Confused, also feel a bit afraid

[Lady D]

I wanted to date him yes at one point, now I don't but I feel bad for deciding to not bother with him, I want to know if it's fair of me I guess

[Lady D]

Yeah because I liked him before I would have liked to fix it

[Lady D]

But probably he won't be that bothered if I don't make contact as he's not making contact anyway!!! Bear with me please

Yes this is probably a bit silly! Coming on here is sorting my head out a bit!

[Jehst1987]

You aren't keeping a distance. You are just letting him make the initial contact and you are responding each time. However, when a man speaks with a woman about another woman he is infatuated with ---- the woman he is sharing this with is clearly thought of as a friend/acquaintence.

 

Not necessarily...depending on what type of character he is. As you say, we don't know what the 'support group' is for. He could be creating envy, jealously, gauging Lady D's reaction to his comments. I've know people to treat people they fancy terribly as their way of 'flirting' and given his child like behaviour I wouldn't put that past him.

 

Anyway, it's all objective for us.

[Lady D]

I have a wonderful job and I have good friends in my life, I shouldn't be stressing about this and should let it go.....

[PetiteGirl]

What so great about this guy? There seem to be a few issues already, and you guys are merely acquaintances.

[Lady D]

Thanks Jehst1987, it's a support group for people from abusive backgrounds, to build up self esteem and healthy relationships ( hope that doesn't sound TOO ironic! )

[Lady D]

He's a good conversationalist, a deep thinker and intelligent, also he has a nice side to him as well when he's not Mr Angry

[Lady D]

Also I become attached to men far too easily as well, especially when we have deep conversations! And we have had a good time when we've been out together and long phone conversations, if he sees me as just a friend though I can handle that, no problem to me really

 

Actually I tell a lie, I don't normally become attached to men easily only men like this one whom I feel I have an emotional connection with

[Lady D]

Anyway thanks, I can now see that there's no reason in the world why I should feel obliged to contact him at all x

[Jehst1987]

I'd take a step back, try not to think about it too much - be friendly when you see him at the support group but only if you feel comfortable around him. Don't need to put yourself in situations where you feel uncomfortable.

[Lady D]

Thanks Jehst1987, that's good advice

I feel much better now thanks so much now I've posted and got this off my chest, though my perceptions were accurate to some extent some thoughts were also distorted

Yes, it'd be madness to throw myself into a situation in which I already feel uncomfortable and I don't have to do that, thanks again all

[SooSad33]

" However yet again he said he was infatuated with another woman, but told me she turned him down and he was upset, I don't know why he has to always tell me stuff like this"

- I'd say because you're friendzoned.

 

He seems to show some form of control, neediness for approval/ego boost.

 

To be safe, i suggest you NOT show any more interest than needed for a basic friendship.

[catfeeder]

I should avoid at all costs and I really feel like it'd be the right thing to do, but I'm wondering if I'm justified

 

You never need to 'justify' a feeling that something isn't right with someone, just Pay Attention and stay away from them. Trust ~your~ gut--and nobody else gets a vote.

[Lady D]

Thank you Sooosad33 and Catfeeder, I think I have to cut off contact and I'm feeling proud of myself for making this decision, I've made this decision before but he always ends up making contact again and the same old stuff happens

I was thinking about all of this and the replies and analysing everything and the fact is that it has been a long series of overt and subtle put-downs that I can no longer tolerate or deal with at this time in my life

 

Stuff like asking me all the time if we could chat or meet for coffee or he'd see me in the group, then when I asked or wanted to meet or see him, he'd disappear then get in touch again after he'd disappeared

Always ending our phone calls first with an excuse, like he had to chat to somebody else or not calling me then texting and saying he didn't feel up to the call because he'd had a long conversation with somebody else and didn't feel up for another one

Being very nice and then avoiding me

Looking openly very irritated by me, shaking his head as I speak and looking very bored, being angry when I approach him but at the same time, calling, doing things that you do when you like somebody as a friend or otherwise ( confusing and nobody else has ever done this )

Sitting at the table with me and my friend and then moving to another table to speak to somebody else after acting bored

Getting annoyed because I said the people were nice in the support group and saying he hates the word Nice and Good and why does everything have to be Nice??

Leaving texts and voicemails about women " giving him the runaround " and his wish to possibly get his own back and humiliate them, saying he feels terrible, I'd try to help and then he would disappear, he always seems to have sad stories to tell me or conflicts he is dealing with that he wants advice about and portrays himself as very hard done by

Texting me and telling me he'd see me soon at the support group, making a big deal of coming back then coming back once and then disappearing again

Kissing me on the cheeks which he doesn't normally do and insisting on buying my drink which made me wonder if he liked me and then being incredibly nasty to me the next time that we met and acting furious

When we were together having a drink he suddenly began to act really irritated and bored out of the blue

Avoiding EVER seeing me alone face to face, making me feel as I must be like Godzilla LOL, and even needing to get off the phone fast when he speaks to me, bad for the old self esteem - here I must say that other people do like me I think and do enjoy my company. What makes it confusing is that he stays in touch for some reason but appears to REALLY dislike me as well! No other man or friend has ever been this horrible really on a consistent basis to me, except perhaps an abusive partner from many years ago

Being charming and nice on the phone last time we spoke for one hour, saying good night and stuff and then ignoring me / disappearing again

My friend has said that he was quite horrible about me as well and he puts down my opinions sometimes

 

I can't handle it anymore and I think I'm making the right choice to avoid him. He has told me about some other women too who have also avoided him and he couldn't understand why, perhaps he is like this with everybody, I don't know!

 

But this is now starting to affect my self esteem and personal life, he will come back to the group and I'l probably see him again but I have to keep myself safe, I wanted to be a friend to him or something but I can't handle this anymore

 

This is just all too weird for me, I felt very caught up as well because I felt sorry for him, he told me about his life and said he had tried to take his own life twice, so I ended up feeling responsible for his feelings and wanted to try and help him to feel okay, that is why I feel very guilty in a way about doing this. But also in a way, proud I've decided to do this

 

I just want a peaceful life now and a happy life, I've had a lot of bad stuff in my life already, I was previously in an abusive relationship which I got out of but I don't think I'm fully recovered

 

I'm not trying to blame him at all for any of this, his life hasn't been a picnic either but I have to take care of myself

 

Thanks x

[Lady D]

I have just started a new job which I love and I want to do well in but this has all suddenly blown up for me (when he didn't turn up this week at the group it just felt like another put down to me as I take the meeting and he acted so excited about coming back, I guess it was the last straw, he used to text if he didn't come ) and now I can't sleep and I don't want to mess up this job, I have let his behaviours affect me far too much, I think I'll feel better soon if I just keep some distance and take care of myself, but I feel like I could really do with some encouragement, I hope that I don't sound nuts in this thread!

 

I am acting crazy, yes I'm aware of that - I'm not wanting to deflect blame from me, this is probably my fault but I feel as if his behaviour is making me feel a bit crazy too

 

I'm going to stop doing this to myself, putting his needs before mine, feeling sorry for him, simply put I feel as though this guy hates me and that's what's troubling me about this because I haven't ever done anything to him, just tried my best to be nice, I am nice actually and a lot of people do like me, I have had positive validation from other people around me and I should try to think about that and get over this

[amipushy]

Thanks Jehst1987, it's a support group for people from abusive backgrounds, to build up self esteem and healthy relationships ( hope that doesn't sound TOO ironic! )

 

Easy pickings for someone with his narcissistic personality (disorder).

 

When someone shows you who they are e.g. picking fights with strangers, glaring angrily, punishing you, manipulating you by telling you of other women, making you feel afraid etc etc are a big reg flag.

 

Keep the hell away from him. He is bad, bad news. He will make you feel guilty for cutting him off but stand firm. Do not give him a second chance at anything, he will see this as weakness and a further chance to manipulate and later on abuse you. If he gets nothing from you he will move on to his next 'victim'.

[Lady D]

Thank you amipushy, so much, I felt much better today after reading your reply, and I'm starting to feel much better now and stronger than I did yesterday about all of this, I decided to start to take care of myself and nobody else as that's what I've got to do

Yes the first time around that I knew him he didn't show me his scary side much, that only showed up really after our five weeks of no contact, when he started to act stranger, less needy and more angry

It started when he sent a scary text over with references to humiliating somebody to teach them a lesson and the " ideal of himself as a nice person had to die ", which was quite creepy for me, I did wonder if he sent that to scare me, even before then though my heart would sink when he contacted me and I was unsure exactly why, I started to just not feel comfortable around him at all

 

I may see him tomorrow at my support group, I want to go as some friends of mine go there but unsure if I should now...anyway today I'm feeling stronger, I may not go to the support group as I'll feel prouder I think if I can avoid him all together

 

Perplexed as to why I feel bad writing this, it's not as if he's been very nice to me, the scary thing is I feel as if I was being a bit brainwashed, I think I'm vulnerable to that

 

But thank god, my new job went really well today and I'm grateful for a lot in my life...this too shall pass

 

Thank you x

[catfeeder]

It started when he sent a scary text over with references to humiliating somebody to teach them a lesson and the " ideal of himself as a nice person had to die ", which was quite creepy for me, I did wonder if he sent that to scare me,

 

You'd be smart to stay away from him and any place that he will be. That's not a lightweight comment, and if he were to follow you home, your friends at this group could not protect you. It also sets you up to cause him some imaginary offense--you don't need that.

 

Head high, and walk AWAY.

[amipushy]

People like him WANT others to feel afraid, they enjoy the game of cat and mouse, its fun for them and makes them feel powerful to see others jump at shadows and see fear in their eyes because of them.

 

Avoid him and if you do happen to see him do not engage. Keep it short, impersonal and always be just on your way someplace, you're always busy, busy, busy!

 

If he persists do not suffer alone. Talk to your friends, come back here for support. Also consider reporting him to the group organizers if necessary, tell them you are uncomfortable with his presence. I personally would give up the group to be free of someone like him. Its not being weak or letting him get the better of you, or him 'winning', its being smart and looking out for your mental health. Life's too short to put up with people like this.

[Lady D]

Thank you very much and I will bear in mind what you said, it's all confusing still for me, I went to the support group and he was there and he was really warm and nice when I saw him and it was all okay, I think he may have BPD which could explain a lot...