Ex girl is six months pregnant!

[EnolWolf]

My ex's brother told me that they recently found out that she is six month pregnant. Is it mine? Who knows?

 

All I know is that when I found out, it didn't really shock me. Why? Well, because she put me through so much pain and heartbreak. I cut her off from my life and never planned on speaking to her again.

 

I'm not the type of guy to runaway. If it's mine I'll do what I can, but I'm not going to be fully obligated. I strongly feel that it won't be my responsibility. Reasons:

 

A) She is on my least favorite persons list

 

B) I tried to talk her into taking an emergency contraceptive because I felt that something went wrong, but all she said was don't worry about it and didn't really take it seriously

 

C) I already explained to her that if something like this were to happen, I won't be around ( I haven't seen her in 4 months and, a child won't change anything)

 

D) She was the one who denied the contraceptive

 

E) I'm currently in the best relationship I've ever had and nothing will come between it

 

F) I am only willing to fully father the child of a mother that I truly love

 

To be honest, meeting her was the biggest mistake in my life. I gave her so many chances to make things work, but all she did was keep cheating with other guys. She broke my heart 5 times. She made me look like a fool. I'm not "ditching" her as an act of vengence. I've already made up my mind to never see her again.

 

If it does turn out to be mine, I'll be there when I can. I feel that its not my responsibility and because of that I don't need to be there on a full time basis. The rest of my life is planned and I'm sticking to it.

 

Once again, I would like to say that I'm not one to "ditch" someone because of pregnancy. If I still loved her I would deal with it, but that's not the case.

 

Any thoughts/ opinions about my situation?

[avman]

Well it really doesn't matter what you think of the mother. If this is your child, then you are obligated to be a decent father to them. You had sex with her. So you assume the risk as much as she does. It took the two of you to create the baby. So you are both 100% responsible for its care and well being.

 

It's not the child's fault for what happened. Would you penalize this child's entire life simply because you and their mother are not together anymore?

 

I think you need to take another look at your reasons. None of them apply either in a legal or a moral sense. Be a stand up guy and take responsibility for being a father. This child is a part of you (assuming its yours). They will NEED a male role model in their life. Disowning them because you don't like the mother would be cruel and hurt the child for the rest of their life.

[RayKay]

I agree with avman...it does not matter what you think of her mother, if this is your child you have a legal and moral obligation to be a father. That is a risk with sex...no matter what protection you use and why I wish those who are having sex would realize that there may be consequences no matter how much they double up on protection (or they don't). If you had life plans...sometimes they need to be altered slightly or delayed a bit - life has no guarantees.

 

It is not just "her" baby, it might be yours too. Be a man and be responsible for your actions.

 

But find out if it is yours first.

[annie24]

Yes, I strongly agree with Avman. I see how you're not happy with this situation, and that's understandable, but you did sleep with her, and now you're the father of the unborn baby, like it or not. You're responsible. Now, I guess no one can force you to be a good father, but you are legally bound to pay child support.

 

Just because you don't like your ex anymore doesn't mean that you can't play a role in your child's life. The baby is the inoccent in this situation. You can step up and be a good and loving role model, or you can mess this kid up because the kid will always be angry that his father didn't love him.

[ShySoul]

The child didn't cause the problems between you and her. It shouldn't have to suffer becuase the two of you made some bad choices. Be a man and take responsibility for your actions. The child deserves to have a mother and a father. Remember, you can still be a father and help out without having to get back together with the mom. All you need to do is learn to be civil around each other and work things out for the benefit of the child.

 

Think about how you will feel down the road, in a few years. You will be regreting not seeing your child grow up. The child will be regretting the fact that his or her father doesn't care enough to be around them. Save yourself the future regret and sorrow. Be there for the child now.

[EnolWolf]

I don't plan to disown this child (if its mine).

 

If the child is mine, I don't plan to neglect it. (I tried to state that in the previous post.) Of course I would be there. As you said. It would be a part of me.

 

I'm not that cruel.

 

I'll do what I can for my child's sake and not my ex's. By being there when I can. My father always negelected me and a vowed never to end up like him. (having a child I barely know.)

 

I feel that I don't have to make so much effort.

 

Are there any legal reasons you can explain in response to my previous post?

 

Thanks for posting

[EnolWolf]

I don't know if it's mine and I had already made plans to see the birth.

 

Of course I would want to see my child grow.

 

She has't told me herself yet. I'm just going to wait until she tells me. I'm not even supposed to know right now.

 

I do understand the consequences and I knew them when I slept with her.

 

For some reason everyone seems misguided. I'm not going to just leave and never come back. I'm pretty sure my feelings will change once it's born. I'll pay child support and do whatever I can, but I know that I'll always be more focused on my current relationship and my goals.

[OceanEyes]

Well, perhaps it would be better to actually know for sure whether or not the baby is yours through a test. Like you said, she's on your "least favourite" list, so you never know if the baby is yours or not. Best not to plan for the worst until you need to.

[Hope75]

Definitely find out if the baby is yours before assuming any responsibility.

 

Your statement about not "fully" fathering a child with a woman you don't love seems very selfish and childish. This isn't about you. It's about an innocent child who did not ask for parents who because they may not get along, won't be as involved in his or her life as they should be.

 

You "loved" her enough to lay down and have sex, and did you use a condom? You already know that you are both 100% responsible. Safe sex is a choice and action between 2 people. If you wanted to be safe and she didn't, you could not have laid down with her and had sex.

 

You told her that if 'something happened (i;e. pregnancy) you wouldn't stick around'? IF you felt that way, why did you have sex with her to begin with? When you DID have sex with her, whether you like it or not, you assumed responsibility for the possible consequences. No court is going to say, "oh, well he told her he wouldn't stick around if she got pregnant, so he's off the hook." If you are the father, you will be legally obligated to pay child support, and hopefully will want to be involved in the baby's life. That's YOUR right as a parent.

 

Being an active parent will change your life, don't kid yourself about that. No one can force you to be in the child's life as much as a good father should be, but based on what you've said about your own father and how that affected you, I should hope that you'd want to be. You contradict yourself when you say that your dad wasn't there for you and you swore you would be different, and then you told your ex gf that if something happened you wouldn't stick around. (for the child, not her????)

 

You talk about having your life planned and being focused on your new relationship & goals, well I suggest if you find out that the baby is yours that you seriously re-evaluate your plans to consider your obligation to this child.

 

Regardless of whether or not you and your ex get along, if you share parentling responsibilities you will need to bee civil with one another at least enough to parent this child effectively. Think about that.

 

My best friend got pregnant at a young age and the father had the stance that you did. He left her while she was pregnant (he knew- so it's a bit different) and he never took an active role in raising or even seeing thier son. At age 26 he died of cancer, 2 years ago.

 

He will never get the chance to know his beautiful, intelligent, precocious 9 year old son, and you know what? It's sad all around, because the boy understands now that his father didn't want him and wanted nothing to do with him, and now his father has no chance to ever redeem himself, or have a relationship with his son.

 

I recognize that you are not saying you will 'disown' or 'abandon' this child if it's yours, but you ARE saying that you will do 'what you can' and be there 'when you can' but still not make the child your #1 priority and to continue to focus on other parts of your life more. You say that you will 'probably change your mind' when the child is born. Do you really feel this way? Or are you just totally freaked out by the news, and haven't had time to deal with it yet?

 

I advise you to think about this strongly before you decide that's the best course of action. You may have created another life, and that child deserves 100% of your love and attention. I hope you consider this before moving on with 'your' life in the # 1 priority slot.

[EnolWolf]

You all make valid points. I'm glad people are actually listening to what I have to say. For that I thank you.

 

Right now I feel like there would be no way for me or her to care for the child properly (if it comes to it). I'll be attending college in Miami for the next 2 years. Of course I'm not thrilled about the fact that it could be mine. It was my decision and I do have to deal with it.

 

You should be able to tell that I'm no where near ready to have a child. She isn't either.

 

Under what conditions are there to consider adoption?

[EnolWolf]

I also wanted to add that I'm still shaken up by the news also. I'm going through so many emotions right now.

 

how can I take a test to determine if its mine? That takes place after birth right?

[Hope75]

I suspected you were probably shell shocked right now, it's huge news to receive, and a big adjustment, esp. at your young age.

 

A paternity test takes place after the baby is born, yes.

 

You will need to talk to your ex about her feelings towards adoption. I would say if you both felt good about that, that this may be a good case for it.

 

Of course, you'll have to talk to her first, she may not be open to that. You both need to consent for an adoption to take place.

 

You could talk to a lawyer who specializes in family law about your rights and obligations, and your options.

 

Maybe this is a good time to contact her and at least talk about it?

[savannahohsavannah]

I agree that you don't have any responsibilty to this child...not one iota! If you thought that your partner should have used emergency contraception then you should have been able to force her to go to the doctor and get it so she would not get pregnant! If you don't like this child's mom, notwithstanding the millions of divorced couples who have to care for their children every day, even when they hate each other, you should not have to take responsibility for this child. After all, this chick MADE you have sex with her, didn't she?

[Amethyst]

F) I am only willing to fully father the child of a mother that I truly love

 

Then you shouldn't have sex with any woman except the one you "truly love". Sorry, but that's just how it is. Being ready to have sex with someone means being willing to accept the consequences of the act. If you can't do that, then you don't need to have sex.

 

I think it's quite sad to have the preconceived idea that it's okay not to be a "full father" just because you don't "truly love" the mother. Don't punish a little baby for your own mistake. It's not the child's fault that you decided to have sex with a woman you don't "truly love".

 

You say you don't plan to be neglectful like your own father; but, only doing it half-way is about as bad. If you father a child, then you should FATHER it. If that means putting it up for adoption, fine; but, don't let that child go through life knowing that daddy doesn't want to be his "full father".

[avman]

The paternity test is done after the child is born. They will take a little swab of your dna and then compare it to the baby. After that test comes back you will know whether its your child or not.

 

And being nervous and upset is completely normal. That much I can understand. You might want to consider a little counseling for yourself because this is a big deal. You'll want to make the right decisions for your child (if it is yours).

 

I agree, you will need to talk to your ex about your feelings on adoption. Different states work in different ways on this subject. In some states you have to consent to it. In others, if you don't stand up and say you'll parent the baby or you remain silent then you automatically consent.

 

I know you have plans for your life and all that, but circumstances have changed. If your ex decides to parent this child and it is yours - then thats what is going to happen. You can't force an adoption. In this case, you will be ordered to pay child support to your ex (I am assuming you do not want to be the primary caretaker). And you will be granted visitation with the baby. Please take full advantage of this. As I said before, the child needs a father. Just read some of the stories from members on this site who have said "My dad was never there for me.". "I've never seen my dad". "Why doesn't my dad love me". You don't want to create another one of those situations - right?

 

Talk to your parents about the situation. They'll be able to support you through this even if they aren't particularly happy at first. And as this unfolds we can help guide you through this process as well.

[EnolWolf]

I'm just feeling lots of emotions. Back then I was so in love with her and felt like she was the only one for me. Then I found out what type of person she really was. She used me until there was nothing left. I was completely broken. It all feels like a neverending nightmare.

 

I know in my heart that I can't father a child. I know it won't work even if I try. I'm not man enough and she is too immature.

That's the whole basis for adoption. I wouldn't be able to give this child the life it deserves. My ex would just use the child as some kind of "crutch." I know her well enough to know that.

 

I bet she's hoping it's mine because she wants to "keep me." Eversince I left her and found someone else, she's taken on a strange attitude. This will only be revenge for her. A child won't make her compassionate, suddenly. She always stays the same.

 

Let's say she doesn't consider adoption. Can anyone guess what things would be like?

[Amethyst]

None of us had the perfect childhood. Even if you do adopt him / her out, s/he is *still* going to have problems and difficulties. The best that ANY child can ever have is the love of his / her parents. Money, etc. is nice, but NOTHING can top love.

 

You can't say that you "can't father a child"; because, if this child is yours, then the reality is that you HAVE fathered a child. As I said, this is something you should've been thinking of long before now. Since you didn't, however, you're going to have to cope with the here and now. If she won't agree to adoption, then you just have to accept the situation as it is.

 

Stop worrying about what the mom is going to do with the kid and worry about what YOU will do with him / her. You can't make her into a great mother, but you *can* make yourself into a great father. Are you going to show your child love? Are you going to take your son or daughter on picnics and bike rides? Are you going to spend as much time as possible with him or her? Will your child be able to look at your picture with love in his / her eyes or will there only be hatred for the man who sends child support every month but only visits him / her a couple of times a year because he's too busy with the woman he "truly loves"? THOSE are the things you need to be pondering.

 

BTW: I'd talk to a doctor, because I'm reasonably sure they CAN do paternity testing while the child is in the womb. They can collect DNA inutero, so I really don't see why they couldn't do a paternity test.

[EnolWolf]

I just don't know. I'm still so confused. Part of me wants to get away from it all and part of me says "maybe it won't be so bad after all."

 

I need more time to take it all in. It's only been 3 days.

 

Whatever happens and either way it goes, I hope that somehow things will work out for the better.

 

It was my mistake and misfortune to meet her. I'll deal with it somehow and learn from it some way.

 

I really appreciate you all helping me through this by looking at different angles.

 

What do you propose I do about my girlfriend? I like her so much and when I talk to her, she makes me feel so much better. It might as well be magic. If I tell her this now, I fear that she'll leave me.

 

What should I do?

[avman]

Well I'm assuming that all of this happened before you met your girlfriend. So its not like you cheated on her. Yes it may be difficult to accept. But everybody has a past. If she loves you and cares about you, she will come to accept this.

 

Just talk to her about it and let her know all the things that you are feeling. She may be threatened and feel that you are going to go back to your ex. You'll have to reassure her that is not the case. Let her go through this with you. Having some support is going to be important during this process.

[EnolWolf]

I agree. This is something I can't hide.

 

I just wish I never met my ex. I was happiest with her eliminated from my life. I'm honestly feeling like she was sent to destroy me or something.

 

I'm hoping its not mine. She is the biggest mistake of my life. Everytime I have anything to do with her I'm hurting or getting in some kind of trouble. I don't think anyone understands how terribe she makes me feel .

The thought of having a child with her is the worst possible thing.

 

I was used and taken advantage of. Love made me so blind. She realized how I felt and used that to her advantage. She knew i would do anything to make her happy. sadly, I was just a toy...

 

I can't handle this. I can't.

[EnolWolf]

Days have passed slowly. I've come to realize that there's no way it could be as bad as I thought. I was scared.

 

If it's mine I'll see him/her everyday to help take care.

If not, then everything will still be ok.

 

I told my girl about it. She was upset. She actually thought that I would magically fall back in love with me ex because of a child. I let her know that it would never happen. Not in 1,000,000,000 years!

 

She's gonna be there for me through this. As along as I have her, everything is all right.

 

Thanks for your help everyone!

I'm happy again!

[EnolWolf]

The kid isn`t mine!

 

 

[Marinicaj]

don't you feel relieved or what

maybe thats' why your ex didn't tell you if she was sure it wasn't yours.. does she even know who the father is? I hope she done'st end up on one of those MAURY shows

well I'm happy for you. take care!

Nina

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I just don't know. I'm still so confused. Part of me wants to get away from it all and part of me says "maybe it won't be so bad after all."

 

I need more time to take it all in. It's only been 3 days.

 

Whatever happens and either way it goes, I hope that somehow things will work out for the better.

 

What do you propose I do about my girlfriend? I like her so much and when I talk to her, she makes me feel so much better. It might as well be magic. If I tell her this now, I fear that she'll leave me.

 

What should I do?

 

If she's really the one, she won't leave you. When I met my bf, whom I've been seeing over a year now, his ex girlfriend was pregnant. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff I've been through.

 

My bf has handled it wonderfully...he is being a father to his daughter although he is not with the mom. Watching how he handles this has made me love him more, honestly...even though his ex is a psycho.

 

Whatever you do, if she is pregnant and you're the father, you must handle this in a way that satisfies your conscience, you know what I mean? You must be honorable and do what is right by this child. That's what my bf is doing, and honestly, it's what's inspired me to stay by his side through it all.

 

You're going to be just fine. Take it one day, one step at a time. Things are going to be ok.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

wouldn't you know that I should have read through all the posts first....lol