Is This Situation Hopeless?

[AngryRedTurtle]

So, I've posted a lot as of late, and none of that really matters I guess. My boyfriend left me at 7 months pregnant because we argued too much. And for two weeks, I begged and pleaded for him to stay and it did nothing.

So eventually, I gave up and went NC for 2.5 weeks. I had to break it to talk about child support. So it's been LC for a few days. But then today, we had another conversation about child support, and he revealed that he "gets" why we broke up (he dumped me!) because he has problems. He basically thinks he can't make me happy. I told him that I didn't want the break up and that it had nothing to do with his "problems". I'm going NC again until I have to speak to him again about the baby.

Anyway, has there ever been a situation where the guy dumped a girl because he didn't think he could make her happy anymore, but then he came back later?

We talked about me being married to someone else (had to do with child support) and at first he was calm about it. Then he ended the conversation and said he'll talk to me later. He seemed upset about that thought.

I'm just rambling now. Is there any hope? It was a 2 year relationship with almost no problems. Just high emotions and stress near the end. It's been about a month since the break up

[mhowe]

A child on the way is a bit more than "stress at the end". I don't think he is ready for fatherhood and all it entails.

[AngryRedTurtle]

He's still going to be there for the baby, and he's been paying too. He wants to be involved in her life still. So it's not a problem with fatherhood. He just thinks he has too many problems to be with me.

[gdgfx]

Hi AngryRedTurtle, I believe I replied to another thread of yours and it was similar to this.

And to answer your question, YES. It's very possible that due to his emotional/mental problems, he feels like he isn't worth it anymore. It can happen, it's the symptoms of depression and maybe a lot more. Feeling of worthlessness, feeling of nothingness, loss of hope, loss of perseverance. The general "I have given up" attitude. So maybe he did leave you because he felt like it was straining him too much to be there for you when he might just need to be there for himself for a while.

 

As long as he's going to be there for the newborn, that's all you have to worry about. And maybe if he sorts his head out, he might come around again. The thought of having a child to him must be daunting, all that pressure of being a father, as well as a loving supportive boyfriend. It's hard for guys as much as girls. I've literally seen my friend burst into tears for NO reason, and we'd talk and it would slowly unravel that he cries because of all the pressure of being a father and having emotional difficulties as well. We get the 'you have to be strong for your kids' motto, but how about 'you have to be strong for yourself', that's something we sometimes forget about, is yourself.

 

The best bet is to break contact but tell each other how you feel, if not make a promise that in the future, if things are different, you could both try again. Just be honest, get everything out in the open and leave those words time to sink in. It's taken me 5 months to slowly get over the fact that I'm not going to see my partner for another 6 more months, even longer. But the thing that is keeping me going is knowing that she's going to be there for me at the end of the road and if you can sort out each other's problems or at least, understand them or even just allow each other the time and space to think things through and become emotionally ready again, then there's every chance you could be waiting for each other at the end of the road.

 

Does that sound good to you?

[DancingFool]

You were together for 2 years and that was fine.

He really is just giving you the it's not you it's me line. He may be willing to be there for his child, but perhaps he just doesn't see a future for the two of you. You also mention a lot of arguing prior to the break up. That might be a part of that as well. Whatever the cause of the arguments, it's possible that he got fed up and decided it's not going to work out in the long run. Does that mean that he is dead set and won't change his mind again? Only he knows. I'd say that you need to focus on the coming baby. Take care of yourself. Take care of your emotions. Be nice to him and who knows.... Like it or not, the two of you are stuck together for many years one way or another.

[mhowe]

He's still going to be there for the baby, and he's been paying too. He wants to be involved in her life still. So it's not a problem with fatherhood. He just thinks he has too many problems to be with me.

 

He is going to be there for the child --- however, that doesn't mean he was ready to have a child. And that is a lot of stress. A lot.

[Liraele]

Why did you being married to someone else even come up?

 

It's not even on the books right now, potential future "what if's" aren't really worth discussing at the moment and aren't going to help your situation at all.

 

If he feels that he has too many problems to be with you, then respect that. Give him a chance to work on himself. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. Hopefully he will be there for your child, and will take to fatherhood. I agree with mhowe... he probably wasn't quite ready for fatherhood; it's a huge stressor to add to someone who is already stressed/struggling with themselves.

[lavenderdove]

So let's see, are you saying that you were with him and having his baby while you were still married to someone else in order to get more money from that other person for a prior child? That's really kind of mercenary and might really turn him off. Most people don't like being with someone who is still married, for whatever reason and even if you are not actively living with your husband. You showed him you are more committed to milking your ex-husband for money than you are to building a permanently and committed relationship with him. That will make him not trust you or trust that you are really invested enough in him to finalize a divorce with an ex.

 

And if you were arguing all the time, lots of people who hate to argue won't stick around forever and will come to the same conclusion, that no matter what they do you still argue and hence he can't make you happy.

 

So I think if you want to salvage this, you need to do two things: Talk to him and tell him you are making a commitment to totally stopping the arguing with him. If you have issues come up during the week, you will have a half hour period once a week where you discuss your differences and come up with concrete plans for resolving them rather than arguments. ZERO tolerance policy towards arguments. You won't have them, and if either of you feel you are starting to get angry, you have a time out and don't talk about what made you angry until your set aside period once a week, where you commit to have a calm discussion rather than an argument.

 

Next, you need to finalize your divorce, and pronto. You are having his baby while still married to someone else, and staying married for the sake of more money. Staying married does two things: it means you still legally married to someone else and not truly available to him as a partner. And it shows that you will use your ex-husband for money rather than cutting yourself free and living within the resources the you and you BF can earn together as a true couple rather than you staying married in order to squeeze off more of your ex-husband's money. Time to learn to live within your own means rather than your ex's means.

 

If you can offer him those two things, perhaps he will consider getting back together. But if you insist on staying married to an ex in order to bleed him of more money, and you fight constantly with your current BF, that frankly makes you someone that most people won't want to stay with because they don't trust you and feel you are selfish and might try to bleed them dry emotionally and financially as well if they stay with you.

 

So he may be in the mode where he feels he needs to cut his losses because you are still married to someone else AND you are argumentative with him all the time. So you need to talk to him about remedying both those conditions and see if he is still willing to try. He may or may not be depending on his opinion of you and whether you can turn this around and live within your own means rather than milking the ex husband by staying married to him.

[AngryRedTurtle]

Oh, he definitely wasn't ready for a child. But neither was I. Neither are most people who have babies. But I figured we'd both grow up, but it turned out to only be me who had to. He thinks being a good father is about writing a check every month and making occasional visits.

 

And we talked about me being married to somebody else because I was telling him that I probably wouldn't continue to need him to support me with the baby in the future, and he said something around "Well, once you're married I'll stop with the payments." And I made a joke about making my husband pay for diapers. And he reacted coldly and seriously. I'm not actually married to somebody

 

But I don't think he wants to make the effort to change himself to be a better guy. He wasn't making me happy, because he wasn't making any time for me anymore. And I guess that's something he felt he couldn't change, so he fled.

 

He was a pretty terrible boyfriend for the whole 2 years and he didn't dump me before because of it. It was his first relationship so he didn't really understand how to treat a woman well. He was very possessive and manipulative, too. I don't have any friends now because of him. And that's one of the only reasons that I'm sad about him leaving.. I'm lonely. And he kept me company. I really did give him all of me. And even though he would be really controlling, I wanted to be with him because he made me feel secure and loved. Sorry, I'm just ranting now. I really don't care about him anymore. I did. But... He really treated me like I was nothing to him for the past couple of months. Didn't acknowledge his baby either. I would beg him for emotional support, and he just... Didn't care.

[Liraele]

Child support and responsibility for a child doesn't stop once one parent marries someone else.

[AngryRedTurtle]

Yeah... I don't think I'm going to let him off the hook, now that I'm thinking about it. He expects that my future partner would pay for the kid. So he won't have to.