My GF interferes in how i should be with my friends

[asher1314]

I feel every one has an unique equation with people which makes it work between them. If i am talking to a good friend of mine in a certain way, it is possible that it might look weird to others but as long as my friends and I are good with it, I think it should not be anybody's business including my girlfriend. It comes under my personal space. My SO interrupted me in one of the discussions with my friend and told me not to talk to my friend like that right in front of all of us. I thought that was unnecessary and told her that this is my relationship with my friends and though she can express her feelings later on, ultimately its my decision to be how i want to be with my friends.

tl;dr: My GF interrupts me when i am talking to my friends when she does not like the way I am with them. I feel she could maybe express her opinion later on in private but should not force me to be a certain way with MY friends. I Am i thinking this wrong?

[greta96]

It depends on what you're saying and how you're saying it.

If it's a female friend and you talk to her in ways that can be viewed as flirtatious, then your girlfriend has a point. She should however take you aside and let you know how she feels about it, rather than do it in public for everyone to hear.

[lukeb]

It depends on what you're saying and how you're saying it.

 

I agree it depends, it depends on how you are treating, or how you view your gf when you are in front of your friends, how your friends treat or view your gf, or how you behave with your friends when your gf is not around. Your friends need to respect the relationship and what you have with her, consequently you need to respect each others space and allow each other to grow as individuals as well. It is basically a balancing act, not either 100% one way or another.

[itsallgrand]

What are her objections exactly?

[ThatwasThen]

I'd like to know what your friends think when she, I'm assuming, is sticking up for them due to some verbal mistreatment from you.

 

You're not giving very much information so it's almost impossible to even answer if (we?) I think you're "wrong."

[asher1314]

The conversation between my friend and I does not have any jealousy related, racist, or abusive context and it does not involve her either, directly or indirectly. It is a conversation between me and my friend, who is neither someone who cannot speak for himself/herself nor who is directly/indirectly asking for any help.

 

My friends keep quiet and do not say anything when it happens. My relation with my friends is very outspoken kind and I can assure you that if they have a problem with me, they will say it to me. They are not shy or introverts, and very outspoken. They are not hoping someone will standup against me or anything of that sorts.

 

My GF feels that she does not like the way I am talking to my friends but I am much more outspoken with my friends and have always been like this with them and vice versa. Me and my GF are from different country and that adds to it as well.

But regardless I feel as long as it does not involve her, or my friends have asked her to talk to me and is not abusive or close to anything extreme where I seem to have lost my mind completely, she should be talking to me in person with any concerns and eventually should be upto me to see if i want to do anything with my relationship with my friend.

[SpottiOtti]

Have you asked your girlfriend to explain to you what it is about the conversation that makes her uncomfortable, and tried to see her point of view? I can almost guarantee you this isn't really about her sticking up for your friends. This is about her and her feelings.

[lukeb]

Generally speaking it is true, you would "handle" your friends, she would "handle" her friends and this includes family as well. You're being so vague so it is really impossible to tell who is in the right here. These kind of boundaries depend on so many things. Lets say this conversation happens in your home she would have a much greater freedom to speak up and possibly embarrass you than if you were visiting your friend in their home. Then if your gf would see/hear things that bothered her it would be better if she said something when it is just the two of you, because you are in someone else's space. Your gf should always be able to speak her mind in the general sense but in more specific incidences it depends on judgement. Boundary issues depend on judgment calls, there is no real right or wrong, just for the two of you to get to a point you can agree on.

[itsallgrand]

^That was what I was thinking.

 

A conversation between the two of you where you discuss this without bringing it into a "you are wrong, I'm right" mode, but just talking about what is at the core of it, would probably help a lot.

 

See what is driving the behavior. It may or may not be something you are willing to adjust, it may be something more basic, or it may be something as simple as differing takes on etiquette, but it would help to find out what exactly you are dealing with here.

[ThatwasThen]

Okay...now we have your side and your opinion... what does she think about this?

[asher1314]

Okay...now we have your side and your opinion... what does she think about this?[/

 

She does not like the way I talk to my friends and finds it disrespectful. Also she feels that she should be able to tell me whenever she feels I am not being nice. For e.g. the incident which brought the disagreement between us was that I was trying to motivate my friend to speak up in her work environment since she was unhappy with her boss. While I was doing that, she interrupted me saying "why am

i talking to her like that?" when neither my friend nor anyone else felt that way. Atleast it did seem that way and my GF agrees. She just did not like the way I was talking to my friend and found it aggressive. Well some people just need a hint while some people need more of a push and my friend generally needs more of a push to speak up.

 

And i tried explaining to her in following words which are also mentioned in the original post.

 

I feel every one has an unique equation with people which makes it work between them. If i am talking to a good friend of mine in a certain way, it is possible that it might look weird to others but as long as my friends and I are good with it, I think it should not be anybody's business including my girlfriend. She could always tell me in private later on but not in front of people like that.

[catfeeder]

I agree with you. She had the option to pull you aside rather than humiliate you. Her behavior was as obnoxious as anything you could have been saying.

[Capricorn3]

She does not like the way I talk to my friends and finds it disrespectful. She just did not like the way I was talking to my friend and found it aggressive.

There's your answer. Clearly she finds your manner/behaviour when talking to your friends disrespectful and she's pointing it out to you. Maybe she's right? It never does any harm to look within.

[lukeb]

She just did not like the way I was talking to my friend and found it aggressive.

 

It does help to know what her motivation was behind her "interference" I don't find the humiliation that great frankly with taking into account the context in which it happened. It would be perfectly fine for you to talk about this though if you feel your gf overstepped her boundaries with your friends. Really the only "humiliation" was that your friend(s) got to see that your gf was bothered by the way you were talking to them. If you were as good as friends as you claim you were, the embarrassment shouldn't have been that great. It was an honest reaction, and your good friends got to see a dynamic about you and your gf, it is not the worst thing in the world.

[Iggles]

It does help to know what her motivation was behind her "interference" I don't find the humiliation that great frankly with taking into account the context in which it happened. It would be perfectly fine for you to talk about this though if you feel your gf overstepped her boundaries with your friends. Really the only "humiliation" was that your friend(s) got to see that your gf was bothered by the way you were talking to them. If you were as good as friends as you claim you were, the embarrassment shouldn't have been that great. It was an honest reaction, and your good friends got to see a dynamic about you and your gf, it is not the worst thing in the world.

 

I agree with this.

 

And honestly, I'm not sure if language is a barrier here but from how you described the situation wasn't communicated we'll. It was vague and even with more details given later in the thread, there appears to be a disconnect between how you think you come off and how you actually come off to other people.

 

My initial thoughts were you telling your story in a certain way to stack the responses in your favor (i.e., focusing on your GF interrupting you in front of your friends without providing adequate context on what preceded her doing so). Based on that and that your friends didn't come to your defense (negating you being aggressive) it's likely your girlfriend has a point. You should pull on of your good friends aside and ask for their honest assessment.