waste of your good dating years he is?

[Ms Darcy]

Continuous venting without an action plan for change is nothing but ... continuous venting.

[annie24]

wow, it doesn't sound like you are excited to start your life with him. you even sound happy that his job takes him away from you? maybe you should give the ring back and call things off? He didn't sound too jazzed about proposing to you either...

[Lala5001]

I appreciate your advice.

 

I know. This is my problem,something in me seems to be waiting for things to go back to how they were and i'm struggling to come to terms with the fact they most likely wont. It's like theres good days and bad days and thats what keeps me around. I need to come to terms with the fact it wont be the same.

[Lala5001]

My struggle is understand what the action plan is.

[mhowe]

I appreciate your advice.

 

I know. This is my problem,something in me seems to be waiting for things to go back to how they were and i'm struggling to come to terms with the fact they most likely wont. It's like theres good days and bad days and thats what keeps me around. I need to come to terms with the fact it wont be the same.

 

 

Not "most likely won't". Absolutely will not go back to way it was.

Will only continue to get worse.

[mhowe]

My struggle is understand what the action plan is.

 

You leave him.

[reinventmyself]

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read this. . it might help that and other articles about intermittent reinforcement and relationships.

 

Much like the lab animal who keeps pushing the button to get the treat to drop. 9 out of 10 times it doesn't, but the animal gets hooked on the payoff and tries harder and harder to get the treat. Once they get the treat, it's likely the best treat they ever had. . only to be deprived over and over again.

[ThatwasThen]

My struggle is understand what the action plan is.

 

What does this even mean? Why are you making this more complicated then it is. Its obvious that he is a horrible partner and that you would suffer every, single, day that you were married to him. You are with him yet you're lonely and depressed.

 

I think the only "action plan" you should be contemplating is getting yourself some professional help so that you learn how to be confident and start using personal boundaries that will make you strong enough to leave him and never want to look at his face ever again.

 

You are the action plan. Work on you and slowly do the fade on the D-bag. Talk to your parents and tell THEM everything you've told us. Ask them how they can help you get the help YOU need to leave this mess you're afraid to let go of.

[whateva]

And i can feel myself falling out of love with him because of who he has become

 

Good. Because you should.

 

Would you wish this sort of relationship on one of your friends? A relationship of this nature...for the rest of their life? How fulfilling would it be?

 

Well why would you do it to yourself darling? Is that the best you deserve as a person, potentially for the rest of your hours on this planet?

 

You deserve better, you know you do. Take some time out. Stay with a friend. Stay with family. Why? Not because you're not sure and it's a break, but because that distance will in just a few short days make you realise you can live without him.

 

If it takes you making yourself look glamorous and heading out into town, receiving a glance or two from men to realise there really can be something around the corner if you just let it, then do that. Get together with a trusted friend.

 

What did you get up to the last time you were single? What fun times did you experience? What freedom did it afford you? You could have that again on the way to finding someone nicer.

 

I know you've got to this stage where the proposal has been made, so yes there'll be a history of some good things in the run up (i hope), but if he can't make that proposal moment special...the one thing a woman really should cherish and remember, then how is he going to make the rest of your life special...or even try to?

 

The man may need a wake up call to realise what's going on, but will he really change...for good...to the partner you need, want and deserve?

 

I really feel for you, it's not nice to cling on to a past version of someone, or to come to realise someone isn't what you once thought. It's easy to stick to the now. But realising there's so much more out there to experience beyond what we may be stuck in is the key. Try to read some positive things about achieving new things in life...and things aimed at a single person too. You need positivity even in small doses. Do your best to find it and revel in it. Re find you and what makes you special. If something is dousing that vibrant flame down, then you know what you need to do.

[Cambridge34]

But like everything, there's 2 sides to every story guys.

Firstly, I've found people on here to be making ill informed decisions on other people's behalf and quite frankly causing absolute havoc amongst relationships. I chose this post in particular, whilst searching for advice, and reading some of these answers people are absolute voltures. Some almost sound like they're trying to get in there themselves. Bottom line is, I think people should stay out of each others business. Also I am aware of people which get 'kicks' from interfering due to a lack of certain things in their life. All I can say to LaLa is try and make things right with your man, he can't be that bad if you wanted to get engaged to him in the first place?

 

He might have been uncomfortable?

 

He might be a bit slow in the romance dept?

 

Most of all he still loves you otherwise why would he still be hanging around?

 

You won't find what you're looking for on this forum about romance because everybody's different.

I'm certainly not taking advice away with me today as all seems biased and to be entirely honest, a bit 'over supportive' for people you don't even know... But maybe I'll get burned at the stake for saying such things.

 

Overall, Good luck and I hope you two pull through, try your best and bring out the best in your man and the results will be amazing. Most importantly if you're to move on, forget the PAST.

 

Nothing like a bit of good old fashioned positivity...

[annie24]

The night was then followed by him shoving me in the breast which was agonizing and an 'accident' when i tried to reach my ring that he'd thrown into the back of the car.

This is a new low.

 

Positivity??? For a man who shoved her in the breast??? If he is like this during their engagement (when things should really be at their best) what will he be like at their worst??