I can't win when it comes to attraction.

[iwishiknew]

Lately I have been posting on CL in the dating section seeing if I would get any responses. My ad describes a little about me, my interests and hobbies: working out, music, movies, cars, and what I enjoy doing on my free time. I gotten responses from several girls in their late 20's early 30's. I was chatting with them back and forth on IM and texting.

 

All these girls all share the exact same interests as me. One girl enjoys working on cars and she works at a dealership as the other enjoys working out, running and being active. The other girl likes car shows, running, and rollerblading. It was great that I finally might have found someone to go out with. All of that came to an end after we exchanged pics. None responded back after the exchange of pics. Geeze really?? I can't believe they all turned me down because of my looks that I'm not attractive. Why not give me a chance so you can get to know me? Or at least be my friend? Instead of just throwing me away from you. All these girls were below/average looking, and they were not hot models. I felt so good about this and hoping I would finally go out on my first date but I was wrong. If I can't attract these below/average looking girls then who can I attract?? This is why I never had a gf, or been out on a date and sadly still I have never been kissed or kissed a girl yet.

 

Ok, so I'm not your normal good looking average guy. I'm born with a bone disorder and I'm 5'2 but I'm nice, outgoing, friendly, I can repair and fix cars, I enjoy working out, running, rollerblading and being outside and being active, and always willing to try new things. Isn't this what a girl wants in guy?? If so why not give me a chance? I knew at a young age it wouldn't be easy for me to get a gf because of my condition. But now at 36, I would have thought I would have had a least one date and one gf but it has not happened. This is going to be the biggest challenge of my life.

[abitbroken]

Are you still looking for work? Or are you unemployed?

 

Also, I think you are better off looking for activity partners who like to go to car shows, fix cars, etc, rather than doing online dating. That way someone can get to know you in real life and they could fall for you, or you could end up making a friend who could introduce you to other women who have the same interests. Honestly, wanting a woman who works on cars is a tough sell. There are a lot of guys who would love that so they have their choice of dates. Most women who marry car guys do not work on cars but have another passion and respect his passion.

 

I think that if you have a bone disorder, some women are cautious about that. It might be something scary to them - wondering if you will live a short life or can't have kids. So in other words, I would just try to make more firends in person and expand your social group like that and there may be a woman you meet as a result that is interested in you.

[sk22545]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Do not chat with women first and then send them your pictures. My advice is to initially post your photos on Craigslist and other dating sites. Make sure the photos are accurate and include a full length shot. This will filter out the women you don't have a chance with right away.

 

I would do this on as many dating sites as possible. It will take a lot of patience, but I do believe you will eventually find someone.

[blueidealist24]

Craigslist is like a meat market, where people are very superficial, so of course they would judge you on your looks, although that really doesn't seem fair. You do sound like a nice guy, and I've thought so since I started following your posts, so I wish you could find someone. You should try a dating site like link removed on which people are more serious about dating to get into relationships, not just have hookups. These people will be much less likely to judge you on looks alone. I agree with another poster that the bone disorder might be a turn-off too, albeit kind of an unfair one. I guess all the people may not know about it unless it's very apparent from your photos or you tell them right away, though.

[SooSad33]

In dating sites, pictures are better. And as for 'friends'? Not often are they looking for 'friends', on there.

If that's not working out for you, maybe it's best to just find one in a more normal way.

 

Never give up hope. I know it is hard to do sometimes, but people of all shapes & sizes do find a partner.

[Penseur]

I can somewhat relate to you here.

 

I don't have a physical disorder, but on dating sites and such, including CL, my picture seems to be the roadblock. Or at least I think that is the case when I get very few responses, except for those few to whom I am not attracted. The irony. I'm only an average looking guy, perhaps even a little below average.

 

Now what I have noticed, and this is where I may be able to help a little, is that when in person, I don't seem nearly to have this problem to the same degree. I'm not one of these people who can just go about getting romantic mates with ease. However, this is where your personality can flourish (and you have already highlighted some positives you offer there).

 

Have you tried going out to social functions where you would enjoy taking part in activities you find interesting? For instance, maybe go to a car show, take a community college class about car repair, go to the roller-blade arena, go to the park, the gym, etc.

 

If you're not comfortable with that idea, then keep trying the CL/dating sites. Just keep doing it, over and over again. If you make 1,000 posts, basic statistics dictates that 1 will be interested (probably way more than that). It's all about exposure. Keep in mind too that people on CL and some of the less serious dating sites have expectations that are extraordinarily high and unattainable. Just look at some of the posts on CL. I oftentimes see a laundry list of "must haves" by some of the people posting on there. For instance, must have a great job, great house, be attractive, be between this age and that age, can't do this, must do that.

 

After all, is it not true that when a person's personality is attractive, then somehow they become more physically attractive? At the least, that is certainly the case with me. I have no idea what you look like. What I do know is tons and tons of people who I consider unattractive that have a heck of a lot of success dating.

 

I'm not very successful dating overall. Why? Well, I don't follow any of the advice mentioned above for one. I get discouraged far too easily; I tend to isolate myself during difficult times.

 

I have a feeling some of what I am saying here may apply to you too.

[whitwhit]

You need to post the picture or make anyone reading your page see the picture first. It will weed out all the women who are not right for you.

 

I think online dating can be a bad place for people with medical conditions that affect their appearance or quality of life- unless you want to date someone who also has a condition.

 

It is normal and healthily to be shrewd and suspicious of people they meet online. It also encourages people to act on the superficial part of their brain that judges men based on their appearance- and to act on that part of their brain FIRST.

 

I think you'd be better off forging a relationship in person. It would require women you meet to be more up-front and authentic with you initially.

[iwishiknew]

I'm employed part-time in retail making minim wage. I can't find any FT work in IL that pays a living wage. I do go to car shows but a lot of girls there are with their bf.

 

 

 

On CL I don't post my pic, but other dating websites I was on before I did post my pics. I don't do any more dating websites, it is a waste of $$$. Before I was on more than 5 dating websites and never gotten one response. I wasted a lot of $$ for nothing on those dating websites. I know a lot of women are cautious about my bone disorder it is unattractive and I know it scarys them away, that is why I never had a gf or a date yet.

 

 

 

Yes, I have done a lot of social functions before. I always go to the park to go running and rollerblading, I sometimes go to car shows, and I have been to 3 different colleges.

 

 

 

I do agree that online dating is a bad place for people with medical conditions. I know because I have done online dating before for almost 10 yrs and never met 1 girl. I just do CL because it is free and I will never pay $$ for online dating again.

[blueidealist24]

You can use Plenty of Fish, Ok Cupid and Evow for free. I wouldn't pay for online dating, either, after some of the creatures I've talked to on there.

[AmyFFowler]

I suggest that you try finding girls online to talk to somewhere not specifically geared towards dating. I am saying this because if you posted in the dating section of CL, they probably expect to date someone and not to be their friends only; therefore looks will matter to them sadly.

I think that if you're only going to be friends with someone, it's not essential to see what the other person looks like, at least not immediately. Why should it matter how attractive a FRIEND is??

 

I personally find that if I get to like someone's personality a lot, then looks do become secondary.

 

I don't think dating websites are good for certain people because women/men on them are still gonna contact you based on how attractive you look. They won't give you a chance to show what you're like if they don't find you attractive enough. That's why I'd never do online dating. I hate seeing people having a sort of shopping list for what their potential date should be like.

 

Just talk with the person and get to know them a bit before assuming they won't ever make you happy because they're not tall enough or because they don't do a certain job; that's what I think.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think online dating is for you if your pics scare women away. If I were you, I would focus on getting a more financially secure career.

[Synerjist]

Man, it sounds like you're sifting through the garbage of the world. I'm so sorry. It isn't you, sir... bad people are bad and they can't use the medium for an excuse. Hitler an Pol Pot need some shortsighted servants in the afterlife to keep them company anyway. Let 'em rot, I say.

 

And, f__K the 'improve yourself' advice! It's hack-speak. It's garbage. Of course, improve yourself... for yourself. You'll never improve yourself enough for the proverbial peanut gallery of tough-love vomitorium advice here or anywhere else on the internet. That has nothing to do with finding true love, and no one needs to tell you that except yourgoddamnself. You'll never be someone elses' "perfect" and don't worry about that.

 

Women out there are flawed left-and-right, top-to-bottom. Never let the broken call you broken. That's what weakest of weak trash do. Don't think ill, and keep your head up. Take the high road. The good people will recognize that you're on a positive path right where you are and want to join that route in life. They're the only ones worth it. The rest of these plebes are idealists that think you can reach nirvana in real life and win love like some reality TV trash nonsense. It's worse than hate speak. I'm ashamed that these perpetual demoralizing "fixers" even exist... telling you that you're "almost there" until you're 99 years old. They're the worst. Ignore them. You AND your future love won't ever meet their standards (with their thousands-and-thousands of pathetic posts). Know that.

 

 

[Dougie_D]

It's our society. I don't know a single person that's over 30 who is just NOW getting in a serious relationship off of a dating site. I have a friend that dates like crazy, and he has one girl that's "lasted a couple of months" but he's getting "over it". Also, even if you get involved with a girl through online, there will be the "so when are you going to delete your dating profile?". That's like the main question that breaks it off. The problem is that single people are almost always going to have a dating profile somewhere. They ARE looking. The younger generation, that's all they know. The older generation 25 and up do it because they have smaller resources.

I have a dating profile but I don't stress over it anymore. It's becoming FAKE to me. The ones you need to find are the ones that are not looking online. Most likely not stuffed with a phone or computer at a coffee shop.

My suggestion is to try to find a girl outside the internet somehow. That's what I've been doing lately. Maybe even start a conversation how online dating is useless to a girl. If she agrees, you'll be on the same page and there will be instant connection. If she doesnt' agree, than she might not be interested in dating you.

[iwishiknew]

I don't think online dating is for you if your pics scare women away. If I were you, I would focus on getting a more financially secure career.

 

I do agree finding a more financially secure job but there is nothing here in IL that I can find full-time that pays a living wage. IL is not a good place with good jobs.

[Rosti87]

I do agree finding a more financially secure job but there is nothing here in IL that I can find full-time that pays a living wage. IL is not a good place with good jobs.

 

I can attest to this. I have cousins in Illinois who never fully recovered from the 2008 crash.

[Claritee]

See below...

[Claritee]

Loved what you had to say Synergist. What is with people who feel the need to bluntly tell vulnerable individuals what they're doing wrong and what they ought to be doing. Truth is, they don't know even half of the situation.

 

I thought this site was about people kindly supporting other people and sharing relevant experiences so as to remind others "they're not alone."

[Rosti87]

@Claratee,

 

I feel there can be a balance. I think there are times when people need encouragement to make some adjustments. Some people are ready to adjust, still others don't want to and others that just don't see a problem. If that is where they are so be it. Having said this I feel that sometimes posters can get a bit rabid when they start to criticize. But that is just my 2 cents.