Possible breakup note

[MsCodeMonkey]

Sorry for the form of this. My laptop broke, so I'm using my phone. Is the following note mostly calm and rational even though it's a little stream on consciousness?

 

I've had something I really wanted to talk to you about for a while, but you've been a difficult person to get time with lately, so I'm writing you this note. Sorry that it's one long paragraph. I had to write it on my phone. For a while now, I've been feeling like you're becoming more and more distant to me and I don't just mean this 3+ weeks where I haven't seen you. I feel lonely, on the edges of your life, uncared about, and unvalued. I know you started your new job and the schedule is different but there's no reason that we couldn't still see each other regularly and talk when we can't meet in person. I think we should meet at least twice every week even if just for a few minutes and have a real date night at least every two weeks. There's time before and after work. There's time during breaks. I've been willing to do what had to be done, take naps or drive to meet you, but you don't seem to be wanting to meet me halfway. Where is the joy and excitement for my presence? Where are the invitations to join you and your friends? It would make me feel loved and connected to you if sometimes you simply stopped to see me on the way to work for a kiss and a have a good day sometimes. I don't want to carry on a relationship by myself. If I'm not worth some sacrifices and compromise to you, that's a serious problem. I don't want to be your casual friend who you meet up with occasionally for sex and cuddles. I'm your girlfriend. I should be your partner in life. There shouldn't be all of these people who form such a big part of your life that I've never even met. I've given you a lot of trust and benefit of the doubt, but it doesn't make me happy to feel like the secret girlfriend that none of these people have met or spent time with. I don't know if our problems can be fixed. It kind of depends on if you really want a real relationship with me where the goal is eventually til death do we part. Honestly, we only get to live our lives once, and I want to be happy in my relationship. There are great things about you Travis and I do love you perhaps in spite of my common sense, but I'm not going to keep putting myself out there to be hurt over and over again. There shouldn't be fear, exhaustion, sorrow, and doubt in my heart. I should know deep down that I am loved and wanted and appreciated. So if you can't or don't want to answer to these feelings, I understand. I'd rather you hurt me here and now then continue hurting me over months and years.

[RnldbMai]

I think that's an eloquently written note that's unselfish in its honesty. I hope you find your truth.

[HONEYHONEY]

I agree. It's well written and it seems sincere. Not overly dramatic. Good for you for putting yourself out here and best of luck

[sky09]

...but you've been a difficult person..

 

tried to avoid adjectives like that when addressing a person.

[waffle]

It's a really, really bad idea to try and negotiate better treatment in a relationship. I'm afraid I've written that letter a time or two in my past, and it never works. Ever. You have two choices here: 1) to find a way to accept the declining relationship, or 2) to not accept it and move on. Changing him and his behavior is never an option. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

 

Writing something like that can be therapeutic, but recognize that it's for you--not him. He won't get it. Just know that when (WHEN) you do not get the results you expect and/or the situation improves for a bit as he "tries" and then goes back to what it is now, you have to make good on promises like "I'm not going to keep putting myself out there to be hurt over and over again", because if you do in fact still hang around and accept crumbs (all the while still trying to negotiate better treatment), your credibility goes right out the window.

[SophieGrace]

Completely agree with Waffle. As an objective reader, it sounds like a letter of accusation and blame with an implied hint that if he changes you will stay. It is filled with mixed messages right up to the last line. He has shown you who he is... I assume you've told him that you want more, and nothing has changed. If you are going to end it, then end it cleanly, concisely, and without blame. He's simply not right for you and what you hope to find in a relationship, and as much as it hurts sweetie, he has that right. It's his life too.

[jayded]

Wow, that is exactly where I was about 6 months ago. I wish I had found this forum back then. Since April I felt a change with my ex - he would still respond to my interest to catch up and we still had sex but I felt like I was less and less a part of his life. I asked him so many times if something was going on, if there was someone else... I asked him to just tell me the truth so that I could move on - and he said that I was implying that he wasnt telling the truth about something, that there was nothing going on.

 

Turns out he had a 'special' friend who he later admitted was a "distraction". He admitted that they had slept together - even though we were still sleeping together from time to time! He broke her heart as well. I received a message from him just this week saying he had met someone who he had strong feelings for and he didnt know where that left us??! He had previously said I was his best friend - how could someone do that to their best friend

 

Save yourself the heartache and confusion. Walk away. Do something nice for yourself, do something that will make you feel good, be with people who want to be with you and who care for you. Begging for crumbs and loving someone more and more in the hope that they will see the light does not work.

 

He wont change back to the person who is in your mind - the person who you met in the flush of romance. All you can do is change what you are doing - stop running after him, stop pleading, stop asking him to change. Get strong without him, enjoy life without him, fill the achy void with good things and then decide if he needs to be part of your happy life. Does he make you feel good, really? Does he make you happy? Does he go out of his way to do nice things for you, just because? Is he there when you need him? Do you really trust him 110%?

 

Doubts and pain are not love. Fear, rejection, isolation, being hidden away from other parts of someones life are not love. Seeking, begging and excusing behaviour is not love.

 

Love is supportive, giving and receiving freely, understanding, non-judgemental. It is feeling safe and secure even when someone is not around all the time.

 

Thats my take on it anyway. Im still working it out, still have bad days, still break NC but Im starting to see that it doesnt matter how much I try or how hard I love someone, if they dont feel the same way then they are only going to feel like Im being needy and desperate and they are definitely not qualities that entice someone back into a relationship.

[catfeeder]

I've been feeling like you're becoming more and more distant to me and I don't just mean this 3+ weeks where I haven't seen you.

 

You can't negotiate anything in a letter, much less with someone who's pulled away from you.

 

All it does is speak of how you're sitting alone spinning your feelings out on a page while he (or she) is out living his/her life.

 

I'd skip that. The only person who deserves that kind of sincere outpouring from you is one who will show up to hear you in person.

 

If this is someone who cares enough to pursue this information from you, then lay it on them. If not, keep your dignity, grieve, heal, and go live your life.

 

Head high.