I'm not Happy with my girlfriend

[Xin]

But I love her. A common thing people say in relationships they find unhappy right? This isn't about the fact that we have a ton of arguments, and I think she is pretty satisfied with the relationship. But I'm not.

 

The most common negative situation in this relationship is that we are both feeling negative about something at the same time. By natural instinct, I want to make people around me feel better, and I know how to do it, so most of the time I put aside my feelings to make her feel better. This leads to two negative things that have continued to build my dissatisfaction:

 

1. She doesn't do anything about my feelings. I've tried to talk to her about this, and she says she doesn't know what to say. While that is perfectly understandable, it doesn't make me feel any better. And, it also doesn't make sense. She's studying to be a psychologist, and she actually is very helpful towards her friends and family, especially when they are feeling down. She naturally wants to help people as well, but this is because she is able to show strength to her friends and family while she shows her weaknesses to me. She is one of those girls that tries to be strong no matter what, but she's comfortable enough with me that she feels like she doesn't need to constantly put up an act, and that she can show if she's feeling weak. This isn't a bad thing, but it would mean that we have similar personalities. We end up showing each other our weaknesses at the same time, and then this creates a stall as both of us are feeling negative which forces one of us, almost all the time me, to make a move.

 

2. I try to make her feel better and she doesn't give me any reaction. By nature she is also not very expressive. I would feel better if I could see I made her happy when we are both feeling down. If she shows me a positive reaction when I try to make her happy when we are both feeling down, then I would be able to feel happier, too. But whenever I do something, she doesn't show me any reactions. At most, she might just say thank you. I have also talked to her about this, and she said she does feel happy and more positive from what I say, but she doesn't know how to show it. I asked if she can be more expressive, and she has tried, but she has only been more expressive when she is in a positive mood. When she is feeling negative, or coming out of a negative mood, it is like I am interacting with a rock.

 

The first times these kinds of things happened, I had the patience to deal with them. But I'm slowly running out. I find myself asking if she can show me if she is happy from what I say, or if she can say anything to make me feel better. But it kind of feels like I am talking to a wall...

[Edmund Exley]

1. Is she disrespecting your feelings, or just not giving them the type of consideration you expect?

 

2. You cant make people emote the way you expect them to.

 

 

Its seems to me that your biggest issue with her is she isn't you.

[Xin]

1. Is she disrespecting your feelings, or just not giving them the type of consideration you expect?

 

2. You cant make people emote the way you expect them to.

 

 

Its seems to me that your biggest issue with her is she isn't you.

 

1. I don't think she is disrespecting them, but I do know she is capable of saying something that improves my mood. However, she does this very rarely. In the few cases she has said something, it was something really great that made me feel a lot better for a long time. But, now, it seems like she is trying to be logical with me when I express negative emotions. That is the last thing I need. I don't need my negative emotions explained out logically, or the situation to be explained logically, because I already understand that part. I need an emotional reaction. I think if she just expressed her feelings to me, even saying something simple, like I love you, would make me feel better. However, she rarely does this and tries to go for the long-winded logical approach that doesn't work at all.

 

2. But you can expect some kind of reaction right? If you throw a friend a surprise birthday party, they show some signs of surprise. However, she is literally a rock. I have never encountered a girl who has such a lack of expression and emotion either. At first, I thought it would a plus for me because I've dealt with girls who express too much and are clingy, so I thought I'd get more space in this relationship. But then, I feel emotionally disconnected from her now.

[Unreasonable]

However, she is literally a rock.

 

](*,)

 

Sorry, just had to get that out.

[Edmund Exley]

1. I don't think she is disrespecting them, but I do know she is capable of saying something that improves my mood. However, she does this very rarely.

That's seems rather needy.

 

In the few cases she has said something, it was something really great that made me feel a lot better for a long time. But, now, it seems like she is trying to be logical with me when I express negative emotions. That is the last thing I need. I don't need my negative emotions explained out logically, or the situation to be explained logically, because I already understand that part. I need an emotional reaction. I think if she just expressed her feelings to me, even saying something simple, like I love you, would make me feel better. However, she rarely does this and tries to go for the long-winded logical approach that doesn't work at all.

 

Its sounds to me that you would rather her enable/console you then be reasonable and logical. I'm guessing her schooling on the subject is what is changing.

 

2. But you can expect some kind of reaction right? If you throw a friend a surprise birthday party, they show some signs of surprise. However, she is literally a rock. I have never encountered a girl who has such a lack of expression and emotion either. At first, I thought it would a plus for me because I've dealt with girls who express too much and are clingy, so I thought I'd get more space in this relationship. But then, I feel emotionally disconnected from her now.

 

Again, so the real problem is she doesn't emote the way you want and that makes you feel bad. That's fine, she isn't who you need. That's no ones fault.

[DancingFool]

She is not an emotional person and you can't make her be who she is not. She might be able to fake it temporarily with friends and so on, but ultimately she can't keep faking it within a relationship. On the other hand, you are an emotional guy and need someone who acts like a puppy dog - "omg I'm like so happy, you make me soo happy" You'd be better off finding a girl who is emotionally expressive and enthusiastic.

 

The two of you are not similar at all. You are complete opposites and while initially that might attract, in the long run the differences start to chafe.

[Edmund Exley]

She is not an emotional person and you can't make her be who she is not. She might be able to fake it temporarily with friends and so on, but ultimately she can't keep faking it within a relationship. On the other hand, you are an emotional guy and need someone who acts like a puppy dog - "omg I'm like so happy, you make me soo happy" You'd be better off finding a girl who is emotionally expressive and enthusiastic.

 

 

But he didn't like the girls he had like that. I think he has unrealistic expectations of how people should emote and inability to accept them for who they are.

[Mari]

I had to read your post twice to try to figure out what you were complaining about because what you mention seemed so trivial. Then I remembered a chapter from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" about validating feelings instead of offering solutions and it all makes sense. So I'm going to respond to you in these two ways:

 

First: Really sorry to hear she doesn't validate your feelings, it must be difficult.

 

Second: You need to say a phrase that indicates you're looking for validation and not solutions.

 

I normally respond with solutions but after reading that book I changed, and on this topic it was right. But then later the person I was talking to did start getting frustrated that I didn't also offer solutions. So what I recommended is to let me know when one was needed and now it works better.

 

To start, sit down with your girlfriend and show her the "it's not about the nail" video. You can google it to find it. Then practice with a fake situation where you show her a problem and how you feel. Ask her to validate your feelings and not offer a solution. You can come up with phrases like, "it's sad isn't it?" or "isn't that wonderful?" to indicate that she should be sympathizing or feeling happy. And phrases like "how do I solve this?" or "how do I get out of this?" to invite her to offer solutions. Good luck. Sorry if I totally got this wrong.

[sleepingdonut]

Doesn't seem like either of you are doing anything wrong. You just don't seem compatible in the long term.

[SpottiOtti]

1. It's not her job to make you feel better. It's your job. One big thing you learn when you're going to school to be a therapist is that your responsibility is to empower people to discover their own ways of managing emotions, not to soothe or cajole them into feeling better. Another thing is that it is unethical to provide therapy to significant others.

 

That said, if you feel as Mari said above, that she doesn't validate your feelings, there's another matter. Is it that she isn't listening and making you feel heard? Have you tried to talk to her about ways she could help you feel more heard and validated?

 

2. If she isn't the type to gush or express emotions, she isn't the type. You have to accept her for who she is if you want to stay with her. You don't have the right to imply to her that she is somehow lacking because she isn't who you think she should be.

[Xin]

A lot of the responses deal with how I may have unrealistic expectations. I do however like the comment about the video and the validation vs solution thing, which I will look into.

 

I don't expect anything out of the ordinary from her. For example, if you touch a hot stove, you will recoil your hand, and say ouch, right? I can totally see her keeping her hand on the stove and looking around as if nothing is going on. And, I feel better when I can see that I've made other people feel better. But when she's sad and I say something to make her feel better, I have no indication to be able to tell if I was able to do this. It seems like I am constantly playing a guessing game. I have asked if she can just tell me how she feels, but saying is a little bit more difficult than showing for her, apparently.

 

I know who she is, but is it not accepting to not like it? It doesn't make me feel any better, and I know I can't do anything about it. I am just hoping she understands how I feel about all this, but it is really hard to tell that she does.

[SooSad33]

"She doesn't do anything about my feelings. I've tried to talk to her about this, and she says she doesn't know what to say. While that is perfectly understandable, it doesn't make me feel any better."

- What do you want her to do?

 

"I try to make her feel better and she doesn't give me any reaction. By nature she is also not very expressive. I would feel better if I could see I made her happy when we are both feeling down. If she shows me a positive reaction when I try to make her happy when we are both feeling down, then I would be able to feel happier, too"

-Have you explained this to her?

oops, I guess you have... well you're trying.

 

I feel, that you two need to figure out WHY you're both so 'down'. Is the relationship boring now?

Is there a way you can can 'spritz' it up?

How about at least one night/day a month, you two arrange a 'date night'? Get out & have some fun together?

[catfeeder]

Try asking for what you want. I've been known to say, "It would be really helpful if you would say some nice things to me right now. Would you mind doing that for me?"

 

Or, negotiate for what you want. Trade something of value to her for something of value to you. "I'll trade you a neck rub or I'll make your favorite chili if you would say something to cheer me up. What do you think?"

 

Bottom line is, don't expect anyone to read your mind and comply with your wishes--that's unfair and as you've noticed, it doesn't work.

[lerenard]

I can relate to that a little bit. My boyfriend is less emotional then I am, or lets put it that way - I am an emotional thunderstorm and even though he is not "a wall", I can sometimes feel like he resembles one, especially when I am on my emotional roller coaster, and he is down to earth and as calm as a rock.

 

I want to give you one advice my mom once gave me - YOU are the one who should be "doing something" about your feelings. She is your girlfriend, she is not you, you are different, try to see this as a bonus. If my boyfriend was just as emotional as I am - we would basically kill each other on our second month dating! He calm me down, he is a LOT more rational and he is so good at calming me down and grounding me when I am going crazy.

 

Relationship exist not because you should be making each other feel better. If you need constant reassuring - please have some counselling regarding your issues and dont blame your girlfriend for that. She is who she is, you are who you are. Hope it helps.

 

Bottom line is, don't expect anyone to read your mind and comply with your wishes--that's unfair and as you've noticed, it doesn't work. Agree with that as well!