What to do when you've been shunned

[Aimee Ault]

Hi everyone.

 

Normally, I'd go to friends for advice like this but right now I just don't know where to turn.

 

I'm about to turn 30 and spent most of my 20s traveling around the world. Some time between trips, I met the guy I'm currently dating and we've been dating for about a year now. About 8 months ago, I started renting a place in the city he lives in and got to meet all of his friends. He has a fairly broad circle of friends and most of them are couples also in their late 20s or early 30s, but there is a small niche of them that is composed of about 3 or 4 couples in particular that he hangs out with the most.

 

I'm a pretty extroverted person but I haven't always been that way and although I consider myself extroverted, I sometimes have social anxiety issues... they usually pop up when I'm in a group larger than 4 people. If I'm talking one on one with people, I'm very confident and assertive. If I'm in a larger group, I sometimes sort of hang back and may not talk as much even though I enjoy being there.

 

However, over the past 8 months, I've noticed I'm no longer invited to things by this group, ever. I started to feel very depressed about a month or two ago when I realized I had no friends here. Occasionally, I'd be walking to the store and would see the whole group (minus my boyfriend, who'd be somewhere else) hanging out together... without me. And it hurt a lot. I told my boyfriend about how I was feeling and he said he could understand although thought I was maybe overthinking the whole situation, and even sort of blamed himself in part for it because he's very introverted and often declines invites to things from his friends.

 

But then he got an invitation to a birthday trip and when he asked if I was invited too, was told no. He told the guy organizing it how I was feeling left out and got a very lengthy e-mail in response about how they have intentionally not included me in things because they feel like I'm too closed off or antisocial (his feedback was that I don't make eye contact and that I seem too quiet). Of the twenty or so times I've hung out with these people, I can think of maybe 3 or 4 times where he's right, I was kind of quiet... but on the whole, I don't think I am.

 

I don't really know how to feel about any of this. Normally, I would write these people off and just walk away but they're friends with my boyfriend and I don't have any other friends right now. The feedback was constructive and sure, I could stand to improve how I interact with people some... but should I bend over backwards to adjust my personality to meet the expectations of a group of people who can't accept me for who I am and would just so quickly shun me for it, when they know I'm new to the city, they know I have no friends, and they know I'm feeling this way?

 

I told my boyfriend that I felt very uncomfortable having so much pressure in this situation put on him... it doesn't seem right... and I'm really torn over what's right versus how I'm feeling. The e-mail seemed so insensitive that it made me cry and now I just feel angry and bitter over it... which isn't doing me any good. I don't know if I'm being too whiney and butthurt or if these people (namely the guy writing that e-mail) were total jerks. Do I talk to these people about things? Do I just walk away and try to find other friends? Everything about it feels awkward.

[Edmund Exley]

All these issues describe are within yourself, not on the backs of others. Youre social anxiety issues have probably made them feel awkward in dealing with you, plus the differences in culture. They are under no obligation to invite you every time they hang out, and your feelings of sadness in seeing them are a sidebar of your anxiety.

 

Perhaps start seeing someone to fix the anxiety.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I've been through things like this and I find that if I continue to be myself, but focused on being positive and in the moment when I'm around people who have an issue with me, they eventually come around and find a commonality. Y do however have to swallow your pride and force yourself to forgive first.

[agent1607307371]

You need to find friends. Your own friends.

 

It's not realistic to expect that your bf's circle will just adopt you. It would be nice, but it's not how things work. They've shown themselves to be rude in excluding you, and yes, jerks for that email, but they have no responsibility to you.

 

If you're living there, you need to start trying to make your own social circle and not one that is dependent on your boyfriend.

[Aimee Ault]

All these issues describe are within yourself, not on the backs of others. Youre social anxiety issues have probably made them feel awkward in dealing with you, plus the differences in culture. They are under no obligation to invite you every time they hang out, and your feelings of sadness in seeing them are a sidebar of your anxiety.

 

Perhaps start deeing someone to fix the anxiety.

 

I can understand that, but I'm more often *not* anxious around them than I am... it seems like just a couple of times have been narrowly focused on, and I generally have apologized in the moment when those times occur. Like if I went to a large party and it started to get very loud and out of hand I might say to the people I'm talking to, "I'm sorry, all the noise is just a bit overwhelming for me." On a typical day, social anxiety is not an issue for me and I've hung out with these friends many times and been nothing but polite and open towards them.

[Aimee Ault]

You need to find friends. Your own friends.

 

It's not realistic to expect that your bf's circle will just adopt you. It would be nice, but it's not how things work. They've shown themselves to be rude in excluding you, and yes, jerks for that email, but they have no responsibility to you.

 

If you're living there, you need to start trying to make your own social circle and not one that is dependent on your boyfriend.

 

I agree. I've been working on making my own separate friends... it just... takes time to make relationships with people that are meaningful. I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth salvaging things with his friends for the sake of not jeopardizing his own friendships.

[itsallgrand]

Umm, I do find it somewhat rude that they are consciously excluding you completely. You are still the gf of their friend, and that isn't very nice to do that.

 

But I think most of this and your reaction now to it does come down to how you have been feeling lonely and have no one of your own circle to hang out with and feel close to. If you addressed that, and your anxiety - this other thing will be a lot easier to deal with. It needn't be a huge issue. I think it's possible to be friendly and polite to these people, and that would be desirable seeing as they are friends of your bf, but obviously you probably won't get close to any of them (and prob don't want to near as much now .

 

So I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely. What do you think would help? What are your ideas thus far to remedying that and the friend situation?

[DancingFool]

Wow....your bf's "friends" are so far out of line, I don't even know quite what to say.

 

I guess the short and blunt of it is that your bf needs better quality friends and these people are actually bullying you. The only circumstance where friends might decide to specifically exclude a friend's SO from an event is because several time in the past they've ruined the event with drama, drugs, getting drunk and out of control, causing actual damage to things. You know...things that are pretty extreme where people can legitimately say, "hey that's just not something we can deal with and it's happened multiple times." Outside of something extreme and understandable, if my friends excluded my bf like that, they'd no longer be my friends. Their attitude and behavior is not acceptable.

 

Having said all that, YOU need to actually branch out and make your own friends instead of leaning on your bf and his friends for a social life. As you are learning, it just doesn't work. It's always important to have friends who are your friends. If your bf stays friends with these people, try to be civil, but do not bow down to their bullying behavior. So what if you are quiet in a group setting. Lots of people are. That's not a reason to shun someone.

[Aimee Ault]

I feel like he's intentionally stepped back from them because of this somewhat. He ended up declining the birthday invitation because he felt so awful about it (I had no idea that this was happening when he did decline, though, so it's not like I encouraged it) And it makes me feel awful because everyone has that friend that "always used to be there!" and then suddenly starts dating someone and is no longer around as much. And people generally blame the person they're dating for it. Maybe rightfully but I really would hope no one thinks I'm trying to tear him from his friends... I don't want that at all.

 

I feel like it's important for me to have my own friends but I've always felt it's important to get along with people I'm dating's friends as well... especially since this group in particular spends so much time hanging out as couples... when I first got here, I was constantly being invited to things because of that.

 

I've tried telling my boyfriend "you being responsible for my social life is not a healthy thing. I don't want us to be codependent," but he has slightly different ideas about how relationships work... I thought maybe it was me who was weird for it because I'm a very independent person. I've been in a codependent relationship a long time ago. They're bad news.

[DancingFool]

I can understand that, but I'm more often *not* anxious around them than I am... it seems like just a couple of times have been narrowly focused on, and I generally have apologized in the moment when those times occur. Like if I went to a large party and it started to get very loud and out of hand I might say to the people I'm talking to, "I'm sorry, all the noise is just a bit overwhelming for me." On a typical day, social anxiety is not an issue for me and I've hung out with these friends many times and been nothing but polite and open towards them.

 

You may be feeling that, but please don't say that out loud to people and don't start apologizing. That makes you weird and flags you as a weak target for any nasty ahole looking for someone to pick on. There are some thoughts that just need to stay inside of our head.

 

Find other ways to cope like maybe step outside a bit for some fresh air where it's more quiet and fewer people. Focus on talking to one person who is friendly to you and calm, so you can kind of pick up on their vibe. Go mix yourself a fresh drink or check some e-mails on your phone. In short, give yourself a little mental time out when you are starting to feel a little overwhelmed so you can balance and then come back to the party feeling a little stronger. It's OK to be a wallflower, it's OK to be quiet, it's OK to be a good listener. Someone who likes to talk will love talking to you because you are giving them attention without competing for attention with them.

[missmarple]

First of all, if my friends excluded my bf from group events just because he 'seemed too quiet', I would stop being friends with them. Definitely. Sure, someone's friends don't have to become close friends to his partner, too, but when we're talking about an established couple it's just rude to invite one and not the other....unless the partner is rude, tends to get drunk etc etc. Then they have a good reason. But not making eye contact and being too quiet? Pleaseeeeeeee. For one thing, NOT inviting his partner shows lack of respect in HIM.

I agree that you should look into making your own friends, too, but, regarding these jerks, I would step back, too..just like your bf is doing.

[weathergirl]

I'm wondering a couple of things. First off...who organizes these events? Is it just one person within the group who does most of the organizing or do people take turns organizing? Reason I ask is because I find it hard to believe that "everyone" in the group doesn't like you or doesn't want you there.

 

It sounds to me like maybe one or two people within the group don't feel comfortable around you (for whatever reason -- e.g. if they're female, perhaps they feel jealous of you a bit, who knows). And if they are the ones who do most of the organizing, then they will exclude you. The others in the group may know nothing about that.

 

Or one or two people don't want you there, and they've convinced the others to jump on the bandwagon. There are all sorts of statistics about "group mentality" and how often times people within a group are afraid to go against even one or two other people in the group...for fear they may be shunned also. So other people in the group may actually really like you but they are afraid to go against the others, even if it's just one other person. And if that one other person who doesn't want you there is doing the organizing...then you're going to be excluded.

 

In any event, this whole things sounds so juvenile IMO. You are the girlfriend of one of the members of the group...you shouldn't even have to be given a formal invite...it's just a given that you would attend. And what the hell...do they take a vote or something before each event "whomever doesn't want Aimee there, raise your hand." Stupid!!!

 

Try not to let it get to you. My guess is it's only one or two members of the group who don't want you there....and who knows what they're reasons are. Again, if they're female, maybe they feel threatened by you or are jealous of you for some reason. It could be anything really.

 

You don't need people like this in your life anyway, do you? I wouldn't. IMO, it's no great loss on your part and good for your boyfriend for turning down the event.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm with Dancing Fool on this one. A group of people who go out of their way to deliberately not invite you while trying to invite the BF? Totally insensitive jackaninnies at best. The world is full of people who are not the life of the party and a good group of friends will do their best to make someone feel comfortable and welcome, not exclude them. Although I'm a bit suspicious there may be more to it, because that excuse just sounds so lame I'm having a hard time believing an entire group of people would act like that. So let's look at other possible motives here:

a) they all party and drink and do drugs and you don't, so they are uncomfortable with you around as the straight person - and some of them feel guilty about it and are projecting things on to you that aren't true like you judging them etc.

b) your BF used to sort of be the de facto guy who lets the group use him--i.e. borrow his car, his cash, run favors and errands and now that he's with you that no longer happens

c) he was single for so long that the people in this group of friends only want to see him in that role and won't accept him in any other one--i.e. he was that safe guy to flirt with, hang on and yet not be a threat and then suddenly there's you.

d) they really are kind of a crowd who have a very narrow view of the world and the people in it and they'll be avoiding a ton of people in life if their entire criteria is that they snub anyone who is quiet and hangs back.

e) they may not like you for some other reason and it's absolutely nothing you said or did or can change, because it's based on some other prejudice they don't want to come out and say, because they'll look like total wankers stating they don't approve of your race, religion, intelligence, college degree fill in the excuse.

f) they are extremely cliquish and only want x number of people they know and no one else to join the group.

g) it's really only one or two alphas in the group who don't like you for some other reason and they are insisting you not be invited and everyone is too cowed to refuse

 

And h) Even if you're the girl who hides in the corner all night and flinched whenever anybody talked to you their actions are still uncalled for and rude. I'd get this if you drank too much, were rude to them, threw fits during parties, monopolized convos and the like yeah sure, but for the reasons they state--no. Honestly it sounds like your BF has outgrown these friends and that happens too. It's common for people to try and pin that on someone, but in the end people change and people within the group can too. How about you and your boyfriend look into finding activities and making new friends together that you can both feel comfortable with and hang out with? And you aren't the one alienating your boyfriend from his friends, they are so stop blaming yourself. Stop stressing over people who are rude and immature, because the whole "she's too quiet," thing is so junior high it's just flat out dumb.

 

And your BF isn't asking that his friends embrace you 100 percent, but it's normal for couples to want to do things together--especially to big parties. Even if I didn't like someone there's just no way I'd ever be so rude as to invite one part of a couple and deliberately not invite the other.

[Aimee Ault]

So usually these activities are organized by a couple of different people. One of them is a guy, the one who wrote the e-mail. He's nice but, according to my boyfriend, he used to be socially awkward himself... so it's really weird to me that he would criticize me for behaviors he should be very familiar with. The other is a guy who is really nice and I've never had any issue getting along with him. The guy who wrote the e-mail has a girlfriend and she and I actually get along very well, we've even hung out one-on-one before and I've never gotten the impression that she dislikes me or anything...

 

Before my boyfriend was with me, he had a couple of other girlfriends. One of them was the sister of one of the people in this group. The next was a housemate to one of them. So they were already "insiders" in a way. I'm probably the first case where someone in the immediate group has dated someone outside of it... these are all people who went to college together and now work together so they're very tight knit.

 

I think I'm just going to take it in stride. If someone goes out of their way to invite me to something and is polite about it, I'd go because I don't like holding grudges, but it's harder when my boyfriend tries to get me to go along and I feel like I'm not wanted there. But I guess I'd need to go to something and be around these people to really be able to feel it out, maybe.

 

The replies here have helped me put it in more perspective though. I'm putting my worries in the wrong place... I'm sad because I'm lonely and I should be investing that energy more into building my own friends, not focusing on people who are rude to me.

[ParisPaulette]

The guy who wrote the e-mail has a girlfriend and she and I actually get along very well, we've even hung out one-on-one before and I've never gotten the impression that she dislikes me or anything...

 

Any chance you could invite her over for coffee or ring her up and ask her about it. I wouldn't be accusatory, but just state calmly what you know and that you need to feedback to find out what's going on. Or your BF invites him and his girlfriend over for dinner and you guys focus more on doing couples things with individuals from the group rather than the entire group. Say nothing about the email, don't even act like you know about it, just interact and let him see you're fine.

 

And yes it's quite possible one of your BF's exes is stirring up trouble and maybe members of the group are afraid to stand up for you, because you're simply the new girl. People in a group act very differently than they do when by themselves or one-on-one. I doubt very much that every person in the group has an issue with you, it's much more likely to be one or two people and they may even be "speaking" on behalf of other people who have no idea why you aren't invited and may even have been told you declined previous invites.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, and I'm stunned.

 

If I were in your BF's shoes, I'd be completely offended on your behalf, and I'd ditch these douche bags so fast and so quietly, they'd need a detective to figure out where I went.

 

Who on earth DOES this, but petty, insecure, socially ignorant and self absorbed brats?

 

I'm rarely so harsh in describing my reaction to people, but this group is far from worthy of you much less superior to you--and you're best off without any of them. Period.

 

Think about it: if you were comfortable with a group of friends on your own home turf and met the GF of someone who, presumably, you care about and respect, wouldn't you reach out to this woman and help her feel welcomed and included?

 

Think about the nature of any group who'd demo the opposite behavior, and then decide whether the problem is with you. Hint: The problem is not with you.

 

Sure, you can work on your own social graces if you believe this this will help you in your own social life in the future, but I can only tell you that this situation is bizarre and not at all typical of how adults behave. Maybe middle-schoolers, but not adults.

 

I wouldn't badmouth these people to BF--he needs to reach his own conclusions. But I'd certainly opt out of joining him if he socializes with them, and instead I'd take classes, join a gym, join volunteer or civic groups to meet like-minded people with whom I can form comfortable friendships, and I'd consider myself liberated from the need to cater to mean people--ever.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll write more if it helps.

[user4000]

you know what! I know exactly what you are talking about by being introverted in large groups and if people left me out for that, I'd feel super awful. People probably have left me out for it. What I would do if I were you is the following. I would

1. forgive and forget. There is no use holding on to it, it will only hurt you.

2. This is a large group of people and maybe the opinions in the email were of one or two. Or maybe when they hang out, some are saying "hey, we should invite aimee! and then the person who actually organizes it an idiot and they don't. SO, look at the people in the group and maybe pick one or two that you like the most or that you think you could be friends with and start by inviting them to things as a smaller group. An example might be to say you need to shop for a dress and need help picking one out... something easy. Then once they see you aren't so introverted, it will be better

3. Making friends is the worst. Everyone hates it so just know you are not alone. Just hang in there!