Am I weird?

[bigtrain]

So basically, I dated someone extremely briefly (3 dates over the course of a month) when I was in a really bad place and looked extremely needy (I even sent a weird needy message like a week after he called it off). It's not my style, it's never happened before, my life was falling apart at the time and I was in extreme pain. I guess I misattributed the feeling of 'need' (which was real) to the date rather than to what was really happening in my life (where there was real need). I was mortified for about a month, but I've forgiven myself, these kinds of things happen when there's a huge amount of upset in our lives, we're all human.

 

What's bothering me is I still have a crush on him. It was only 3 dates and I guess I haven't met anyone I find physically attractive since then so maybe this is normal, but I keep finding myself thinking about him (it's like two months since it was called off and we met online so I haven't seen or spoken to him since then) and it's making me feel like a weirdo. I don't know whether or not this is normal because it's never happened before. Before you say 'move on'. Well...yeah, obviously. I've accepted I'll never see him again and that's fine, there's plenty of men, but I can't stop myself from thinking of kissing him or having sex with him again. It just keeps coming back into my mind.

 

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance here. Is this normal? Am I crazy? I'm guessing it will go away the moment I meet someone I'm attracted to, but I don't know how long that will be and in the meantime I just feel a bit weird about it all...

[kitkat620]

What probably happened is you met one of the many people from online dating that are looking for casual sex. And considering you admitted to having sex within a month/3 dates after meeting him, and him ending it soon after, I would have to assume that was his agenda.

Don't beat yourself up over it. It's over and done with but hopefully you have learned a lesson from it.

[ChellyV]

Put yourself out there again and this time, try not to be "needy", as you have said. This guy is in the past, which is ok. All of us have that choice, specially with online dating.

 

Let it be a lesson learned. If you still think about it, maybe it is because of the way you were and wished you were not. That maybe is what it is?

[bigtrain]

Haha...I was the one looking for casual sex...told you my life was falling apart at the time Seriously, it was a weird situation. I was looking for casual sex. He appeared not interested in doing so more than once. I accepted that. We met a second time two weeks later when he got back in touch. The second date it became clear he wanted to see only me while I continued to shag around. It also became clear that I really liked him, and he was talking about how much he liked me and showed discomfort around me seeing other people. I was uncomfortable with that so called it off with the other guys and told him so - he seemed good about it. Then the next day tried to organise our next date (we'd said when, not where) and was ignored for four days. I was uncomfortable (as you would be) because I assumed it was off, but being in a terrible place and knowing I was in a terrible place I didn't trust my emotions and went on the third date with the thought 'don't get attached' in my mind, which due to my emotional state just made me really defensive and then I worried about that. He replied to my texts over the next few days but I didn't feel reassured for some reason so about five days later I made a needy phone call (where do I stand...?) which he thought was a 'checking up on him' phone call, then when he realised what it was he went into a diatribe about him 'just not being that communicative' etc and was quite rude to me. Instead of just leaving with dignity I ended up shouting at him the next day then was so embarrassed about getting so emotional over only three dates I apologised etc. Then things in my life got even worse (a LOT had happened to me...I was off work for five weeks...) and I started feeling this 'need' to see him. I mean, a terrifying need. And ended up sending him an embarrassing 'look, this is what happened' message which was massively overanalysed. Then embarrassed about that, a week later, sent messages to the effect of 'yeah, that was weird, I want to leave this looking normal, I'm sorting my life out now' but I was still really emotional so it still looked really weird and serious considering I'd only met him three times.

 

It really did take me a month to get over the indignity. I'm not saying I want to be with him...I don't want to be with someone who is going to be rude to me for being needy. If someone gave me a 'where do I stand?' phone call for no apparent reason I might be put off a bit, but I would reassure them, not get frustrated with them. He was just really fit and really good in bed...and I keep reliving those bits...I'm actually worried that if he for some reason came back I would give him another chance.

 

Maybe it's just the other stuff in my life (fixing it, but it's not fixed yet...) still bothering me.

[bigtrain]

Put yourself out there again and this time, try not to be "needy", as you have said.

 

I've got other dates lined up, let's see if any of them fit the bill. As for the neediness, I think what I've learned is that if I feel that emotion again I should call it quits and not just 'try to cope with it/hide it'. If you feel needy it's because there's something wrong elsewhere in your life and it's better to get that sorted first - you don't lose anything by calling it quits, but you can lose your dignity by not calling it quits

 

This was actually the first time I've met anyone I actually fancied rather than 'just good enough to sleep with but nothing more' in years as well (I'm picky...) so maybe it's that.

[gdgfx]

Bigtrain, from the original post and all the replies after, just makes me think you know the answers to your own questions.

My advice is, if you are ACTUALLY looking for a long-term relationship then start at the very bottom. You went on 3 dates within a month, so if I'm right that's 3 days out 30 and within that time or around that time, you slept with him. Now this is only my opinion, but maybe the reason he isn't around anymore is you skipped right to a moment that is supposed to be special. Why don't you get to know a man, make sure he isn't after one thing by getting to know him and if anything, through the course of building the foundations to friendship and possibly more, keep him waiting. You'll find that the wrong ones will slowly disappear and their intentions will be made clear. Sleeping with someone after 3 dates isn't respecting yourself in my opinion. It's an easy way to allow someone to tell you what they want you to hear and then do what they want with you and walk away. And if a man doesn't and some won't walk away, then that's usually a rare event.

 

Also, you have to have your wits about you with online dating. ALOT of guys are after ONE THING. They might mask it over, put a nice bio, nice pictures and reword everything to make you believe they are for the long run, but really, it's just another less physically demanding way of getting women into bed. Also, when you are online dating; keep your deep-set ambitions and feelings well away from the beginning of any dating scenario. You don't know these men, they could be there one minute and gone the next, or they could have ulterior motives and with the majority of dating experiences I've heard and read about; it seems like online dating has become just another way of hooking up. If you don't want that to happen, then do what you feel is necessary for the man to prove to YOU that he is worth it. If that's spending an entire year just talking to you through smartphone instant messaging apps, sending each other pictures and just being there for each other then so be it. A man worthy of a worthy woman will do whatever it takes but if you are willing to cave in and let a man into your intimate and most sensual side, and go where only people who deserve to be so early on then you are just asking for trouble.

 

You'll find that, if we did a survey right now. The women and men that said they would have sex with someone within weeks of knowing them, will be the people that have the most unsuccessful relationships. Purely down the way they believe they should go about finding the ideal man. Believe me, the ideal man shouldn't want to jump your bones the first minute he's got to know your name. And even if he does want to do those things, he should know that by getting to know a woman and really getting skin deep without having sex is the best way to go about making a woman fall in love with him.

 

But then again that's just my opinion. I've only just done the same thing, slept with women and missed the most important aspect of building a relationship and never had a successful relationship until about 3 years ago when I met a woman who I'm still now going through the motions with, and we haven't slept together yet, and the feeling of self control and respect and natural high from having a woman there you know you love and care for, just cannot be beat. And I'm in no rush to have sex with her, even if it's another 3 years.

 

It's upto you what you do, at the end of the day it's your life and if things aren't working out then perhaps you need to take a look at yourself and see what you need to fix. And hopefully people like me and everyone else on here can help you

[reinventmyself]

I've done the same thing. At those times when you are in a bad place and meet someone you are attracted to. Albeit you know you don't know them and your common sense is telling you these things take time.

 

But the attraction and distraction are a loose fitting band aid for not dealing with what ever is really going on with you.

 

It's a great escape even if it's fleeting. When it's gone you go back to dealing with whatever it is that's crummy in your life and in turn you put more weight into the fleeting attraction and momentary escape than it deserves.

 

If you were in a better place you may be a way bit more disconcerting about your choices.

Recognize it for what it is and it's not about him

[bigtrain]

I've done the same thing. At those times when you are in a bad place and meet someone you are attracted to. Albeit you know you don't know them and your common sense is telling you these things take time.

 

But the attraction and distraction are a loose fitting band aid for not dealing with what ever is really going on with you.

 

It's a great escape even if it's fleeting. When it's gone you go back to dealing with whatever it is that's crummy in your life and in turn you put more weight into the fleeting attraction and momentary escape than it deserves.

 

If you were in a better place you may be a way bit more disconcerting about your choices.

Recognize it for what it is and it's not about him

 

Excellent answer, thank you And yes, I tortured myself for a while once the anxiety and feelings of need had gone by going over the situation in my mind and not understanding my choices at all, just thinking 'I don't understand why I didn't just do the OBVIOUS thing at this point, or at that point'. My behaviour is really difficult for me to understand when I look back at it and that makes it kind of worse because there's that feeling of shock at myself. But then, I just need to remind myself that I was extremely emotional at the time and that everybody makes mistakes when they're emotional.

 

Anyway, yes, I think if he's still popping up into my head then it's probably just my mind continuing to try to 'fill the gap' with something. I've made a lot of changes to feel more fulfilled elsewhere in my life so I don't need that distraction, but it's going to take a few months to go completely back to normal. I guess my mind has got used to filling the gap with him and it will continue to do so until I'm 100% better. That rationalises it for me

[bigtrain]

Thank you for your advice although I imagine it's different for everyone when it comes to sex. Before everything got bad this year I had a pattern of long-term relationships of 2-4 years that were pretty stable (I've never argued with a boyfriend, for example, and I'm still mates with most of them) and I slept with them all on the first date. I guess the way I see it is that I don't want to fight the urge for sex in order to get a man to chase me. If they were only in it for sex in the first place then I'll find out by getting laid anyway If they disappear I'll know they weren't the right man for me anyway (although no one has ever disappeared tbh. In this case, I was really weird before there was disappearing, and I offered him NSA sex and he didn't go for it!)

 

There's also the problem of getting to know someone then finding out you're sexually incompatible but by then you're already attached.

 

Personally, there's a lot of good reasons to have sex early for me. Not necessarily on the first date but definitely in the first 3.

[Batya33]

A man should not chase you (and vice versa), and you should not subject someone to all those text messages as you described - that is harassing and could also be interpreted as rude, of course. We all sacrifice certain needs for long term goals and delaying sex especially if you get emotionally attached might be a good idea so you can be your most stable self when getting to know someone. Being needy is fine -it happens -but what you described was, I think asking far too much of someone you barely knew)

I personally don't think you have to have intercourse to know if you're sexually compatible unless you have very particular requirements or fetishes when it comes to intercourse. But if you do then yes you have to accept the downsides.

[gdgfx]

I don't think personally, you should of even come seeking for advice because every person who has commented, you have contradicted. Believe me when I say this, you will go through life in and out of relationships because you don't focus on the things that are most important. Whether you choose to accept it not, focusing on getting to know someone and sacrificing sex will lead to a more successful relationship. And when you say sexual compatibility, the reason people are sexually incompatible is because they jump in at the deep end and have sex with someone they don't know! All these feeling and emotions and it's your mind saying "Hold on, who even is this person? Why am I feeling like this?" and if you don't get that feeling then well, you are way out of your depth in terms of emotional stability. Yes, as evolved primates we also have that inbuilt instinct and ambition to have sex with as many potential mates as possible but as we evolved, we developed rationality, actual self-awareness and ability to form an educated decision. Perhaps thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands... and thousands... and thousands (etc etc etc) we didn't have the ability to choose a mate based on his/her personality and only on which one could excrete the most pheromones and display the 'best' behavioural patterns worthy of mating with. But this is the 21st century! You are ALLOWED and WELL WITHIN YOUR RIGHT to make a man wait to have sex with you, it's almost an insult to our evolved species to be so neanderthal and simple minded about relationships when you see people having sex everywhere and these people don't know each other and the chances are how sad it maybe or not, these people aren't really that successful with relationships and you can't tell me different, I know women of mixed ages from 20+ to 40+ who follow the same protocol as you, have sex; see where it goes. One of them has two children because of it, single mother of course, both of the fathers are nowhere to be seen, won't pay child benefit because she attracted the wrong men, because.. of the way she made herself out to be, she gave off the wrong message. Had she gone looking in the right places, found a decent guy and put him through his paces, she'd probably be married now. But choices are choices, it's up to YOU what you do with your life but if you can't hold a relationship that lasts longer than a year or two, then you know where the problem lies.

 

The truth is, you are having sex with strangers. You don't know these men, they could be lying to you, could be someone completely different. Does that feel good? I'm in no way trying to preach to you, but I think you have your priorities warped. Sex is supposed to be special, and here you are, offering up as a means of another tick on the relationship box. Like your vagina is a bargaining chip. I think that's wrong and very disrespectful upon yourself. What's more important? Your mind, your soul, your personality, the person you are; spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally or... your vagina? Because to be honest, to me anyway, you are saying "Hey skip getting to know me, I don't ask people to earn my trust and respect and get to know me, just f*ck me and if you like me then you like me, if you don't then you don't. I'll just find someone else" and that is just wrong, but perhaps I have it wrong. People on here are trying to help you, and everyone has said... you should focus on getting to know someone and build the foundations to the future with this person instead of getting straight to sex. It just cries out, disrespect me, use me and leave me.

 

I'm trying to help, trying to make you sort of persona you give off just by the original thread you wrote and all your replies, it's almost like you are happy with what you are doing. What you are doing bigtrain with all respects to you, you aren't finding relationships, you are finding sex buddies. Don't delude the truth, you prefer sex over a relationship and to be honest, if that is the case then don't come seeking help when all your relationship prospects fail when you can't even see what you are doing that is wrong. Guys will see you as an easy target! It's no fun when you give the game away on the first date! Plenty of guys can just go around going from woman to woman, sleeping with them, filling their heads with a love story when in reality, they are just playing you at your own game. You don't mind sex on the first date, they surely don't and they are one upping you by being the one to walk away, in a way it should be teaching you to think "IM FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS! I DEMAND FAR MORE RESPECT. FROM TODAY MY SEXUAL ORGANS ARE FOR THAT SPECIAL PERSON AND NOT ANY MAN I DATE".

 

I think you need to have a think about what you really want, because you can't fool me and I'm pretty sure you can't fool anyone else either. It's clear, you want some form of relationship but you aren't trying to make it work, you don't seem to care that a relationship is built over time, effort, patience, trust, integrity, commitment, passion, sacrifice, honesty and so much more! You see yourself a woman that gives herself to any guy that 'fits the part' in your eyes, when looks shouldn't really count for much, neither should a digital bio and a bunch of pictures. What should count is deep down how that person makes you feel and no offence, anyone can get a woman to orgasm, any man can stimulate a woman, it's human nature. So what you are looking for you could find in a pub or club if you are looking for those one night stands and dreamy none-existent relationships that are formed over copious amounts of alcohol and disillusioned inhibitions. But you can't say you know someone well enough to even have a relationship, until, YOU, KNOW, THAT, PERSON and I'm talking months and months and months, even years. The couples that date for 3, 4 maybe even 5 years. Or have some form of relationship but never get married for say, 10-15 years. Don't you want to be one of those people and say, hey I've had a long lasting relationship, and all the drooling men with their penises in their grasp and foaming at the mouth at an opportunity for an easy f*ck were NOTHING compared to this.

 

Evolve your self belief and self worth and perhaps then, you'll find that worthwhile gentlemen will enter your life. But if you won't or you can't accept it then without adding insult to injury, you'll just go from relationship to relationship, you'll become weaker and weaker until you'll get fed up and think "Well I should of taken that advice way back then". If you want to give your body so easily, go join an adult dating site not a longterm relationship site because you are in the wrong place I believe.

 

Hope I helped.

[bigtrain]

A man should not chase you (and vice versa), and you should not subject someone to all those text messages as you described - that is harassing and could also be interpreted as rude, of course. We all sacrifice certain needs for long term goals and delaying sex especially if you get emotionally attached might be a good idea so you can be your most stable self when getting to know someone. Being needy is fine -it happens -but what you described was, I think asking far too much of someone you barely knew)

 

Oh I completely agree. The reason I said I'd forgiven myself is because I know I meant no harm and I didn't intend to do anything wrong. I'd just like to say as well that the messages I sent were sent on an online dating site where I felt they would be less intrusive and I knew he had the option to block me, I didn't go near my phone, because that seemed a step too far even then. I was in an extremely emotional period and I wasn't really in control of myself or my thoughts. Of course, now that I feel better I wouldn't do anything like that. There's no point beating myself up about it, really. It can only make me feel worse. But I do agree that I don't see it as a good thing at all. We all misattribute emotions sometimes, it's human nature. The only thing I can do now is identify what the issue was and make sure I make all the necessary changes to make me happier. I also think that if it had happened the other way round I would have recognised the person was in a bad place and been compassionate towards it, so I'm going to afford that compassion towards myself. We all make mistakes, we're all occasionally rude or inappropriate, we're all slaves to our emotions once or twice in our lives when other things go wrong. I know I'm a good person and would never cause harm to another person deliberately; and I also know that is extremely out of character for me to disrespect boundaries. But unfortunately, although I regret it, there's nothing I can do about it now except take all necessary steps to ensure it does not happen again.

 

I personally don't think you have to have intercourse to know if you're sexually compatible unless you have very particular requirements or fetishes when it comes to intercourse. But if you do then yes you have to accept the downsides.

 

I think I've ended up in long-term relationships with people where I ended up emotionally attached before having sex then never actually enjoyed the sex during the relationship and just hoped that if we kept working at it I would start enjoying it. I guess I'm scared of that happening again. To be honest, it's maybe just because it's not been an issue for me before to have sex with people early on. I don't massively see it as a big deal if you're in the right place to be able to cope with it, I'm usually pretty chilled out about this stuff. Although I'm happy to wait a few dates or so to get a better idea of who they are.

 

Also, the issue I originally asked the question about (am I weird because he keeps coming into my thoughts?) has been resolved now and thank you all for your advice. The more I fill my life with other things and the more I remind myself each time he pops into my mind that my mind is just looking to put a face on a feeling of deprivation in my life, the less he pops into my head at all. Once you've been able to identify the original issue it all makes sense and I realise there is no reason to worry.

[bigtrain]

Hi there

I'm sorry that you felt contradicted, I perhaps didn't put enough thought into my previous message. I'm not currently looking for either casual sex or a relationship. I think earlier this year I was looking for casual sex to have some fun but I have discovered that I do not find that fun, so I don't think I'll do it again.

 

I suppose our experiences have been slightly different, and what I wanted to say was that I've had some great relationships with men that lasted years and that I'm still friends with after having slept with them on the first or second date. I'm not sure that sex is the issue, is what I'm saying, I suppose, and I think perhaps I'm slightly suspicious that the idea of 'self worth' and sex is normally aimed at women but not men...perhaps I'm wrong about that as I've assumed you are a man. Self respect and self worth is about being able to listen to yourself and do what is best for you, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, to ensure you retain happiness. I agree that I have acted with little self worth earlier this year due to other things occurring in my life, but now that the issue has been identified I have taken steps to deal with it.

 

It's difficult for me to tell whether or not I get emotionally attached quickly, because I suppose I have with some men and not with others. There doesn't seem to be a consistent pattern.

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to give me your advice and I'm very sorry if you felt ignored.

[gdgfx]

Right, let's get this straight... you were dating someone. It was casual as you have said. You had sex with this man after knowing him only a few days (from what you said) and he walked away.

I'll leave that with you. I don't even have to point out what went wrong there because it's so obvious. So now you have feelings for this guy and they probably won't go anywhere or mean anything.

 

Can't you see what is happening? You are being used for sex. All this man wanted, was sex. If that gets you off then don't come seeking advice because honestly, someone who can't respect herself by giving herself to strangers needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and see what she's doing to herself before seeking advice. And you can't say you do because you let STRANGERS enter you Bigtrain, you don't even put up a challenge, you just knock down all the walls in a desperate bid to feel cared for and loved and get your kicks. And you tell me that's a respectful way to go about life? When there are probably women your age, I'm not sure old you are but I'm presuming you're no child; who are married and living happy? And here you are, opening your doors to anyone.

 

I mean no offense whatsoever but the problem is staring you right in the face! I don't know what you expect. You go looking for casual sex, the minute it becomes casual you generate feelings for someone, that person then backs off or just leaves anyway and where does that leave you? Nowhere but from everything you've said, you claim you don't care and your some person who can handle it all, when clearly you can't and the rejection you must feel has hit you hard or maybe these feelings of attraction are new to you and because you tell yourself to stoop so low in order to feel worthy, as soon as you are attracted to someone you get like this.

 

Either way, you don't have to prove anything to me. I've seen it all before first-hand. Everyone has their own ways about going about life but it's your problem and if you can't accept help then you sort out your own problems. I think you just need to be loved but because you are scared you'll get hurt, you put up this fake persona so you can close yourself off to feelings and emotions and shut down and just look for people that practically, don't give a flying f*ck about you (excuse my language, just being straight to the point). You have lowered yourself to this level, and now you are reaping the effects of it when in reality, I bet you are crying out to be cared for and for the right man to come around but you either genuinely don't know how to find a right man or you are to stubborn and arrogant to go about it doing it right.

 

Nothing of what you have said makes sense to me. You are fighting off help that YOU asked for. Every reply has been you trying to contradict or wrong the person who has gone out of their way to help you, everyone is wrong in your eyes and so if that's the case then just carry on doing what you do, and when you encounter problems; just remember that there is a right and wrong way to do things. And I've met no woman who's been stable in relationships who goes about meeting guys like you do, and that's not an opinion, that's a fact. If you want to be easy then fine. If you want to try and bat off reality by substituting your own then fine, but the truth is the truth. And if you could see what you are doing and the way you do things, you'd probably take the plunge and change... but that's probably never going to happen.

 

So I feel like me comprehensively trying to reply with in-depth messages is just a waste of time because well, let's face it, you know best but you are stuck in this predicament and you go dating guys and sleep with them on the first date so you carry on doing that, why have you come here when you already know everything?

 

I'm out. Take care. And sort yourself out because I mean no threat or offense, but the way you present yourself in the way you explain yourself and your situation, you seem to be in denial and you are acting this way in order to and cancel out things you don't want to accept. Believe me, no REAL GOOD guy is ever going to come from you letting him have sex with you on the first date, because if he's that willing to have sex with you then he's that willing to have sex with anyone else. It should be a journey, a fight to prove yourself that the ONE woman you love is the ONE woman you want and not anyone else. But for you, any guy who tells you he thinks you are pretty and wants a relationship; your already in bed with him in your head.

 

Hmmmm.... so transparent to me. Like I said, take care

[Ms Darcy]

Sounds like you are not making the connection. You got so stuck on him due to things going on in your life. You are still stuck on him.

 

The solution is not to.date and hope for some magical attraction to someone else. To find the right person you have to be the right person. Sit down with yourself and process the issues that made you so needy in the first place.

[bigtrain]

Sounds like you are not making the connection. You got so stuck on him due to things going on in your life. You are still stuck on him.

 

The solution is not to.date and hope for some magical attraction to someone else. To find the right person you have to be the right person. Sit down with yourself and process the issues that made you so needy in the first place.

 

Thank you, I agree wholeheartedly. It's weird. 90% of the time what you have said is exactly what I think, then now and then I get confused for a bit until lucidity kicks back in. Too much time to think, I reckon. And I think that when something else in my life hits me in the gut my mind goes back to this 'crush', which I really don't think is a crush. I think it's escapism.

 

The issues were my loneliness. I live on my own, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend because I didn't think I was in the right place but I convinced myself just sex would be fine, I'd been solely helping friends who had tried to commit suicide, addicted to drugs, or dealing with other mental health issues for the six months prior, I hate job and I've had to distance myself from my family this year (for good reason, I did think it through very carefully). I had nothing in my life at all. I guess I didn't realise how lonely and unhappy I was until my behaviour hit me in the face. I had started to notice physical signs of stress before this happened (pain, insomnia, loss of appetite) but like an idiot I told myself to stop complaining about my 'non-existent' issues and help those who were really in need. I recognise now that I absolutely have to look after myself and it is not my responsibility to save everyone else - they have other friends too and I can only do as much as I can do.

 

I've been in touch with my old therapist (I got in touch with her straight away actually) and I've made a plan. I've joined loads of clubs over the last month and meetup groups and I've started to hang out with the friends who are able to provide support to me and have a positive conversation and some fun with me rather than ignoring all my own issues to help other people. I'm still there to help my other friends but I've had to put some boundaries in place. I've also got a lead on a new job and I've signed up for speedflatmating evenings to meet people I would like to live with so I'm not alone all the time.

 

That's as much as I can think to do to 'fill the gap' at the moment. At some point in the future I hope to be back in contact with my family as well, but unfortunately I'm not in the right place to be able to deal with their issues at the moment (we've all had mental health issues, but I'm the only one who has 'recovered'). There have been a few moments in the past couple of weeks where not only have all the thoughts stopped but I have felt calm and happy and fulfilled. These have been when I've been able to make an emotional connection with someone else.

 

I guess the other element is just to have patience with myself. It's irritating when the thoughts come back because I start beating myself up again, and then I have to go through the same process of forgiveness, and gaining perspective and coming back to the real world. My life had hit rock bottom, though. There were some days about a month ago I planned my suicide and I've never been to that place before. I guess it's going to take a little longer for me to go back to being me again. And yeah...the dates are very 'prospective' at the moment (I've been holding them off while I have a think) and I think the right thing to do is explain I'm still not in the right place.

 

Thank you for your help and your compassion.

[bigtrain]

I bet you are crying out to be cared for and for the right man to come around

Well, I think you're right that I am crying out to be cared for. I guess my point of view is that I should be the person who can care for myself, I don't want to rely on a man. Not because I don't trust men, but because I would like to go out with someone because I want to not because I need to.

 

Every reply has been you trying to contradict or wrong the person who has gone out of their way to help you, everyone is wrong in your eyes and so if that's the case then just carry on doing what you do

I've agree with everyone else on this thread...it is only you and I who have differing opinions...

 

There is nothing wrong with being self-sufficient. We all need people, but we don't need boyfriends all the time. I would like to have a boyfriend when I am ready for one and when I am in the right place I will think about how I wish to go about that.

 

If I am 'crying out' for someone to care for me - and I do agree on that, to be honest - then the worst thing I could do was look for a boyfriend. That's a bad place to begin a relationship.

 

Anyway, see you.

[Ms Darcy]

Girl, you got it! You are ahead of 98 percent of the folks who post on here and I am confident that you will be alright very soon. Hugs to you. Stay reflective and self-caring. You are the engineer of your life and happiness.

[bigtrain]

Girl, you got it! You are ahead of 98 percent of the folks who post on here and I am confident that you will be alright very soon. Hugs to you. Stay reflective and self-caring. You are the engineer of your life and happiness.

 

Thanks I have compassion for the others here - and I have friends like that too - because it's really difficult to keep your head straight when you're really emotional. It's also difficult for others to understand who haven't been there before. During this experience, I kept going to friends and saying 'I feel incredibly anxious, something is wrong' and they kept saying 'you just really like him' and I guess I convinced myself of that, although I kept thinking 'but I really liked my last boyfriend and I didn't feel like this...' I guess it's easy to get confused between feelings of attraction and feelings of deprivation, because those two fit together like a jigsaw puzzle, but if I just write it down somewhere prominent that one means the other then I'll be able to keep taking myself back.

 

Annoying and difficult, but such is life It'll get better soon.

[gdgfx]

And there you are, you are already taking the steps to understanding your situation. I bet you are a really nice person but you want to be someone else in order to protect yourself and not let your guard down. The truth is, there are ALWAYS nasty people out there that will hurt you, use you, abuse you, lie to you, cheat on you, who are nasty, vindictive, paranoid, delusional, angry and controlling amongst other traits, but it's your job to say NO and if that means saying NO when you hear yourself saying enough is enough then that's the way you go about doing things. And just because you've been hurt or you have trouble with your feelings because of being hurt or scared of being hurt, does not mean you have to change your entire life to cater for how other people have treated you or because you feel like you deserve less or that it's easier to just do this instead of something more higher priority.

 

It's very clear to me that you want to be cared for, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this thread because clearly the thought of having feelings for someone beyond sex is different for you, but it's the most special feeling ever. I'm just telling you my opinion based on my experience. I could sit and talk about the issues I've been through in my life all night long, and all day tomorrow and a week next week but you'd be covering your ears in about an hour because there is so much of that that it can be too much for some people to take in, and believe me, I have experience in this very situation and it was me in this very situation, although different in respects to me being a guy and the other person/people being women but the moral of the story is the same; I've been there.

 

And to cut to the chase, I feel happier now as a person now that I've finally realised that nothing good comes from having sex without love and passion. It sounds old fashioned, it sounds like something from religious literature but in all fairness, it's true and sometimes I wish that I maybe went to church more because A) I wouldn't of been the person I became back then and B) I wouldn't of found myself in those situations. Now this isn't about religion but when people think no sex before love they instantly turn to religion in relation and that's why I mentioned it, and so, whether it's in a big book that everyone reads or not. It's true. I was going from girl to girl, sometimes with breaks in between and I was telling myself I was okay with it, and first the thrill of having sex with different women empowered me because in today's society, you are not a man in the eyes of many if you haven't slept with a certain amount of women. The whole 'virgin' peer pressure situation. I tell you what though, I wish I was still a virgin! Because all those women I slept with, and the numbers of women I slept with isn't high, like some sort of 'player' or something.. Where are they now? Just like that guy you slept with, where is he now? It wouldn't surprise me if he's in bed with another woman. Doesn't that make you wonder, what the hell am I doing? Because the next guy that comes around might do the exact same thing, and this vicious cycle could go on forever.

 

I want to help you because I've been in the same situation. You won't find love giving yourself intimately to someone else like you do. And you can't tell me that you don't want love because EVERYONE wants love.. Everyone needs love. And those that don't believe in it are either too hurt that they can't see sense and they've been through to hell and back or they haven't felt true love before, either or. So the reason this guy isn't around anymore is because of that, because he had sex with you and as far as he's concerned; job done, NEXT! Surely thats enough for you to say, you know what, I'm sick of just letting guys have their way with me when I deserve better and you know what? You'd be doing the greatest thing ever by just saying no and starting over again.

 

I haven't slept with a woman now for three years. Now to some, they see that as bonkers. But my girlfriend hasn't sleep with a guy for... like.. ever. NEVER EVER. And if people can't get their head around me not sleeping with anyone for 3 years then think about how messed up their heads must be when they get onto the fact that my girlfriend has never ever had sex. And being with this girl, inspired me to change. Made me see what I was doing and allowing myself to be treated as. And although we, me and you both and everyone else who has been there, can never take our virginity back. We can always restart our sexual lives again and wait for that one special person to come around. And believe me, if you've got a big personality, a big heart then all those feelings you felt for this guy? Will be real when the love of your life comes around.

 

All it takes... is TIME! What would you rather have.... A few years without sex but a man you know is going to be there for a very very long time if not forever (but never say forever because forever is FOREVER) or would you rather have man that don't love you, that don't need you or care for you but have sex?

 

I understand the whole, I'm not ready for a boyfriend thing. But going through all this is just going to add more bull to the mix, when you could just say goodbye to the whole casual sex idea and make yourself ready for a real relationship that takes time and effort and perhaps in a few months, even a year or two, you could look back and think, that was the best decision I ever made and be more happier, be more emotionally stable and more available for the right man. I know the temptation is great, but if you really really really want to be cared for and have a relationship that cancels all these half ass men that are there for a quick fling and be able to concentrate on a future with someone then change the way you see yourself, change the way you go about displaying yourself.

 

As for your loneliness, we've all been there, me included. So why do the casual hookup thing when that's just going to amplify your loneliness and crave better pastures? Focus on the bigger picture, don't go for the beaten up rust bucket, take your time and invest in the Ferarri. Plan for tomorrow and live for today.

 

If you want the real deal then work for it. Because believing that this is just like a temporary thing until the real thing comes along is like having sex with other people up until marriage. It's the completely wrong way to go about being prepared for what's ahead of you. I understand your logic, believe me, I do. But going about this way is only going to make you less prepared and less confused as to how to act when you are looking for/in a relationship. Spend your time now concentrating on yourself, use the whole rustbucket and Ferarri idea, right now you are going for the easy catch, the less expensive (time consuming) easier option thinking it's going to last and that it works but having a beat-up excuse of a car is even more unreliable than having an actual car in the first place because it's a piece of , it breaks down, it's relentless in it's attempts at not getting you to where you want to go. But if you spent some time on yourself, work on your inner beauty as well as your outer beauty and make yourself available and it does take time, it's not a quick-fix like hooking up is, then before long you'll attribute the qualities and stability to get in the Ferarri and do it in style, do it in comfort in knowing that you ARE getting to A to B in the best possible way, it might consume a lot of fuel (time) and be a little unpredictable at times but at least you are doing it the right way, because I mean, who doesn't like Ferarri's.

 

I hope you catch my drift here. Only thinking about your potential and your future because let's face it, people are here to help, right? And so am I.

[bigtrain]

As for your loneliness, we've all been there, me included. So why do the casual hookup thing when that's just going to amplify your loneliness and crave better pastures? Focus on the bigger picture, don't go for the beaten up rust bucket, take your time and invest in the Ferarri. Plan for tomorrow and live for today.

 

Thank you, I think we're pretty much on the same page because this is what I plan to do. I'm not usually a causal hookup person, I wanted to see if I'd enjoy it, I suppose, and I was in a really bad place at the time. As I said before, it's not really something I plan to do again.

 

As for making myself ready for a relationship, I guess I just wanted to add one distinction that is important to me...I'm going to make me happy for me, to be honest. If a relationship comes along, it comes along, but I've never been one of those people that puts it at the centre of my life, tbh. I'm sure it will happen one day, in that it happens to the vast majority of us, and I'm a likeable and attractive person so I see no reason why it wouldn't happen for me. But there is a lot more to life than love. It's not the be all and end all. I have a career and dreams, I have my friends, and myself to think about. I'm not considering this as me getting ready for a relationship. I'm just trying to be happier for myself so that I can find fulfilment in life regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship.

 

The way I see it, if it matters a lot to you whether or not you're single then there's something missing. A couple of months ago was the first time in my life where I felt that and it was very painful indeed, so I feel badly for those who do feel like it's extremely important. We all want love and care and we all hope to find someone we wish to share our lives with, but there are a lot of other things in the meantime.

 

I'm sure this is what you meant, but I guess I just wanted to make the distinction.

[gdgfx]

Just don't deny yourself something you deserve and that's respect. The whole casual sex thing is just a way of saying; I can't attach any feelings because I can't accept the truth. The truth might be that you get hurt, you learn from your experiences but that doesn't mean you have to shut the door on love. Love is really important, don't play it down. I'm sure because you haven't felt that feeling for such a long time or through your life experiences you believe it's not important; when it happens you'll be like... WOW!

 

And it's not about chasing that dream of a perfect relationship because, well, although finding someone you love and care for and someone that is unique to you is perfection in itself, no-one is perfect and you'll never find a perfect person or a perfect relationship so agreed, being realistic and focusing on other aspects in life are just as important but don't under estimate the power of love. And I don't mean seeing a guy in a bar and thinking he's hot, or being seduced by a romantic man on the bus or train. I mean when you go through the motions with someone, where there is NO-ONE else that matters, and NOT ANY OTHER THING that is emotionally comparable to the way they make you feel, after years of knowing each other, and years of building this bond with this person and through all the ups and downs and identifying the flaws in your partner but still being able to see through them. The feelings you get, are unbelievable.

 

So, wait for the right time, wait for the right guy! And don't try and delude yourself with things that make it seem that love isn't that important because nothing compares to it. And when you find that guy, you'll know and he'll make you ask yourself why you did what you did and why you haven't felt like this before. And the more time you spend looking after yourself, learning to respect yourself and accept your problems and your insecurities and issues in life and the more you improve on the quality of your lifestyle and who's involved in your life and who isn't; the stronger you'll grow as a person and your personality will grow too and you'll inherit qualities that the right man will find in you. But I agree, independence is VERY important, and finding love is A LOT more harder than just going out on casual dates expecting nothing but maybe a few drinks and sex.

 

But it's worth working up towards, and worth getting through all the rubble to get to the gems. And if that means you encounter wrong guys, bad guys, desperate guys, manipulative guys, liars, cheats then so be it but at least you can say that none of them got to go where the person you are waiting for, can go. It's all a learning curve, learning what's right for you, and listening to your mind and body.

 

Don't give in and don't deal yourself a hand, because the minute you do is the minute you lower yourself to other people's levels. And I'm not saying casual sex is, a bad idea per se. It's just the guys that chase the same thing are usually the bad guys who only want one thing and end up hurting women because they fill their heads with so much . I've heard loads of stories where a woman meets a man, it's casual but it ends up being an absolutely dreadful experience because the man doesn't care about the woman, strings her along with this story of possible future happiness, lowers her guard. And let's face it, most men today boast about the women they meet online. I know, because... I'm a man and although I don't do the whole casual dating thing, I have friends that do. And you should hear some of the stories they come out with, I know its ONE way of detaching yourself from feelings and emotions and attachment but, just because it is, doesn't mean you have to be treated like a sex object, like you're an inferior being with only a vagina that is of any use.

 

You have to put yourself above it. And if that means preserving yourself in order to better yourself and in order to maintain a responsible, natural and more stable life then that's what is best.

I went from girl to girl and eventually it just brought me down, I felt used, powerless and disgusting. I was getting sex but where was the respect, or actual GENUINE relationship? There wasn't any. And it just made me realise I'am a person with a personality and although sex is enjoyable; is it really worth me throwing myself about like a piece of meat in order to feel a really small amount of affection and belonging?

 

Do it for yourself! But don't come self-absorbed because that is not attractive! By all means, look after yourself, DEMAND respect, make others see you are worth their time and effort and respect but don't become self-absorbed, in your own little bubble where you are more important than anyone and/or anything else because it sounds to me like you do place yourself above others and part of accepting yourself and being ready for others to enter your life is learning you are equal to anyone else, we are all going in the same direction, from birth to death, from childhood to old age, we might have different lives, have more or less money, drive fancy cars or ride bicycles, own fancy houses or rent. All that doesn't matter, it matters that you see yourself as equal to everyone else and only then, will you reap the rewards of being yourself.

[Sportster2005]

I don't believe in normal or weird. What's weird to me may be perfectly acceptable to someone else. What I find normal may be batchit crazy to others.

 

You are what you are and what others think of you shouldn't matter.

 

I dated someone twice in May. I've known her longer than that. She wowed me. I still think of her. I try to date and move on. And I don't obsess or worry about it. But she set the bar high, and I find it hard to get interested in other woman. I used to believe there's always another adventure around the corner. But what ever it was she had I doubt I'll find again. Does this make me weird? I don't care.

[bigtrain]

I don't believe in normal or weird. What's weird to me may be perfectly acceptable to someone else. What I find normal may be batchit crazy to others.

 

You are what you are and what others think of you shouldn't matter.

 

I dated someone twice in May. I've known her longer than that. She wowed me. I still think of her. I try to date and move on. And I don't obsess or worry about it. But she set the bar high, and I find it hard to get interested in other woman. I used to believe there's always another adventure around the corner. But what ever it was she had I doubt I'll find again. Does this make me weird? I don't care.

 

Thanks...I'd agree that sometimes you meet someone that sticks in your mind. I've met people platonically that were temporarily in my life (moved away) that I will never forget. But this is a preoccupation. He is in my thoughts 24/7 - not directly, indirectly. I'm not thinking about him, he's just sitting at the back in each of my daydreams, watching.

 

This worries me no end, to be honest, as I think it reveals the amount of work I have to do to become happy. I realised today that the uncomfortable feeling would probably go if I knew he didn't think I was crazy or weird. All of my daydreams are about proving through my behaviour that I'm not crazy or weird. Even gaining insight into my problem and taking steps to improve it, and doing a lot of research into attachment and codependence etc (as it turns out, my history suggests I'm not THAT insecurely-attached, as I've had plenty of relationships in which I have not shown any such behaviour or felt any anxiety at all, and I have never felt jealous or been manipulative etc., and all of my relationships have been long-term and stable...), I'm doing it 'to prove to him I'm not crazy' (in my head, obviously I will never speak to him again in real life). I think what this REALLY means is that I'm doing it to prove to myself I'm not crazy.

 

I'm concerned about my lack of self esteem here, although self esteem is easy to fix. For some reason, it really bothers me that there's one person in the world who thinks I'm mad and his behaviour and things he said suggests he had a 'properly insane' ex (the type to get jealous and check up on where you are etc) who I feel I will now have been lumped in with despite never having behaved in that way in a relationship before (I was in an abusive relationship when I was a teenager so it really hurts to think that I could be compared to someone like that). The fact any of that bothers me is a problem. I really, really should not give a what he thinks. He's a stranger who I will never see again - it does not matter what he thinks. I think perhaps the reason I care is because at some level that I am denying for my own sense of dignity I still feel a yearning to see him again. I'm probably over thinking it but I am seriously worried that I won't be able to fix whatever problem it is I have. I've never been a happy person - I've always really struggled to find happiness and I've had more nervous breakdowns than I can count (I'm 28...), but I've never been actually 'weird' and I've always had optimism over my mental health and believed absolutely I will recover and that as the extremely capable person I am I can learn anything I need to change. That's always been my view, but this is really damaging my confidence. I think this particular thing - having a yearning for a stranger - might be the creepiest and most frightening thing that has ever happened to me.

 

I'm not working at the moment, I'm off sick. I just keep crying. I've worked so hard on my mental health - so hard - and I had come so far. For this to happen to me now - to have something so creepy and weird in my mind - is absolutely gutting, I really can't tell you.

 

At least I'm not delusional and I recognise it for what it is: a problem with my own sense of self (I assume I feel 'completed' by the idea of another person, suggesting that I need to work on my sense of boundaries and strengthen my sense of self). I know it isn't about him and I've known that for months (which is why I'm confident I would never do anything insane like trying to contact him or anything). But this is crazy-making, it really is. I just can't wait to get better - I really hope I do get better! At least I now have a barometer in my mind to know when I'm doing well - when the yearning disappears, and I stop caring what he thinks of me, that means I'm ok.

 

Sorry for the rant, life falling apart.

 

EDIT: God, after saying all that, is it a yearning? When I'm thinking about the situation what I'm really doing is berating myself for not being assertive and listening to my own needs (which is exactly what you should do if you want to change any kind of codependence btw) and said 'no' a bit more, because I'm totally okay with never seeing him again (was totally ok with that initially) so long as my dignity is intact. It's the loss of dignity that seems to have hit me really hard. I REALLY need to work on my self esteem, this is shocking! I always thought I had high self esteem!