Do i listen to my parents or follow my heart? What would you do?

[Charlie123]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly six months now. Everything was great and my parents told me he was a lovely guy and was their favourite out of all the guys I have dated in the past! He is funny, thoughtful, good with children and makes an effort with the whole family. He works exceptionally hard and has career plans and aspirations for the future. The first five months of the relationship were great, but I never felt like I had truly connected to the guy yet.

 

Over the last few weeks I have been away doing numerous things whilst he has been at home. I went to a festival for a week and then a girls holiday for a week after that. Both these things were booked before I had met my boyfriend. Whilst I was away at the festival and on holiday, my boyfriend began to send me messages checking up on what I was doing, how much I was drinking and who I was with. He began to get controlling and obsessive and I was upset that he couldn’t seem to trust me. I didn’t understand why he was behaving in such a way, and I got increasingly more frustrated and upset until we had an argument.

 

On the day I got home, he turned up to my house with a present and an apology, and asked to come inside so that he could explain things to me. He told me that he has a mental illness associated with abandonment. This means that his fear of rejection is much higher than most peoples, and he feels like rejection is his reality. This leads him to be angry, paranoid and feeds him negative thoughts. He can say horrible things when he is in this mind-set. The condition was brought on by his father, who he hadn’t met for the first 16 years of his life. When he did meet his father, the man chose alcohol over my boyfriend and he has never got over that.

 

My boyfriend has been doing everything he can to get better and manage his condition, because he does not want to lose me or be like this. He goes to regular counselling and sports therapy, he still keeps up his full time job and has joined numerous programmes to help him on days where he struggles. In my opinion, he is doing everything he can to get better, and its showing me what a strong individual he is. It is not his fault that he has this condition. He says he definitely feels that he is getting better and that we have come out of our rough patch. He hates himself for things he has said to me and is trying to make it right.

 

However, my parents (mum in particular) say that I should leave him. They say he probably wont be better for a long time and that I'm only clinging onto the good parts of the relationship. She is saying I could have whoever I want and I can find someone better for me. The thing is, I just want my boyfriend and for us to come through all this. Mum says she will be very sad if we break up, and she knows that its not my boyfriends fault that he has his condition, but that I am making a big mistake staying in this relationship. It makes me feel so upset because he had a fantastic relationship with my family before this - we went on holiday and everything. I also feel really upset because I feel like I cant talk to my mum about me and him because she disapproves and is disappointed that I want to stay with him.

 

I know my parents are trying to protect me because they want what is best for me and love me. I just love my boyfriend so much and I'm desperate to see whether there is a future for us, because I have never felt this way about anyone before. I can see he is trying and getting better, and I know I know my boyfriend better than my parents do. His mum can see a real improvement in him and the Dr says he has been through the worst and will have a fast recovery now. Its just my parents who seem to be lacking in faith because of the way my boyfriend treated me before. I do not want to leave him, but my parents approval means a lot to me as well. I just don't know what to do, this situation is just making me feel down. I keep thinking our relationship will be stronger for getting through this, but if my parents don't agree with it how can I be 100% happy?

 

What do I do? Do I stay with my guy and show my parents that I was right to do so, or do I listen to them and walk away?

 

Thank you so much to people who reply and sorry this was SO long!

[catfeeder]

BF says he doesn't want to behave like this, but that didn't stop him from bulldozing your vacation. This is a huge red flag. The guy is not relationship material at this time, and it would not be wise to put blinders on to that. You sound as though you're about to position yourself badly, and this puts you inpotential danger to get out of it--and that danger could extend to your family as well.

[zentoCC]

The way he treated you while you were on holiday doesn't sound like he's recovering fast.

Do you have to make a decision now? Maybe your Mum would support you if you took a step back in the relationship and see if he is making improvements before you decide.

[Clinton]

If you have to ask a bunch of strangers whether or not to stay with him I'd say your decision is already made. Leave him and do both of you a favor.

 

Mental illness is a legitimate disease just like ALS or Cancer. It's not something a person chooses. And treatment is often a very long, if not lifetime process.

 

You don't seem committed enough to deal with this. Not everyone is. Get out now before you hurt him anymore.

[SooSad33]

It's been 6 mos. And really, the choice is yours.

Yes, they have their thoughts/opinions about this but it's YOU who has to live with it.

IF you're wanting & willing to keep trying, then I suggest you do so.

 

See how he is in another 3-6 mos? See if you feel you're still compatible at that point.. or not.

Whatever YOU choose to do is all out of options, choices and learning experiences.

Some would bow out not wanting to put any more effort into something that they feel won't get any better. Some will find it may be worth it and keep going.

 

You could explain to mom that he IS someone important to you and you want to give him some more time & the benefit of the doubt here.

But it's up to you.

 

Think about it for a few days.

[bulletproof]

I don't think your boyfriend should be in a relationship with anyone (not just you) if he hasn't gained control of his emotional state yet. As it stands now you will be subjected to his tirades and have to excuse them because of his illness. That doesn't seem good for you or for him, either, in terms of his recovery.

 

I agree with your parents to let this one go.