Online dating again, what would you do?

[janut1]

I've been chatting with a man for a day or so online. He seems okay, not sure if I am really interested at this point. He does live about 2 hours away from me.

 

I asked him what he does for a living, he says, don't let this discourage you... I work at Home Depot. Im like, okay. My sister works there and the pay sucks and I immediately went WHOOPS, I shouldn't of said that. Well I guess I insulted him. I really didn't mean to, but right after I said that he had to go! He is 59 and works at Home Depot. I mean at least he has a job! My X BF was a limo driver, so I really don't care that much. I did email him back and let him now that I didn't mean to insult him if I did and that I don't judge a person by their job.

 

So this brings up a good question. How important is it to you that the person you meet have a good job?

 

Learning as I go....

[Flyer79]

Hi Janut!

 

Well I think that it does matter in some ways. I work in a male dominated industry so I would tend to go for guys who are trained in their chosen field, ie a professional. They could be a chef, or a heavy machine operator. Either way I think if they have put in the effort to train and get ahead in their chosen field, then I see that as big plus. Someone who floats between jobs, not really getting anywhere to me says that they are probably wishy washy like that in life too. Just my thoughts, but he could be a manager at the home depot. I am guessing you call a home depot what we call a hardware store here in Aus.

But anyway you are learning and if he took offence to your light hearted comment anyway he needs to get a SOH!

[janut1]

Hi Flyer,

Yes it is a big hardware store. This is almost a red flag for me now that I think of it. He is obviously insecure about his job. He is not a manager though. He said he is working his way up. He used to be in IT, which is a much better job so I wonder why he isn't now. He also has been divorced for 18 years, which is a long time.

 

I'm not that attracted to him so far, so I will probably just move on anyway.

[Flyer79]

Yeah that is fair enough, if the initial attraction isn't there, then you have your answer then. 18 years is a long time for him to be divorced, but he my also be against re-marrying. He may be happy just going along in a relationship without the legal commitment.

[Batya33]

Look, you insulted him in your first phone call, whether you meant to or not. He has nothing else to go on but your first impression. It doesn't matter whether someone's job is important to any of the rest of us in a relationship (for what it's worth, it was always very important to me for several reasons) - it does matter whether it is important to you (and it would be good for your own purposes to know why it is important to you).

 

I think it's good that you apologized.

 

I don't think declining to date someone because of what he does for a living is "judging" him -it's simply choosing not to date him although in a different context you might be friends with him. I once declined to date someone who had a very important and lucrative job because I had ethical concerns about his industry and what he did in that industry. But, I didn't think he was necessarily a bad person or not worthy of being my friend.

[SoulTaker]

Hi Flyer,

Yes it is a big hardware store. This is almost a red flag for me now that I think of it. He is obviously insecure about his job. He is not a manager though. He said he is working his way up. He used to be in IT, which is a much better job so I wonder why he isn't now. He also has been divorced for 18 years, which is a long time.

 

I'm not that attracted to him so far, so I will probably just move on anyway.

 

There have been a number of layoffs in the IT industry over the years. He's probably doing what he has to do to put food on the table.

[janut1]

Hi Batya,

 

I was just opening the conversation on this topic, not really looking to prove my point.

 

But yes I did apologize to him about my comment.

[notalady]

I personally will only date guys who have a professional job, with university education. Preferably with decent pay. That's my own situation and I would like the guy I meet to at least not be doing worse than me. From my point of view, I want a guy who is able to carry his own weight, I also want the guy to have some sort of career goal in life. From the guy's perspective, I have met (a few) men who earn a bit less than me and/or had an unstable job, and they seemed insecure about it (I'm by no means a high income earning, I'm about middle). I'm not saying all men would feel like that, but I just don't really want to have to deal with it at all, I just don't go there.

[IAmFCA]

For me, it is not about how much he makes, but what sort of job. My work is transactional, and consequently, sometimes unpredictable. Someone who needs a partner home everyday without fail at the same time, that is not me. I look for someone with hustle and intellect.

[IAmFCA]

To your question: I would move on; a retail job is a nonstarter for me. I don't know why, I think my bias is narrow minded.

[notalady]

To your question: I would move on; a retail job is a nonstarter for me. I don't know why, I think my bias is narrow minded.

 

Maybe I'm biased too, I too won't date someone in a retail job. It's not skilled work, and people working in retail will either be dissatisfied with the lack of challenge & stimulation in the work they do (ie someone who is not happy), or they are perfectly content cruising along in a low skill low pay job that probably won't go anywhere because they only have to put in minimal effort. I'm not saying this is always the case, I'm sure many people work their way up in retail and end up in senior management etc, but that's a very small number of them from what I can gather. Most of them will tell you they are trying to move up the ladder or looking for another job, but that doesn't always work out (or they are just saying it to grab your interest), you are pretty much taking a gambling that they are going to do something with their life, which may or may not happen.

[missmarple]

I don't care what kind of work someone does as long as:

1. He can support himself.

2. He doesn't have to work very long hours because I always have my evenings free and I can't see myself with someone who can only see me on Saturday, for example.

3. It's not something illegal..lol

[Batya33]

Hi Batya,

 

I was just opening the conversation on this topic, not really looking to prove my point.

 

But yes I did apologize to him about my comment.

 

I didn't think you were trying to prove anything but was responding to your question as to whether the rest of us care about what a potential SO does as a job: you wrote "So this brings up a good question. How important is it to you that the person you meet have a good job?" and I responded.

 

I think the responses are interesting and none is looking to prove a point (and neither was mine).

[Batya33]

For me, it is not about how much he makes, but what sort of job. My work is transactional, and consequently, sometimes unpredictable. Someone who needs a partner home everyday without fail at the same time, that is not me. I look for someone with hustle and intellect.

 

Same here because my work schedule was wildly unpredictable and often involved late evenings and weekends.

[reinventmyself]

I don't focus on the title as much as who he is as a person, though I am sure there some vocation out there I may pass on.

I work in a corporate atmosphere and have staff that reports to me. But I also remember where I came from. My ex H was a fireman and in the end the title and money meant nothing if he had very little integrity and was very controlling and drove us into extreme debt.

I dated a couple skilled laborers lately. (electrician, movie set design) They paid their bills on time, highly intelligent, very insightful.

At some point I could tell that our interests would be different. I want to travel (and can) they don't. Wineries are fun, they have zero interest, etc.

I am basically a bbq, flip flop girl. I can easily live a simple life style but I want them to stretch out of their comfort zone at times.

 

Basically, I don't hold someone's vocation against them is they are a quality person and there are some common interests and goals.

[janut1]

I don't either. I just want to be sure they have a job and can support themselves. My X BF was a limo/bus driver. He made pretty good money, but I made more then him. I wonder sometimes if that bothered him. His issue was he would spend his money as soon as he was paid. It was a joke, paid on Friday and its gone on Monday. Didn't pay his bills on time either. He asked me to help him with a budget, and I tried but he never followed it. He was a very generous man but never had a dime because of it. Ahhh, memories. I still miss him even with his faults.

 

The guy from the online site messaged me today and said he wasn't insulted, no worries. So I guess we are okay. I am not interested in dating him though, he seems to be someone who just wants to chat.

[IAmFCA]

Its important to recognize that managing retail can be demanding, bringing in HR, inventory, merchandising, and accounting and internal controls as areas of concern.

 

I would prefer my man to be surrounded by people who challenge him, and to have an entrepreneurial spirit. My guy now: his brother makes big bucks; my guy is not that guy. But he has hustle and vision, and is in a B2B business as well as a labor business that serves wealthy clients. He knows how to meet high standards, and that is important to me.

 

I am impressed that your prospect was not offended. Good for him!